Hi everyone
I'm sorry it took so long to update but things have been crazy lately. Anyways, I would really appreaciate any and all feedback because I'm not really sure how this chapter turned out.
Anyway, merry christmas!
I love you too. The greatest words I had ever heard. And the voice that kept echoing them in my head made them even sweeter. Blade loved me and that made everything worth it. Every risk I'd taken, and all the doubts were vanishing into the background. I knew that with him right there I could face it all.
All tiredness was forgotten as I felt happiness invading me like a damn opening. I pressed myself closer to him, wanting to feel him, strong and sturdy to be sure this wasn't just a dream. I felt the firm muscles of his chest contracting and releasing with each breath he took, and beneath them I could feel the slightest hint of his collarbone. It was then I realized he was much skinnier than he looked with so much muscle covering him. His chin felt, in fact, a little bony too where it was rested on my head. I wished he didn't have to leave and go back to King Edmund so he could stay and eat some of the delicious food they had in the banquets.
"I meant it, thought. And I still do. Thank you for trusting me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve anybody's trust." His voice was so emotional, so young. I lifted my head to look into his eyes. They were marred with guilt that seemed mostly healed. Yet some remained, fueling insecurities he tried to hide. I couldn't help the fond smile that it my face. His emotions were beautiful, and I was so lucky he allowed me to see them. My hand went to his cheek to cradle it on instinct. He lent on it and closed his eyes, as if this small gesture, this small comfort, was more than he thought he could allow himself. It broke my heart because I knew that he deserved so much more.
"You deserve people's trust. You are an amazing person and if what I've seen you do the last week is any indication, you are extremely dedicated to your country and want to help everyone you can. Whatever happened that made you think that way it isn't who you are anymore."
"I don't think what I did can be forgotten or forgiven completely. I betrayed everybody that I was supposed to love." He admitted shyly, looking down. I knew everyone had a past and often the past was very different from the present but imagining this man betraying someone was ludicrous. He defended everyone whether it'd be his friends such as he had done just moments ago with Myra or as he'd done with me all through this week. He even defended the couches he liked in the Queen's study. How could he have betrayed anyone? More so someone he loved.
Yet he had said something else. He was supposed to love them. Supposed. Didn't he truly love them? Why, then, feel guilty over their pain? Of course they were human, but one does not harbor such pain over someone he doesn't care about. Perhaps he hadn't realized he used that word which made it even more important. Maybe he needed to figure something out himself.
"Do you really love them?" I asked, trying to push him in the right direction. Maybe I could help him like he had helped me.
"What? Of course I do!" the indignation in his voice spoke highly against the 'supposed' he'd used before. He seemed to know his feelings, but I couldn't let this go so easily. He deserved to realize what was truly in his mind. I looked at him significantly until he wavered. A tear escaped his left eye and he hung his head in shame. I waited some more and finally he cracked. "I love them, I really do but it was hard to get here. The relationship used to be rough and I used to doubt the love we have for each other." He admitted. I could tell by the way he spoke this were people he was obliged to love, family certainly. The problem with that kind of love is that when you disconnect from them, the guilt of not fulfilling that obligation mares you.
"Why did you?" I continued, hoping he could leave this weight behind him if he only verbalized it.
"Doubt it?" a long pause followed; his eyes showed his mumbled thoughts. It seemed this was another of the secrets he had never mentioned, like his father's letter. "I don't know. I guess I was told I was unwanted enough times to believe it. I just couldn't understand that Peter wasn't saying that because he thought so, but because he didn't know what else to do. He needed someone to blame for everything happening and I was the easy choice. I've always been moody and harsh and quite proud. I made sure it seemed nothing could hurt me, and I guess I was too good at it. If he'd known he was hurting me as much as he was, he would have never acted that way." His explanation seemed like that of a victim that wanted to blame itself for abuse. I hated it. And when I said as much he chuckled sadly. "It wasn't abuse. It was sibling rivalry taken to an extreme. And whatever he did I did back to him. I wasn't a victim. If anything I was worse. I tried to get him killed."
"He was a bully!" I countered; hurt he might have been manipulated into thinking that way. I couldn't say anything for sure but there was no way sibling rivalry could be taken to such an extreme.
