Things changed after that.
She would get out of work in the evening. If she felt up to it, she would put whatever work she had in her purse and go to the castle. Severus kept eating dinner in his rooms, so she would steal bites of whatever he was eating, to his dismay. Every night he would ask her if he should order an extra plate for her and every night she would tell him she wasn't hungry while she snagged another forkful of whatever he was having. Then he started grading papers and she worked on articles and proofread until they were finished or nearly finished. Then they would shag and talk afterwards.
Besides the frequency of their encounters, it was their talks that had changed the most since his birthday. They became longer and deeper. She learned about his childhood, details about his life as a Death Eater, and even about the spells he had created. She was learning to open up to him more, too, about her dad and her feelings in the world of writing and journalism.
And then there was touching after sex, which had never happened before but was now happening regularly. She didn't know what to think of it, but she definitely liked it. Sometimes, before his birthday, she would fall asleep feeling alone even though he was on the other side of the bed. Now, she always knew he was there, that there was someone there.
There were a few occasions where he was summoned to a meeting while she was there. She would finish his food and her work and attempt to stay up for him, but she never made it. Perhaps it was because she had never seen Severus right after a meeting and she wasn't sure she wanted to. She would see the marks on his chest when they were together in the nights following and he usually was a bit shaky the next morning, but she had no idea how he was fresh out of the torture chamber. She didn't understand- if he was You-Know-Who's favorite, why was he hurting him? She never asked.
It took her awhile to realize that Severus Snape had become her best friend and perhaps one of the best friends she had ever had. It was odd, really. She couldn't vent to him about trivial things like she used to do with Betty- Severus would tell her quite bluntly that she was being boring. She couldn't talk about men she was with because he was the only man she was having sex with. He was rude, and he never asked how her day was. He didn't care. But yet, when it came to the deep things, the important things, he did. When they talked about their pasts, he was interested and understanding.
She felt as though she had cracked his code. The world cared about trivial things and Severus Snape did not and that was why he and the world did not get along.
Work seemed so much more different now. She and her colleagues used to joke around about Cuffe, imitate Rita, and go out to London for drinks. But now, she barely spoke to anyone- not really even Betty. They didn't like her anymore and she could tell it wasn't just because of her success in the office. She had been acting differently with them, because they weren't in the Order. They didn't see life the way she did anymore. They didn't see the war the way she did. The war was black typing on yellow paper for them. The war was the death of a very good friend for her. The war was another friend living like a savage among wolves. The war was her best friend risking his life every week. They didn't understand and it distanced her from them.
So now she went to work purely to work. She received dirty looks all day long. Even Mr. Cuffe was noticing, warning her she ought to make friends or her colleagues would try to take her down. But she didn't want to admit that their hostility hurt her, so she did nothing about it. The friendliest words exchanged were between her and Betty making empty plans to go out to lunch.
One day at work, Gwen was shifting through some papers that needed revising, when Andy of all people came to her cubicle. His disdain for her was greater than most. "There's some guy here to see you," he muttered, walking away before she could ask anything. She sighed and made her way downstairs to the lobby.
"Kingsley!" she said, surprised. She smiled and he mirrored it.
"Hello, Gwen," he said kindly.
"I thought you were, you know." She made a face, knowing it wouldn't be wise to mention that Kingsley was guarding the Muggle prime minister in a lobby full of witches and wizards.
"I get time off," he assured her. "I was in the area and I was wondering if you'd like to get some dinner later."
She blinked, rather surprised to receive such an invitation from Kingsley of all people. She wasn't particularly close with the wizard, though they were friendly, but they had never really talked alone before. It seemed rather unexpected of him to ask. Her mind went to Severus briefly- maybe she could go see him later tonight- but then she smiled.
"Sure. Any particular reason why?"
"There's a matter I've been meaning to discuss with you," he said and her face fell. She was rather anxious all of a sudden, so he smiled calmingly, seeing the worry in her expression. "Don't worry, it isn't anything terrible. What time do you get off?"
"6."
"I'll meet you back here at 6 then," Kingsley said and she nodded and smiled.
As promised, the wizard met her outside the office at the promised time and they made their way to the Three Broomsticks. They ordered butterbeers and dinner, making small talk as they went along. She cleared her throat, still extremely concerned about what he wanted to talk about.
