"Your apology is accepted. I wouldn't put it above a girl your age to do such rash and stupid decisions." Said my father as he looked at me with a taint of disdain still coloring his gaze. It was still more than I had hoped for. I was in his chamber standing to his right at a respectable distance. He had barely looked at me, seemingly too busy with a work of literature, sitting in his arm chair. I had asked him for an audience as soon as the sun had risen. He, of course, made me wait over an hour before he had given me permission to present myself to him.
"Thank you, Father, it will not happen again." I repeated once again. This conversation seemed to be on a circular track for every sentence had been told at least twice. Almost an hour had gone by since Lord Maucin summoned me to his chambers to talk about the previous day's events. Once again, he'd shown harshness and received me with hurtful words, but my façade had been strong.
"I should hope so. You may retire now." Declared the man and I nodded and bowed my head in respect as I excited the room.
As I walked out my spirit refused to understand the events I just lived. Blade's advice worked! My father is satisfied and calmed (relatively) by my apology. Placating him proved to be simple. Was everything truly that simple? Could any situation be turned into something so abstract? Should such an action be done? It pained me deeply to know I had tricked him in such a matter as his concern for my safety. I truly was a horrible daughter and maybe did deserve to be disowned. My actions just weren't even an excuse of an apology.
The more this thoughts festered inside of me, the more I realized there was no joy in the reconciliation I had orchestrated based in the most hideous of lies. Perhaps another discussion, one with real sentiments expressed on it, was in need. Yet, the possibility of my father realizing my deceive was frightening.
As my soul was occupied by such morbid reveries I reached my chambers and called in my servants. My maid, Maria, braided my hair onto an intricate hairstyle. I had to look my best yet keep a sense of casualty: Queen Lucy had invited me to her private parlor for tea. I couldn't comprehend why the royals were granting me so many honors. I was a minor noble. Their interest seemed almost misplaced.
Even after the Valiant monarch declaration of her brother's affection towards me. In truth, that statement seemed t make everything ludicrous. A King has no interest in plain woman such as me. I might be a Lady, but my rank might as well be dirt next to his. High King of Narnia. He was fitting only for a queen.
Every passing second, my spirit was further troubled. The attentions of a King, a mysterious servant in a balcony, a furious father and an all too welcoming royal family all meeting under the warm sun of this magical country. How had a simple celebratory voyage turned into this anguishing situation.
Maria had finally finished and signaled it to me efficiently bringing me back to awareness. I had to control myself. If was to lose my calm façade I would dishonor all of Anur's comities. I inhale a single time pushing doubt down. Yet this technique proved ineffective for as I stood I felt like I was walking towards a deadly trial. The youngest of my hosts had never shown any intention of confrontation nut my insecurities clouded my reason. A dame of company waited for me outside my rooms. By my father order I wasn't to be left alone at any moment. My emotional turmoil stopped me, once again, from appreciating the path I was guided through. The drama had to come to an end or my sanity would.
An eternity or a minute passed, and two guards pushed a gigantic double door open. The parlor was a beautiful composition of strangeness. The furniture was similar to what I knew for I could define the objects as divans, but their silhouette was rather bizarre. The fabric covering them seemed so cheap and rough I had to suppress a gasp. Narnia was a proper nation. Its rulers were wealthy beyond belief. Surely, they could afford better. Why had this noble personality contempt herself with such flimsy cloth? Disgust shook me: a castle should be filled with embroideries and silk, not this vulgar material.
"Oh! Lady Maucin! Please, take a seat" exclaimed the young Queen, startling me. Her behavior was oddly casual and cheerful. Had her brother's health improved? It seemed, as natural source for such glee.
"Thank you, Your Majesty. Has your royal brother's illness receded?" I asked as good mannerly as I could to be assaulted by doubt the very next moment. Was my question impolite? Had I been too gossipy? I sure wouldn't have done this to anybody else. Why did the majestic siblings make me forget every etiquette rule ever thought to me?
