Chapter Ten: Acceptance
Azula arrived in the Jasmine Dragon and stopped. She waited outside it for a moment and realized how toothless she was bordering on looking. She had literally given up a chance to torture an enemy into a sobbing mess. With a new technique no less!
She had to do something to redeem herself.
Was there a puppykitten around here to kick or something? No such luck.
So she walked into the Jasmine Dragon, reluctantly. Zuzu was there and approached. "Hello, Welcome to the Jasmine-" He trailed off.
"White dragon tea, please." said Azula.
"Azula!" said Zuzu.
"Hey. I'm not here to fight, Lee." said Azula, emphasizing Lee. "Can we talk?"
Zuzu looked back to Uncle, who was likewise shocked. Then back to Azula. Then back to Uncle. "...Uncle, I'd like to take my break early."
"Of course, nephew." said Uncle.
They sat down, and Azula looked across the table at Zuzu. He looked annoyed where before he had been happy. Odd the effect she always had on him.
"What do you want, Azula?" said Zuzu.
Azula considered how best to say what she needed to say. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. She shook her head. "I don't want to hurt people anymore."
"It's a bit late for a change of heart-" said Zuzu.
"No, it's not a change of heart! It's a fact!" said Azula. "I haven't hurt anyone I didn't have to in the last... I don't know; calenders don't work for me."
"Five minutes?" suggested Zuzu at a guess.
"Longer than that." said Azula.
Zuzu remained silent. He looked at her, hard. "...What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know." said Azula. "You're the one who was always trying to protect those stupid turtleducks. I thought you might have some insight."
"Azula, not hurting people for fun is not a problem you need to solve." said Zuzu. "It's basic human decency."
"I've gotten on just fine while enjoying it." said Azula, crossing her hands and looking away.
"I know." said Zuzu.
Azula felt his gaze on her. She remained silent for a long moment. Finally, she couldn't bear it any longer. "What? Why are you looking at me like that? It's not my fault Dad favored me. Really, I'm much more similar to him than you."
Zuzu slammed his hand against the ground. "You think-"
And then Jin arrived. She was pretty cute, as always. "Oh hey, Lee-" And then she hesitated. "Wait, who is this?"
"Oh this is my sister." said Zuzu quickly.
"Yes, I'm Azula." said Azula, leaning back.
"That's a weird name. It sounds fire nation." said Jin.
"We had to flee one of the colonies." said Azula. "Our Mother got in serious trouble, and we got separated. Last I heard Zuzu joined the circus.
"I guess I finally tracked him down."
"Well it's nice to meet you." said the girl, leaning forward. "I'm Jin. I'm sort of Lee's girlfriend. But what's this Zuzu thing?"
"Nothing, it was a nickname!" said Zuzu quickly. "That's all." He shifted nervously. "Can I help you Jin?"
"Well I was wondering if you might want to go see something with me." said Jin. "See there is this really nice old tower, and when you're on it, you can see the entire city.
"Want to come?"
"Well..." Zuzu looked to Azula.
"Your sister can come to, of course." said Jin quickly.
"I'll ask Uncle." said Zuzu.
"Go on nephew." laughed Uncle. "This old man can take care of his own tea shop for a bit."
And so Azula found herself walking with Zuko and Jin through the streets of the city. Just like before. Why was this familiar? The streets around her, she'd seem them before. Many loops ago.
Most of her training had been limited to the finer districts. She hadn't been in the slums for many loops.
Then they ran into that same old man. He didn't look very healthy. He had probably not eaten in a long time, judging from his appearance. Fortunately, Zuko gave him some coins before he could come to Azula.
A lot of coins. It was one thing for Azula to do it, the money didn't matter. But it bothered her that Zuko did it. And gave him so much.
"Why did you give him all that money, Lee?" asked Azula, annoyed. "You could have just given him one. He'll probably be robbed before the end of the day."
"I had to live by begging for some time when I was traveling here." said Zuko. "I know what it's like. And I never want anyone to experience it."
"Really?" said Jin, her brow furrowing. "Was this before you joined the Circus?"
"Yes." said Zuko. "I uh... Well no. It was after. Things went badly because of the war."
Jin looked away. As if suspecting something. But she said nothing.
So 'circus' was code for Azula trying to arrest him. Still, that was insignificant compared to the fact that Zuko and Uncle had been begging. What? Couldn't they have robbed some caravans or something?
It was probably Uncle's idea, now that Azula thought of it. Still, she could still mock Zuzu for it. "You and Uncle spent time as beggars? And here I thought you had class, Lee."
"We were starving." snapped Zuko, looking at her angrily. "You've never had to worry about your next meal, Azula. Father always wanted you."
And awkward. Or at least Jin seemed to think it was awkward from the way she shifted. "Um..."
Both of them looked at her, hard. "Yes?"
Jin forced herself to look bright and made that cute little cat smile she had. She looked at Zuko. "So, uh, how did you get out of begging?"
Lee sighed. He looked guilty. It was hilarious. "I went into thievery."
Oh, so they did start raiding caravans. Smart. Wait, why was Jin gasping?
"What?" said Jin. "But why?"
"A soldier forced my Uncle to dance, swinging his swords at him." said Zuko. "Uncle just took it, putting on a smile. I got angry, and I tracked the man down. I beat him to a pulp and stole his swords.
"After that I just... it came easily. I tried to target rich people, who could afford it, or who I thought deserved it. But Uncle didn't approve so... so I ended up going off on my own." He sighed. "Eventually I stopped stealing."
"What made you stop?" asked Jin. She seemed to be wrestling with some inner struggle. Azula wasn't in the habit of caring, though.
"I came to a village, and it was being terrorized by soldiers." said Zuko. "Earth Kingdom soldiers. They were supposed to protect the place, but they were just robbing the locals.
