Donna stepped off the elevator with two hot lattes in her hands and an oversized bag on her shoulder.
"Good Morning, Cynthia," she greeted Sam's secretary. "I know I'm quite early, but is he free?"
"Of course, Miss Moss. Go on in." Cynthia gave Donna a nod of approval.
"Knock, knock," Donna peeked her head into Sam's office to find him staring out the windows into the city.
He turned around at her voice, plastering a quintessential Sam smile onto his face. "Good Morning. You're here early," he took his drink from her and closed the door to his office. Sam took a large sip making his way to the table in the far corner to join her. "Delicious. Thank you."
"You're welcome. The professor cut class short so I thought I'd just head over. If you're busy I can come back-"
"No," Sam interjected. "Not at all. Actually," he paused for a moment, taking another sip of his latte to buy some time."This is really good. It's just what I needed this morning," he gave her a genuine smile of appreciation, then stopped his stalling. "Donna, there's something on my mind that I'd like to discuss with you."
"Oh?" Donna, who had been sorting through a folder in her bag to find the paper she wanted Sam to proof that morning, stilled her actions.
"It's just that- I feel like I could be doing more."
"Oh? Oh." This was about Josh. She'd barely slept herself over the last few nights, tossing and turning thinking about him. It broke her heart to know that he was under so much pressure and, to her knowledge, had very few people to depend on.
Late one night she'd wondered if perhaps he'd turn to Amy again to blow off some steam, but that train of thought quickly made her nauseous, so she'd let go of it. She'd consoled herself with the knowledge that Josh and Sam still kept in touch occasionally. There was no ill will between either of them- they spoke as often as Josh's schedule and erratic lines of thinking would allow. "Did he call you back?"
"No," Sam admitted. "But I just can't help but to think that if I were there maybe I could have helped to prevent some of this. Maybe I could have leveled him out a bit."
"Sam, you really can't blame yourself," Donna told him. "You were honest with him when you turned down the DCoS job. That's all anyone can ask of you. I know just how taxing it is to be in The White House for extended periods of time and nobody blames you for wanting to have a personal life."
"Josh does," Sam quickly retorted.
"Well, no one who has a personal life blames you. How about that?" Donna amended, perhaps a bit more curtly than she'd intended.
Sam sighed. He'd frequently wondered how his life would be different if he'd accepted Josh's job offer during transition. Truth be told, he'd missed politics, and he'd hated letting his best friend down. At that point he was recently engaged and he'd just been offered partner. But as Sam was figuring out, his heart was still in Washington- the same thing, he thought, could be said for the woman across the table from him, though the phrase took on a very different meaning for Donna.
"Listen, Sam. You know he's not mad at you. You're his best friend. He may have been disappointed at first but you made the decision that you had to. You're the only one he communicates with on a regular basis- or at least the Josh Lyman version of a regular basis."
"Yeah." Sam wasn't convinced, but he knew she'd understand more than anyone else.
"Sam, mark my words. When the going truly gets tough, he will come to you."
Sam lifted his gaze to meet Donna's. "That's only because he doesn't know where you are."
"I'm not hiding," she stated clearly but in a tone that left no room for argument. "My number hasn't changed. If he wanted to speak to me, all he'd have to do is pick up the phone. He's the Chief of Staff of the United States. If he wanted to know where I was he'd figure it out."
"Yeah," Sam let it go. He knew better than to start down this path- with either of them. Donna had never truly told him the details of what happened when she'd left The White House, or what was said in her interview with Josh for a spot on the Santos Campaign before she'd ended up in LA. Sure, he had a pretty good idea of what happened, but Donna never gave him any details. And Sam hadn't pried. That was between Josh and Donna.
But he knew his best friend, and right off the bat he could tell that something wasn't sitting right. So after months of wondering and carefully avoiding the topic, Sam found himself face to face with Josh once again. And after he'd declined the DCoS job, he'd asked. He'd asked Josh why Donna wasn't with him. Josh had swallowed hard and muttered a flimsy excuse about not being able to hire her, a painful look on his face. And that's when Sam had first noticed that Josh was coming unglued.
"If you ever want to talk about it, I'm always here," Sam offered, pulling himself back to the present and offering a friendly ear to Donna. She had always remained tight lipped about anything having to do with Josh, but Sam didn't want her to have to hold things inside. Their lives were different now. She could be honest with her friends about her feelings. Besides, when Sam's fiance Claire had called off the wedding, Donna had listened to him and tried to help him work through it for weeks.