The young woman sobered immediately, and I realized no answer was needed. Ashamed, I finally followed her invitation and sat down to be gladly surprised by the fine cloth. It seemed the bulk appearance had completely fooled me. "I am sorry for intruding" I said in a low voice. I wanted to mumble but that could never be done in the presence of a royal.
"It's okay. No, Edmund hasn't gotten better yet. Sometimes I doubt he will ever return." The pure sorrow in her voice stopped any more questions to come out of me. King Edmund was dying. What could I say to take away such pain? How could I make the words 'I'm sorry' mean enough to express my empathy? Was it even worth trying? Was it truly better than nothing?
"I'm sorry." I tried but my heart wanted to cave out at that exact moment. Why did something truthful sound so fake?
"Let's not talk about it." I remembered how Queen Susan had mentioned that she had always been the closest to the Just monarch. This must be like a collar strangling her. At least, that was what it was like with my mother. I respected her grief by staying silent and looking at my lap intensely. It took her long moments to get herself under control. Even longer to look at me and manage a smile. "Let's not let this ruin tis morning. I invited you here because I want to meet the woman Peter likes better."
I immediately flushed. My doubt from earlier resurfaced and found myself unable to speak. How could such a man have feelings for someone like me?
"Your Majesty is too kind…" I stuttered and hated myself for it. Where was my strength? The feistiness I showed when meeting Blade.
"Don't worry. You are not in interrogation or anything. I just thought that if you caught Pete's eyes is because there is something wonderful in you. Take this as a conversation from one friend to another." Her words were comforting, and a small ray of sunshine settled in me at hearing them. This Queen, this woman was a real flower blooming in everyone's heart. And for some reason she considered me a friend. It was all so overwhelming. And yet I didn't feel the strongest of fears like I should've.
"I am so grateful you would consider me a friend, Your Grace." I answered dutifully, truthfully, submissively. Where had the last part even come from?
"You can call me Lucy. And please drop the formalities I think our conversation a couple of days ago proved that I'm not the best with that." Her boldness made me flush. How improper was this? Calling a queen by her name. but if I didn't I would disobey a direct order. How did I get myself in this situation?
"I don't think that conversation meant much. Is hard to know someone when internal turmoil is haunting them." My answer was a contradiction to a Higher Rank person. What was happening to me? I was clearly a disgrace to my family and country. I would be sentenced to death no doubt.
"Yeah, I know but that is who I am. Well except for the beastliness. That was definitely more like Ed. I'm usually pretty calm. I guess you would understand. According to everyone that's met you, you are a tamed woman that never disrespects anyone. And still you disappeared for a whole day." The end of her sentence felt close to an accusation and suddenly I remembered search parties were made for me. I had worried everyone for a grief that had no justification. This place was changing me, but I wasn't sure if it was in a good way. In Anur this behavior wouldn't have even crossed my mind. Not since I understood that my childhood antics were to stay behind me.
"I am so sorry for the inconvenience that I caused. I was in the castle, but I guess it wasn't a visible part, but I got lost after the party and I…" Bubbly laughter interrupted me, and I looked up to see the Valiant letting go of her angry façade. I was surprised to say the least. This had to be a mistake. What I had done had no excuse, what was causing the laughter?
"Don't worry. When we first came to Cair that happened every other day with one of us. This place is just so big, and people around here tend to panic. That's only because they care, thought."
"You got lost in your own castle?" I couldn't hep the laughter. She was so easy to talk to. Court and manners be damned. I wanted to enjoy something for once.
"It sounds pretty ridiculous, huh? Yeah, we wanted to see everything and sometimes we liked to hide so that they wouldn't bother us with etiquette classes for a couple of hours. Now that I recall it, it seems so childish but at the time it seemed like genius." Her smile was as contagious as any other form of joy coming from her and it felt so nice. I could stay here forever.
