In honor of TVD's ten year anniversary I bring you a new chapter, yay! I really hope you like where this story is heading, thanks so much for reading and reviewing, you are awesome and please forgive me for any typos.

Enjoy!

"You wanted to feel alive, right? It doesn't matter if you're monster or human. Living hurts"

-Victoria Schwab-

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She placed the last item of clothing she would need for the 50's party she and Bonnie were attending in her small carry-on bag and fell against the plush comfortable bed of her former childhood bedroom. Nearly two years ago she left her home in order to go live by herself and she still hadn't been able to take all of her things to her new place, a part of her felt like in doing it so she would be saying goodbye to the girl she once was and to all the memories she had of her… the memories she had of him.

Elena groaned and buried her face in the clean-smelling pillow.

Her thoughts always came swirling back to him, no matter what she was doing or where she was, it seemed like Damon was the only thing that occupied her mind, and it had been that way ever since she could remember. Even this morning, when she had finally decided to gather up her courage and end things with Matt, Damon had been the one thought at the back of her mind.

Everything she did was somehow interlaced with him whether she acknowledged it or not. Which was why, her heart was in so much pain after not hearing from him in the last forty-eight hours, not since she walked out on him and Stefan at her step-mother's fundraiser.

Her mind still reeled whenever she thought about his careless words. Ever since he came back from Italy, Elena found herself wondering if the Damon she remembered for her teenage years still existed or if he had been flayed away with each bullet he shot.

Sometimes the hatred she felt for the people who turned him into who he was so bitter she could taste it on her tongue, she knew Damon was no victim and he would never claim to be but there was a part of her that couldn't help but seeing him that way. He hadn't chosen the life he leads or the job that had befallen in his hands, it was the most cursed family heirloom that could exist and the weight of all his sins.

When she was little, after that first night Damon came back home stained with blood, Elena liked to picture he could take her away like Peter Pan did Wendy. She and Stefan would follow him into the night and would inhabit a strange Island filled with wonders.

A pressure grew in her chest when she realized there was still a part of her that longed for that dream, for the chance to escape it all and become someone new. She had entertained the idea a couple of times over the years, but she knew she could never follow it through without Damon and that he was unable to walk away from the wretched life that had chosen them.

Feeling overwhelmed by the sadness that always followed her thoughts of him lately; she stood up from the bed and hastily finished arranging the things she would need to take back. Suddenly she didn't feel like staying any longer in the house that had seen so many darkness and pain through the years.

Elena grabbed her carry on and the plate where Martha, the cook, had placed the homemade cookies she always brought her whenever she visited. The house was eerie quiet, her step-mother was currently on a little vacation in Paris and Elena knew her father was locked in his study.

As she walked the halls towards the kitchen she was transported to her childhood years, when the house was always spookily quiet on most days, with nothing but Damon's and Stefan's childish sounds filling the emptiness, later on just Stefan's.

Elena didn't like the feeling that settled in her stomach at the silence that surrounded her; it made flashes of things she wanted to forget fight its way back into the surface.

She hurried her step as she headed in direction of the kitchen "Martha!" She called for the old woman as she entered the room, but found no one. She placed her carry on down and walked further into the room "Are you in there?" She asked once again and got no response, so she placed the plate on the counter and took hold of her carry on once again before heading to the hallway where his father's office was located.

John Gilbert was never the most devoted or loving of fathers after her mother died, Elena had dealt with his indifference and coldness for a long time and over the years things seemed to get only more strained between them, going full sour when she decided to go live by herself.

That didn't mean she didn't love him or held into the memory of the smiling man she remembered from before her mother died, but things were uncomfortable between them to the point she preferred to avoid him on most days, however, she couldn't leave the house without saying goodbye.

When she reached his office she noticed the door was ajar and that he was with someone, not wanting to interrupt she decided she would have to leave and excuse herself later for not saying goodbye.

She was about to leave when the man inside moved slightly and his face was revealed to her, his features were familiar but she couldn't really place him somewhere in her memory and yet a cold shiver ran down her back at the sight of him.

Elena retreated immediately, not liking the way staring at that man had made her feel. A big sense of anguish spread in her chest as she nearly flew away from her father's home, it was a feeling of unease so great she skipped her visit to the supermarket and flew straight home, locking all the doors the minute she arrived.

She felt stupid for her reaction and decided not to dwell too much in it as she prepared a hot bath and ordered some food to be delivered. The huge flat screen that rested on her living room was on with re-runs of Cupcake Wars in an attempt to feel somehow accompanied.

With the sound of the TV accompanying her and the smell of her essentials oils diffusing into the air, Elena stripped off her clothes and headed in direction of the bathroom. She piled her short hair in a messy half-bun on top of her head and was about to sink into the bubbly warm water when the doorbell rang.

She frowned as she reached for her peach-colored robe and wrapped herself in it, it was too soon for her food to be there already so she wondered mildly if perhaps it was Bonnie or Rebekah who had decided to show up unannounced

She stood up on her tiptoes to peer in the peephole and felt the air stuck in her throat at the sight that greeted her. She cleared her throat as she tightened the belt of her robe around her waist and dried her suddenly sweaty hands against the fabric.

With a deep breath, she opened the door and she found Damon standing in front of her. His hair was messy, dark stubble covered his pronounced jaw and his eyes looked weary; her stomach dropped at the sight of him but she refused to let him know how much it affected her to have him standing there.

She leaned her hip against the doorframe at the same time she crossed her arms over her chest and granted him a disdainful glance "What do you want?"

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, Elena thought briefly about how unusual it was to see him so out of his depth. "I wanted to talk," He said as his eyes moved behind her, a sign he wanted inside her apartment.

