"And that was it?" Kingsley asked. The sun was up now and the light streaming from the hole in the curtain was brighter. But Kingsley didn't seem tired at all- in fact, he was rather engrossed in the tale she was telling him. "That was the end of it?" He sounded slightly hopeful.
"For a while, it was. I didn't speak to him again for months. But I'm not sure you want to hear all of that. We've been here for quite a while."
"I want to hear it," he said immediately. "I need to."
Gwen looked at him sadly. "Very well. But I think it's important if you know what was going on with Severus at the time, if you want to get the whole story. He told me when we spoke again. A lot happened that summer..."
XXXXXX
Not many knew the outcome of the raid on Hogwarts and could only judge from the look of misery on Draco Malfoy's face what had happened that night.
The door opened and the Dark Lord swept in, his robes billowing behind him, Nagini in tow. He reached the front of the room and stood before his followers.
"Well," he said loudly, shattering the silence abruptly. Draco Malfoy was shaking fervently behind a rather large Death Eater. "I am rather excited." He started to pace slightly. "I have waited many years for this night," he said eagerly, his red eyes flashing. "And I cannot wait any longer. Draco, approach me."
The teenager was sweating slightly and swallowed hard to control his shakes. Those in front of him moved out of the way to allow him to pass. His legs were still shaking slightly as he approached the Dark Lord.
"Kneel, Draco."
Draco's knees buckled. The Dark Lord stood in front of him. Narcissa Malfoy's eyes were tearing slightly from where she stood.
"Draco, is Albus Dumbledore dead?" The Dark Lord asked bluntly.
"Yes, my L-lord."
There was a pregnant pause and the Dark Lord froze and stared at Draco. He suddenly burst into cheering and laughter.
"Have you no joy, my servants?" He shouted. "Dumbledore is dead! We have killed the leader of the Order of the Phoenix!"
The Death Eaters cheered, Bellatrix the loudest, screaming and shooting off sparks from her wand. After a few moments, the Dark Lord silenced the group.
"Very well, very well!" He said, still obviously happy. "Now Draco." The room was still again, in fear for their youngest member.
"Did you kill Albus Dumbledore, Draco?"
There was a pause and Narcissa Malfoy buried her head in her hands, hidden behind another Death Eater.
"N-no, my Lord."
The Dark Lord was still in too good of a mood from hearing the news of Dumbledore's death to punish Draco severely for his failure, so he merely whipped out his wand and sent Draco flying into the wall. Narcissa nearly fainted.
"So then, my Death Eaters. Who is the lucky one who killed Albus Dumbledore?"
"Severus Snape, my Lord!" a Carrow shouted.
Another pause. The Death Eaters around him all slightly averted their eyes to him. He was in the middle of the crowd, hidden from the Dark Lord's sight.
"Well, well, well," The Dark Lord's voice rang throughout the hall. "And where are you tonight, Severus Snape?"
The Death Eater's in front of him moved out of the way quickly, making a path between him and the Dark Lord. Snape did not move, but stayed absolutely silent, his eyes on his master.
"Come, Severus." Snape walked up to the Dark Lord and bowed his head slightly, not saying a word. "Kneel." He did as he was told, kneeling in the place where Draco had been moments before. The boy himself had joined his mother now.
"Severus," the Dark Lord said, his voice soft. Snape's eyes were on the floor. "Did you kill Albus Dumbledore?"
Silence yet again and Severus Snape looked up into Voldemort's crimson orbs.
"Yes, my Lord."
"Rise, Severus." He did so and Voldemort looked at him, almost in awe. He then turned to his Death Eaters. "Finally. After all these years, finally one of you has done what no one ever dared to do." The Dark Lord began to laugh madly. "Oh, Severus, you have conquered an incredible feat! And yet, your fellow Death Eaters do not clap for you." Nobody moved. "They know, my most precious, my most trusted advisor, my-" He glanced in the direction of the Malfoys. "-favorite. They know that you will be rewarded beyond anything you can imagine. You have proved so many of them wrong, Severus. You must know what they say."
"Yes, my Lord," Severus said, looking over the crowd of Death Eaters. "But I ignore them for what they say is irrelevant and untrue."
"Wise thinking, my most faithful," Lord Voldemort said, but he was not really speaking to Severus. He walked among his servants and suddenly pointed his wand at one. "Crucio!" The Death Eater screamed and fell to the floor. "If only everyone here had your wisdom and eagerness to serve." He turned back to Severus. "Name something, anything, and it will be given to you."
"I only wish to serve you," Severus said simply. "I have no desire for any reward."
"But you shall be rewarded! I have a few ideas myself. You shall be treated with the utmost respect from your fellow Death Eaters." He glared at them.
He then walked over to the Malfoys. "As for you, Draco, we shall deal with you later." He looked at the group and dismissed them with a wave of his hand, then vanished.
Narcissa's eyes were full of tears as she turned to Severus Snape and they locked eyes across the room immediately. She approached him and embraced him tightly.