"I remember me and my brother hiding form our tutors as well, it was so much fun seeing them trying to find us." I confessed. Such things should be buried in a past inaccessible to everyone.
"Really? I always loved hide and seek. My siblings always got pissed at me because I wanted to play it all the time. But then one day we stopped. Nothing could compare to a game we had when I was eight and we didn't even want to try." She confessed with the smallest bit of nostalgia in her voice. I couldn't comprehend how a game could be so great to ruin any other attempt to compete with it, but I wasn't about to question the mind of a child.
"You seem to be extremely close to your siblings." I commented. Everyone knew the Narnian monarchs were close, but it was still surprising to see. My brother and I thought we were close-knit, but it couldn't compare to the fondness in her voice.
"You have no idea. They are my entire world. I guess it's normal since we grew up mostly just with each other. We lost our parents when we were only kids so Su and Pete became my parents and Edmund was my best friend. It was just easier to talk to him. I love Narnians but sometimes you need to talk to humans." I realized in that moment I was truly unprepared to meet this family. I knew nothing of their story. Why hadn't I bothered to check before?
"That sounds lovely." I said fondly, and it truly did. A family build from ashes, stronger than before in which everyone has a place. They were so strong and so unlike any story told of them.
"It is. It was hard to get to this point, but it was definitely worth it. And I mean we are close, but we still are siblings, so we still fight a lot. What about you? if I remember correctly you have an older brother that just got married. Are you close?" where did so much kindness come from? What had I done to deserve this wonderful morning? Her voice was so full of joy…
"We are close, but I can't recall any fights. He is my brother and my elder, so I make sure to never contradict him. he knows better after all." I explained, surprised by her roused eyebrows. Did what I say didn't make any sense? I thought I coherent to treat someone you owed respect to this way.
The royal siblings were making my head turn. Every time I thought I understood something they changed every rule. I couldn't use any of my education or etiquette because it just wasn't normal to them. They could be so regal but were so… common all the same. In less than an hour with the Queen I already questioned everything I was ever taught. This vision of the world just wasn't normal. It seemed almost like they came from a whole other world.
"I sometimes forget that people can be raised with that much etiquette." Her chuckle went almost unnoticed. Surely, she'd been raised the same way or even more strictly. Her breeziness just didn't make sense. "Every day I'm happier of my upbringing and to have people that won't let me forget it. I swear, if Ed ever heard me say something like that he'd kill me and whoever taught that to me. Sometimes it really seems like ten years of living in a palace haven't changed him at all."
I felt horrible. She couldn't stop talking about her brother. Her grief must really be affecting her. I wondered what her reaction to loosing someone she clearly cared so much about would be. Sometimes people never stopped grieving, perhaps this would turn out to be one of those cases.
My reveries were interrupted by the guards opening the door to let Queen Susan in. she was wearing the most beautiful of red gowns, embroider with rubies and topazes. The underskirt was an almost black shade of scarlet. Her hair was held only by a gold broach to stay out of her face. It few down her back in a manner that should've seemed unproper but gave her an air of sophistication. The smallest of diamonds decorated her cleavage, but they shinned brighter than the stars. I felt so small.
Whereas Queen Lucy was inviting, Queen Susan was rather imposing. Of course, you could see her gentle spirit, her undoubtable kindness. Nevertheless, she seemed like an ideal no one could ever reach and that terrified me.
"I'm sorry I'm late. Peter needed my help with some matters. Lady Maucin, it's great to see you." Announced the Gentle. I couldn't comprehend her apology. She was powerful enough to never be late in the eyes of others. Why would she bother with a gesture reserved to those she outranked?
"Your Majesty." I responded while getting on my feet and bowing. There was no other way to behave in front of this goddess.