"He did the best he could, but when someone doesn't let you help them you grow angry. It's natural. Plus he was a child, he stopped when he was thirteen." My annoyed huff must have been a clear indicator of what I thought of this whole thing. A small chuckle latter he continued. "He's not a bad person. He is actually very kind and caring. We're just opposites. It's easy to fight. He truly wants to help anyone he can and tries his best to be there for everyone. If I didn't let him that was between us. I made peace with what he did, you have no reason to be mad about this if I am not."
"So I can't defend you against that jerk?" I complained with my arms crossed and head to the side, slightly upturned. His laughter, compassionate and sweet proved, once again, why I couldn't believe he could betray someone. His dark side was a protection for a sweet, innocent man. His hand found his way to my cheek and forced me to look at him again. He was staring at me with adoration and fondness as his thumb caressed my cheek.
"You don't need to defend me from the people I love. Trust me, he cares about me as much as you do." I pouted, displeased with the answer but soon my expression meted as his lips found their way back to mine. I let him and melted into the gesture. With him there, I knew things would be alright for both of us. His body reassured me this pain wouldn't get to him if I was here.
The rest of the night was a blur of small fidgets of conversation interrupted over and over by the need to feel the other close to us. Our lips were touching each other's longer than they weren't. At some point, we sat together on the ledge of the balcony and started a game. If you shared a secret with the other, you could kiss them again but if the other didn't answer with one of their own they couldn't reciprocate the gesture. It was silly but we had fun doing so. I learned little about him, as he was still careful with his secrets. I tried not to let that sting, but it wasn't easy. I knew he was this way but a part of me had expected the words we had pronounced would have changed that. I knew it wasn't fair to hope for that. After all, loving someone means accepting their flaws.
I did, however learn that he had gotten a wolf tattooed on his hip when he was younger, and he'd never shown to anybody. I tried to think back to the night at the beach, but I hadn't paid enough attention to see hints that I wanted to see it didn't work: he ignored them with a teasing smile on his face, clearly reding me enough to know what I wanted. He also confessed to having cried over a play to celebrate summer and had to hide it as a really bad flu. Apparently, he'd been bed ridden for a week over it.
But my favorite confession of the night was his love for poetry. He admitted that he often hid poetry books so no one would know it and told others notebooks contained classified information when they only held his thoughts. He told me they often came in the form of songs which had led him to hiding piano partitures in those notebooks as well. I promised myself to ask him to play one of those for me the next night.
Indeed, I couldn't ask for much more as dawn was coming upon us.
"You have to go." I said, hating having to break the beautiful space we had locked ourselves in. I never understood why some people wanted control over time until that very moment. I wanted to freeze everything around us and let us continue with our little eternity.
"I do." He admitted. He stood and I was expecting him to leave completely, but instead he offered me his arm. I looked at him oddly until he continued. "What kind of gentleman would I be if I let you return to your chambers alone, My Lady?" I giggled profusely at his pompous attempt of character.
"What if someone sees you?" My question didn't seem to faze him whatsoever even if I knew he had to stay hidden for his own safety.
"Don't worry, we just won't use the hallways." His smile and confidence were contagious, and I found myself returning them. I took his arm, and he guided me like a perfect nobleman would, taking me to a new secret passageway hidden behind an armor in the hall. I lost myself in the twist and turns until I could recognize the passageways Myra had guided me through a couple of nights ago. He left me on the same door, letting go of my arm. We stood there for a second, for neither wanted to say goodbye yet. In the end, he was the one to push his lips to mine once again and say "See you tonight" which I responded happily. I opened the door and, looking behind me once to see him smiling, left another perfect night behind.
I was exhausted, my body knew it, but I couldn't find it in myself to go to sleep. I laid in bed for the longest of times, but my eyes wouldn't close, happiness invading everything inside of me. When Maria came to wake me, I leapt out of bed and into my dress for the day. My poor handmaiden was left once again confused as to my change of mood which seemed to be different everyday now. I didn't care though.