"So, er, what is the matter that you mentioned before?" she said, trying to sound casual. His face darkened slightly, but then returned to its normal state.
"There have been… rumors," he said slowly, his hands folded in front of him on the table. "Among Order members. Nobody has really had the courage to tell you, but… well, I felt it was a bit unfair for you to not know."
"Oh?" she said, injecting some false sweetness into her voice. So even the members of the Order had things to say about her? Perhaps Kingsley was a closer friend than she realized.
"It's nothing major," he assured her. "Most of the Order likes you dearly and don't mean you any harm and are very dismissive of the gossip. But some…"
"Moody, you mean," she muttered, very aware of the Auror's dislike for her. It was never very obvious- he just never spoke to her and it had never phased her. But he had been giving her dirty looks and snide remarks only recently.
"He doesn't really know you, Gwen," Kingsley said. "He's very suspicious of those he doesn't know."
"He was never like this before," she countered.
"Well, these rumors weren't around before."
"And what exactly are these rumors?" she demanded.
He sighed. "They think you're sleeping with Snape."
She laughed coldly. "Of course they do."
"They say you have lunch with him sometimes."
"I didn't realize having lunch with someone and having sex were synonymous," she muttered. "Are we not sharing a meal right now?"
"So you aren't?" Kingsley asked.
"No!" she exclaimed, hoping she sounded convincing enough. Kingsley was about to speak again but the food arrived and they both were a bit too hungry to continue the conversation right away. After eating a few bites, she spoke again. "So that's why Moody doesn't like me. Because he's convinced I'm sleeping with Snape."
"He doesn't trust Snape for a minute," Kingsley explained. "Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater." Gwen rolled her eyes. "He's the most malicious about it. Some others are also convinced, but they speak about it more as harmless gossip."
"Nothing is harmless gossip when it comes to Snape," Gwen said quickly, almost darkly and Kingsley looked taken aback. "Dumbledore tells us all the time we aren't to speak about Snape in such a manner. Imagine if You-Know-Who heard these rumors and what would happen."
Kingsley nodded, understandingly. "I know. I imagine the talk has started to die down- Arthur, Molly and Tonks have been really against people saying such things. But I believed it was your business to know what was being said."
"Tonks?" she asked, surprised. Her friend had accused her of sleeping with Snape and she knew for a fact it had happened before. Maybe Tonks was also a better friend than she gave her credit for. "I ought to thank her then."
XXXXXXXX
"Kingsley said you've been sticking up for me about those Snape rumors," Gwen said over tea the next day at Tonks's flat. "So thanks for that."
"Oh," Tonks said, waving it off. "It was nothing. I know you wouldn't be sleeping with Snape." Gwen felt a pang of guilt at the faith her friend had in her.
"You know, you never really told me how it went with Remus on New Year's," Gwen pointed out. Tonks sighed and ran her hands through her dark green hair. Gwen was delighted that Tonks was at least morphing her hair color again.
"It was good, I guess," Tonks said softly. "He told me he loved me, but gave that same damn list of excuses as to why we can't be together!" She stood up and started pacing. "Too old, too poor, too dangerous… obviously, also too stupid because he can't see how good we'd be for each other!" She stabbed her foot against a table and fell flat on her backside, causing Gwen to start laughing. Tonks laughed with her as Gwen helped her up.
"Well, at least you have a chance!" Gwen said encouragingly as Tonks sat back down.
"I suppose. He's gone back with the werewolves now. He's coming back in June." The two girls looked out the window at the rain.
"How is he?" Gwen asked softly. Besides dancing with him when he first returned, Gwen hadn't really been able to spend time with Remus.
"Sad," Tonks murmured. "He wanted to be happy and feel human again. He said in Grimmauld Place the jazz and the dancing would make him feel alive. That's why he tried dancing with you when he returned. But he said he just couldn't be happy on the inside."
"A lot of us feel that way. At least we have one another."
Tonks nodded. "When he comes home for good, he can be happy." She said it as though it was an absolute truth. She then slyly nudged Gwen with a smirk. "How was your time with Bill?"
"I'm trying not to think or speak about him," Gwen said rather quickly, trying not to let Bill slip back into her mind and heart. "But long story short, it was awful and I wish it would be erased from my memory forever."
"Well, cheers to forgetting the git!" Tonks said, lifting her tea cup. Gwen grinned and did the same, clinking Tonks's cup. If only there was a full proof way to forget said git, Gwen thought as Tonks broke her tea cup.