"Thank you," she whispered in his ear. She pulled away and looked at him, holding his hands. "He will not kill Draco. My boy is safe. You deserve every reward the Dark Lord bestows upon you."
"No, Narcissa, I do not. I was merely keeping a vow."
"Please, Severus," she implored, squeezing his hands. "You have done a great thing, for my son and for the Dark Lord. I will repay you one day."
"There is no need-"
"Hush," she said softly. "You will need somewhere to stay, since the Aurors and the Order are no doubt searching for you. There's a room ready for you upstairs. An elf will bring you to it. You can stay here as long as you like."
"I… Thank you, Narcissa." She squeezed his hand and went back to join her son.
The house elf led him to his new room. It was rather large, with a bathroom connected to it. There were new robes in the closet, black, of course, and very similar to the ones he had left behind at the school. The elf informed him that he could summon breakfast in the morning and it would be brought to him. He thanked the elf and sent her away. He locked the door and placed a silencing charm around the room. He placed his wand next to his pillow and removed his boots. He pulled out a small vial from his robes and downed it quickly. He could not be alone with his thoughts.
He collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep immediately.
XXXX
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said rather awkwardly and he looked at her coldly, eyes narrowed. "It's just- there isn't really anybody here who isn't a teenager, incredibly old, or snogging in the corner. Would you mind if I sat with you?"
He hadn't seen his former student since she had graduated. It had to have been six years ago now. She had been a first year his first year teaching. Now, she worked for the Daily Prophet and had obviously not been very successful, since he never read her name in the paper. He didn't really want to be around anyone- his Mark was tingling angrily as it had been for the past few days and it was concerning him greatly. But since Dumbledore would not let him leave the Yule Ball to go sulk downstairs, and perhaps sitting with Gwendolyn O'Shea would make Karkaroff stay away, he said, "No, I don't mind." She smiled sweetly and sat down beside him, putting her purse on the table and smoothing out her navy blue dress. "May I ask why you're here?"
"Rita Skeeter's been banned from the castle," she explained. "So I was sent instead. But there isn't much to write about and I'm not to leave until it's over, so I suppose I'm stuck here for a bit."
"That makes two of us," he muttered and she grinned.
"I take it you don't enjoy parties very much, Professor?"
"You're extremely observant," he snarkily said. She rolled her eyes and looked around the room.
"The Weird Sisters are dreadful, aren't they?" He was about to tell her to go away, but he noticed from the corner of his eye that Karkaroff was waiting for the pretty woman to leave, so he refrained and decided to try and engage in conversation.
"Indeed, dreadful. How long have you worked with the Prophet, Miss O'Shea?"
She seemed slightly surprised that he even cared. "About four years now."
He didn't know what to say next and was rather glad when the song ended and the crowd yelled so loudly nothing else could be heard.
"We're gonna change things up!" A Weird Sister screamed and Severus saw Gwendolyn cringe at the awful, loud noise. "We brought along a guest singer straight from America and she's gonna sing a tune for all you lovebirds out there!" The crowd of teenagers roared as a skinny girl with a blue afro came up to the crowd. A calmer, yet still upbeat tune began to play and the girl started singing:
I never knew love like this before;
Now I'm lonely nevermore,
Since you came into my life…
"This is such a relief to my ears," Gwen said, giving a sigh. Snape was about to respond when Dumbledore and McGonagall hurried over to their table.
"Severus, it's so wonderful to see you being so social!" Dumbledore exclaimed and Snape looked disgusted and offended. Gwendolyn stifled a laugh.
"No, we were just-"
"You two ought to dance!" Minerva said, grabbing each of their hands and bringing them near one another.
"No!" They both said loudly, recoiling their hands back. Minerva gave a knowing glance towards Albus. She then pulled out her wand, and did the motion of a vanishing spell and both Gwen and Snape stood up just as their chairs and table were vanished away.
"Fine, fine! We'll go!" Snape snapped, grabbing his companion's hand and pulling her towards the dance floor, and more importantly, away from Minerva and Dumbledore.
"Are you serious?!" She asked loudly, trying to be heard over the music.
"Of course not, you stupid girl!" He hissed.
"No need for that," she muttered.
They hurried past the dancers and to the entrance hall. They stood in the doorway, leaning against either side. There was no sign of either of the older teachers. "Those meddling old coots ought to just go shag in the Room of Requirement and leave me alone!" Snape said, exasperated.
"Snape!" She exclaimed, laughing a little. "That's awful!"
"It's bloody true and you know it," he said in an annoyed tone. The girl continued to sing sweetly from the stage:
You are my sunlight and my rain,
And time could never change
What we share forevermore...
"I actually like this song," she mused.
"It's bearable."
"And I would definitely dance if I had a more cooperative partner." He raised an eyebrow. This girl was awfully confusing and annoying.
"It's a pity you don't then."
"Indeed."
