Hey guys!
Sorry for the wait! I had to rewrite this chapter a couple of times because I just didn't like it.
Anyway, I think the final result is pretty good. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!
UPDATE: SORRY I JUST REALIZED THIS CHAPTER AND THE NEXT TWO DIDN'T POST CORRECTLY SO HERE IT IS CORECTED.
'Who ever said I trust you?' The words echoed in my head as I put the pastries, muffin I reminded myself, down and forced myself to go the door. It was like someone was stabbing my chest with every breath I took. Why? Why were this servants words so important? He hadn't shown any kindness towards me and yet I was acting as thought a dear friend had betrayed me.
"You should know that you are no better than me. Your trust is important to me not because I think you deserve to be so important in my life but because I like people to reciprocate my feelings. I see now that it was a mistake to even try to have a friendship with someone who clearly has no feelings or intentions coalified as good." I declared trying to hurt him like he had hurt me. I didn't meet his eyes for I knew I'd break apart if I turned to face the man in the balcony.
"You think that your words hurt but they don't. I've been told worse. You're hurt and want me to feel what you do now. You get attached way too easily and that is not my fault. Neither is your pain. We make our own choices and if weeping like a school girl over something you never had is yours than I can't help you." He answered, completely calm despite my claims.
"I shall accept my fault if you answer a simple question." I took his raised eyebrows as a sign to continue. I couldn't remember when I had turned again. "How can you be so cold?"
"Cold?" A sarcastic chuckle filled the air and I shivered in the warm temperature. Why would I consider the idea of relating to man that has such effects in me with just laughter a wise choice? "I guess you can call me that. It will just be one more mistake to add to your list. It's getting pretty long."
He surprised me once more by being the one to walk out of the room with he sweet still in hand. God! He had to turn it into a degrading situation, didn't he? I had made no mistake, if anything I had offered the gift of an unlikely friendship to him and he had refused it blatantly. The nerve of him.
Of its own accord my body sank onto the table, exhausted despite my limited movements during the day.
He wasn't cold? What an enormous lie. His attitude was offensive and so distant it could only be described at such. I had no fault! His mannerism was infuriating! That was the issue to be discussed! And yet… He had never insinuated trust and I had allowed the lack of respect going as far as serving him by bringing him food. I was the one that believed this little game could mean anything.
Thoughts of the like kept revolving around me and soon I was uncapable of distinguishing the pain from the anger in the whirlwind. I felt so tired…
I woke next morning at the break of dawn leaning on the desk. My whole body ached, and my body was covered in small droplets of water. But I barely realized this with the numbness that had drowned my insides. I felt horrible and as rested as if I had just come back from a long ride. For what felt like forever I didn't move, just watching as the beautiful grey tones in the sky disappeared as the marble became too bright. I stayed some after that as well.
Noon came around. Thirst and heat forced me to stand and go inside. Like some magic the shade made me realized that I had been missing for a day. I had not informed my father of anything. His worry must be so strong! I picked up my skirts and ran through the halls towards my chambers. This was all a huge mishap! I arrived in under ten minutes, but it still felt like that time would make everything worse. As expected when I opened the door my father was pacing the room looking distressed.
"Father?" I murmured, embarrassed at the situation.
"Arina! Thank God you are alright!" he exclaimed as he rushed to my side and enveloped me in his arms. I let the comfort of his touch was over me as the guilt dissipated. I was left a little girl seeking comfort in her father's arms. Why was I hurting so much? When we let go of each other he inspected me and frowned. "Why are you so dirty? It appears you slept in the gardens!"
"I'm sorry." I mumbled trying hard to keep tears at bay.
"Sorry? That's it? I've known nothing of you all day. Their Majesties were kind enough to inform me that you were to have breakfast with them which you should've informed me about. What are you playing at? Putting your honor at risk this way." He chastised and something inside of me flared. I knew I had a temper, but it had been tamed. Now it seemed to avoid my control.