XXXXXXXXXX
"You told me you would teach me Occlumency after I mastered dueling."
Snape looked up at her from grading his papers. "So I did."
"And now I've mastered dueling."
He smirked. "That has yet to be seen?"
"What do you mean?" she asked, feeling slightly offended. She had worked and studied extremely hard to get to the level she thought she was at.
"It's rather different in a real duel than in the classroom," he said, going back to his work.
"I know that," she muttered.
"When you succeed in a real duel," he said. "Then we'll see."
She grinned. "You said when, not if." He merely looked up at her, then went back to his work. "So will you teach me Occlumency?"
He sighed and put down his quill, obviously giving up on doing any work. "Yes," he said quietly. "But you must understand the level of trust you must place in me. You must give me full access to your mind and if you're uncomfortable doing that, then I cannot teach you."
"Didn't you teach Harry?" she asked, knowing fully well that Harry had no trust in Snape.
"Yes," Snape said bitterly. "But that was only because Dumbledore did not think it would be wise for him to teach Potter. I am quite sure that Potter would have actually attempted to try and learn had Dumbledore been the one teaching him."
She felt a pang in her gut at the notion. What if Harry had tried to learn? Then maybe Sirius…
No. It was not Harry's fault, nor her fault nor Tonks's. It was purely Bellatrix's fault and Sirius wouldn't want any of them thinking any other way.
"So? Are you willing to give me complete access to your mind?"
She didn't even think about it. "Yes."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"The main idea of Occlumency is to be able to control your mind," Snape explained a few nights later. "If you can control your mind, you can shield it from outside penetration."
"So nobody will be able to read it?" she asked. He made a face and sighed with frustration.
"You sound like Potter," he spat.
She smirked. "They actually say I'm like his mother, you know." He ignored her comment.
"You cannot merely read one's mind! A mind is not a book! It is the most complex part of one's self and the power of controlling it is equally complicated!"
"Well, sorry," she muttered, annoyed at his impatience. "Can I control my emotions and thoughts if I master Occlumency?"
"You will have slight control over your emotions, yes." She beamed with curiosity and desire. To control her emotions and banish the awful thoughts from her mind would be utter bliss. "But to have complete control of your thoughts at all times is extremely difficult. It takes years and years of time and energy."
"Who taught you this?" she asked suddenly. It seemed a very difficult art to learn.
"The Dark Lord started with me and Dumbledore finished," he said calmly, as though it was very natural to have both of the great wizards as teachers. "Shall we begin?" She grinned. He never wasted anytime.
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
"Very well." He waved his wand and a Penseive floated over from a corner of the room. "You need to have a mental shield," he explained. "A wall so strong that none can get through it. To do this, you need to push every memory and thought behind this barrier so that when I attempt to enter your mind, I will find nothing." He put his wand to his head and started withdrawing memories from his mind and placing them in the Pensieve.
"Why are you doing that?" She asked.
"In case you end up entering my mind by some accident," he said nonchalantly.
"So I'm supposed to fully trust you with my thoughts, but you can't do the same?"
"I am going to enter your mind," he continued, speaking a little louder. "Your goal is to prevent me from seeing your memories or knowing your thoughts and feelings. Don't use your wand, use your mind. Control it." She blinked. He was reminding her of her Potions Master again. Despite her annoyance at his refusal to answer her question, she nodded, rather nervous. She wasn't exactly sure she was really ready to let Snape see all of her mind. But it was too late for second guessing now, as his wand was pointed at her.
"Legilimens!"
Her memories flashed in front of her, as though they were really happening right then. She was dancing with Lupin at the Burrow…. She was taking shots with her coworkers in London…. She was holding Bill's hand as they ran into the Forbidden Forest late at night their seventh year… There was her dad, her aunt, Mrs. Weasley. There was a suction-like sound and the memories were gone and Snape stood before her as she panted.
"Shit," she gasped, hands on her knees. "They were just coming so fast, I-"
"Block them out, stop them from coming. They aren't coming quickly- you are making them. Prepare yourself again. Legilimens!"
The memories came more slowly this time. She was dancing with her mother in the club in London, the lights dancing before her. She watched them in awe for a moment. No! The memory moved away and Snape's face became more clear. She felt as though she was pushing them back, away from him. It was working!