"He told me he missed me," Donna began as she stared at nothing, breaking her silence on the topic. "The last time I saw him, after the convention, he told me he missed me. And for a moment I actually believed him."
Sam didn't want to take sides, nor was he particularly motivated to rush to Josh's defense on this topic, but something inside of him felt the need to remind Donna of what Sam hoped she truly knew in her heart. "Donna. He does miss you. He did that day and I'm sure that he does now."
"Well then he should act like it," Donna's response was biting as she snapped back to reality. "When I came to him, after I thought I'd proven myself on the campaign trail, he just sat there and read back the remarks I'd made while I worked for the VP. He wouldn't even let me get through what I'd prepared to say to him before he shot me down. He had a folder, Sam. He had a folder of reasons why he wouldn't hire me at the ready. And he didn't even hesitate! I had nowhere to go. I had no one. And he slammed the door! Nothing, and no one, will ever be more important to Josh than politics."
"That's not true and I think you know that."
Donna immediately hung her head, shoulders slumping, and stared at the ground. She was silent for a moment before continuing in a meek voice. "It's just- as much as I wanted it to be, as much as I hoped it would be, it wasn't me. It never would be."
"Donna-" Sam didn't know where to start. He vividly remembered speaking to Josh during the time Donna was in the hospital in Germany. He'd never heard such devastation in the other man's voice. Sam thought maybe they'd figure it out after that- but much to everyone's dismay they never did.
"Don't," she responded, pressing her eyes closed. "I can't, Sam. Not right now."
Sam dropped it, changing gears and quickly reading through Donna's paper, finding only a few places to make suggestions in the four page document as he watched Donna out of the corner of his eye. She was lost in thought but he knew that there were some things that he couldn't help her work through.
"This looks great, as it always does." Sam made a minor notation in the margin of Donna's paper before handing it back to her. "I need to read over a few things, but you can stay," Sam offered, knowing her office didn't open for another 45 minutes as he flipped on the TV and stood near his desk scanning a memo.
They remained in comfortable silence as Donna watched a short human interest piece on beekeepers while waiting for the morning's breaking news to return. She casually crossed the room to toss away her now empty coffee cup, briefly pausing to help herself to one of granola bars she knew to be stashed in Sam's middle drawer.
Just like clockwork, the headline news returned at the top of the hour and Josh was once again the topic of conversation. The anchor kept a running commentary on Josh's reputation and the upcoming book as the camera held the shot on Josh exiting his town car in front of the Capitol Building.
Donna watched, completely enthralled, as he strode across the courtyard and slipped his sunglasses on before rapidly ascending the steps while flanked by two agents, a determined scowl permanently plastered across his face.
The way he commanded the full attention of those around him was apparent, even through the TV screen. She watched him walk with intent, still able to pinpoint every single mannerism with ease. He was angry, that she could clearly see, and someone was about to pay.
She focused on him, studying the way that he moved, his kinetic energy. She watched for any more of his tells, but he was completely walled off, in full on political operative mode. Still, she locked her gaze on him until the Capitol police swung the doors open and he disappeared into the building. He was stressed, that much she could deduce, even more so than usual. And he was favoring his right side. She doubted he'd been taking good care of himself, and hoped he wasn't in too much pain from the chronic stiffness resulting from the injuries he'd sustained in Rosslyn.
Donna let out a ragged breath. That was all she had of him now, and she clung to it. It was a little window into his life. She'd heard the rumours about him for the last two years- how he'd completely gone off the deep end. How his temper was more erratic than ever and that if you crossed him he'd make it his mission to destroy you. But in her heart she knew her Josh was still in there somewhere.
Sam softly sat his memo down and leaned back on on his desk, Donna following suit to sit next to him.
"I miss him, Sam," she admitted out loud for the first time in at least a year.
"I know you do," Sam gave her shoulder a squeeze.
Donna sniffled once and quickly wiped away the tears pooling in her eyes. She wasn't going to fall apart over him again. Not here, not now.
"When you talk to him next," she cleared her throat, "be sure to do the thing."
Sam nodded his understanding to Donna's request. It was a long unspoken agreement between the two that Sam would, to the best of his ability, gage Josh's well being and, if need be, call Abbey Bartlet. Donna wouldn't ask for details, she wouldn't invade Josh's privacy that way, or abuse his trust in Sam. She just wanted to make sure he was taken care of.
And Sam, though well versed in the goings ons in Donna's life, was never asked to divulge any information to Josh, other than an assurance that she was okay.
He was grateful that neither of his friends ever put him in the middle of things, but saddened by the heartbreak they both quietly carried.