Chapter 11
Ana and I are sitting at one of the tables waiting for Elliot. The restaurant looks brand new, Ana needs to do a review of the place. This is not my type of place, but I'm all for the food. Ana is taking some pictures of the place, I can see her arranging elements on the table and I take this time to look at her.
I think is the first time I see Ana and the first thing I think is that she is pregnant. I mean, I know she is, but I finally see her showing her belly. All this time her pregnancy has been something abstract, but after seeing the baby in the ultrasound and then visiting the adoption agency, I can help but think only in the baby. I don't think I have ever see Ana touch her belly when she is awake. Is she avoiding it? Maybe she doesn't want to acknowledge her pregnancy.
"What are you looking me like that?". Busted!
"Like what?".
"I don't know, you are looking me funny".
"Well, you are taking photos of an empty plate", I say.
"Well, I also plan to take pictures of the plate with food", she giggles.
"What are you craving?".
"I don't know. Can we order like a bunch of things so I can taste as much as possible? Maybe we can do like a buffet at our table?".
"Sure".
I'm so focused on the menu that I'm startled when I feel someone sit next to Ana. My paranoia is getting better, but I still feel the need to bring security with me.
"Sorry, guys. It took me longer than I thought", Elliot says reaching for his menu.
"It's ok", Ana answers.
"Did you found your phone?", I ask him
"My phone?".
"Yes, you said you forgot your phone".
"Oh, yeah. Yes I found it", he says but he doesn't look me in the eye. Something is weird with him.
We place our order and wait. I look at Ana and she is playing with her drink, Elliot is focused on his phone and I feel awkward. I feel the need to feel the silence.
"So, I'm going to adopt two dogs", I say and feel like an idiot for bringing the adoption to the table.
"Dogs? Two dogs?", Elliot asks.
"Yes".
"Where are you going to keep two dogs? Your apartment is beautiful, but dogs need space to run. Or are you getting small dogs?", Ana says.
"Well, Elliot is going to start soon on my house on the sound, so the dogs will have space there, a lot of space. Right now there are just puppies, they don't need so much space, but I plan to take them to the park near Escala every day, and they can go run with me", I defend.
Why does it look like they do not approve of my decision?
"Bro, can you take care of them? Don't get me wrong, I think dogs are awesome, but they need attention and you work all the time, you go out of town a lot".
"I know I work long hours, but I really think I can take care of them. I'm going to make time for them and if I have to, I will take them to the office or to my travels".
I'm not letting them make me feel like I can't have my dogs.
"Do you know what kind of dog do you want?", Elliot asks me.
"Yeah. They are American Akita. Andrea's dog had puppies, and I'm going to keep two of them".I say and take my phone to show them pictures of the puppies. I haven't seen them in person, but Andrea send me some photos and I will admit that there are really cute.
Elliot reaches for the phone, but I notice Ana is really quiet. Maybe this wasn't the best way to break the silence. Fuck!
"Bro, they are going to be big dogs, like really really big. Oh my god, they are so cute".
"Have you ever had a puppy?", Ana finally asks me.
"No. When we were kinds Elliot and I really wanted one, but Mia is allergic, so we couldn't have one. Why?".
"Because having a puppy is not easy. You have to feed them, take care of them, make sure they breathe. You may have a lot of staff, but your life will change, Christian", Ana says seriously.
Somehow, I don't feel like we are talking about the dogs anymore.
"I know, Ana. Believe me, I'm not making this decision lightly. I already thought about it. I even talk to Gail, she is not going to be responsible for the dogs, but she may have to spend time with them. She said she will love the company. This is a consent decision, I promise", I say and reach for her hand, but she looks away.
"I support you. I even make time to help you with the dogs if you have any emergency trips. I have a big backyard, so you can take them to my place while I finished building your house".
"Thank you, Elliot".
"I think you should think about it more".
"Ana, I think Christian and me, of all people, know what adoption involves. It doesn't matter if we are talking about dogs here, I'm sure Christian will treat those dogs good and the three of them will be happy".