Hagrid and Madame Maxime stumbled out of the Great Hall, rather violently. "Hello, Gwendolyn! Nice seein' yer here! 'Evenin' to you too, 'fessor Snape." Hagrid greeted.
"Hello, Hagrid," she said with a sweet smile and Snape gave a small nod.
"Hagreed!" Madame Maxime said in awe, pointing above Snape and Gwendolyn. "Your friends are under zee mistleetoe!"
Jesus Christ… The two of them looked up immediately. Of course they were.
"Well, they outta kiss, then!" Hagrid cooed.
"No!" The two of them exclaimed, yet again.
"Ah, c'mon 'fessor Snape!" Hagrid said grinning. "Gwen is a pretty girl!"
"That was never the question," Snape muttered and only Gwendolyn seemed to have heard him. She smirked.
"Do eet!" Madame Maxime shouted and she looked like she was ready to approach them.
"Alright!" He snapped harshly, not wanting to deal with anyone at this blasted gathering anymore. He approached her hurriedly, ready to get it over with and send them away, when he stopped, only a few inches away from her. She smelled so intoxicatingly sweet, like the jasmine flowers he used for potions. He suddenly didn't want to get it over with, but remembered Hagrid and his girlfriend were watching them intently. At least their massive physiques would cover the doorway from any young, prying eyes. "May I?" He said quietly, so only she could hear. She nodded and he kissed her, pulling away immediately. It would've been considered a nice moment, had those two absolute oafs not been standing there, cheering and clapping. They stumbled away as Maxime pulled Hagrid into an unseen corner, possibly to snog him. "Forgive me, I just wanted them to go away," he said, still close to her, looking into her eyes. She gave him a small smile.
"It's fine,'' she murmured. He so desperately wanted to look into her mind and see what she was thinking and feeling, but he made it a rule to never do that. Instead, he tried reading her face, but the twinkle in her eyes was incomprehensible.
"Severus!" Damn it! He stepped away from Gwendolyn and turned to face Igor. "You haven't introduced me to your friend."
"Gwendolyn O'Shea, my former student and writer for The Daily Prophet," he said quickly, trying to think of an excuse to get away from him. "Miss O'Shea, this is Igor Karkaroff. I'm sure you've heard of him."
"The Headmaster of Durmstrang, of course," she said, smiling sweetly. She shook his hand.
"Delighted, Miss O'Shea." Karkaroff said, giving her a disgusting smile. Snape suddenly felt defensive, not wanting this repulsive man around her. But before he could think of a way to get them away from him… "Severus, may I have a word? Outside, perhaps?" He mentally sighed. Not again.
"Of course," he said, trying to sound less annoyed than he already was. He turned to Gwendolyn. "Forgive me." She nodded and he and Karkaroff walked away from Gwendolyn and the mistletoe. It was better off this way, anyway. That girl was so annoying.
XXXX
"I couldn't help noticing how much time Gwendolyn O'Shea is spending at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said nonchalantly. Severus mentally scowled as he sat across the desk from him. He had known Dumbledore would be asking about this soon enough. He did not respond. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?"
"Why should I?" The Potions Master countered.
"You always seem to be quite informed about the going ons of Order members and Death Eaters alike."
"Well, I'm afraid I have no information on this matter." He stood up to leave.
For fifteen years, Dumbledore had been the only person in his life who knew the truth. The truth about everything. And while his Slytherin sensibilities always made him slightly wary of the old man, they had become close as the years went by. Perhaps when Harry Potter had joined the school and Dumbledore continuously allowed the arrogant brat to get away with anything and everything the tensions did get higher, but it was merely irksome and inconvenient. Severus was very good at handling the irksome and inconvenient. And it would never change how much Severus had confided in the old man, how much the Headmaster truly tried to give Severus a new start, a life on the "light side". A job and a sense of protection from the law his fellow Death Eaters would never feel. There had been a season of time when Dumbledore would urge Severus to meet a woman, to move on from Lily Evans, though Severus hadn't been interested in anything more than a one night stand. But while he found it annoying, it was endearing how the Headmaster had tried to give him a normal life in every way.
Then the Mark started to grow darker on his arm and the war broke out. Normalcy was gone and it was the time they had always planned for- a final war to defeat the Dark Lord once and for all. And every other week, Severus would risk his life and go to the Dark Lord, always wondering if this would be the night he would be exposed as a traitor and tortured mercilessly to death. And then he would drag himself back to Dumbledore and be forced to relive the night's horrors once more.
But then, when Severus thought it could be no worse, Dumbledore had asked Severus to kill him. For the greater good and to spare the soul of Draco Malfoy. Severus cared for Draco and didn't want to see him become a murderer so young, as Severus himself had. But to kill Albus? He didn't think he could do it. It would destroy his soul, he was sure.
But he never disobeyed Albus Dumbledore.