Elena cocked an eyebrow at him and didn't move an inch "I'm waiting"

He released a tired sigh "I'm sorry for the way I reacted after—"

"Spare me the details Damon" She snapped before turning around and allowing him to follow her inside her place, when she heard the sound of the door clicking behind her she turned to face him, eyes blazing with a fury she had buried inside her for so many years "You're not sorry, you never are. You do things that please without thinking in anyone else"

He seemed taken aback by her words, his hands finding his messy hair and tugging at the strands in a frustrated gesture "Elena that's not—" His words trailed off as his eyes softened "The last thing I want is to hurt you"

A surge of emotion rose up in her throat and she hated herself for the way her voice wobbled when she spoke "I'm afraid that's what you've done all your life, Damon. Don't you realize how much pain you put me through? How little you truly care for me, loving me and leaving me all the time like I was nothing but an afterthought"

He gifted her with another painful look before he started pacing back and forth in front of her "You couldn't be further from the truth Elena"

Elena shook her head in annoyance at his casual dismiss of her words "You didn't even show up for my graduation" Her lower lip quivered as the emotion flooded her as if she was still that seventeen-year-old girl waiting for him to show up "I was up in the stand giving my speech and all I wanted was to see your face in the crowd, but you weren't there"

A flicker of pain crossed his face as he stopped his pacing and went to stand in front of her "You know I couldn't—"

Elena bristled at his words, her feet taking her closer to him "All I know is that there's always something more important than me, even when—"The words got stuck in her mouth, she hated for him to see her in such a vulnerable state but she was also tired of always botting everything up "Even when you've always been the most important thing to me"

His eyes widened in outrage, they had always been the most expressive part of him. Whenever they watched a movie Elena always liked to steal away sneak peeks at him, to see how his eyes transformed in tune with the emotion he was feeling. That was the one part of himself he had always been unable to hide from her.

And right now they were shining with a mixture of pain and anger, a sight so raw it made something ache deep in her chest.

His hand went to cradle her face and against her better judgment she found herself swaying in the direction of his touch "Len, don't—please don't ever doubt my love for you"

Elena felt her eyes watering at the tenderness in his touch, in the words he said and the ones he didn't "Then why Damon? Why is it so easy for you just to push me away" She told him, baring herself to him once again "When I am dying here without you"

He shook his head before letting his forehead rest against hers "You wouldn't understand"

Elena pulled away from him with a violent move "Because you won't let me! You claim you want me to have my eyes open to the cruelty of the world and yet you're continuously closing them" She shouted at him, steely eyes cutting him down from where she stood "Which one is Damon? You want to protect me or you don't? You love me or you hate me?"

"I could never hate you," He told her as he once again moved to be closer to her.

"Then how could you throw away my feelings as if they mean nothing!" She yelled at him "How can you pretend you don't feel this thing between us"

Elena had been miserable ever since what happened between them in the bathroom of that night club. She couldn't stop feeling like a freak, ashamed of her actions and the way he so carelessly cast her away, she had obsessively checked her phone hoping he would call her but he hadn't, he had chosen to forget about what had happened as if it had meant nothing to him.

She had once again been nothing but an afterthought to him, the annoying little sister he couldn't shake off no matter what. Elena was so sick of being her, the girl who followed him everywhere without getting anything in return.

Damon's hands went to her shoulders and he pulled her towards him "Elena don't—please don't"

Weakened by his touch, Elena buried her face in his chest, basking in the comfort he provided for her, no matter what happened between them his arms were always the place she felt safer "Why not? Because you think you don't deserve it?"

"I know I don't" He whispered as he buried his face in her hair, his hands stroking her back with gentle soothing hands.

"Please Damon, don't put me on a pedestal"

He pulled away from her slightly, his fingers dancing over her face and settling on her chin "But you are! You are so far above from me cariño mio, siempre lo has estado"

Elena stared up at him, at those blue eyes that hid nothing from her and felt an enormous sense of sadness wash over her "Sometimes I am afraid of you" She confessed into the quietness of the night.

His thumb ghosted over her bottom lip "You should"

Her eyes watered once again as her hands went to rest on the scarred side of his face, the one up to this day still made many people flinch "I often fear the day will come when I can no longer recognize the man behind the blue eyes"

His hand went to rest above hers, his touch pressing her fingers with more force over his scars as he leaned down towards her "Take a good look at him, Len, this monster is who I am"

"I don't believe that" She said vehemently, wanting to cling to whatever hope could be offered to her that he was not the man everyone else ought him to be "I know the you I know is still there, the one who thought me how to ride a bike and who held my hand when our parents got married, I know he's still somewhere in there"

A flicker pain shone in his eyes but it was gone as swiftly as it came "No, Len" He said as he released her and pulled away from her touch "The man before you is nothing but your father's executioner and the man who showed you what it takes to kill a man" The mask fell into place once again, and the vulnerability that had been so clear minutes earlier disappeared completely from his face "This monster is who I am, and you'll do good in steering clear from him"

With that, he turned around and disappeared into the night, parting with nothing but the loud bang of the door as it closed.

Elena collapsed into the floor with a startling shriek, she went to her fridge and pulled out the bottle of vodka she kept there all the time, she removed the lid and took the bottle to her lips. As the cold liquid ran down her throat she cursed him a million times over for showing up and ruining her life, why bother to show up if he was only going to leave her more upset than before.

She was sick of him, sick of it all. She hated him and she loved him, she wanted to make him suffer and to please him, she wanted anything from him he could give. She was pathetic and sometimes she felt disgusted with herself for wanting him so badly but she couldn't stop.

Stop loving him was as impossible as stop breathing, he had been her anchor for so long, the one constant in her life and she refused to let him go, she wanted him in her life no matter how much it hurt her to do it so.

She would never be rid of him and she didn't want to.