"Ike, what are you doing?" Wendy asked as she gingerly approached the small boy seemingly talking to himself. He flinched guiltily and hid his hands behind his back. Stan stood beside him and squeezed his shoulder, looking around at the others for advice.

It was Kenny who probed further. "Ike, were you uh… talking to Cartman just now?"

"Lie. Plead the fifth," said Cartman. "Be the sneaky Canuck I know you can be."

"Only to find out about Kyle," said Ike and Cartman's groan could have been heard for miles had he not been a ghost.

"Oh honey…" Wendy held his face tenderly. "Honey, we get what you're doing but Cartman's not here."

"He is! I swear it!"

"Dude, that's impossible," said Kenny firmly and pressed his hand against the 'Best Friend' chain he always wore. "I didn't want to say anything before but if Cartman was around, I'd be the first to know."

"Ken-ken, what are you talking about?"

Kenny had been wary about bringing it up. Since they'd left childhood his friends had forgetten about his strange abilities. "I can see spirits, unless they're strong enough to hide from me but there's no way a newbie like Cartman could do that."

Ike held out his hands and asked Cartman if there was a reason Kenny couldn't see him. The others watched curiously as he held up his left hand after a moment showing them the word written upon it.

"That's impossible," Kenny repeated but he sounded unsure.

"Gosh fellas, I think Ike's been through enough tonight," said Butters. "I don't see why we can't let him play with Eric if that's what he wants to do."

"Actually me and Cartman could use your help. He's stuck here. We need to find a way to get him back to the afterlife so he can be with Kyle."

Stan's eyes widened. "What exactly do you mean by 'be with Kyle'?"

"Be together again. They're in love."

"We fucking aren't!" Cartman shrieked. "I'm pounding his sweet little kosher ass – that's it!"

All the others but Stan stared at Ike as if he had claimed tacos pooped ice-cream. "IN LOVE?"

"Yeah. Well they're fucking at least."

"How do you fuck a ghost?"

"From the sound of it – pretty hard."

Normally Stan would have gone green at the mere thought. Instead he became pensive and told Ike to go back inside. "We'll deal with Cartman."

"Sweetie, you don't really believe this?"

"I do." He held up his phone. "Where is he, Ike?"

"I can feel him to my right."

Stan pressed the screen and showed them resulting picture. A glowing streak beside Ike made the gang gasp. "Those pictures you took, Wendy – the ones that came out funny – it was Cartman all along."

"No fucking way…" was her whispered reply but the evidence seemed compelling enough that she didn't counter it.

"Okay," said Stan with resolution. "Cartman, you're coming with us. Ike, you really need to go be with your family."

"But-"

"Buddy…" Stan pulled the little boy into a fierce hug. "Your parents need you more than ever now Kyle's gone, and you need time to grieve too. You just lost your only brother."

Ike buried his face into Stan's chest with a sad sigh. "But I wanna help."

"You've done a lot already. He'd be super proud of you. Don't worry. We'll take up the mantle."

Reassured (but not completely happy at being excluded from the adventure) Ike obediently left. "Good luck, Cartman!" he called back.

"Bye, squirt," he said, pretending that he wasn't wiping his eyes. Butters was also sniffling from the heart-wrenching scene.

Stan located a pen from Wendy's purse and began to put 'yes' and 'no' on his hands as Ike had done. "So," he said as he was writing, "anyone got any ideas?"

"Cartman's stuck here and I can't see him. Smacks of interference from the other side if you ask me."

"First I think we need a better form of communication than hands," said Wendy. "Yes and no won't get us very far with such a complicated situation."

"Well gosh if none of us can talk to Eric what'll we do? Hire a medium?"

"Buttercup, you're a genius!"

"I am? Thanks! But where'll we get a medium, Ken?"

Kenny pulled them out towards the parking lot with a manic grin on his face. "We won't. Not exactly. We don't need a medium."

"What do we need?"

"A lesbian."

Damien rubbed his throbbing temples to relieve their aching caused by the generic techno blasting at him from all sides. He had been waiting for Satan for almost an hour, meanwhile chasing away several would-be suitors, and it looked as though another was headed towards him.

"Hello there, sweetheart," said an admittedly attractive man in Daisy Dukes. "You here with anyone?"

"I'm waiting for my father."

"Oh, lucky! I wish I had a daddy."

"You misunderstand. He's my actual father."

The man held up his hands. "Hey kid, whatever. I'm not here to judge."

Damien swallowed down his disgust at the implication and cursed the man with genital warts before slipping down from his stool and leaving him to his desperate scratching. As luck would have it, his father finally appeared sipping demurely at a Long Island iced tea. He shrank guiltily at Damien's furious scowl and offered him some of his drink. Damien resisted the urge to throw it halfway across the club and dragged his father outside.