The day was spent in a different kind of haze. This wasn't sadness, it was giddiness. I wanted everything to go faster, and everytime it seemed it wouldn't, Blade's words echoed in my head, leaving me floating and glad everything happened. I strolled down the gardens, humming and dancing to myself. The guards tried to hide the odd looks they were giving me but couldn't quite manage. I ignored it. I was untouchable.
I spent morning in the higher part of the castle, observing the sea that had opened so many possibilities to me in that one night of playful banter. It was beautiful and even from distance I could almost feel the waves surrounding me, licking at my skin as he swam with me in the ocean. At some point, I felt a strong need to tell someone what was happening but sadly, Queen Lucy was busy and couldn't talk at the moment. As no one else knew of Blade I found myself bound to silence. Any other day this would have bothered me, but not today.
After a long, comfortable lunch with my father and Rita I retired and took a deliciously long nap. My dreams were full of the taste of Blade's lips. Of their velvet harshness. I woke up yearning for the contact.
Night came a short eternity after. I made sure to look my very best for this ball and when I entered many eyes were on me. Tonight the party was in the central garden and the small lanterns made for a beautiful décor. Some girls whispered among themselves about how this was too much and how I was trying to make up for my gloom in other nights. Again, their thoughts went over my head for whatever they thought was insignificant if I had gotten Blade to fall in love with me. If I was trying to look good it was for him, not for anybody on the dance floor.
Queen Lucy saw me and smiled, leaving her brother and sister behind. The older monarchs looked at me slightly mockingly. I couldn't blame them. My dopy grin was probably quite a sight, but I couldn't stop it, nor did I want to. When the Valiant reached me I immediately took her arm in a conspiratory way and dragged her to the side. She seemed surprised but overjoyed about it, nonetheless. Gossip was heard again about how inappropriate it was and I laughed as we both rolled our eyes at the same time over it. I knew then that this friendship was real and treasured.
"You look happy" she remarked. I nodded enthusiastically. As she was the only one to know about Blade, I had wanted to tell her about last night success all day, but she had been busy in meetings. I guess the life of a royal can be quite hard and busy and I didn't judge her at all for it.
"I am." She looked at me expectantly to continue and explain and I didn't make her wait long. "My mystery man said he loves me" I said and if my voice got an octave higher than usual that wasn't anyone's business. The Queen's face turned to shock and he almost tripped where she was walking alongside me. I tried to force a giggle down but couldn't, I was simply to elated on this day.
"He did?" her surprise showed what I already knew: Blade was a closed-up man, it wasn't easy to get him to care. I didn't even know how I had managed such a fit. I nodded excitedly and continued. "Yes, last night. We got into a big fight but then when I finally calmed down, we started talking and I told him I loved him, and he told me he did too." I expected her to be happy, at the very least excited, but against everything I had hoped for she looked heart broken. I stopped and looked at her oddly. Why was she reacting this way? She had been so supportive of our relationship so far. I couldn't quite understand. "Is something wrong?" I asked, stopping our walk.
She seemed to force the gloom from her face with a strong headshake. The success of such enterprise, however, was questionable as her following smile didn't reach her eyes, it was so plastic and unlike her. I knew what would come would be nothing but a lie. "No, of course not…" she started but as I had learned from Blade's company, my face was extremely expressive and spoke for me. "I'm glad you care so much about him. I really am." The following pause was filled with tension. I wanted to hear what was happening in her mind, but also refused to think there could be anything wrong with what had happened. "I just don't want either of you to get hurt. I just think you can't say you know each other with how little time you've spent together. You don't even know his real name; how can you speak of love? And if you happen to realize this feelings aren't real; you're going to destroy him. I don't want him to be in pain."
My arm slipped from hers in what felt like betrayal. She knew very little about our relationship and our time together. She didn't know my feelings or those his body screamed if you gave him time to show them. Blade had admitted they were friends, but they also hadn't talked in a while, not since we met. Myra was also his friend and had made it clear that she knew he cared for me deeply. She had actually seen us. That meant a lot more.
Even knowing this, her words were hitting too close to home. A fear I had been silencing for some days now had just been externalized. I didn't know his name; he didn't trust me. But that wasn't right either. He'd told me about his father's letter, his ten ear old dreams and his secret poetry. The trust he had deposited in me was strong, he'd even told me state secrets that night on the beach. Why hadn't he told me his name then? Who he was? If he was a noble or a peasant? That distrust stung like a million bees. I didn't want to think about it, wanted to remember the taste of his lips instead but hearing what I had tried to hide from myself was tainting everything in bitterness.
