Chapter 21.
When Beth first woke up, her immediate first thought was that she had missed her flight. In a panic, she grabbed the small clock by her bed, sighing with relief when she saw that she had not and laying back down contentedly when she remembered that her flight was not scheduled until tomorrow. Settling back under the covers, she took in a deep breath, allowing the comfort of her sheets to envelope her in an overwhelming sense of warmth.
It was only then that she remembered another body was laying next to her.
One second later, she remembered that she was naked.
And approximately 0.3 seconds after that, every single moment of last night came back in a flash.
The wedding.
The dancing.
The talking.
The yelling.
The touching.
The kissing.
The …
Oh God, she'd initiated it all. James was bound to kill her. Or Sirius.
Or maybe them both.
There wasn't a way he could know about it already, could he? She didn't know that much about magic. Was it possible to have some sort of tracker on either of them? She could almost imagine the scene now: James would wake up, be notified, kiss Lily on her forehead, and say something noble and gallant like, "I'm off to right the wrongs of the past," and then he would come in with Remus and Peter and just stab them.
At least then she wouldn't have to live with herself. Two days before I'm leaving? she thought. Could I have picked a worse time?
"You know, I can practically hear your mind racing right now."
Beth turned her head. He hadn't even opened his eyes yet. "Can you?"
"It's like the bloody Indy 500."
She crinkled her brow in confusion. "You know about the Indy 500?"
"A bunch of cars drive really fast in circles," he mumbled. "Like the English Derby, but less cultured."
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. At least he seemed unphased by all of this.
Lucky him.
"Did you sleep okay?" he asked, turning onto his side so that he was fully facing her. His eyes remained closed.
"Yeah, until you started snoring." And when I realized what I'd done.
"Oh yes, I meant to warn you about that before you drifted off," he murmured, snuggling deeper into the pillow. "Usually a silencing spell does the trick."
"Did you sleep okay?" she reciprocated.
At that, he finally opened his eyes, and his face looked more relaxed than she'd ever seen it be. "Like an absolute baby," he replied. "Best night's sleep I've gotten in a while."
"Is that a 'bravo' to me, then?"
"Bravo, well done, amazing, bloody fantastic, you can choose whatever word you want."
Whatever word I want, she thought to herself, trying to repress a smile. That has to be a line.
If it was, it sure worked.
"And y… go… too."
Beth tilted her head towards him. "What?"
"'And you were good too,'" he repeated, turning over so that he was resting on his stomach. "I'm supplying you with the appropriate response."
"Not confident enough in your abilities?"
"More like I have a reputation to uphold and maintain."
Beth rolled her eyes. "So here's a question for you," she began, ignoring his response.
"Hit me."
"Did you have electricity at your school, or was it just a bunch of candles floating ominously?"
Sirius gave a deep, throaty laugh. "Is this what's keeping you up at night?"
"Yes, I am very, very concerned about the electricity."
He moved to sit up, and the blanket pooled around his chiseled waist.
Not that Beth cared.
"Watch this," he said. "Accio wand."
Beth gave a small yelp of surprise when the wand immediately appeared in his hand, winning her a small smile.
"Lumos."
And suddenly, the room was filled with light from this small object in his hand. Beth looked around the room in wonder, then back to the wand. "Could I try?"
"Yeah, sure," he nodded. "Sit up."
Shoot, she wasn't wearing a shirt. Clutching the blanket around her chest, she asked, "Can I not do it laying down?"
He smiled at her knowingly and suggestively before accio-ing a shirt and underwear for her, doing the same for himself. "So I'm guessing morning sex is officially off the table?" he asked as he slid on a pair of boxers.
"Sirius—"
"I'm joking, I'm joking."
Sirius was a natural teacher, as it turned out. He was patient and encouraging, and Beth thought that if anyone could help her suddenly realize a gift she never had, it would be him. Over and over again, he coached her on the right way to hold the wand, the right way to say the word, and any other trick he could imagine would help.
Unfortunately, it didn't work.