"Damien, we are not supposed to take drinks out of the establishment. It is against the rules."

"Just smite anyone who stops you – you're Satan for fuck's sake! Your whole schtick is flouting rules!"

Satan toyed with his paper umbrella. "I know, I know. I have been losing my edge, as the kids say."

"No kids say that. Anyway, I'm here to warn you about that guy Cartman's been fucking."

"Kyle has died, I am aware. I happened upon him at the gate on level Thirteen."

"You happened upon him? Just as I thought; you were completely oblivious to it all."

"It is not my fault! You know omniscience is His thing."

"Be that as it may," Damien snapped, "what do we do with Kyle?"

"I have left him in your care."

"You're just leaving him alone?!"

"Not at all – Pip is guarding him."

Damien finally smacked Satan's drink out of his hands. "That's not what I meant. What I don't understand is why you don't just erase him. Keeping him around will just encourage and enrage Cartman."

"And incur the Wrath of God? I cannot destroy one of His Creations without good reason. The paperwork alone is monstrous. And you owe me a new drink," he growled back as passers-by dodged the flames shooting out from his fingers as he threw his hands out in anger.

"Maybe if Cartman was a threat to your drinks cabinet instead of your crown you might become a little more proactive."

"Son, I shall deal with this in my own way. There are complexities to this situation. I cannot do whatever I wish. If I could, it would be a simple case of removing his angelic status."

"Can you do that?"

"No, but God can. So far He is staying out of this fight, as He did when I fought His Son ten years past. He has His reasons and we cannot comprehend them."

"Sounds convenient for Cartman."

"Perhaps it is meant to be."

Damien looked at his father curiously. Did he truly think this was part of God's Plan? Was that why he was being so compliant? Damien had always expected to inherit Hell when his father grew bored and decided to retire. Cartman was a variable to the situation that he did not like.

"Come along, father," he said and began to walk back towards the club. "Let's replace your drink before it gets busy in there."

Satan was surprised but followed. "Thank you, son."

"By the way, I like your poncho. Angel hair, right? Is that not dangerous?"

"It can drain the energy of lesser demons, but not you or I. Would you like one?"

Damien declined.

"Fuuuuuccccck, would you hang on for just one butt-fucking second?" Bebe griped as she unlocked her front door. "The Hell do you want, Kenny?"

"Kenny and Friends, Trademarked," he said, gesturing at Stan, Butters and Wendy (and Cartman) walking up from their cars. "We want your ouija board."

"What makes you think I have a ouija board?"

"Because all lesbians are witches."

She pushed him into the snow. "For one thing I'm pan. And second I'm not a witch."

"Wiccan, whatever. Can we use it or not?"

"I'm not a witch!"

Kenny was hurled back onto the ground before Butters could save him. He shook the snow from his parka with a merry laugh. "Bebe, Bebe… birds fly, fish swim, lesbians are Earth mothers. Stop denying your heritage and please can we borrow it for one sec."

"No. That shit is dangerous. I only have it for research. Wendy, I can't believe you're encouraging these idiots."

"It's a long story, Bebe. Can we come in and explain? I promise Kenny will stop with his stupid stereotypes."

Bebe yielded and soon they were gathered in her living room – Butters and Kenny squashed together on one arm chair, not that either minded, and Stan and Wendy on the couch with Bebe with Cartman hovering behind getting a good view down her cleavage again. "So," Bebe began, "what's going on, Wendy?"

"We need the ouija board to talk to Cartman."

"Why would you want to talk to Cartman of all people?"

"Fuck you too, Titty McBoobs."

"There's some shit we need to find out from him. Mostly how to get him out of here and back home."

"You're saying he's here? Right now?"

They were interrupted by Heidi bouncing down the stairs and accidentally stumbling upon their conversation. "Oh!" she gasped, wrapping Bebe's bathrobe tightly around her naked body. "I didn't know there was company." She looked down at her attire with a blush. "I um, I spilled some tea on my clothes and Bebe said I could… uh…"

"Jesus Christ, Heidi," said Wendy. "No-one cares that you two are fucking. There's not a straight person in the damned room anyhow."

"I'm straight."

"No-one asked you, sweetie." Wendy turned from Stan and got back to business. "Bebe, obviously you're right in that ouija boards are a serious matter if they are real. We'll need your help."

"And now that we have two lesbian witches we'll be twice as safe."

"Shut up Kenny."

Next Chapter:

He'd held it together for weeks but seeing Cartman backlit by the portal about to take him away again was too much. He threw himself into his arms, choking on the hot glistening tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. "I wanted to come see you, dude. I promise I'll come see you."