Sorry it's a little late but I didn't want to upload near April Fools in case people thought it was a prank.

Damien eyed the dozing blond boy with ill-covered contempt. Pip would regret falling asleep covered in semen, but considering Damien forced him to completely wax his body he wouldn't be too uncomfortable when he awakened. Damien would have to make sure he was officially punished when he had the time. He looked over at the portal Pip had left open, where Cartman was trudging on his lonesome through the snow and grumbling to himself. Nothing interesting happening right now. Damien would take this slump in activities as an opportunity to go somewhere for an errand.

He ran a fiery hand across Pip's chest enjoying the red blistering it brought forth. Pip clutched at the wound with a pained but soundless scream. He'd learned a long time ago not to make noise unless commanded. It had become instinct.

"Cuff yourself to the bed and wait for me."

"Any particular outfit, my love?"

Damien carefully raked his eyes over the naked shivering body. "As you are. But clean that mess up." His expression hardened. "I'll not touch you with your sins on display like that."

"I got you some pain relief," said Kyle as he entered his room. Butters sat up in the bed and took the glass of water, gulping down the pills with a grateful hum. Kyle smiled fondly. "Is the ice pack working?"

Butters nodded and held out his swollen hand for inspection. "Does it look bad?"

"Might need to be amputated."

"WHAT?"

"I'm jerking you, Butters, relax." He laughed at the pouting face before him. "Sorry, you're just too easy sometimes."

"You big meanie…"

Kyle fluffed up the pillows and tucked Butters back under the covers, one hand out to stay under the sweating ice pack. "Why don't you take a nap? You deserve it."

"Really? You don't think I overreacted earlier?"

"You only did what I was about to do. Cartman would have been so proud of you."

He blushed. "Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh." He ruffled the small tuft of hair on Butters' head. "Want to know something?"

"Hm?"

"He told me once, when I asked him what kind of friend you were, that you were a class of your own. He totally meant it too."

Butters looked like he was about to cry again so Kyle left him alone to dribble tears and snot into his pillow if he so wished. Kyle needed a break anyway. Cartman would be back soon and he wasn't sure what to say to him. Cartman hadn't meant to be horrible, he was just tactless. Kyle had to keep reminding himself that this turn of events was hardest on Cartman. He was powerless and isolated, watching his friends suffering from afar. Brushing off Butters' emotional gesture was his way of ignoring his feelings.

Kyle grabbed some food, hoping to bring his energy levels back up, and tested his blood sugar just in case. A little low, but nothing drastic. He was about to take a bite of his sandwich when there was a knock at the door. "Always when I'm eating," he joked to no-one, and realised he'd gotten a little too used to talking to himself.

He wasn't expecting anyone so he checked through the peephole as a precaution and was surprised and slightly unnerved to see Liane's large wet eyes peeking back. "Hi, Mrs. Cartman, come on in."

"Hello sweetie," she said, wordlessly declining his offer by staying rooted to the front step. "Is your mommy in?"

"Ah, no. They're all out right now."

"I see. Well, it was really you I came to see."

Kyle stared blankly in confusion as she rummaged around her purse.

"Kenny now owns Eric's things, which is okey-dokey by me. But I thought you should have something at the very least." She revealed Cartman's cell phone and charger from the depths of the bag.

Kyle took them from her. "But… really?"

"Technically it's mine. I pay the contract. Though it's cancelled by now. I thought you might like to listen to the little messages he used to leave himself. Or maybe there are some nice pictures on there." She held her head sorrowfully. "Oh dear, now that I think about it those things are private, aren't they?"

"I won't go through the pictures," he promised. "Out of respect for Cartman. But, thanks. It's nice to have something from him. As his executor I couldn't..."

"A shame," she interrupted with a tilt of her head. "He really was very fond of you."

Kyle giggled awkwardly. If only she knew how fond. His laughter waned when she squeezed his arm gently. "You look tired, sweetie. Don't overwork yourself."

Great. If it was obvious even to Liane that he was burned out how did he look to everyone else? "I'm fine, Mrs. Cartman. Maybe a little tired. Mostly just hungry, haha."

"I thought Eric was just a little tired and hungry too."