His love was real, I was sure of that. The problem was if his trust was too.
"Ariana, I'm sorry. I just… maybe your feelings are real, but I just don't want either of you to get hurt." The Queen was reaching for my arm, but I flinched as though I was burned by her touch. Her expression was hurt and full of guilt as her arm returned to her side. My eyes were burning with tears of doubt, of pain caused by a small gigantic secret.
"I appreciate the advice, but I know my feelings and his as well." I stated bitterly, praying that it was true. That everything had been real this far. I turned around and left to grab a cup of wine from one of the waiters. I downed it in seconds and replaced with another one immediately.
I tried to think of his words to find joy again but found nothing but doubt in them this time. If he didn't trust me with his own name, his love had to be limited. What a pain that was. My dramatic mind was coming up with the worst of cases seconds later. Had he faked his feelings to make sure I wouldn't snitch him out? No this wasn't a game, it couldn't be. And yet…
For the first time in days, I looked at what he had told me from an outside perspective. The only big war that could have happened when he was ten would be the White Witch's defeat, but everyone knew how that war had ended. He said he didn't know the outcome of the fight that had taken his father from him. It didn't make any sense. Also, there were very few humans in Narnia, how, then, could he and his siblings (which he had mentioned many times) have hidden as to not be know in the court. If he was friends with the monarchs, surely, he would have brought his family with him to the castle. Speaking of which he knew enough to use so many secrets passageways in it when they were supposed to be reserved for the royals.
There was also the matter of Myra. She clearly wasn't just his friends; she acted a lot more like a guard in fact. The thing was, everyone knew that Narnian wolf were extremely proud and didn't accept to follow someone easily. How could he have convinced her to do this for him if he was as invisible as he always pretended?
My grip on my glass tightened, I felt tension in all my body. There was only one explanation that made sense. He had lied. About everything. I didn't know if I was hurt or angry. All I knew was that I needed to talk to him. To give him a chance to fix this. I would have to be careful though. I couldn't fall to his charm once again.
I left the ballroom, followed by words of my rudeness. I had, after all, left after less than an hour without an excuse. I didn't care. Let them think, let them talk. There was only one voice I was interested in hearing that night and it wasn't theirs. I got to the balcony earlier than I had any other night. Myra was there but Blade wasn't. I looked at her with anger, I wasn't in a mood to be a victim tonight.
The wolf answered to my stare with one of her own, standing up and showing her canines. I ignored the gesture, I wanted answers, nothing else.
"Where is he?" I asked, dryly, using the same tone I had used on Blade on the first nights. It was a spoiled girl's tone and I didn't care at all. I wanted answers, I didn't want to waste my time.
"You don't command me." she growled, walking closer to me, aggression radiating off her. I didn't flinch, anger was clouding my reason and I was glad. I couldn't afford to be a scared little girl right now. The stare contest that followed would have made me retreat into my shell any other day. But not with the pure rage twisting my stomach.
"Is this a bad time?" asked Blade from the door. We turned to him in a startled mess. I tried to glare at him, but I couldn't quite manage with his calming presence all around me. He looked as beautiful as ever with his messy dark hair and warm brown eyes. That damn smirk was illuminating his face and some anger tried to leave me. I held on to it for as long as I could. Sadly, I was helpless when he walked to me and pressed his lips lightly to mine. It was a chaste kiss, unlike what we shared the night before, but he had just stated our relationship in front of Myra.
He made everything feel so real it was hard to doubt.
It took a lot of effort not to melt in his arm right that moment, to stay strong on my resolve. His feelings were real, but I still needed answers. I deserved them before I went further down the rabbit hole that was this man. I looked at Myra briefly to find her looking at us with a slack jaw and menace in her eyes. Her warnings flashed in the back of my head, but I ignored them easily, concentrating on my questions and on the arm around my waist.