And as he prepared to murder the closest thing he had once had to a mentor in his life, in came Gwendolyn O'Shea, a very willing and very enjoyable distraction. She was witty and exciting and knew how dire it was to not tell a soul that they were sleeping together. A perfect understanding. But he knew Dumbledore felt his days of being involved with women, in any way, were done. Spies needed to have as few attachments as possible. And of course, Dumbledore knew who was in his castle. Still, Severus never brought it up. He had distanced himself from the old man since he learned of his new assignment. It was too much to bear.
"It just so happens that she has been spending this extra time in the dungeons, Severus. You don't know anything about that?"
"Perhaps-" Severus said softly. "-you ought to ask the woman in question. I'm sure she would be more than willing to give you an answer. Good night, Headmaster."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"I've always loved the stars," she breathed. "If I hadn't been so focused on being a reporter, I would've taken Astronomy all seven years."
"I was never fond of the particulars," he said softly. "Someone I once knew said stars are made of the purest of magic."
"That's rather profound," she said smiling at the diamonds in the clear night. "But maybe they were right."
"Perhaps." They were eleven years old when Lily had said that and he had never forgotten it. He genuinely believed she was right- there was something in the stars beyond any magic he knew and he knew quite a bit. Thinking about Lily made him feel rather depressed. He had come to terms with the fact that he no longer loved her over the summer, but it left a gaping hole inside of him. He had been living in her memory for so long.
Finally he returned to reality. "What are you doing here?"
"I'd been on duty since seven," she explained. "I just got off and I wanted to see the stars." He knew exactly what she was doing. She was searching for answers and comfort in the stars. He often did that himself. He glanced over at her briefly. The wind was whipping her short, curly, brown locks back and the moon illuminated her face.
"And did you find what you were looking for?"
"Not really," she said softly, looking back at the stars. There was a streak of light across the sky. "Make a wish."
"Wishes are futile, Gwendolyn."
"Make one anyway."
He didn't make one.
XXXXXXX
When Remus Lupin became a spy for the werewolves, Severus felt slightly jealous, especially because the entire Order was always discussing how much danger poor Remus was in. Severus was the Order's spy- they didn't need another one. And nobody cared about him being in danger. But then he would remind himself that he was indispensable and Lupin was not.
Lupin was putting on a record and Snape rolled his eyes. The stupid werewolf was trying to "lighten up the mood" while people were dying outside the door. Severus leaned against the wall, bored. He hadn't meant to accidentally arrive so early.
The door was flung open and she came in and began to laugh. The happiness was shining in the bright blue eyes. "Remus!" She exclaimed, hanging up her cloak. Lupin was dancing with himself in the middle of the sitting room, looking like an idiot. "You're back!"
Lupin hurried over to her and grabbed her hand and twirled her around. "Hello, Gwendolyn!" He said cheerfully. "May I have this dance?" He bowed overdramatically.
"Of course you may!" She replied. They laughed and began to dance together.
Lupin grabbing Gwendolyn's waist made him feel jealous and he couldn't understand why. He and Gwendolyn weren't together- they were just having sex, like two mature adults. No strings attached. But as he continued watching her dance and laugh, he felt himself wanting to be near her. Maybe he didn't want to make a spectacle out of himself with her like Lupin, but...
She fluttered away from Lupin over to Tonks and began speaking to the miserable looking woman. It seemed Severus wasn't the only one who was jealous of the little dancing scene.
But then Gwendolyn danced back over to Remus Lupin. Everyone was clapping at the song's end and Dumbledore started complimenting everyone on their dancing skills, saying they ought to have a real party soon. Gwen finally noticed Snape leaning against the wall and gave him a small smile, which he did not return.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He had a rather revolutionary process of self-discovery in the week between New Year's and his birthday.
At the Hogwarts New Year's Eve party that Slughorn threw for the staff, everyone was drinking and talking and laughing, but he could not say a word. Not that he would usually partake in their buffoonery, but he couldn't even give a snide remark. All he could think about was how Bill Weasley and Gwendolyn O'Shea were both at the Weasley New Year's celebration, getting drunk, while Fleur was in France visiting her family. He knew it was going to happen.
But it surprised him how much he cared about her. For the past week, since he had confronted her and asked if she had slept with Weasley, he had desperately tried to push her out of his mind. But he couldn't. If he used Occlumency all day, she would appear in his dreams. If he took Dreamless Sleep- which barely worked for him anymore- his mind would be weak and she would dance around in his thoughts all day. He cared for her, he missed her, and he wanted her. Not just for the sex, but for her companionship. Still, he found himself more upset than he could justify over her sleeping with Bill Weasley. He knew he had no right to be upset. Gwendolyn wasn't his girlfriend. They had never been monogamous or even spoken about ever becoming so.
Conflicted, he tried to forget about her again. She wasn't worth it, he thought as he sat down for breakfast in the Great Hall.