"Don't worry," he said, putting an arm around her waist and drawing her to lay back against him. "It's nothing you're doing wrong. Magic in this capacity isn't something that can be taught, it's something inherited."
She shrugged, trying to ignore how safe and warm she felt with his arm around her. "It was worth a try, right?"
"Right." He squeezed her arm.
"So wand and everything," Beth nodded her head to the object on the bed. "This is real deal magic."
He nodded. "Wand, spells, charms, transforming into animals, it's all quite real."
"Transforming into animals?"
"Indeed."
"Can you do that?"
"Can I do that?" he scoffed. "Of course I can. But I'm not going to."
"Why not?"
"Because no one will believe you when you say I was an actual animal in bed."
She elbowed him in the gut, and he groaned as he laughed.
"You're a bit of a pig, you know that?"
"Ahh, well I guess you can say that you had an animal in bed, then."
She sighed in slight aggravation, earning a small chuckle from him. She felt his chest rumble and move underneath her, and all at once had an overwhleming urge to never leave. To simply stay there, wrapped up in his arms and leaning against his strong chest, wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. The longer she continued laying there, the more she could begin visualizing what it would be like to stay.
It was a dangerous idea to entertain.
"I should probably start packing," she murmured, not bothering to get up.
"Packing?"
She nodded. "I leave tomorrow."
"Oh," he replied, almost taken back. "That's right."
"Break your heart a little bit, does it?"
"I'd forgotten you were leaving," he replied honestly. "I'd forgotten you didn't live here."
She had too.
He pressed his lips to the top of her head for a long moment, and began stroking her arm with his hand. "Will you answer me something?"
She held her breath. "What's that?"
"If you weren't leaving, if you were here for the rest of your life, would you go out with me again? Say, Tuesday night?"
She knew it was bound to come up. At least she could rest easily knowing it hadn't been her to ask. "Sirius—"
"If we're lucky, we could end up right back here."
Beth moved to sit up beside him. "Sirius."
"Don't you think that'd sound—"
"No."
He paused. "No?"
She shook her head. "No."
He was silent for a moment again before a smile crossed his lips. "Playing hard to get?"
"No," Beth said, wincing slightly when the smile dropped. "I'm saying no."
A silence passed between them again as he took in her response. "May I ask why?"
She sighed. "I think it was the right decision to end things when we did. I think that finding out I'd been lied to that entire time validated that. And then realizing everything else and realizing I still didn't know everything—"
"Beth," he interrupted, "I explained everything yesterday."
"I know."
"I apologized for everything yesterday."
She nodded her head. "I know."
"And yet you would still hold it over me?"
"Just because you apologized doesn't mean that everything's suddenly okay now, Sirius." He got up out of the bed, beginning to collect the rest of his things. She immediately missed his warmth. "Or that I even understand everything," she continued. "It just means I'm a step closer to figuring this all out."
"So yesterday when you were the one who pounced on me—"
"Sirius, I was sad, I was sorry, I missed you, I'm leaving soon—"
He gave out a short, curt laugh that cut her to the core. "So it was a goodbye."
She winced. "If you want to call it that."
He shook his head. "This doesn't make sense to me, Beth. It doesn't make sense at all. How come I'm the one receiving all of the blame for this? Why isn't it Remus, or Lily, or Merlin, James that you're mad at?"
She fingered the blanket absentmindedly, refusing to look him in the eye. "I don't know, Sirius."
They stayed there like that for a long time, him standing, her sitting, both too fully aware of how messy this situation had turned out to be. She knew he was thinking the same thing she was. Was it all worth it?
She didn't know what his answer would be.
She didn't know what her answer would be.
"You cannot continue piling all of the blame on my shoulders," Sirius said in such a calm voice that she found her eyes darting up to his. "It is not my fault I was born into a different world than you. It is not my fault James didn't tell you earlier. And it is not my fault that I wanted to protect you." He took a small step towards her, and Beth saw pain cross his features. "But you know what especially isn't my fault? It is not my fault that you can't accept any of that. Move on, Beth."