"I need to talk to you. Alone." I told Blade, facing him. Bad move. The gesture brought my body impossibly closer to his and my eyes to the dark pond that were his. My breath was stolen, and warmth spread to me. I needed to focus but he made it so hard with that dear in the headlights look and his perfect body.
"Am I in trouble?" he joked, but he was gulping, a dead giveaway of his nervousness. He was letting me read him. I knew he could be perfectly inexpressive. He was putting so much trust in me. if only it was the right kind of trust. He must have seen how serious I was in my eyes because he turned to Myra and said, "Do you mind giving us a minute?"
The wolf stared at us, still in shock but eventually she left, mumbling to herself something that sounded like a sailors curse list. And it was all directed at me. Oh joy.
When the door closed behind her Blade let go of my waist, opting for standing fully in front of me with an openly concerned expression. Damn this men. I could read his love in this gestures and it was getting harder and harder to stay angry, to stay doubtful, to grip reality and leave our fairytale behind. Thanks goodness he didn't speak, for I didn't want to lose my tenue focus. He was waiting for me to make the first step. It was terrifying but finally I said what I needed.
"Alright, truth time" I stated, my voice harsher than I intended and my message more cryptic than I had hoped for. His smirk told me that, even so, I hadn't achieved the seriousness I was going for.
"What? You have a confession or something?" his tone was teasing, and finally he gave me some leverage to be mad. If he didn't take me seriously, I could be harsh. It was only when he was sweet that he rendered me mute. And worse, he expected me to have a confession. I had already told him so much. He was the one keeping secrets, the one lying. Finally, I reconnected with what I had felt after Queen Lucy's words.
"No. I want you to tell me the truth. Who are you?" I was glaring, and my voice was filled with poison. Again, that was a mistake. His expression closed off immediately and his posture became frigid. I should know by now that such treatments never worked when it came to him. if I wanted him to open up, I needed to be open myself. But I was so tired of being the bigger person. I deserved better.
"You know who I am." He went on the defensive, his arms crossing in front of his chest, his eyebrows furrowing lightly. I knew this was a hard topic for him, he was losing his cool much too fast. A part of me told me to back off, to save what we had built and go back to the silly joy of this morning, to tasting his lips and asking for that song. I stayed firm, however. I couldn't keep falling so easily. He was right about something however; he had showed a lot of who he was. It was only a part that was still missing.
"I know your personality," I admitted. His face became a sliver more opened. Could it be that I had such an effect on him? that his love wasn't as limited as I had thought? "Exactly…" he started to defend himself, but I cut him off before he could turn this around. "But you've lied to me about who you truly are." I accused and he retreated so far back into himself I felt like this was the first night all over. I wanted to stop, to save what I still could but I had already begun and if I didn't do this now I never would. I deserved answers.
"What?" his voice was an ice dagger, a weapon against my crumbling resolve. A part of me was reminded of why feared him, even if I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Still, it was like the pink veil that had surrounded me was being destroyed, torn to shreds by the edges of his personality.
"There are many holes in your story. You are friends with the monarchs, but they have never mentioned you. You are a noble of sufficient status to have a Narnian wolf as your shadow, but you talk and dress like a pauper. You know state secrets but are not part of the council. You know passageways reserved to royalty. You say you come from a different place yet the stories you tell of that place aren't even similar to things that happened anywhere in your lifetime. I want the lies to stop. Now." I explained, making a conscious effort to keep my voice steady. His expression, however, didn't stay made of stone. Betrayal shone in his eyes and I wondered what right he had to feel that way. He was the liar; I was the victim.
"I never lied to you" My only response to that was scoffing. I had just exposed him; I would not be treated like an idiot "I can't believe you're acting like this. I never lied, I even trusted you with things no one else knows. But I guess you have just been getting things you could spit in my face instead of asking me like a rational person. I thought you were different."
His tone was so hurt, I hated to cause this because it didn't matter how awful he was, I was still in love with him and his stupid edges. He thought I had done all of this on purpose, a plot to hurt him. It seemed he believed I would blackmail him, judge him over this. I felt so stupid. Nights ago I had realized that was one of his weak spots. He was terrified of people painting him as the bad guy. For the love of God, he had thanked me for trusting him enough to love him.