"I don't doubt Christian's ability to take care of them, I'm just saying that those dogs will change his life. Maybe not the way a kid will do, but it's going to change".
"Of course is going to change. But, just like Christian and I are supporting you in your decision, we should support him. Just like I hope you bout support me in any decision that I make".
"It's not the fucking same!", Ana exclaims.
Just then the food arrives and I, for once, I'm thankful for the interruption, this is getting out of control.
"I need to use the bathroom", Ana says and gets up.
Elliot and I look at each other.
"I shouldn't say anything".
"Why not? Bro, that's something good for you".
"I know, but maybe after all that has happened today, this wasn't the best conversation topic".
"I don't think adoption will ever be a good conversation topic. But I'm serious, if we can accept Ana's decision, she should do the same. We are not questioning her anymore, so why is she questioning you?".
"I know, but I also think this can't be an easy topic for her. She is not making an easy decision, Lell".
"Shit, I know, Bro. But not talking about doesn't make it go away".
Ana comes back and we start to eat in silence. She takes some photos of the food and from time to time she makes some notes. I'm thinking of something to say that doesn't ruin our day more when Ana finally speaks.
"I'm sorry, Christian. I shouldn't act like that. I think having dogs may be good for you".
"No, Ana, please, don't apologize, I'm sure this is not an easy topic for you. I just couldn't think of anything else to say".
She gives me a sad smile and reaches for my hand and Elliot's hand.
"You know, when I was little, I always felt alone. I was an only child, I didn't have any cousins or friends. We used to move a lot, so I spend a lot of my time by myself. That's why I love books so much, they keep me company. So when I was little, I promise myself that when I grew up and have a family, I will have a lot of kids, so they will never feel alone. I always dream to have a big family. I still do. I want to fall in love, I want to get marry and have a family".
"You can have all of those things, Banana. Is not like you're getting old or something", Elliot tells her.
"I know that. And I want that".
"Then why are you deciding on adoption? I will support you in anything you want but help me understand. Help us to understand you", Elliot says to her and looks at me.
"I don't want the baby to suffer. Don't get me wrong. My problem is not having this baby, my problem it's who the father is. Ethan hurt me, he hurt my feelings. He made me feel like I wasn't enough and that this baby will never be worthy. If I was pregnant from someone else, maybe it will never be a problem and I will have it with a smile on my face. But if I keep the baby, Ethan will know, maybe down the road, he will want to be involved in her life. Who can assure me that he will never tell the baby that he wanted me to get an abortion? What if he makes her suffer? My problem is not the baby, my problem is the father", Ana says and I can see some tears running down her face.
Elliot hugs her and I move my chair next to hers so I can hug her too.
"If Ethan ever tries to hurt this baby, he will soon meet my fist, Ana. That I promise", I say to her.
"I know where to hide a body", Elliot being Elliot, makes her laugh.
"I just want you to understand that I'm doing what I think it will be best for her. It hurts me to give her away. Hell, I'm not completely sure I will do it, but maybe she can have a family that will love her, where she will have a mother and a father that will make her feel special".
"Banana, she can have all of that with you. You will love her, and she will have two amazing uncles".
"I know, but it's also a selfish decision. I'm also thinking of me. On how my life will change. I'm not going to be able to do all the things I want to do. I will not be able to put myself first. As a mother I can not be thinking like that, it should be natural to put your baby first, but I can't help to think of all of the things I will lose".
"I get it. Believe me, I know how your life can change in the blink of an eye. But you are a strong woman, Ana. I'm sure any decision you make will be the right one. Maybe is selfish to think about your future, but I think that's also good, you know she could have a great life with someone else and you can also be happy. Having a child shouldn't have to mean to suffer or put your life on pause".
"Christian is right, and I'm sorry, I know I haven't been the best support, but I promise that changes today. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much Christian or I promise to be by your side, at the end of the day it will be you and the baby. You know what are you capable to do".
"Thank you, guys. I will keep thinking about it".
