Chapter 18: A Shaken Faith Over Troubled Waters

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"The future is not a river to carry us. It is the ocean in which we drown, if we are not prepared." ―Valkorion

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The fulcrum upon which the fate of the galaxy balanced was like an elusive glass. Was it a single point? Or many encompassing the whole of that point, one unaware of the other, fighting for and maintaining that balance? If one failed, would the others also tumble? The galaxy would become an unbalanced void.

What do you do when faced with the unknown?

The mind could be a fragile thing, especially when faced with a truth contradictory to an established belief.

Truth. Should it be sought and understood even if obtaining that truth meant the topple of stability? But was that stability even truly stable? What was stability? Falsehood.

What was known to be correct and true was perhaps a deceptive illusion for those caught within the master's guise, meant to ensure a false measure of strength and peace for those within the comfortable bubble, when in truth, that bubble was tumbling down a precipice of jagged rock toward horrific destruction.

What was loyalty… truly?

Such was the trouble that faced Commodore Faro.

Aboard the Chimaera, Thrawn's office was cold. It was left untouched except for the removal of battle's carnage. Pristine, were one not aware of the events of the past day, Grand Admiral Thrawn would be expected to be seated at his desk upon entering.

It was an eerie sight for Faro, for it offered a warning of how quickly someone could be replaced in the Empire, regardless of stature, and… regardless of the replacement. A warning it was of how quickly fate could change even for those seen as a pinnacle of strength and endurance.

The office felt like a hollow echo.

Faro sat at what was now her office desk with wide, unfocused eyes as she listened to a partially broken audio recording. She was amid mental conflict as the playback was breaking the final strings of that which she once knew as truth. As loyalty.

Since returning from the medical bay, Commodore Faro had been sifting through a trail of Thrawn's records, contrary to Chief Medical Officer Zahara Cody's order for rest. But her mind was restless, and it was enthralling to discover once again, first hand, that most of Thrawn's art collection was integral to his research.

She knew the art assisted him in many ways, but Faro had never been able to analyze the collection by herself and at her own pace. It made for an enthralling exploration of diverse cultures of the galaxy contained within a beautifully vibrant tapestry.

So much history, so much art, was contained within the collection, the histories of which Faro had not been taught or made aware of during her Imperial education. Faro couldn't comprehend everything however, as much of Thrawn's notes were in what she assumed to be his Chiss language.

She giggled at times when she imagined Thrawn hastily writing those notes, trying to keep up with his thoughts. He had to manually draw and write the characters on a tablet or his desk, as those of his alphabet were foreign. Alien. His handwriting was precise, but it ebbed and flowed beautifully on the page.

It was surprising to Faro that Thrawn never input the characters or a knowledge of his language into the Imperial database. Manually writing everything must have been slow and tedious. But it was the perfect encryption she realized.

With his absence, the knowledge on those pages was lost, and the thought saddened Faro. She felt as if she could hear the echo of his voice if she stared at the writing long enough. In her curiosity, she found a method to everything archived that spoke of his pure admiration for his art collection beyond its material and strategic value. Her search became a process of healing in a way. It was like she still had a piece of him; she didn't fully lose him.

Even though he was gone, she still felt as if she were invading his privacy and hoped to remain respectful, but she couldn't deny the ease with which the information unlocked for her. It was almost as if Thrawn wanted Faro to find his research in his absence, as much of the information decrypted once she input her own authorizations.

Faro's anxiety returned with dread though as she found the recording that currently held her wide-eyed attention. Pained crimson eyes flashed back to the forefront of her memory, and Faro felt once again his weak squeeze echoed in the palm of her hand.

Her anxiety had spiked after she realized the timestamp of the data and had immediately moved to play it. Thrawn received a highly encrypted transmission dated only hours before Vader's attack. A transmission that was additionally timestamped to occur not even a standard hour before Thrawn's personal change-of-command holo-message was recorded and prepared for her.

"Regardless of the finality of whatever fate has befallen me, I am otherwise unable to perform my duties as Grand Admiral aboard the Chimaera."

Now here she sat, shattered and struggling to maintain an internal balance.

A young man's voice emitted from the archived transmission. It was measured with an unusually familiar accent, but a slight wobble every other syllable betrayed a deeper river of emotion.

"We are on route as we speak, sir, but…" His voice trailed off, shaky and hesitant.

"What communications have you received from the planet?" Thrawn said slowly and heavily.

Faro grimaced at hearing Thrawn's voice. Lier. She shivered, and guilt she suspected to not leave her for the rest of her life coursed through her veins.

"None, sir," the young man said breathily. Static began to invade the audio playback. "None, except for the initial distress."