An owl dropped a note on his plate. He opened the note and smiled slightly. Hm. Maybe she was.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Severus woke up, immediately feeling the hangover. He reached his arm out across the mattress to touch her, but she was not there. He opened his eyes and hissed in agony at the bright light coming in from the window. Shielding his eyes, he glanced at the clock, which read eleven. He was nearly ready to panic when he remembered it was Saturday. He laid back down, then wondered where she was. He noticed the bathroom door was open and the light was on, and he heard her singing, faintly.
He loved her. Dear Merlin, he didn't want to love her. But he knew on New Year's Eve that his feelings for her went beyond friendship. Maybe he didn't love her. Maybe he just cared for her greatly. Perhaps he didn't even know what love was.
Last night, after they were together, he was staring at the ceiling. But he kept glancing over at her sleeping figure and wondered what would happen if they slept together. Really slept together. So he rolled over and held her and she didn't object. She had molded herself into his arms and he slept better that night than he had in quite some time.
The sun beamed down across the room in a heavenly glow and she continued to sing the Muggle love song softly from the bathroom. He wondered if she thought about him when she sang it.
Or Bill Weasley.
He walked across the room to the bathroom and leaned against the doorway. She was using her wand to tame the short curly locks of hair. She noticed him from the mirror and smiled. "Well, good morning! I was just about to go check if you were dead."
"What are you doing?" he asked softly.
"I'm doing my hair," she said, finishing the final strand. She put her wand down and turned to face him.
"I've never seen you do that." He grabbed her by the waist and put his head on her shoulder. It ached terribly and he wondered how she was so cheery. She chuckled at him.
"That's because you're usually gone by the time I get to do it," she said sweetly.
He raised his head and looked her over. "You're dressed."
"You're a genius," she said sarcastically.
"Where are you going?"
"Why so many questions!" she exclaimed, going back to the bedroom to gather her things. "I have to work today." She grabbed her purse and put her jacket on.
"There's an Order meeting tonight, at the Burrow," he reminded her. She was looking for her hat.
"Yeah, I know," she muttered distractedly. "Ah!" She found it under the bed and put it on her head. "Well, it was nice knowing you." She stuck out her hand for him to shake and he rolled his eyes.
"I'll walk you out," he said, trying to sound like he was doing it out of fake politeness.
"Someone's being rather nice to me today."
"You let me shag you, so I'll walk you out." She laughed. He loved her laugh.
They reached the front door and she grabbed his hand and smiled at him. "I hope you had a nice birthday."
He shrugged at her and she rolled her eyes and smiled and then she slipped out of Grimmauld Place. He was lucky to have her.
But Bill Weasley had her heart, and Severus Snape was determined to win it.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
There was a knock at his chamber door and Severus knew immediately who it was. He waved his wand and the door flung open. "Good evening, Severus," Dumbledore greeted. Snape did not look up from his book and muttered a greeting. "May I join you?"
"If you insist." Dumbledore closed the door and sat on the opposite end of the sofa.
"Severus, it's a bit rude to ignore one's guest." Snape put the book down abruptly and glared at Dumbledore.
"I did not invite you, therefore you are not my guest."
"But you often come to my office unannounced and I always give you my fullest attention." His blue eyes twinkled and Severus sighed and put his book on the end table. "You missed the Order meeting tonight."
"Forgive me, it slipped my mind. Once I noticed, it was too late." It wasn't a lie, so Severus felt no guilt in saying it. Dumbledore nodded understandingly.
"It's quite funny you say that," Dumbledore said. "For somebody else in our midst forgot as well, except she showed up."
"I've only missed meetings for my duties as spy, Headmaster, I-" Dumbledore held up his hand.
"I apologize Severus, I did not mean to say that I am upset you missed the meeting. However, I just found it… coincidental, that Gwendolyn O'Shea also seemed to have forgotten about today's meeting."
Snape didn't respond. Even if there had been no connection, he would not have responded.
"Do you know what else is curious?"
"You're sounding like the Dark Lord, Headmaster," Severus muttered, sick of the mind games everyone enjoyed playing with him.
"I'm sorry, Severus. I really don't know how to approach this… But I have to ask you this…"
Snape said nothing. "You seem to have been getting rather friendly with Gwendolyn and I wanted to know what is happening."
"How is this any business of yours?" Snape snapped, standing up.
Dumbledore looked up at him, eyes still kind. "Do not be so defensive, my dear boy, but I need to know. You are my most valuable asset. I give a very great deal of privy information to you and I would like to know it is staying where I have placed it."
"She knows nothing," Snape said, his eyes on the roaring fire.
"Gwendolyn is a lovely girl, Severus."
"I know."
"So you are… involved? I have noticed she has been spending an extensive amount of time here, if you recall."
Snape looked at Dumbledore. "You've known since September. You just haven't truly brought it to my attention."
"You're like a son, Severus. It's rather odd for me to ask you such a question."
"Am I a son or an asset?" Snape muttered. Dumbledore stayed quiet for a moment.
"You've been so cold with me, my dear-"
"How can I be otherwise?" Snape snapped, raising his voice slightly. "I am to kill you! You have asked me to do the unthinkable and I..." He faded off and looked away at the fire. "You did not come here to ask about us. You came to ask about Gwendolyn."