"My honor is not at risk! What you thought me is not forgotten and if you must know I was alone for most of the day. I needed my space for once!" I responded furiously.
"Alone? Maybe it isn't your honor I should be worrying about but your capacity to think properly. Your actions prove you naïve and childish! Everyone was looking for you! Search parties were made. You are a disgrace!" Accused the man that had spoiled me all my life.
"I'm no…" I started to defend myself but was rudely cut off.
"You are and until I decide what to make of such an ungrateful daughter you are not to leave this room." He declared slamming the door. I was frozen with rage. I knew I had made a mistake, but this reaction was excessive. For one misunderstanding my father was acting as thought I deserved to be disowned. I didn't!
I stayed in my room for the day alternating between guilt and anger but always feeling the pain of not being trusted.
It was late at night when I gave up on sleep. All afternoon had been a whirlwind of thoughts that wouldn't give me peace in slumber. I tried to calm myself down, but it was useless. I needed a distraction. I needed peace. I needed to go back to that balcony.
I went to my wardrobe and put on a simple dress I needed no help to get into. I couldn't call my servants and expect them to say nothing about a late-night escapade. I got there faster than I thought even as I jumped to every shadow in the dark corridors of the palace. As I closed the door behind me I breathed in relief, ready to relax.
"Look who's back." Said a husky yet velvet like voice behind me. My mind filled with improper words that made me want to chastise my brain out loud. Not that I would give him that pleasure.
"I was hoping you wouldn't be here." Was what I settled with to buy me some time to clean my treacherous spirit of such ill thoughts. I loathed how my weak defense made his smirk grow.
"Sorry to disappoint you, sunshine." It was my turn to smirk. This could only be a reference to my name. He'd listened and made it his own. I tried to remind myself not to fall on his game again. Yet, a heart beat later, I knew it was too late for that. I was drawn to this man like a moth to the light.
Silence, our loyal companion, fell among us.
"I shouldn't be here." I admitted finally. All the morning problems came to me. I couldn't do this to my father.
"We knew that since the first night." He retorted, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes as a chuckle tickled the back of my throat. Memories came fast and dissipated that slight joy soon enough.
"My father is worried about me after last night." I explained. His eyebrows rose, inviting me to give more information. I barely hesitated: I needed to speak the words to someone but couldn't risk my honor by mentioning it to anyone else. "What you said hurt me a lot. Somehow, that stirred things, so I would fall asleep here until noon without my father's consent."
"It really got you that bad? Why?" he asked and for once I wasn't the one prying. It felt good even more as some amused guilt painted his features.
"Because I've been trying to be nice to you and everytime I think you might return that kindness you shut me out with such rudeness it frightens me. When you left I was confused and hurt I stayed here until I fell asleep. My father… he was really affected. He declared that…" by this point I was tearing up, reliving this mornings events. The harshness of the words that resonated in my mind made me forget about how I should never let anyone see me this affected.
"You don't have to tell me what he did. It's a family fight, no matter what it's about you fix it the same way." He answered calmly.
"Could you help me?" I requested softly, scarred of being shut down again.
"Why do you want to trust me so much?" his question surprised me. He knew how to fix my predicament while I did not. How could I not ask him for his assistance?
"Because I am sure that if I trust you enough you will learn to reciprocate. I wish for that to happen." The truth in that statement surprised me a little. I hadn't even known the words were mine until they were spoken. No words filled the air as he took me in with furrowed brows and suspicion alight in his brown orbs. After a small eternity he seemed satisfied and relaxed his face.
"Family is a delicate matter. You can't expect your father to be okay with not knowing If you are a safe in a foreign land. Holding a grudge is easy but useless in family matters. If you know you are on the wrong, you must admit it. If you don't feel comfortable explaining the situation to him stick to vague answers and repeat the apology. He will be relieved you know you made a mistake and trust you won't repeat it. Make sure not to provoke him for a couple of days." He advised, and it sounded so professional I couldn't help but be amazed and believe every word.
