No but seriously Cartman; you're a ghost, why didn't you just leave? You're so smart in some ways but phenomenally stupid in others.

Or maybe I write you that way because it's convenient.

"Ay, Asslord, just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't feel the cold, y'know!"

Cartman's angry tirade fell on deaf ears as he marched through the closed door and looked around the empty living room. His shoulders slumped in disappointment. It had taken the whole walk for him to decide on the perfect thing to yell at Kyle. He heard movement upstairs and recognised the shrill nagging of Sheila Broflovski and the placating dull tone of her husband, Gerald. Cartman thought he heard his mother's name mentioned amongst the muffled words but he couldn't be sure.

They'd come home early it seemed, and Cartman took to mourning the fact that even if he and Kyle made up they couldn't spend the rest of the afternoon having sex. A cupboard door slamming in the kitchen alerted him to the final, smallest Broflovski member, clambering onto a stool to get to a box above. He was titchy for thirteen and Cartman stood beside him and watched the struggle with great amusement.

Ike soon got his prize and made his way back down from the counter when the stool slipped from his foot. Cartman's wing reacted instantly, swooping out like a safety net and depositing him on the floor.

"Shit," said Cartman as Ike breathlessly worked out that he had briefly been hovering in midair. The boy scrambled backwards in terror against the cupboards, held his knees to his chest, and screamed for his mom.

"Here ya go, buddy," said Kyle as he brought the car up in front of the Stotch residence. "Home safe and sound. Hopefully Kenny bullshitted your folks as good as usual." He drummed his fingers on the wheel, trying to act casual. Butters seemed to be doing the same thing; Kyle could see him knocking his knuckles together out of the corner of his eye. "You can talk to me, Butters. What's up?"

"Do you hate me?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because of Kenny. He told me about you guys. What happened."

Ah, that. Kyle killed the engine. "You heard his side of it, not mine. But even then I still don't see why you think I'd hate you."

"But he said you were… uh…" The words he needed fled all too eagerly but Kyle was smart enough to fill in the gaps. Like a very depressing mad-lib. Butters tried again anyway. "I hate knowing I got everything you wanted, Kyle. I feel bad."

If only you knew, Kyle thought. Technically we're even. I've got everything you wanted. He closed his eyes although he loathed to remember that day when he'd dragged Kenny to his home after basketball practice; drained from his workout but horny as hell. Afterwards they'd lain there sweating and sated and he'd leant across his bed, kissed Kenny softly and murmured, "It's Valentine's soon, why don't we go out for a date?"

As mind-melting as the kiss was, Kenny pulled out of it in a flash. "Whoa, wait – like a date-date?"

"Yeah. Why not?"

He flicked his shaggy blond hair from his face. "It's just I thought this was a casual thing. Y'know, fuck-buddies."

"After all this time? Dude, we've been fucking since Halloween!" Kyle was on his feet and looking rather intimidating in his rage despite only wearing socks and a sweatband.

"Look, it's not you. I like messing around with guys but I just can't see myself dating one."

"So I'm good enough for sex but nothing else? Thanks a lot Ken."

"Dude come on, you're my best friend." Kenny caught the shirt that sailed at his head. He swore under his breath. "I knew I shouldn't have started this. I'm sorry, Kyle."

"I'm sorry too, you lying piece of shit."

"Hey, I was totally upfront with you about what this was. It's not my fault you want..."

"Just get out."

"Kyle, hey…" Kenny wrapped his hands around Kyle's arm and tried to get him to look at him. "Honestly dude, it's not you. You're perfect, you know that, right? That you'd want anything to do with someone like me… It's super flattering."

Kyle scoffed. "Glad I could stroke your ego all this time, amongst other things."

After that Kenny had dressed in silence and gone home. He gave Kyle the rest of the weekend to breathe before cornering him at school and timidly asking if they were on a time-out. But Kyle knew better than to fool around with someone who didn't feel the same way and broke it off completely.

As far as everyone else was concerned, they'd had a fight about something and were keeping their distance from one another. A few weeks went by and they were acting mostly the same to the public eye. By summer, Kyle was a little less heartbroken and could see Kenny's side of things. He didn't know what he would do in his place if the same thing happened with one of his friendships with benefits that he had at Jew Scouts. Probably the same thing, rather than lead anyone on. Before he left, he assured Kenny they were still best friends and before he got into the car to go to camp they exchanged a warm hug, cut short when Kyle hit him playfully after Kenny squeezed his ass.

He'd hugged Cartman too, now that he thought about it. Cartman had been there to see him off as well, claiming he had only turned up because he just so happened to be hanging out with Kenny that day. Kyle had only hugged him because it seemed weird to leave him out when he'd hugged Stan and Wendy too. That could have been their last embrace. Kyle clutched at his seatbelt. Felt his heart pounding. Nausea.