Seeing the pain in his eyes I knew I had messed up what we had. I had been too rough and forgotten that as harsh as he could act, he was hiding the heart of a child. It was all done for. I wanted to apologize but couldn't find it in myself to do so, I still needed an answer.
"Who are you? I asked again, voice calmer but not less insistent. I was met with bitter laugh.
"Why would I tell you? So you can go around and tell others what I trusted you with? So you can ridicule me to justify your childlike feelings? No thank you. I gave you enough material already." His accusations hurt. I had kept his secret from the begging. I had never betrayed his trust. My feelings were real, not something for him to use as a weapon in his anger.
"Well, that is a lot of trust right there." I screamed, in a harsh response to his unfair words. I never gave him any reason to think that way and would not be accused of such. My anger exploded "Look, this is very simple. You either show me I can trust you and tell me what I need to know right now, or this is over."
The ultimatum felt right, falling of my lips. Surely, if he loved me, he would talk, he couldn't afford to lose me if he really cared. It was because of this thoughts that his silence felt like a thousand knives, plummeting to my heart. He didn't even flinch when tears filled my eyes, he didn't care. I knew before that I had made a mistake, that I had played dirty, but he hadn't been any better.
I took a deep breath, trying to strengthen my resolve. I knew whatever came next would define what could happen between us, how we would part. I truly didn't want to leave behind all the discoveries we had gifted each other with. And yet, I refused to cave. I deserved the truth, I deserved to be with a man I could trust fully. The choice was clear but not less painful.
"Have a good life" I wished him with scorn, leaving as quickly as I could before my resolve could crumble.
In the door, Myra was waiting for me. I could see the menace in her eyes and spiked fur. She was about to talk, but I refused to let her. She had put me down enough times. I didn't need her help right now. "Don't worry. Your precious asshole is safe. I won't talk."
I didn't wait for a response. I didn't trust myself. I was too emotional and too angry. I didn't want this end. I didn't want any end.
Being fired up as I was, I knew that retreating to my chambers was hopeless. I could never find rest with this wave of anger all around me. I walked aimlessly, stomping my feet unnecessarily loud. Guards stared; some even made a move to ask me if I was okay. I didn't let them. Whenever anyone, noble or not, came near me I would growl from the deepest part of my throat and glared at them so strongly many flinched back. It gave me some sick satisfaction to know I could scare them. It was only when Queen Lucy approached me that I lost all sense of reason.
She had made me doubt. If it wasn't for her, I would have never confronted Blade, we would both still be happy. I knew I was shifting blame to an innocent bystander. I just needed an outlet and without thought I chose her.
"Ariana…" She started but she was cut off when my shoe made contact with her shoulder. Everyone around us gasped. I hadn't even realized I had taken it off, nor could realize what came over me to throw something to a monarch, even less so with witnesses around us. It was sure, I had just created a war. I tried to care, I didn't. My anger had left with that shoe and now my heart was breaking, shattering in so many pieces I knew no one could ever fix it. I had just given up my first love.
Guards came up to me to arrest me. My father was coming closer to stop them. I didn't care. Let them do whatever they wanted; nothing could hurt more than my heart did at this moment. I had already died. I was surprised the Queen stopped the guards with a curt sentence. She neared me again, more cautiously this time. I made an effort not to turn aggressive again. I just wasn't worth it. Nothing was.
"I'm sorry." She said. Everyone looked indignant. I had just attacked her, a women of higher rank, and she was breaking all protocol by apologizing to a woman of lesser birth. What did they care? They just wanted gossip. I looked at all of them with scorn. If people like that didn't exist, Blade would have never accused me the way he just had. "I shouldn't have gotten involved…"
"Well you did." I said, scornfully. I remembered the betrayal in his eyes, the distrust that shone in them. How I had just broken his heart. I knew the Queen cared about me, but I also knew she cared much more about the men hiding in the shadows of King Edmund's balcony, and decided to make sure she felt like we did because of her. "And now his heartbreak is in your conscience." I accused.
The Valiant gasped, and staggered back. Her siblings were at her side immediately, looking at me in disgust. How could they defend her so fiercely if they didn't defend their brother. I hated them. I knew that now. I hated them all. I hated everyone because I had no place for love left. I had renounced that just moments ago and knew that nothing could ever fix what was said. The brunette was crying silent tears. Good, let her feel what I was feeling.