"Don't tell me you don't love me anymore, Gwennie," The words rang loudly in her mind and Bill was in front of her and suddenly she was kissing him in the cold New Year's snow. No! Stop! She felt her subconscious shouting. She didn't want to watch this! Her mind went into a frenzy. Suddenly she was running out her house the day she discovered her mother had left. She was screaming at Sirius in the sitting room of Grimmauld Place about Snape. She was dodging spells in the Department of Mystery. Sirius was falling into the veil, flashes of green light before him. No, NO! She felt herself scream and fall, the memories disappearing. She was panting, hands on the cold dungeon floor, bringing her back to reality. She looked up and he was watching her, his face completely different from when they first started. "What?" she asked breathlessly, slightly embarrassed that she had screamed. She felt a hollowness in her heart at watching Sirius fall back into the veil.
"You nearly had it," he said, his voice and face emotionless. "You must control your emotions, not the other way around." He offered her his hand to help her up. She took it and rose, but did not let go once she did. She felt something was off. He seemed unusually monotone with her. He was always like this with others, but with her? Not usually and certainly not tonight.
"What's wrong?"
He seemed taken aback. "Nothing's wrong." He took his hand out of hers. "Prepare yourself- we're doing this again."
"No." She insisted. "What's wrong? You're not acting the same way you did before we started."
"Gwendolyn, don't try to get out of-"
"I'm not trying to do anything," she said softly, putting her hands on his shoulders. She could feel him tense under her touch. "Does it bother you when I touch you?" She was feeling rather brave tonight.
"You touch me all the time."
"I mean outside of sex, outside of your bed," she nearly whispered, looking into the black orbs. He didn't say anything for a few moments.
"No," he said finally. "It doesn't bother me."
She offered him a small smile. She was still curious as to why his demeanor had changed so suddenly, but she accepted he wouldn't budge. Still, she didn't like when he acted this way when it was just her. At Order meetings she understood, but-
"Severus, was there an Order meeting tonight?" She asked suddenly. His eyes suddenly widened and she burst into laughter.
"Why are you laughing? We cannot both miss the meeting!" He sounded extremely serious, but she couldn't help herself. She kept laughing, not sure as to why. This was something Sirius would've found so funny and it healed the slight sadness she had felt at seeing him fall into the veil again.
"I don't know! I just think it's rather funny." She shrugged, unable to express why. "I ought to go, then. There are more reasons for you to miss a meeting than for me." He didn't say anything, but continued to look at her. "What?"
"Nothing," he said quickly. "You're just rather odd."
"Why do you say that?"
"You laugh about the most trivial things. You're like a child." She smiled at him and shrugged again.
"But that's why you like me, right?" He didn't say anything and she nudged him in the rib gently. "Come on, admit it. You enjoy my childish nature. It lightens up the darkness in your life." Her voice was full sarcasm and she moved in a dramatic fashion and he rolled his eyes.
"Get out," he snapped, going to sit at his desk.
"Very well," she said, bowing in a theatrical fashion. "Farewell, Professor. Until we meet again!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
She had slipped into the meeting later, saying she had a pile of work and the meeting had merely slipped her mind. Dumbledore didn't mind- he was glad she had made it there, even if she was late. But everyone else judged silently, staring at her as though looking for proof that she had been with the only man in the world they thought was unacceptable for her. Perhaps she was imagining it and projecting this view onto them because of what Kingsley had told her. But she knew for a fact that Mad Eye Moody's scrutinizing eyes knew where she had been. It was rather awful, she had to admit. Out of every man in the world, she had to sleeping with the only one she shouldn't be.
Nobody mentioned Severus or her lateness throughout the meeting. They talked of deaths and disappearances and that Remus would be returning rather soon.
At the meeting's close, everyone dispersed. As Gwen was gathering her things, Dumbledore approached her.
"Gwendolyn," he said quietly, so nobody could hear him. "You haven't seen or heard from Severus, have you?"
She didn't want to look him in the eye, but if she did not, he would know immediately that she was lying. But Dumbledore had taught Severus Occlumency, so he himself must be a Legilimens. She looked at him and tried with all her might to build the wall Severus spoke of. "No, Professor. Why?"
"Oh, it isn't a matter of great importance," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "I was merely just curious. Good night, Gwendolyn."
"Good night, Professor."