"Please, there is no need for that. When in this room I'm just Susan." Her declaration made more sense than her sister. At least she had admitted that this situation, this casualty was conditional and temporary. "What are you talking about?" The casualties felt even worse coming from her than from Queen Lucy. She just seemed to be so much bigger than life itself…
"Oh, I was just telling her about how Ed would flip if he heard someone saying you can't fight with your brother because he's older." Explained the youngest with a little laugh. Her love for her brother was just so pure.
"I'm sorry about her Lady Maucin, she cannot go through an entire conversation without mentioning Edmund. They depend so much on each other I sometimes get seriously worried." And suddenly the oldest royal was much less imposing. Inside this doors she'd become a friend, gently mocking someone she cared for. It made me feel both better and worse to know she always included her brother in conversation. For once, his death would be that much harder on her and she truly didn't deserve it. On the other hand, it showed that the grief still hadn't consumed her.
"It's quite alright. I am glad to hear you are so close to your royal brother." I reassured her. When I did so I had to remind myself in this place she was only a woman, not a queen. Why was it so impossible yet so simple to see?
"Yes. We all are very close even if there is a division between Peter and I and Lucy and Ed. It's always been that way." The eldest confirmed making me smile softly. They truly made a beautiful family. "What do you think of Narnia this far?" her question was gentle, yet I felt trapped. Of course, I quite enjoyed the place, the magical aura it possessed and all the opportunities it represented. People on the other hand… well they'd all been nice but it they were so confusing. I couldn't say that to their rulers thought.
"It is a very beautiful place, if different than what I expected." I compromised. Something told me that saying only half the truth would quickly be uncovered by the sisters.
"What do you mean? What did you imagine different?" asked the youngest with an innocence I thought woman our age should've already surpassed.
"Well, if I may be so bold…" I started but regretted it instantly. Who was I to speak to them that way. 'You're no one' chastised my mind borrowing the tone of my father.
"You are free to say what you wish." Reassured the auburn-haired beauty. "I can swear to you none of this shall exit this room and no consequences shall fall upon you." Somehow her words worked as a spell that took the last of my education away.
"I was merely thinking that your Majesties are greatly different to what is said of you. In the best of ways that is." My confession should be a source of shame, but their reassuring smiles served to take that away.
"I guess we are. There is just so much myth around us. I mean Pete can be great but Magnificent is a bit much. He has a lot of defects like his need to always be right and to show he can do everything better than others. I am nice but honestly, I'm also really harsh to those around me. I like things a certain way and don't accept anything else. Ed can be pretty dark and harsh, but he is genuinely good. He just builds up walls too big to dig. And Lu is really brave and nice, but she also tends to hide behind others, so they would solve her problems." Explained the Gentle and I was amazed that she could criticize herself and her family in such a rough way and still smile. It seemed so arbitrary when said this way, but it should be so much more. Why wasn't it?
Time didn't improve my understanding of them. We talked little about me and more about Narnian culture and the people in them. They also talked plenty about their brothers. The love in that family was a bit overwhelming. But most of all I was astonished at meeting the High King through another perspective. He seemed good, kind and caring but his competitive nature and superiority complex were highlighted strongly. This was, obviously, made through lighthearted jokes but it was still rather scary.
When lunch came around I excused myself politely. My father and I were not in the best of situations and me avoiding spending time with him wouldn't help matters. The day blurred by in a whirlwind of confusion. This country was so different, and I was still trying to wrap my head around it. At the party King Peter danced with me and told me a couple of sweet words. Something close to "You look as ravishing as the sun." If only he knew I liked the moon much better.
I soon excused myself and snuck out of my chambers to go to the balcony. I needed clarity and didn't think I could find it anywhere else. I found Blade there sitting at the table with a book. As I entered he put it down. He seemed to have been waiting for me. I liked the ambience the candle light brought. It made it all seem less prohibited.
"How did it go with your father?" he asked, and I couldn't help but smiling. He cared, he wanted to know.
"He said he forgave me but it all felt so fake. It almost seemed like I didn't even truly apologized." I confessed. I wanted to tell him this all day. I wanted his advice. The reason for such feeling.