"You do that, little girl. Think of all the possibilities. Hell, you can ask Ethan to renounce to his rights as a father, that way the baby will never have to know about his existence".
"That's not a bad idea. Shit, Lell, you are not so stupid after all. Maybe you are a smart Grey". I tell him and he tries to punch me over Ana.
We all hug once more and finish eating. We are all a little tire, so we decide to go our separate ways. Ana and I go back to Escala and Elliot to his house.
When Ana and I get back to Escala she asks to watch a movie, but because I'm trying to finish the seven season of Game of Thrones, she agrees to watch it with me.
In the middle of the episode, when the good guys arrive at the bad queen land, Ana jumps in her sit.
"What's wrong? Are you ok?".
"Sorry, I'm fine. The baby just kicked me. She doesn't do it often, but always startles me", Ana says with a hand on her belly.
I smile at her and sit closer to her.
"Does it hurt?", I ask her.
"No, not really. It's weird", she smiles at me. "Here, feel her", she takes my hand and places her on her belly and I feel the baby kicking again.
It feels just like last night, but I can't tell Ana that this is not the first time I feel the baby, so I just smile to her.
We finish the episode and Ana gives me a big hug goodnight.
"Thank you, Christian. I don't know what I will do without you or Elliot", she tells me.
Ana gets on her tiptoes and kisses me on the corner of my mouth. I do everything in my power to control myself. God, I want her so much, but I don't know how to tell her, I'm afraid I will scare her away. I go to my room and think of all the ways I can tell her my feelings, but in the end, I resolve to find a way to know what she feels about me. When I know that, I will act or desist.
The next morning, at breakfast Ana asks me about the puppies. She gets excited about them, so we go to the pet store and she helps me buy a lot of things for the puppies. I'm going to have to ask Elliot to build a place for the puppies next to the garage.
Since my real state agent can't show Ana some places today, she is staying until tomorrow in Seattle, so she will go with Elliot and me to my parent's house for dinner. It's going to be a big deal. Elliot and I want to introduce them to Ana. Luke and his boyfriend are going to be there, so we may have a great time.
Taylor is driving Ana and me to Elliot's house, when we get there, he is already waiting for us.
"Wow, Bro, you really are punctual. I haven't even closed the door of the house".
"Punctuality is a virtue", I say to him. Our grandparent used to say that to us. It seems I was the only one listening.
We walk to my parent's house and found Luke and Bill outside.
"What are you doing here?", I ask them.
"What took you so long?", Luke ask us.
"What do you mean? We are on time", I said.
"We have been here for an hour or so. My mom wanted to talk to your mom, so we got here early. We had to talk to Mia's boyfriend, he is so far his own ass, I don't get how he breathes", Luke says.
"We are outside because I was sure Luke was going to punch him. And I don't think your grandma needs to see that".
"Well, I didn't know Mia has a new boyfriend. I wasn't even expecting her to be here", Elliot says.
I see him looking back to his house and I know he is considering to go back.
"Come on, Lell, how bad can it be? Ana is here, Bill is here, even Luke's company will muffle Mia's attitude".
"Fine! Let's go".
Ana is laughing at us. I'm sure we look like we are going to war. And we are, we just didn't know.
"Darling, how are you?", my mom says to me and kiss me in the cheek.
"Hi, mom", I kiss her back.
"Mother, you look lovely", Elliot hugs her. "Mom, I want to introduce you to Ana, she is my friend", he says and hugs Ana on the side.
"She is also my friend!", I say, feeling insulted.
"I can be friends with both", Ana giggles. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Grey".
"Oh, darling, please call me Grace. Oh my god, you are pregnant, how lovely. Please, come in".
My mother says to her and leads Ana to the living room, but she turns to give Elliot and me the evil eye.
"What?", we say at the same time.
"We'll talk later", Mom tells us.
Elliot and I look at each other and go to the living room, we see Ana standing there, when I get to her side I see her in shock.
"What the fuck is he doing here?", Elliot says.
Ethan fucking Kavanagh is sitting on the sofa with Mia.