"I didn't mean to." She was begging for understanding, for me to tell her that she hadn't just hurt one of her closest friends. I didn't feel any pity and, for the first time in a long time, I let my own edges come through. "But you did."
My final accusation hung heavy in the air. The object of my anger hid in her sisters arms, protected in a way that seemed unfair. She didn't have the right to be in so much pain, she had no part in our relationship. Only in breaking it.
The whole court was staring at me in anger and confusion. Even in disgust. I didn't care. They couldn't judge me. They wouldn't make me care. I glared at all of them. If they shivered it was their problem, if they feared it was their own issue. All I did was turn and leave. I walked out of the castle of pain and found myself walking in the sand of the beach. I'll never know how I found Blade's secret spot once again but as I looked and saw how small the castle was, how vast the ocean was and how insignificant I truly was, I collapsed.
I finally cried to my hearts contempt. It hurt so much, and what hurt even more was knowing that nothing could have been different. If it hadn't been today, I would have asked another night. My curiosity would have still shone through. And if by some miracle it hadn't, I would still have to leave in a short few days. It was doomed from the start. I just wished I could have seen this before the pain had come. Before I had fallen for his teasing smirk and the wonder in his eyes.
I tried to calm down, but it was useless. I was a mess. Worse was that my mind wouldn't stop. I kept playing the fight over and over in my head. The pain kept creasing as I kept painting a masterpiece in which I was the victim of an unfair world and an unfair relationship. I closed my eyes in pain and stayed that way for a long moment. It was when I was putting the finishing strokes to my canvas that I realized I had left drama take over my head.
I didn't want to, yet something made me analyze the situation and it suddenly washed over me. Perhaps it was the stars. I looked at them and saw nothing but the constellations he had thought me. Libra, Pisces, Chameleon. They were all there, looking at me with sadness. The same sadness that had been in Blade's eyes moments ago. I had turned him back to who he was on the first night. I had hurt him enough to send him back to the fear he constantly lived in.
I had wounded him, hit where I subconsciously knew it would hurt the most. I had judged him over something like a name. Sure, name's meant trust and recognition. We had discussed at the beginning of this very journey. But actions meant more than a name. He had cared, making his shadow leave his side to check on me, telling me state secrets and opening up to me. I didn't how it could be, but I was starting to think he'd told the truth about his father, the war and everything else. I just wished I could have proof to stop this doubt. To quiet the voices in my head.
I had claimed love for him and meant it. I wanted him to be fine. Problem was, I had thought those words made me his priority, his only responsibility and thought. I had forgotten that he was in the midst of a war, that he was risking his life for his Kingdom, that he had every right to care about other things. And those same problems were what were making him keep so many secrets. At least partially.
That didn't mean he was on the right, however. He couldn't claim to love me and then hide something this essential from me. It wasn't fair. I knew he was making efforts in the relationship, but he was so caught up in them he was neglecting what I needed the most.
Dawn came long before this realization, leaving me in the too warm sand. I wasn't moving, to an extent where some birds decided to use me as their resting place. I let them, numb as I was. Knowing this had to happen didn't dull the pain. In fact, I doubted anything could. I was, in fact, glad for the strong sunlight. The feeling of my skin burning gave me something to focus on. It hurt less than my chest.
I can only imagine the picture I made when the search party found me in the early afternoon. It was a group of Narnian guards. They looked at me with disgust, making me assume they were there to arrest me. At the head of them all was Oreius, the centaur that was talking to King Peter when I overheard of their troops treason. Unlike the rest of them, he looked more uncomfortable than anything else. He didn't even look mad. That didn't make sense. I had attacked his Queen. Clearly, he should hate me right now.
"Lady Maucin, please come with us." He stated, his voice that of someone who was embarrassed to catch another in a vulnerable position. I hated that he was using that voice.
"If you are going to arrest me, you might as well go ahead and execute me here." I stated. I knew it was coming and it terrified me. Even so, if it had to happen, I would rather spare my father the pain of seeing life leaving my body. His reaction last night had reminded me of how much he cared. Not that what I what wanted mattered.