"I will, and so will you. Which is why I said no." She stood up and faced him, looking at him directly for the first time all morning. "Even entertaining the idea of this all being swept under the rug and everything getting better is dangerous. I think the best thing to do is to just chalk this up to a one time thing and forget it ever happened. I'm sorry, Sirius. I really am." One more step, and visions of last night's argument plagued her thoughts. "But it's not my fault that you thought it could all be cleared up in one night."
They stood there, sizing each other up, both daring the other to respond with anger, with hate, with lust. But they did not move. Beth knew that in this moment, they were completely clearing the slate. There was no going back to everything being normal, there was no way to pretend that nothing had happened. For as long as she would ever know him, she knew that this moment was going to be present for the rest of their relationship. Everything had changed. This was their new normal.
A moment longer, and then, "Goodbye, Beth."
"You have everything, right?"
"I'm fine, James," she said, throwing her bag over her shoulder. "Remus came over yesterday, helped me pack. I've got everything."
"You're sure?"
She flashed him a smile. "I'm fine."
"We got everything covered," Remus clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Prongs."
"Well, I'm worried that if she forgets something that we won't be able to get it to her and—"
"James," Lily said, brushing a kiss against his cheek. "Stop."
They were all standing at her gate at the airport, waiting to see her off. Only a ticket and six hours separated her from home, and as much as she had been looking forward to returning only weeks ago, it suddenly felt all too real. She found that she was not quite ready to say goodbye.
Turning to Remus, she wrapped him up in a long hug. "I'm going to miss you."
"Well, not too much, I hope. We're going to be pen pals after all, right?"
Beth laughed. "Of course," she said, stepping back and giving him a bright smile before turning to hug Peter. "Peter, it was great to meet you."
He returned it happily. "Come visit us again soon."
She turned to Lily next. "Promise me you won't kill him too quickly?" she asked, looking towards James.
"Not a chance," she assured, wrapping her up in a friendly hug. "I'm so happy you could come."
Finally, she stood before her friend. Her dear, close, wonderful friend. "James," she said simply.
"Beth."
With a faltering grin, she enveloped him tightly, holding on to him with an unmatched strength, saddened at how quickly this summer passed and how little time she truly spent with him. So she said the only thing that could rectify everything and express how entirely grateful she was for him.
"I love you."
"I hate to tell you this, but I'm a married man." She laughed, and James hugged her tighter to him. "I love you, too. And next time I'll come and visit, okay?"
"You're a dear," she said, kissing his cheek before pulling away.
And all that was left was Sirius.
When he had left yesterday, Beth had sat on the bed for a long, long time. It was true that Remus had come in later in the day and helped her pack, something she was eternally grateful for. He'd guessed immediately what had happened, and instead of lecturing her on bad decisions and threatening to tell James, he'd pulled her out for one last coffee and treated her to Chinese. When they'd gotten back, they'd put on Queen and scream-sang to A Night at the Opera while throwing clothes in bags, and Remus had made her promise to stay in contact with him. Overall, it had been a wonderful end to the day, and surpassed any early morning antics that had occurred.
But then the morning came, and everything came rushing back, and it was two hours before she needed to leave, and everyone was there to have breakfast with her one last time, and Sirius still was not talking with her. And now everyone was at the airport, and all of her bags had been packed and checked, and all of the hugs had been given, and promises were made, and Sirius was still not talking with her.
She'd come to the conclusion that all this had been was a little summer fling. Everyone had suggested it to her when she'd arrived, and even though Sirius had tried to make it seem like a legitimate relationship, asking her to be his girlfriend "for at least two months," all it had been was picnics in trees and dinner with friends and makeout sessions in zoos and fighting and screaming and hurting. It hadn't all been great. Flings usually consituted fun and happiness, didn't they? Certainly not heartbreak. It was supposed to be casual and fun and breezy, and it had ended anything but.
And yet it hadn't all been bad. Hiding in there somewhere, there was good. She might have to search for it, might have to peek and glance into every corner, but there was good. There were smiles, and there was laughter, and somewhere in there was happiness too, and maybe Sirius had rubbed off on her, but she needed to fix it. She wasn't about to lose her friends, both old and new, on account of some botched fling. She needed to fix it.