Faro paused the recording and began pressing deeper into the encryption of the transmission. She wanted the holovid to display as well, but she had to slice the encryption further. Her right hand proved troublesome as the bandage upon it prevented swift movement over the console. She felt a tender stretch on the palm, and frustration boiled upon her brow.

The office holo-projector whirled and hummed, and a blue holographic spectre of Thrawn's form appeared across her desk, facing away from her and toward the middle of the room. He stood squared and resolute as always in his crisp Grand Admiral's uniform, his hands clasped behind his back.

Faro steeled herself and continued playback. The transmission remained filled with a slight distortion sometimes but was thankfully clear enough to discern. The link must have been stretched across a great distance Faro thought.

Thrawn held up his right hand, stopping the young man's report. It shook slightly, and Faro's heart tightened as she had never seen him physically display his trouble in such a way. Thrawn turned away slowly, moving as if beyond the point of exhaustion, and placed the hand upon the back of a chair, leaning his weight slightly upon it. It was in fact the same chair that Vader would later slice into molten pieces with his lightsaber.

Faro's eyes became glassy as she was able to watch Thrawn's expression threaten to go beyond the sadness she had previously discerned when on the bridge with him as second-in-command for the last time. Thrawn was unsteady, as if he required the chair to stand. He lowered his head after a moment and closed his crimson eyes, perhaps trying to maintain control and push the troubles of his thoughts away.

"I'm so sorry, sir," the young man continued. Thrawn took a deep breath and shook his head. "The admiral estimates about eight hours before—"

Commodore Faro slapped her desk with her left hand and stopped the recording. Her face blanched as she realized the source of the young man's voice. Thrawn having stepped aside revealed a clear line of sight to the other person in the recording. Her mind couldn't fully reconcile what she understood as truth with what she saw to be the identity of the young man her glistening eyes found standing there in holographic form in the middle of her office.

Faro saw another ghost. There stood Eli Vanto with pained eyes fixated upon Grand Admiral Thrawn.

"How?" she whispered, standing up upon shaky feet.

Faro's heart began to race, and her face contorted into a mixture of sorrowfully hurt confusion and disbelief, as her watery eyes shifted between Grand Admiral Thrawn and Eli Vanto. Thrawn had told her Eli was lost and had been reported as such in a debriefing. Eli was logged in Imperial records as missing in action, presumed dead.

Faro thought Eli was dead.

However, here he was, speaking with Thrawn, obviously not missing. Not dead. Faro saw that Eli wore a different uniform, not of Imperial design, and she didn't recognize the emblem on the shoulder.

Faro felt betrayed. Why the deception? Treason… Why the secrecy? Treason… Why keep the truth from her? Treason…

Why?

Treason.

Thrawn's voice echoed to her memory…

"Vader has grown suspicious of my loyalties; he has, in fact, directly challenged me of it." …

Faro saw her former superior standing there in the hologram, frozen in a rare state of vulnerability, his head bowed, and eyes closed.

His voice echoed again…

"There are evil things in this galaxy Commodore." …

"I held the hope once that this galaxy could be united and confront those threats together in strength." …

The history of service, of loyalty, that Thrawn gave to her and to the rest of the Chimaera, couldn't, shouldn't, be erased so quickly.

Could it? Would Faro allow it?

-.-

A true leader will work to prove worthy of a deeper trust.

But leadership and loyalty are both two-bladed weapons. Each can be twisted from its intended purpose.

-.-

Faro was wrestling with her mind, her Imperial impulses warring with the instincts of her better nature. Thrawn and Eli had to have had a reason for this deception, right? However, she was afraid to discover the purpose. Faro had been steadfast in her belief that Thrawn was not a traitor as Vader had accused, but… She stood now, shaken, as her eyes rested upon perhaps that which was worthy of the accusation.

Even so, amid her hurt confusion, Faro's better nature held a small spark of faith born from Thrawn's legacy.

"My people are dying, Karyn."

Faro took in a hitched breath, and she reached for the console to continue playback. She was afraid and weary about what she would find, but, even so, her trembling hand pressed the button on her console.

"—our arrival," Eli continued. The former Lieutenant Commander of the Empire swallowed hard as his gaze hesitated. Faro saw a crushing sadness and empathy in Eli's stance.

Thrawn rose his gaze forward, looking eerily both at and beyond Commodore Faro at the same time. Unintentionally as a result of the hologram, Faro saw beyond the façade that Thrawn constantly held as a leader and a Grand Admiral of the Empire. There was a vast ocean in the depths of his glowing eyes that contained emotion and echoes of a personal loss. Faro moved to the side, timid in Thrawn's holographic sight. She rubbed her right forearm and found where his gaze rested.

Thrawn was considering the spherical statue that rested upon the pedestal behind where Faro stood and blinked his glistening eyes to the methodical rhythm of his mind. Faro could see his focus shift internally as his pupils dilated, but it only lasted briefly as he squared his shoulders. His voice was muted.