"A conversation of the sort will always feel fake or incomplete. It is actions, efforts put into motion that will show how genuine you are. Words are powerful but can only do so much." He explained and it all made sense. This was a formality that had to be passed, next would come the truth. It didn't mean I liked it. The conversation was over however, and I strived for something to say. Anything. He had waited for me, he deserved more than this.
"Queen Lucy invited me to her parlor today" I confessed a little shily. This man was no gentleman and even one wouldn't be interested in hearing about my mundane activities. This was gossip meant for woman.
"Yeah, how was it?" he asked, sounding genuine. I was stunned into silence for just a couple of seconds. How was this of enough relevance for him to listen?
"It was… strange. I mean the conversation in itself seemed like a riddle, but I still can't get over the furniture. It was so cheap looking it was almost repulsing" I said, surprised that the first thing I thought of was those odd divans. So much more had happened. Why was my focus in such a trivial thing?
"Hey! I happen to love those couches!" he said a little harshly but when I turned to see him with a little fear I saw a sardonic smile in his face. Was he taunting me? Why did that feel so nice? "And I mean sure they look really rustic but there is a reason for that!"
"What reason could there be for a high breed such as a Queen to lower herself to that level?" I asked trying to show my indignation but smiling at his openness and good humor.
"You do know the Kings and Queens weren't born royal, right? They were born far away from here in a really humble environment. Those couches are there to remind her of those she knew when she was younger. Of course, it's not traditional but it's a private room so nobody cares. It's her little nostalgic place." He explains with a sincere smile yet making it sound like he was mocking me in a fond way.
"But then how did they become monarchs of the most powerful of countries?" The doubt took priority in my mind as I could understand the rest. Nostalgia is a powerful force. After my mother's passing multiple rooms at our estate had remained untouched for months and even years as a way to keep her memory intact.
"Aslan brought them here and when they defeated the White Witch they were crowned." His statement was the slightest bit condescending. Of course, I could understand that this was his culture, and this was common knowledge, but it was still no reason to treat me this way. Those news hadn't reached our part of the world. he must've seen my confusion because he chuckled and rolled his eyes.
"I must admit to never have heard of such events. I always thought they were of noble upbringing and merely overthrew the usurper." I couldn't deny the shamefulness of my poor education on the matter. It was the very least I should know about my hosts.
"I wish it'd been that easy. It was a whole adventure and a lot of people suffered."
"Of course. War always hurts people."
"You have no idea, Sunshine…" with those words Blade zoned out and his eyes took on a haunted look. Things I had yet to think about galloped into my spirit. He had affirmed that his friends had nicknamed him Blade. Of course, that had to be a reference to his skills in battle. I had seen my father coming back from battle a couple of times and knew how harshly that had affected him. The man before me had clearly left a portion of his soul in the war.
Looking at him, I was desperate to give him some support. Something to hold onto. When my father had gone through those hard times I had been but a baby. I still recall my mother taking his hand, caressing his knuckles and talking to him in soft whispers to stop the morbid scenario to haunt him. I wanted to do that with Blade, but I didn't dare. He seemed to be much more open today but was that enough? Would the gesture destroy what little advanced we had come to know? No, I couldn't put this fragile bond on the line. Nevertheless, I was not unkind and hated to see the suffering in the brown orbs.
"How old were you?" my question was careful, guarded. A way to steer him out of memories without changing the conversation drastically. God knew that would only shock him.
"First time I saw war or first time I fought?" he said with a smirk and something close to humor in his face, but his eyes still had that empty feeling. I just waited for a minute, unsure of what to answer. This man had seen so much. "I guess, to be fair, the first time I was truly involved in a war I was ten years old. I mean I was always around violence but that is different from war."
"You were so young…" I commented absolutely shocked. I had never heard of such a young soldier, it was disturbing to say the least.