Dumbledore sighed sadly. "How long, Severus?" he asked wearily.
"We slept together on my birthday two years ago. Nothing happened of the sort again until September. We've been sleeping together ever since…"
But it had been so much more than just sex this past month. And Dumbledore seemed to know it.
"But then something changed, didn't it?" Snape didn't know what to say. "She's a wonderful girl, Severus."
"She loves Bill Weasley," Snape muttered with disdain. "Or, she did. I don't know."
"Do you love her?"
It felt awkward. Snape and Dumbledore had not discussed Snape's romantic life since, well, Lily.
And that was fourteen years ago. A very different time.
"I… do not know."
"You were here tonight?"
"We lost track of time… then she realized and she started laughing. She thought it was the funniest thing." He noticed Dumbledore smiling at him and Snape scowled. Suddenly, his face softened and he sat down again on the couch. "I do care for her," he said softly.
"I figured as much."
Snape paused and he couldn't find the words to say what he wanted. "What is it, my boy?' Snape looked at him. It was now or never.
"I want to tell her."
"What?"
"About our plan! When the time comes, and I… you are gone, I want her to know. I want her to know I have not betrayed her." Dumbledore seemed bewildered.
"Severus, that cannot happen!" Severus knew that was what he would say. Even after all that nonsense about Gwendolyn being a wonderful girl. Fucking Dumbledore. "Listen to me, Severus. Look at me." Severus's black eyes looked into the Headmaster's. "I want your happiness very greatly. Gwendolyn is a wonderful girl." Oh good, say it again. "But she cannot know. Her knowing would not only risk our plan, but risk her life. If Voldemort even guesses, and Gwendolyn knows, he could merely look into her eyes and you would be discovered. She would be killed and the war would be over."
"She's learning Occlumency, I've been teaching her-" He tried.
"But it is not enough, Severus. You know that." Snape looked away from him. "If Gwendolyn truly loves you, she will have faith in you."
Snape stood up abruptly and walked over to the fire again. "I think it's time for you to go."
"Severus, you must understand, there is no other way."
"I know." Snape looked at him. "I have spent so many nights trying to find a way out and there is none. You are right, Headmaster, and I was foolish to ask. But I need to be alone now. You must allow me that."
Dumbledore looked sadly at his spy, and without another word, left him alone in the darkness of the dungeons.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
She barreled through the door, slamming it behind her, and nearly bumped into him standing on the porch. "Oh," she said softly. "Sorry about that. Have you seen a ring? The one I wear all the time- it's small and silver and-" He opened his hand in front of her and in his palm was her ring. "Oh my God! Where did you find it?" She exclaimed, nearly laughing, looking overjoyed. He smiled slightly, for only a moment. She was lovely when she was excited. She grabbed the ring and put it on her finger.
"I had it."
"I put it on this morning," she countered, sounding confused. "I remember having it on at work."
"You did," he said plainly. "I took it during the meeting."
She blinked. "Wha- why?"
"To get your attention, so you would come outside." He said stupidly, suddenly feeling slightly guilty for acting like such a child.
But he had never… been with a woman for months and months on end. Spies didn't have relationships, or whatever this was. And he had lashed out on her- for something so ridiculously small- and he was afraid she was fed up and done with him. So… he stole her ring so she would come find it.
Oh, he was a fool.
"Why? Is something wrong?"
He had never felt so uncomfortable. "I didn't know if you would come tonight or if you wanted to come back at all… But I realized that the alarm only turns off when the wand's owner uses the wand, so nobody can sabotage another. It was my fault. Forgive me, I hope you didn't get in much trouble with your superiors. And forgive me for yelling, you didn't know about my wand. Nobody can use it, I don't know why."
She blinked. "Why wouldn't I come back at all? Because we had a row?" He didn't say anything. He had never been good at dealing with rows. "Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate it." Her words melted the discomfort in his shoulders and he simply nodded, not wanting to show how truly relieved he felt. "I know how you can make it up to me," she said slyly, raising her eyebrows slightly. He smirked.
"Indeed? Then I expect I'll be seeing you tonight."
"I don't know," she countered. "I'm rather tired. Getting yelled at by your superior for being late is cumbersome, as you are probably aware." Snape scowled.
"Indeed. He thoroughly interrogated me about why I woke up late," Severus said with a scowl, remembering what Dumbledore had said this morning. He knew it had to do with Gwendolyn and was going off about how if she affected his duties at Hogwarts, she would affect his spy work too. "He's… suspicious."
"There are a lot of rumors going around about us. Kingsley and I went to dinner the other night and he let me know." Dinner? With Shacklebolt? Oh good. "I think we need to be a bit more careful-"
The door burst open and Minerva came out into the snow. Perfect.
"Oh! I'm so sorry to interrupt!" She exclaimed with a smile. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright, Gwendolyn, you were gone quite a while."