"Was it Grysk?" Thrawn asked, unmoving.

Eli's brow arched up as he pinched his lips. "Yes…," he said, eyes averting in sympathy. "It appears so."

"The fault lies with me."

"No, you can't know that."

"I can, and it does," Thrawn said as he halfway turned back to Eli. He kept his hand on the chair while his other still rested on the small of his back.

With her left hand sliding across the desk surface, Faro slowly followed Thrawn's turn, walking from behind the desk to better observe the holo-recording. Her mind felt numb as she tried to process everything.

Thrawn appeared haunted as he met Eli's gaze again. "Were it not for my words, the Chiss would not now be in open conflict with them. I have disrupted the balance," Thrawn continued.

"There are only reports of a single attack," Eli said.

"No, it is only the beginning." Thrawn placed both hands behind his back again and fully faced Eli now. "How you describe their attack indicates to me a shift from subterfuge and stealing away our children, toward all-out war. They are testing military response. You must be prepared; you must be careful."

"We will be," Eli said offering a sad smile. The smile faded as he softly shook his head at Thrawn. "We could still find her."

Thrawn's shoulders slightly hunched. Faro saw doubt there in her grand admiral. He narrowed his eyes after a moment. "If you do—"

"I'll contact you right away," Eli said nodding.

Faro recognized that Thrawn didn't have hope, as if feeling the truth in his heart already.

"Thank you, Eli," Thrawn said, emotion lacing his voice.

As Faro watched, Thrawn appeared to delve deep inside his mind. The same look would appear upon him during battle at times, usually at the behest of a call to action at the precipice of an impossible decision. Thrawn emerged from it into familiar Imperial rigidity, though his eyes still held the turmoil of his soul.

"Please offer my apologies to Admiral Ar'alani," Thrawn began smoothly. "I cannot yet abandon my mission set forth by the Aristocra. It is too important to the greater conflict…" Thrawn's voice trailed off a moment, as his jaw flexed. He shook his head, looking pained. "…even for my own homeworld."

"I- I understand," Eli said. "And I think Admiral Ar'alani will too, but…"

"Not the Aristocra," Thrawn finished. He averted his gaze and offered a bitter sigh. "Even in fulfilling their orders, I defy them still. It seems they cannot be appeased."

"I would hope they would see—"

"No, Eli, they will not," Thrawn clipped in a rare interruption. There was a flash to his crimson gaze, beyond which anger hung for those who would not see. "They are in conflict, yes?"

Eli hesitated and shyly nodded after a moment of consideration.

"You've been ordered not to tell me," Thrawn said.

Eli's eyes were apologetic. "Yes."

The corners of Thrawn's mouth rose slightly as if proud. Proud that the Aristocra deemed him too important or proud that Eli would stay loyal to their orders even if that meant keeping something from him personally, Faro didn't know. Perhaps both, but there was a hint of pride there surely.

"It's alright, Eli, and it is no matter. I saw the Chiss shuttle myself escape from the Chimaera's engagement with the Grysk. I do understand tensions have escalated in some way."

A Chiss shuttle? Thrawn never mentioned this, Faro thought.

"There is conflict brewing among them," Eli said slowly. "But… Admiral Ar'alani- and others- didn't want to distract you from your mission." His eyes became a bit hopeful despite the pain. "Perhaps this Grysk attack will stop it."

"Stop it?" Thrawn repeated. "It will only make it worse."

Thrawn sighed and looked to the side, staring where once a Twi'lek Kalikori rested. His eyes were haunted in memory. "Our own Clone War," he muttered to himself.

"It's never gotten full scale, but…," Eli said quietly.

"I will accelerate my plans," Thrawn said quickly, re-centering his attention upon his former protégé. "Remember our research? I found the source and suspect it to be a threat, even to the Chiss as a whole regardless of ideology or political affiliation. Once able, I intend to put the Chimaera on course to what I believe is the main worksite."

"You found it?" Eli asked wistfully. "And you think it's a threat?"

"I believe so yes, and I hope to discover its capabilities. I have yet more suspicions but uttering them even over this frequency is too dangerous. I've been preparing a data-drive to be sent to the rendezvous point instead. Rukh should be able to ensure its safe delivery when the time is right." Thrawn's eyes became piercing even through the lowered resolutions of the hologram. "The Aristocra must become aware of the danger emerging here. They must know it is familiar."

"Be careful, sir," Eli said. "This all sounds too risky, even for you, if I may."

"Do not worry about me, Eli," Thrawn said, offering a small smirk, though his eyes didn't match it. "I'll be fine."