"Yeah, well, that's life." He muttered with the slightest sigh. This time I couldn't help myself. I was used to this man being totally stoic but the memories of the hell he must've seen were taking that away from him. I gently put my hand on his arm, hoping to give comfort. Instead I felt his body tense. As I was about to retire my limb he relaxed and gifted me with the smallest of smiles. "Thanks"
I found myself smiling with the softness I believes to be reserved to children. Why was my heart hammering in my ribs? Why did I want to… what did I want?
"Let's not talk about me. Tell me something else about you." He proposed, and I was glad for the tangent. That was until it hit me. He wasn't shutting me out.
"Am I dreaming? Are you making conversation?" I teased before realizing how unworthy that was of me. A Lady would never do that, not even with a servant. And even if I had said I would let go of title when being here this was too much. My thoughts were interrupted by the smallest of chuckles.
"Well if it's that much of a problem we can stay in silence." He countered but there was no bite behind his words. Those were words of a friend, yet they were so honest. Did this cold strong man feel insecure? Like he would be shut down? I wanted to pry but didn't dare do so.
"Actually, I kind of enjoy it" I replied with a mischievous grin. I paused, considering how to continue. "I don't know what to tell you. Everything that's happened to me seems so insignificant compared to the pain you've been through." My admission made me feel so small. I had suffered and went through what had seemed like a lot to me, yet next to the dark waves of despair that radiated from this man felt like nothing. Where had my eighteen years of experiences gone when I needed the most insignificant of all of them?
"Why is me having gone to war such a change? You still lived things and that still matters. Stop comparing yourself to me." Strangely I felt like a small child being lectured. Was my reaction all that childish and stupid? No, it wasn't. This was just the sharp edges of his personality. I still stayed quiet, feeling stupidly ashamed. "What is your favorite memory?" to say I was startled would've been an understatement. Yet I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I was going to take the rope he offered me.
"I guess my favorite memory would be my brother and I playing in the gardens of our estate back in Anur. He had sneaked me out of my lessons with my governess to the garden. When my mother and father found out they were furious. We were covered in mud and dry leaves but smiling form ear to ear. I don't even remember what we were playing, just a feeling of pure happiness." I remembered that day in feelings and couldn't ask for more. The calm that always came with the knowledge of being loved was more than enough for me.
"He sounds like a great guy." He commented with a smile wavering between content and slightly mocking.
"He is. I which he was here but he is recently married and couldn't leave his new estate so soon after consummating his relationship." The mere thought of him made me nostalgic. If he was here, he would've never let father speak to me the way he had. He was my guardian angel and being so far from him left a hole in my chest.
"Yeah, he's in his honey moon period. Don't worry you'll see him again soon." Was he comforting me? What happened to the dark man from yesterday.
"You're in a good mood." I commented, trying hard not to make it sound like a reproach.
"I am. I fixed a lot of things that needed fixing today. If this keeps going this way, I'll finish before the end of the week. It's a nice change. I've been working non-stop for almost three months now." His explanation made perfect sense. It didn't have to do with me, but then why did I wish it did?
"I'm glad to hear that." And I was, I just wished our conversation was the reason for his good mood.
Silence, our loyal companion made itself known again but there was no tension. It was merely a way of acknowledging the end of a conversation. I looked around for just a moment, happy to see the moon playing in the woods that edged in my vision. Those must be the western woods. I knew that I wasn't supposed to know anything about geography, but I had always loved that discipline. My brother would often repeat his lessons to me with boredom, but I absorbed it all. How could he not love this way of traveling only with a map? You knew everything from everywhere. How could that be neglected?
"What did Lucy tell you this morning?" he asked. Lucy. He called the Valiant Queen by her name. Was this the boldness that belonged to Narnians? I had always heard that this people had a more casual relationship with their sovereigns but his was a bit of an exaggeration. "You do realize you are staring at me and that a fly just flew into your mouth, right?" his mischievous words startled me and when their significance caught up with me I started coughing and spitting in the most unladylike way possible. I needed that insect out of my mouth.