"You didn't interrupt anything," Gwen said quickly, almost harshly. She held up the ring. "Snape here found it." His surname sounded strange in her mouth.
"Excellent, Severus, how good of you to help your friend. And I'm very glad to see you've decided to stay for dinner!" She said politely with a smile. Severus felt his heart drop in horror.
"I was just leaving."
"Nonsense, you ought to stay. You're here anyway!"
"Why is everyone gathered by the door?' They heard Mrs. Weasley shout, coming towards the group. Fuck. "Oh! Severus, are you eating with us? You're much too skinny, you must stay!" He internally sighed. He truly hated being rude to Mrs. Weasley. He felt trapped.
"Fine," he muttered and she beamed.
"Well then, in the kitchen! Both of you!"
The harsh brightness of the kitchen hurt his eyes. Snape thanked Merlin silently for the absence of Mad Eye Moody as he and Gwendolyn entered the kitchen.
"Wotcher, Gwen," Nymphadora Tonks said, her voice rather monotone. "Wotcher, Snape." She didn't look at him.
"Wotcher," Gwen said kindly. Severus said nothing. Most of the people at the table looked at him coldly or didn't look at him at all. His eyes met Bill Weasley's. Fuck Bill Weasley.
"Good evening, Gwen. Severus," Kingsley nodded. Shacklebolt. Always so polite. Too polite.
"Sit down," Arthur said warmly and they did. Severus looked at a blank spot at the wall as Mrs. Weasley served dinner. He then became seriously engrossed in his food as the table was filled with Order talk that soon turned into a very odd conversion about love and marriage that he half listened to. He glanced at Gwendolyn slightly when Minerva had mentioned sex meaning a desire to have children. The table exploded into laughter and exasperation at the mention of Mundungus Fletcher as any kind of suitable partner.
"I'd say you single men are very lucky!" Molly huffed. "Gwendolyn is a beautiful girl. For the only single young woman in the Order, she isn't a bad catch at all." Severus almost smirked to himself. Indeed, she wasn't.
"Alright, Gwennie, you're the minority here so you get the say," Fred said with a grin. "Pick one of the fine eligible bachelors at this table." Severus almost choked on his food.
"You and George, of course," she said coolly without skipping a beat. "I'm rather greedy and I can't stay put with one man for long." A few people laughed, "Gwendolyn!", Molly chastised, and Severus smirked.
And it was then he realized something. She could have her pick of men from the Order, yet she chose him. He knew Black would have made his move, had he not been killed. Kingsley Shacklebolt was practically undressing her with his eyes. Bill Weasley would sneak away from his fiancée in a second to be with her. But he was the one she came to see every evening, who had her in his chambers every night. And even at such a dark point in the war, even at this table where very few trusted or respected him, he felt quite lucky.
XXXXX
"I spoke with Tonks after you left yesterday," she said, her head resting on his chest.
"And what did she have to say?"
"Well, she was talking about you."
"You ought not to be surprised," he said softly and he started stroking her hair again. He knew it calmed her down. "She knows that we slept together before, she's obviously suspicious, especially after Minerva's foolish comments and us appearing at dinner together." He scowled at the thought. Minerva knew, damn it! Whether or not she would tell anyone was a different matter.
"Deny, deny, deny," she muttered.
"Precisely."
"Well, she brought up something I found rather odd." He didn't say anything. "She said you made an Unbreakable Vow."
He immediately withdrew his hand from her hair. Fuck. How had Tonks heard about that? How had anyone in the Order heard about that? He had only spoken of it at Spinner's End, where it happened, in Dumbledore's office, and…. In the hallway with Draco the night of Slughorn's party. So Potter had overheard. Wonderful. And of course, the entire Order of the Phoenix always rallied along with whatever the sixteen year old boy wonder said. He looked at the woman beside him, who had just questioned him for the very first time. Not unlike her Order friends often did.
"Do you not trust me?" He asked.
"Of course I do!" She said immediately, sitting up and looking at him, her eyes beaming intently. "I just wondered why… you never told me." She looked away for a moment, obviously slightly hurt. He yearned for a world where he could tell her everything.
"Gwendolyn, honestly, when do I ever tell you about my dealings with the Death Eaters?"
"Not often," she admitted.
"And how often do I give reports to the Order anymore?"
"Even less often."
"My position and work with the Death Eaters has come to a point where I can only tell Dumbledore and Dumbledore alone of what occurs," he said, closing the newspaper and putting it on the bedside table. "Despite our arrangement, I cannot divulge any information."
"But was there a Vow?" She persisted. He was staring into her eyes, eyes that needed to know. Eyes that trusted him but had trusted others that had let her down. It broke his heart to think that he would let her down soon too. But right now, today, he didn't have to. He could tell her what she wanted to know. So he nodded and she said nothing else, asked no more questions, but laid back down with her head on his chest, and wrapped her hand up in his own. He felt himself relax and stroking her hair again with his free hand.