Well if that plaintive comment wasn't a punch to the gut. Kyle winced as she wiped at her face and hurriedly excused herself. He didn't want to eat at all now, but he sat back at the kitchen table and forced the sandwich down him as he turned Cartman's phone around in his hand. He went through the last few messages they had sent one another. Some time before summer Cartman had wanted Kyle's homework so he could copy it.

Ju lend me ur homework

Joo pls

Fu kyle y u hate me?

Pls kyle I cant flunk this class

Im just going to steal it anyway u lil bitch

KYLE U FUCKR

Kyle sniggered at the last one. He'd left out a fake paper for Cartman to steal and he'd completely and utterly failed the class and had to stay for summer school. Then Kyle felt bad. Maybe the stress of spending that extra time at school had shortened Cartman's lifespan further. Cartman's last summer alive was ruined thanks to him.

Kyle scrolled back further through the texts. They were mostly from Cartman to him. He hardly ever replied; he didn't like to interact with Cartman back then, especially as almost anything he said or did provoked him. Kyle sucked in his bottom lip at the last time he'd bothered to respond to Cartman's taunting.

Just fuck off and die.

Such a flippant and typical comeback thrown between them but it looked harsh and unnecessary to him with hindsight and it was a horrid foreshadowing. He knew if he went back further Cartman would have said the same thing back and worse over and over but the guilt was overwhelming him again.

Kyle abandoned his sandwich and curled up on the couch with the phone. He noticed the little red dot next to the call icon that indicated an unheard voicemail. He knew he shouldn't listen in on Cartman's voicemail, especially when the messages would probably be from mourning friends just wanting to hear his voice again but he couldn't help himself. The automated voice informed him there was one new message from last night and at first he didn't recognise the soft stuttering that was trying to become words.

"Eric…"

"Oh Butters," said Kyle, sympathetic to his despair. There was some more incoherent mumbling until Kyle caught the tail-end of Butters telling Cartman all about what had been happening. He was trying to be concise with his babbling but Kyle could tell it was difficult for him. Butters was not as good at spontaneity as Professor Chaos was.

"Anyways, Eric, I called because… oh jeez I feel kinda embarrassed about this… You were always telling me to stop hanging around you and go and get laid…"

That sounded like Cartman alright.

"So um… I did. Just now. With Kenny. In fact I sorta maybe asked him to marry me."

He hadn't expected a confession like that. They hadn't slept together before then? Kenny had been waiting all that time. Kyle's stomach churned as he pressed the phone harder against his ear.

"I love him, and I'm so happy but…"

There was an agonising pause and Kyle strained to hear his next words. And then wished he hadn't.

"Eric… it should have been you."

"Afternoon, Death," Damien said cheerily as he entered Hell's Archives. "No Kenny today?"

Death shook its head slowly and ran a bony finger across a record it was going over.

"What a pity. You always get along so well." Damien snapped his fingers and a demon appeared above them. "Go find me the file for Eric Cartman, South Park, Colorado, USA: and any of his close associates, living or dead. He died on the fifth of this month."

The creature disappeared in a puff of smoke and was back in the same fashion within seconds clutching several files in its claws. Damien spread them along the ground and started with Cartman's. It was surprisingly thick for such a short life and a few pages in Damien could see why. He'd managed to pack a lot in despite a reputation for being lazy.

Jack's wasn't particularly interesting and held nothing Damien didn't know already. Kenny's was a never-ending stack that would be pointless trying to go through. Damien noticed a file similar in size to Cartman's. He thumbed through for a few moments before skipping to the end. He liked spoilers. A few moments of scanning the page and he jumped up with a cry of concern. "Death!"

It lifted its skull and gazed impassively at him.

"I need to know – has my father read any of these?"

It shook its head.

"Has anyone else accessed these records recently?"

Death tapped Jack's file and Damien growled an unpleasant curse into his hand. He left the piles on the floor and swept out of the archive.

Next chapter:

"Look, it's not you. I like messing around with guys but I just can't see myself dating one."

"So I'm good enough for sex but nothing else? Thanks a lot Ken."

"Dude come on, you're my best friend." Kenny caught the shirt that sailed at his head. He swore under his breath. "I knew I shouldn't have started this. I'm sorry, Kyle."