I finally managed to make it exit my insides to be welcomed with a thunderous laughter. Blade was openly laughing at me. I tried to be offended but it was hard. His laughter, like everything else in him seemed to be made of black velvet: imposing yet soft in a dark way. It was something to be treasured in its rarity and that made it contagious. I smiled but showed my slight anger by smacking his arm playfully. That only made his booming laughter grow. I soon joined him. It was liberating. A Lady was never to laugh this way but in this space none of that matters.
"You have a nice laugh." He complimented smirking.
"So, do you. It would be great for people to hear it more often" And it was true. His laughter seemed like a beautiful pearl that should be paraded around as much as it could.
"Nah, that would totally destroy my reputation." Was he serious or mocking? Why was it so hard to tell?
"If your reputation won't let you laugh then it is not worth defending." I countered in my best wise voice. That way the conversation was to stay lighthearted, but the truth would still be told. For a second, I wondered where I had learned this ability of analysis only to realize the source of the knowledge was in front of me. I always knew such things, but it was how easy it was to talk to him that made me able to use it.
"Some people need scary reputations. We can't al be like you, Sunshine." The night hid the blush that colored me when I thought of his nickname for me. I loved it.
"Why must such things exist?" I wondered and suddenly there was no lightheartedness to the conversation. Not to say it was harsh or simply depressing. It was merely too intense for laughter.
"It's a protection in a certain way. A way not to get hurt. If you are already seen as the shadowy one no one will belittle you for being so." His answer took me by surprise but reminded me of something. This morning the queens had said something rather similar. Did that make it true?
"So, I've heard from the monarchs." I commented, making him smile sadly.
"You should listen to them more. They tend to be pretty wise." His words seemed to be against everything he preached for. Recognizing their wisdom was surely a way of admitting their superiority. Still, commenting on it wasn't my style.
I let silence wash over us for a little while. He seemed to be deep in thought and I found myself -studying him. Of course, the night sky and light played tricks on my vision, but I could still clearly distinguish his angular cheekbones that led to an all too perfect nose. He truly was a work of a shady artist, someone to be contemplated for as long as it could be done. If one was to become a poet, it could be said that he was an illuminated shadow of the starriest night. The son of a full moon graced with the light that defined her.
Before I knew it, I was biting my lip, wishing for his attention to be in me like mine was in him. maybe if I said something. But… would that make me seem desperate? What could I say that wouldn't give such an impression? Why did I even care about such things?
"Anur doesn't have this beautiful climate. It is often raining there. I always wished to have a balcony there, one I could read books on and where embroidery took a new perspective thanks to the landscape. I love how aerated this castle is. It adds to it's magic." Stupid. He didn't care. Why did I say that of all things?
"Yeah? Is this your favorite type of weather?" why was he interested? Why did it feel so nice? I had to force myself to focus on the words and not their emissary.
"I don't know. I like the warmth, but the humidity combined with it is a little heavy. I guess my favorite climate is warm but with the effects of a forest. I just love to be surrounded by trees." Wondering out loud when close to him seemed natural, perfect.
"You would love Western Woods then. The trees just surround you every step but let the sun sneak through their leaves. It is one of the best walks one could ever make." Him continuing such a trivial conversation was nice. I wanted to know this and so much more about him. Wanted to learn what he had to teach.
"I thought they were dangerous." The comities had indeed made a point to warn us all of the danger of the place. It was after all close enough for some adventurous young man to wonder in.
"It is. But the beauty is worth it. To me, adventure and beauty will always matter more than the danger I take to get there." He declared with such conviction in him that it contradicted his sardonic smile. When seeing this I realized the truth. The absolute truth I had tried to hide.
"I guess it is."
In that moment I threw my title of this heights and embraced who I was.