"I realized that I had become just like them."
"What did you do?" asked Jin.
"...I drove the soldiers out of the town." said Zuko. "Then I was run out by the people there."
"You're not really from the circus, are you Lee?" asked Jin.
Zuko met her gaze. "No."
There was silence.
At last, they came to the tower. The same tower Azula had climbed with Mai and Ty Lee all that time ago. They scaled up it quickly and as she did Azula looked at the city. Really looked at it.
She'd been set on measuring the wind all this time. Now, as she reached the top, Azula felt the wind on her face. The sight of the sun setting in the distance made Azula halt where she was.
They looked at the view. And Azula realized that it was truly beautiful. The way the light filtered through the city streets at this height was breathtaking. Why hadn't she noticed this before?
She'd been focused on a mission.
"See, isn't this nice?" asked Jin.
She'd been here before. With Jin and Zuko. Ty Lee and Mai had been there too. But she'd hardly noticed any of it.
"Yes. Yes it is." said Zuko.
The two of them walked to the edge, and Azula followed. She felt a lump growing in her throat. She didn't know why. How long had she been in this city? How many days that she had forgotten this tower?
"You're a firebender." said Jin. "You're from the Fire Nation."
Oh, this was going to be good. Zuzu's desperate denials would be hilarious! He'd never been a good liar!
"Yes." said Lee.
Well, surely Jin would reject him and storm off. Or call the Dai Li or something. Maybe she'd slap him. It'd be great.
"It doesn't matter." said Jin. "People come to Ba Sing Se to start over and... well... I don't think a spy would be working in a tea shop."
What? This wasn't right. Good things happened to Azula, not Zuko. They were just determined to ruin this for her, weren't they?
"How long have you suspected?" asked Zuko.
"Well..." Jin paused. "I remember that this one time Lee told me to close my eyes when we found all the lights in an area were out. And there was that boy, Jet, who attacked you. When I opened them a moment later, all the lights were lit.
"I kept thinking about it. And I couldn't think of any way the trick could be done without control over fire." She paused. "I don't know what it is you were running from, Lee, but it doesn't really matter."
"Thank you Jin." said Zuko.
What?
How was that even possible?! How did someone know that someone was from an enemy nation and just accept them! Azula would never have... well she might... no, she wouldn't. She didn't know what she'd do now.
Azula had changed, she realized. She'd spent so long in this city that it had shifted something in her. She tried to push it back, but it had shifted through her fingers like sand. It used to be so simple. She was Princess Azula of the Fire Nation. She wanted to subjugate these peasants. To bring the glorious Fire Nation to final victory.
She was still Princess Azula. But it didn't matter what she wanted.
Azula wanted to go home. She wanted to get out. To do something, return to the palace. She'd been looking forward to returning in triumph before all this began. But at this rate, she might never return.
What if there was no way out?
"Is something wrong?" asked Jin.
Azula realized that there were tears in her eyes. She wiped them away quickly. What the hell was happening to her. "No, I just... I've been here. In this place. A long time ago."
"No, you haven't." said Zuko.
Azula shifted. "No, you're right. Not before today."
Azula stayed with her brother and Jin atop that tower. They talked about things, minor things. She learned about people Jin knew, of the new refugees. About how things were changing. Until when the sun began to set Azula realized her time was going to end soon.
"Are you heading back to... wherever you are staying." said Zuko.
"Yes." said Azula.
"Is it far?" asked Jin. "You really shouldn't wander the streets at night. Why don't you both stay at my place for the night? We'd love to have you."
"I..." Zuko looked to Azula.
"I'd appreciate that." said Azula.
They walked with Jin to her families house. Her parents were already in bed, of course. Jin gave Azula was given a place to sleep, far worse than it would have been in the palace. Zuko kept looking at her as if he expected her to start setting things on fire.
Nothing made sense anymore.
Who was Azula? And what did she want?
Azula awoke on cushions of the finest silk and felt the rays of the sun on her face. She got to her feet and looked at herself in the mirror. There were more skills she could learn.
But the lust for self-improvement wasn't enough. Azula could learn every skill under the sun. But it wouldn't change the fact that she was here. And she was empty.
All her powers, abilities and skills didn't change anything. Azula could not achieve anything like this. But... maybe she didn't need to.
So what then?
It would be worthwhile learning a bit more about Ba Sing Se. And the people within it.
Author's Note:
So I'd like to talk about the one flaw in Groundhog Day the movie. The movie is nearly perfect, but there is one problem. It is a comedy. Unfortunately, as you near the end of the movie, the comedy dries up.
After all, most of the humor from the story comes from Phil Conners being kind of a jerk and getting up to wacky antics. Then he starts being really nice to people. While the movie is great and heartwarming after that, it isn't nearly as funny.
I have a similar problem here. Azula is defined in a certain way. Within the bounds of this fic, I have to have her transform into a completely different person. But she has to still be Azula at the end of it if you know what I mean. It's easy to write Azula as a sadistic jerkass, and watching her suffer is half the fun. But having her change is tricky.
This chapter is really how things developed so far. I kind of feel like it happened too quickly. But at the same time, once Azula realized she didn't care about hurting people anymore, it sort of destroyed the last foundation of old identity. Azula is defined by three things. Her obsession with control through fear. Her ambition. And her sadism. Everything she does interweaves these three elements throughout Avatar.
But in the loop, she has no control. Her fate is to wake up the same morning and do the day over again. Nothing she does can change that. Her ambition, represented by her desire to conquer Ba Sing Se and kill the Avatar, is fulfilled and rendered meaningless. That leaves only her sadism, and that lasted her a lot longer.
But it finally burnt out, so her whole world has kind of collapsed. She hit rock bottom a few chapters ago. So she has nowhere to go but up. Or that's the way I see her development.