"Thank you." A nod was my only reply as he went back to looking at the ocean. I gathered my shambled courage and hoped for the best as I formed the words. "I still want to know your name." he tensed visibly, and I scrambled to reach a compromise he'd be comfortable with. "Or a surname. A way to call you. That is all I want."
"Blade." He answered, and my heart swelled with joy. "Some of my friends call me that."
"It is an honor, Blade." I conceded. "I'm afraid I forgot to apologize to you. I was hard on you when you had been clear on your intentions. Last night was partly my mistake."
"Don't worry." His forgiveness helped. More that it should've.
"I guess we might try to suppress last night experience." My proposal was, to me, the best option for both. I would forgive his harshness and he would be avoided the weight of it.
"Yeah except that it happened. There is one more thing about last night. Something I can't let go of. You said I wasn't better than you, but you are constantly acting like you are better than me. I don't care about your family or your name. Those are just accessories. If you want to be treated like a Lady, please leave. I won't do that. You've been warned." Silence filled us as I thought over his words. Being treated without my status was unthinkable. Were I was born made me different and, however much he liked to deny it, it gave me power and strength over him. His proposal was a direct insult. Yet in this balcony everything was different. I had permitted the idea to develop and those few minutes with muffins between us where we were equals could only be described as nice. Being just a person was nice.
"Okay" I conceded, making him raise his eyebrows in mock surprise. "I am willing to forgo status among us but then I must ask that you treat me with respect. That you do not abuse of this liberty."
"You think I would abuse you?" he questioned playfully but this smirk seemed just a little tighter than before and the glint in his eyes a little different.
"I don't. I just think it's good to make sure. No matter what happens this is a dangerous situation for me. I'm trying to protect myself." I justified.
"Seems fair." I acquired his conclusion and a smile formed in his lips. "It's great to be able to use that word without someone making jokes over how fitting it's for me to say it." He seemed to be talking to himself more than to me, but his eyes were still moving and pointed in my direction. I smiled too.
"People think you're fair? I wouldn't have pegged you for it." I teased lightly, hoping this wouldn't overstep a boundary.
"Well, then you would have been wrong. People think I'm fair because I always hear both sides and force my self to understand them. I made some huge mistakes when I was younger and was forgiven. I always try to give others the same chance." He explained. It was like he was explaining the meaning of life to me from how deep his conviction was.
"That's impressive." As I didn't want silence to last I continued. "People don't tend to be so flattering towards me. They want a shell for obedience, not qualities of my own."
"Which do you think you have?" his question took me by surprise. No one had ever asked me something so personal. I was never supposed to share something that could give so much ammunition. I found myself thinking about it none the less.
"I like to believe I'm rather observant. I've always thought that you cannot judge anyone if you have not inspected every aspect of something and compared it with other cases." I finally replied, wishing my answer was as satisfactory to him as his was to me.
"Well than I can only say that you are a fair person as much as you are wise and observant." He complimented, and I brimmed. I knew this couldn't be usual.
"Can I ask you something? Please do not take this the wrong way." I solicitated. This was about to be as rude as his words had been in our first encounter. I took his expecting look as an invitation to continue. "Why is it that you were so cold yesterday yet this warm today?" He seemed to mull over my words for a long time if the discrete grimaces that agitated his lower face was anything to go by.
"Because you needed help." He announced finally. "You were scared and hurt and as hard as I can be I hate to be the cause of such emotions. It's my way to pay you back even if I think I've made one too many concessions today."
His speech rendered me mute. I made him feel guilty. I did hurt him but not when I was trying to, not how I was trying to. He had mentioned making huge mistakes and hurting others. Maybe that wound wasn't completely healed, leaving a blatant weak spot. A weak spot I had exploited mercilessly.
"I should go." Said the guilt through my mouth.