Hours later, when she decided to get dressed and go home, she said, "I'm sorry if what they were saying yesterday made you uncomfortable." He raised an eyebrow. "About me getting engaged and what not."
"It didn't," he said honestly. "If you ever desire for a relationship of more… substance with someone else, you're at perfect liberty to go pursue one." He didn't like it, but it was true. He had no right to tie her down. She nodded slowly.
"The same goes for you, of course," she said, putting her shoes on.
"I won't."
"You don't know that."
"I do. Spies don't get married. This arrangement is risky enough in itself."
"I suppose we can just do this forever, then," she said casually, with a teasing smirk. The word "forever" hurt. In mere weeks, this would be long gone. She had no idea. Playing into her fantasy of any kind of forever would do her more harm than good.
"Probably not," he said, almost cruelly, not looking at her, not able to. "I'm supposed to give Potter detention tomorrow night, so perhaps don't come till the night after."
There was a pause. "I'll see," she eventually said, rather harshly. He said nothing, but disappeared into the bathroom. He placed a Silencing Charm over the room and leaned against the door, waiting to hear her go.
XXXXX
He slammed the bathroom door home and fell to the floor. Quickly, he pulled out his wand and locked the door and put a silencing charm over the room. He didn't want her to hear.
He lay on the floor for a moment, trying to regain some energy and control. It was humiliating that she had seen him like this- he had completely forgotten that she was there that night. But usually she was fast asleep when he came back.
He pushed himself up and vomited into the toilet. It drained him again and he was back on the floor, breathing heavily. He hated this pain, this torture, this damned war! He was still shaking violently from the Cruciatus and he wanted to sob.
He slowly started to undress and noticed all of the gashes on his body. He was bleeding quite a bit from that arm wound, so he would address it first. Healing spells had never been his specialty, but they were necessary.
The Dark Lord had been cruel tonight. He wanted Severus to scream. Severus was a proud man and he would not. The Dark Lord tortured him and hit him with spell after spell until a small sound escaped from Severus's lips. Only then did he let him go.
The Dark Lord's favorite indeed.
He finally finished closing up the wounds and gathered enough strength to go in the shower. When he got out, he sighed at the disarray. There was blood and dirt on the floor and his clothes were everywhere. He was tempted to do a cleaning spell, but... He could do it later.
He emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but the black pajama pants Gwen had brought him. His eyes widened upon seeing her lying in the bed. Didn't she realize he was in no state to have sex with her? "What are you still doing here?" he asked roughly.
"Was I supposed to leave?" she asked, a bit taken aback.
"I can't… we can't meet tonight, Gwendolyn," he muttered, limping over to the bed. He half expected her to get up and leave once she realized. But she didn't.
"I know."
"Then why are you here?"
"I'm not allowed to stay?"
"I don't see why you would want to," he mumbled, but she did not respond. Why did she do this? Why did she pretend she cared about him? Why did she make him feel this way? He made it to his side of the bed and noticed she was staring at him, her big blue eyes looking sad.
"Does this happen every time?" she asked quietly. She sounded like she was about to cry. He wanted to comfort her, but he had never been a nurturing, comforting type of person.
He lied down beside her. "Often enough."
"But I thought you were his favorite!"
"The Dark Lord believes everyone ought to be… reminded of their place in the grand scheme of things," he said bitterly, staring at the ceiling. She didn't respond and he suddenly felt the urge to sob that he had felt in the bathroom. Nothing was fair. "It's getting more difficult," he whispered, his eyes glued to the ceiling.
"How?"
"If only I could tell you." He would not look at her. If he did, he would break down. He had lost everything and everyone he ever cared for in this war and she was next up on the list, even though she didn't know.
"Why does Dumbledore make you go?" She sounded like a small child.
"Because it's necessary." His voice was filling up with emotion. The wall was coming down. He tried to stand strong, but it was too hard and she was too lovely and he trusted her too much. "Because if I don't go, we won't win."
"Well," she said quietly. "Then thank you."
Now he looked at her, mildly confused by her words. Nobody ever thanked him. He wasn't quite sure how to respond, so he nodded slightly and then looked back up at the ceiling.
She moved closer to him and started to stroke his hair. "Why are you doing that?" he snapped.
"When people stroke my hair, it calms me down," she said with a shrug.
"You have lots of people stroking your hair, then?"
She laughed. "I'm afraid not."
"Good."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He ran down the tower stairs, trying to stay numb and controlled and focused, making sure Draco was with him. "It's over, time to go!" He shouted over the noise. He emerged from the dust cloud into the hallway and there was Gwendolyn, looking at him, confused. She was on the floor, kneeling over Bill Weasley.
And he strode past.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He woke up in a sweat, grasping for her on the other side of the bed. But she was not there and she would never be there again. It was at that moment that he felt everything shatter.
Dumbledore was dead. He had killed Dumbledore. The last thing Dumbledore saw was his face. Gwen hated him and Dumbledore was dead.
He had no one.