The troop froze and the centaur danced on his feet, nervous. His eyes spoke of unwanted memories filling his mind and I briefly wondered what his thoughts were. "You aren't under arrest, My Lady. The Kings and Queens have asked us to escort you back. They are concerned for your safety." His words didn't make any sense. I had been awful to them, why would they be concerned? Still, it seemed I wouldn't be executed so I took his offered hand. Problem was I could barely stand. The heat had left me dehydrated. Noticing, the general helped me onto his back. I knew what an honor it was to ride such a creature and in other circumstance I would have blushed. I barely reacted.
I was taken back to the castle, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go back to yesterday. Everything had been so beautiful then. I hated this inevitable end.
To my surprise The King and Queen were waiting for me at the door, right next to my father and Rita. They looked… worried. But, why? Nothing made sense until Queen Lucy rushed to me. She still liked me. Even after I attacked her. Why? I had no time to ask, nor the energy.
"She's dehydrated." Informed the centaur. "She was in the spot in the cliffs near the beach." I became irrationally angry anyone but Blade and I knew that spot. I wanted something to stay forever ours. Something to remain in the destruction.
"I thought it was closed off" King Peter sounded worried, but his words were becoming quiet. It was then I realized I was being dragged away by the Queens, my father and Rita. I thought back to the spot. It was quite secluded and if I hadn't followed Blade's path to get there, I probably wouldn't have been able to get there with so many boulders around it. What had happened for it to be closured in such a way? It was so confusing. At least, I realized, my curiosity still lived.
I was taken to Queen Lucy's study, given food and water and pampered for hours. I felt… loved. I didn't want to feel this way without him. The young monarch babbled non-stop apologies to me. She told me she was sorry she made me run off that way and that she had ruined the beautiful feelings me and him had shared. The others in the room didn't question anything. I wondered how long that would last.
When I tried to ask why they still acted so kind to me queen Susan spoke for the first time in the day. "You lost your temper. It happens to the best of us."
"But I attacked your sister…" I started but was cut off, gently. The oldest girl truly wore her title well. I had never met anybody as motherly as she was.
"You're not the first. And honestly, the way you acted is just how Ed would have acted if he was here. That doesn't make us stop caring about him. it's the same with you." She explained. I hated how nice that made me feel. I wanted to feel miserable. To feel hated, because after last night that was what I deserved. Yet she was so calming, and I let that wash over me. But the real meaning of her words didn't go unnoticed. She cared so much because I reminded her of her brother. Not for the first time, I wished I could meet King Edmund. He sounded quite remarkable. Maybe I could kill him for putting Blade in danger.
The three monarchs stayed with me during the party in their honor, ignorant to how I was daydreaming about their brother being in pain. When had King Peter gotten here anyway? Not that it mattered too much. What mattered was that he was staying even when everything else was much more important than me. He even made a point to tell me silly stories about his sisters. I didn't know how to react, but I was happy. At least, this was safe and maybe this way I could come back to Narnia one day. Maybe if I did…
No. I wasn't getting my hopes up. What had happened with Blade was over. It was for the best. It had to be.
Sadly, everything must end. When night fell again, I was told I was still weak from dehydration and that I was to get some rest. I didn't want to leave but obeyed. I stood up with difficulty, but it wasn't physical. No, it was the pain in my chest that was rendering me useless. My Father and Rita came with me. Two guards went with us to make sure I wouldn't faint again as Maria walked the halls with me, supporting me. I arrived to my chambers and was hugged profusely by my father and my friend. I wondered how long they would keep their questions to themselves, how long until they became angry once more. I opened the door to see the silhouette of a man standing in the shadows, next to my window. He was looking to the wall, seemed dejected. One could have felt sorry for him if he wasn't in my room, in the middle of the night. The door was closed by a white blur that passed right behind us.
I froze as did maid. None of us could phantom a reason for someone else's presence here. In fear, I took a step backwards, hitting a small vase which fell and broke. The intruder was now alerted of our presence. He turned in what looked like a scene from a play. The moon finally illuminated his features. Blade. He was here. My heart jumped in excitement and broke some more. But, why was he here?
"Truth time." He announced.