"Kyle, you look pale."

He shook his head at Butters and wound down the window for some air. "Sorry, was just thinking. Look, Butters, you don't have to feel bad about anything. You're the one for him, I can see it. Everyone can. Half a year ago, yeah I'd have been pissed off, but I'm over it now and besides I have Car-"

"Car?" Butters squinted at the way Kyle's mouth snapped shut. "Uh yeah, cars are cool. Yours is pretty nice. Birthday present, right? My parents won't let me drive. They're afraid I'll be staring too much at boobies and crash."

Kyle burst out laughing and it wasn't long before Butters began giggling too. Kyle wiped his eyes. "Maybe if they were Kenny's boobies."

"Kenny would walk down the street with his boobies out, no question, so it's possible!" Butters undid his seatbelt and opened the door. "I better go before they ground me."

"Kenny's boobs?"

Butters snorted. "Noooo, my parents."

Kyle watched thoughtfully as the other boy half-circled the car and hopped lightly onto the sidewalk before asking quietly, "I'm invited to the wedding right?" though Butters' parents would probably have never heard from that far indoors even if he'd yelled at the top of his lungs.

Butters beamed back. "Of course. I need someone to take over from Cartman."

"Really? Wait…" He considered their earlier conversation. "As Best Man or Maid of Honour?"

"It's a surprise," Butters teased and fled into his house before Kyle could get at him.

The front door opened with a gentle sweep as Kyle mentally prepared himself for Cartman's haranguing for leaving him behind and then forgetting all about it after five minutes and pestering him for sex. Not that Kyle would let him linger for too long. He was looking forward to his bed for more reasons than just an afternoon nap. But Cartman was nowhere to be found downstairs and unfortunately the only people Kyle did discover were his parents, sat in silent umbrage at the kitchen table, and he didn't dare ask why they were home early or why they were fuming. He said his greetings curtly and dashed upstairs to sanctuary.

"Shut uuuuuppppp!" Cartman whined from beyond Kyle's bedroom door. "Shut up, shut up, shuuuuuuut, uuuuppppp."

Fucking asshole, thought Kyle as he hadn't even said anything and it was his room anyway; he could do what he liked. He went in and found Cartman flailing on the bed with his face down and wings flapping with hysterical but windless vigour, and Ike sat on his office chair reading an essay to him on Colonial America.

"Kahl!" Cartman jumped up and held him joyously. "Save me from your boring little dilbro."

"What's going on?" said Kyle, carefully addressing Ike and not Cartman.

He looked up from his homework. "I have to present this on Monday and I figured I'd practice on Cartman."

"What makes you think Cartman is here?"

"Because you keep talking to him like he is, so I figured he must be. And he saved my life. I can feel him sometimes too. It's like static from an old TV." He waved his hand over the bed. "Aw, did he leave? Didn't he like my essay?"

"Your elocution sucks," said Cartman from behind Kyle. Kyle elbowed him and asked him what was going on. Cartman explained the kitchen mishap as concisely as he could. "My fucking wings again, man. They must have decided stopping him from staining the kitchen lino with his brains was a good deed."

"It was. Thank you, Cartman," Kyle said with an earnest sweet smile that reminded Cartman that there were plenty more sinful things he wanted to do with that mouth and he couldn't with the Broflovskis cock-blocking him.

Ike was still looking up at his big brother expectantly. "Well? Did he think it was good?"

"First off, Cartman isn't here. There's no such thing as ghosts. Second, you shouldn't be climbing on the counters. Use the stool."

"I did use the stool, and how did you know I was on the counters unless Cartman told you," he answered triumphantly.

"Dumbass," said Cartman.

"Mom told me." Kyle hoped that was a viable solution to the plot-hole.

Ike still looked sceptical, but he packed up his schoolwork and made his way out of the door. "Wait a sec!" he yelped and tried to run back in. "Cartman! That's who you were fucking last night?!"

Kyle slammed the door in his face.

"Duuuuudeeeee, you fucked a ghost! You fucked Cartman! I can't decide which is wilder!"

Kyle fell onto his bed groaning theatrically as Ike's laughter faded into the other bedroom. Cartman landed beside him and pulled him into a cuddle. "I take it we're not having sexy times?"

"Sorry, babe."

"Ew, don't call me babe. Makes me think of Bitchy McBitchface."

Kyle rolled into him and tucked his head under his chin. "How about sheyn?"

"Now you're just making fun of me."

"Not one bit," he replied and nuzzled closer. Cartman held him a little bit tighter as they drifted off into sleep.

Next chapter:

If it weren't for his wings it wouldn't take much effort to scoot back and let Kyle fuck the demon out of him. Just as he was considering flipping over Kyle shuddered against him and Eric mumbled, "Maybe next time," into his curls and wiped a seeded hand onto the sheets.