She wanted to fix it.
"Sirius."
He met her eyes.
"It wasn't a date."
A moment of confusion. A look of understanding. And finally, a flash of peace.
"Keep telling yourself that, darling."
And when she hugged him, she felt him hug her back.
"I'll see you all soon," she promised, grabbing her bag and walking toward the gate.
"Not soon enough," he called out.
Beth met his gaze, shocked by the genuineness of his words.
He maintained it, a soft smile crossing his face.
It was going to be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even the next time she saw him, whenever that'd be, but one day, eventually, it was going to be okay.
And that was enough for her.
Summer 1996
"And then she left."
There was a brief moment of stunned silence before Hermione blurted out, "Is that it?"
Remus reached for his tea, casting a warming spell on the liquid. "Well, it's all of that summer, yes."
"But didn't you say they almost got married?" Harry asked.
"Well, they did almost get married."
"And we're supposed to just assume that through this one summer?"
"Oh, come on, Hermione," Fred teased her. "Where's your romantic spirit?
"Could one summer not make you consider the idea of marriage?" George questioned.
Hermione sighed heavily at the twins. Truth be told, Remus could not remember when they decided to listen to the story too, only that they were now here and were just as intrigued and invested in the story as everyone else. He was almost surprised Arthur hadn't plopped down to listen yet.
"I'm not saying that," Hermione defended. "I'm saying Remus never even mentioned that it was an idea." Shooting him a quick glance, she gave him an apologetic look. "No offense, sir."
Remus waved it off and said, "Well it wasn't an idea, not then."
"So there's more?" Ron asked.
"There'd have to be, right?" Harry continued.
"Yes," Remus said. "There's a bit more to it. "
"You know, if you're going to tell him about her," Molly said from the other side of the room, "then you're going to have to tell him about all the work she did for the Order too."
The five of them froze in their places at her words for a brief moment before errupting into madness, throwing question after question his way. From afar, Molly leaned against the wall, smiling at his attempts to quiet the bunch down.
"Thank you, Molly," he called out, uncaring of how evident the sarcasm in his voice was. "Hadn't considered that yet."
"She was in the Order?" Hermione questioned. "As a muggle?"
Remus smiled. "Did you think Sirius would marry just anybody?"
"Yes, but our Order?" Ron clarified.
"Well, the one at the time, yes."
"As a muggle?"
"Are you insinuating that because she's a muggle she wouldn't be capable of it?" Fred challenged.
"I was not insinuating anything!" Ron turned to his friend, clearly attempting to explain. "Hermione—"
Hermione quickly cut him off. "They're teasing you, Ronald."
"She met the majority of you," Molly offered, starting to move further into the room. "It's possible Bill and Charlie remember her. She met you too, Harry."
Remus nodded. "She wasn't there for your birth, but she moved back shortly after—"
"She moved back here?" Harry asked.
Remus nodded again. "Moved back, went on several missions with us, met the Minister of Magic."
"She what?" Hermione gasped.
"Did you hear about that one, Molly?"
"She met the Minister?"
Remus smiled at Harry, beaming at how much more well-off he appeared to be. In his mind, he could hear Sirius and James reminiscing on details of that day, that winter, that following year.
Merlin, he missed them.
"Like I said, did you think Sirius would marry just anybody?"
A/N: We're back, baby!
I went through the ENTIRE story a couple of weeks ago, added some tweaks and clean-ups, and we are currently looking at FIFTY chapters, including the epilogue. FIFTY. That's a lot of story still left to go! So thank you, thank you, thank you for sticking with me.
Nimblescrivener, a pleasure to work with you, as always. Thank you for all of your advice and input. This story would not be possible without you.
I'd like to try something new: What's a good fic that you've read recently, be it Harry Potter or something else? I went on a very short but very intense Parks and Rec kick recently and read the story "Snapshots Left on the Negative" by Panache. I was crying on my bus route! Let me (and everyone else) know in the reviews!