By Eli's demeanor, Faro read that Eli knew Thrawn was only trying to reassure him, making the poor boy perhaps even more apprehensive. Thrawn seemed to recognize Eli's leery bearing as well, but it was something Thrawn had to say as a leader even so. Thrawn's head tilted slightly while eyes narrowed knowingly at his former protégé. Thrawn knew and had become resigned long ago to the danger and to the fate this mission set forth by the Chiss Ascendancy and the Aristocra could bring forth to him.

"Some in power never agreed with my mission nor the actions potentially required of me for its success," Thrawn said more quietly, perhaps wanting to be careful with Eli's emotions. "Additionally, you and Admiral Ar'alani must be cautious of your association with me."

"Nonsense," Eli responded, almost looking hurt.

"It may be necessary," Thrawn replied. He considered his thoughts another moment and took a deep breath, as his eyes became glassy again. "If there are any survivors…"

"We'll take care of them. And I'll find her, sir, you have my word."

Thrawn narrowed glistening eyes and nodded. "Thank you for informing me," Thrawn whispered.

Faro noticed Thrawn rub his right wrist with his left thumb, and she was nearly overwhelmed with her own emotion. She rose her bandaged right hand and wiped at her face in a weak attempt to contain the sorrow escaping her eyes. His homeworld attacked by the Grysk? He never mentioned this either. And Thrawn must have had someone dear to him there, Faro thought. The burden he carried when no one else knew…

That would explain the nature of his expression and demeanor she discerned later on the bridge. Their last conversation now carried so much more meaning. This was too much for Faro to comprehend.

Thrawn turned toward the desk and stood staring at the main console a moment. Holding the expression of someone saying goodbye, he turned back halfway and faced Eli.

"Farewell and safe travels, my friend," Thrawn said heavily.

"To you as well, sir," Eli said shakily. Eli looked like he wanted to say so much more but withheld himself. He appeared so small and lonely in his unknown dark uniform.

Thrawn seemed to take in the sight of his friend for a moment longer. His crimson eyes pulsed narrow. "Nan'eo ch'abeiuh," Thrawn said after a moment of quiet. «Never goodbye.»

Eli's expression became a mixture of surprise and sadness, obviously understanding the language and the meaning held within. "Nan'eo ch'abeiuh," Eli repeated back breathily with a whispered and heavy accent.

The tones from his friend made Thrawn's eyes perk briefly with a subtle smile. The phrase from Eli wasn't quite a mirror of the correct pronunciation that Thrawn had produced. To Faro's ears, it was almost as if an additional instrument were needed to produce the correct tones that the vocal chords of human anatomy didn't possess.

But with a final nod, crimson eyes reflected a somber light, Eli's own a mixture of longing sorrow. Thrawn slowly turned back and reached over his desk. With almost a smooth caress, he pressed a button on his center console and ended the transmission with a mellow trill.

Eli Vanto disappeared behind him. Thrawn rose his chin and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes.

The holo-message's blue aura then faded a moment later and left Thrawn's former office dark, and Commodore Faro standing there alone upon shaky knees.

Faro leaned to sit on the desk, gobsmacked at her new revelations. Tears ran hot as a tumultuous array of emotion flowed from her. She breathed quicker and quicker until she was on the verge of hyperventilating.

Fear, sorrow, anger—

Betrayal, shame, guilt, regret—

Loyalty, empathy, confusion—

CHAOS—

She hissed in subtle pain and clasped her right hand. Blood seeped through the bandage, and Faro realized she had been squeezing her hand into a tight fist. The fragile sutures must have broken away from their bonds.

A ping also sounded at the door.

"Karabast…," Faro mumbled. She moaned in pain as she began untying the bandage. She swiped at her face with her forearm and leaned over her desk at the same time scanning its surface. She found her target and punched a button with her elbow. "Yes? Who is it?"

"Major Ayer, ma'am," Ayer said over comm. "You requested to see me?"

"Oh right…," Faro replied. Her voice was going back to strength and emerging beyond her emotion, but not quickly enough to escape Ayer's attention.

"Everything alright, Commodore?" Ayer said with concern.

"Ah yes- yes, Major Ayer," Faro said, grimacing at the blood on the unfurling bandage. "I just- wasn't expecting you so soon. Please, come in Major."

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Author's note: (Hello there!) I hope you're enjoying this story! I wanted to assure everyone that has blessed me by reading this story and commenting and speaking with me, that this entire work has always been planned to its conclusion and has a set ending in mind. The goal as well is to have this complete before Thrawn: Treason's release (and Episode 9 *wink wink*). This is a story I feel in my heart (and flesh and bones ;) ) and I can't wait to share it fully with you all!
**Considering that, after reading this chapter, you might find more nuance to the first couple of chapters. Much love!

This (and most of the next 2 chapters) was written and heavily edited while at Star Wars Celebration Chicago 2019.