Hi everyone,
First of all I want to thank the guest that's been leaving comments because every time I see them they make my day. Thank you so much. And thanks to everyone ese that's left a review.
So there's probably just going to be one or two more chapters after this one, the end is coming. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
The conversation with his siblings was interrupted when his troops had arrived. Immediately the siblings had rushed to the entrance and made sure their soldiers came in by hidden corridors as not to scare the rest of the guests. It was a terrifying sight: minotaurs, centaurs and talking animals all covered in dirt and dried blood, many only standing because their friends were helping them. Seeing them made me realize Blade was indeed in great shape for someone who'd been at war for months. Many members of the regular army had come to welcome their comrades taking the packs they were carrying and taking over the duty of being living crutches. My beloved immediately became one of such helpers and I found myself doing my best to do the same. I couldn't help but notice the distrust with which they looked at me compared to the idealization with which they stared at the young King. Such adoration wasn't present when looking at his siblings either. I knew then that it came form respect and love. He had a horrible reputation but those he trusted where willing to lay themselves down for him without a doubt. It was, to me, the best testament of his personality. I could be blinded by affection and those he didn't let close by the mystery surrounding him, but this people knew him and trusted him unconditionally and that meant everything.
At some point Queen Susan left, saying something about the guests while we stayed helping everyone get settled. I hadn't realized there'd be so many of them or how tiring this could be. One of the wort parts was seeing how tired and miserable they all looked, no one deserved to feel or look that way. What made it worse was that no one else seemed surprised by their state, was this truly the norm? But undoubtfully the most horrific part the moment one of the wounded I was helping get attention died before we reached the healers. I chocked on my sobs at that point and had to stand to the side. I had seen death before, my mother herself had died in my arms but it still left such a morbid feeling of incompetence and powerlessness. My beloved found me there many hours later and sat next to me in the bench. He didn't immediately speak which left me both nervous and grateful. I didn't really want to talk about it, but I was scared he was, after all, mad at me.
"His name was Grenig." He softly explained. I looked at him not sure if I wanted to hear. The Narnian being a stranger made it easier, but I knew that I owed to know at least this to his soul. "He was struck two weeks ago and hasn't been able to fight since. We thought of sending him back but couldn't rule out an ambush on the way back so we treated him the best we could. We all knew he wasn't going to make it days ago. His brother even asked me to kill him while we were still there to stop him from suffering more. I couldn't bring myself to. I guess I was still hoping for a miracle." I looked at him. The Narnian had clearly been pretty close to him and losing must be very painful. I took his hand in mine and he smiled tiredly at me but returned the gesture. "It wasn't your fault. Don't beat yourself over it." He told me and I couldn't believe he was still trying to comfort me when this was so much harder for him. This man truly needed to start caring for himself before protecting others.
"I'm going to be okay. Are you?" I looked for the grieve in is eyes but found nothing more than exhaustion in them. I didn't know what I expected. Desperation that he had led most of his friends in a battle that would cost lives and happiness for many of them? Misplaced guilt for their injuries? Overwhelming grief for all the lost blood? Perhaps as mix of all of them.
"Eventually." He answered after a moment of silence. He must have sensed my confusion because e told me. "So much as happened that my brain still hasn't processed the loss or the pain. Tomorrow will probably be the hardest day." His explanation made sense. So much had happened today it was normal his mind was still reeling. I wanted to tell him to go get some sleep, but I also knew he would ignore me because of his stupid pride. I looked around to realize it was over. Everyone had gone to their rooms or to get treated. Only we remained. A look around also made me realized we were in the training grounds and that the bath I had used after our shenanigans in the beach was now full of returning soldiers. I couldn't help but blush a little.
I knew then that staying ere was pointless and just a way for him to sink into despair. I needed to get him out of here soon, to distract him. "You know" I started gaining his attention from the nothingness he'd been observing. "I rally could use something to distract myself from all of this. Perhaps a walk in the gardens with some nice company will do?" I continued making him smile. It was obvious I wasn't asking for myself but for him and he seemed to appreciate it.
"That might help" he conceded and stood up, offering me his hand. I took gladly and let him lead me through corridors I didn't recognize until we were in the most beautiful gardens I had seen. They weren't the ones I had walked through with his brother nor the ones were Queen Lucy had hosted us a coupe of days ago. They were under the balcony that I recognized as the ballroom which meant we were facing the sea. As in every big estate each plant had been put in a specific position and was tended daily to keep the perfect shape they showed but when you walked closer to the edges you could see slightly overgrown ivy and some vegetation that came from the cliffs in which the palace was settled. It looked more real.
We walked, and in hand, passing other couples and friends that were enjoying the scenery. Many were looking at us with astonishment and some ladies with jealousy. I knew it wasn't because they wanted Blade for themselves but because they wished and hungered for his title. It was disgusting that they were so unwilling to see the man underneath it all. there was more to him than just being King. I hated that I knew all of them would flirt with him, but none would bother asking about his parents or teaching him the name of the stars. Before I could get lost in scowling at them I shook my head and brought my focus back to the man caressing my knuckles. He looked tired but calmer than he had in the training grounds.
"I'm sorry" I told Edmund as we walked through the gardens. Silence had stretched in a comfortable way as the afternoon sun shone on us, but guilt was eating at me. I was willing to tell his secrets, sell him to his siblings. Sure he had planned on coming back but I had taken a huge decision for him, knowing he wasn't comfortable with it. I had talked to his siblings for him, ignoring his liberty to do otherwise. My reasoning was good, but people say that the rode to Hell is paved with good intentions. I knew I had done a bad thing, that I had done him wrong. I couldn't change it and even if I could go back I wouldn't. I stood by my choice but that didn't mean he didn't deserve an apology. I wondered briefly if he even knew what I was asking forgiveness for, but his next words erased that doubt.
"I appreciate the apology, I really do, but I'm not angry." He said, not stopping guiding me around the beautifully kept flowers and trees. I couldn't quite understand. I had betrayed him horribly; I had done everything I swore I wouldn't. Only dumb luck made it, so he was ready to come back. Problem was I couldn't completely regret the idea, he needed help out there, the state of his troops had been a clear indicator, but he was a proud man. He clearly wouldn't want me meddling or to have to admit weakness.
"You're not?" I asked confused. He slowed our walk until we stopped completely in the shadow of a beautiful willow tree. He took my other hand and turned me to look at him. His eyes were the most open than it had been all day, just like they were when it was only the two of us, covered by the night, talking in his balcony. There was so much pain painting those perfect brown irises but also a sense of peace that hadn't been there before. I couldn't fathom the relief he felt being back here was. For now, he didn't have to keep seeing his subjects and friends in pain, dying for his cause. A cause, he no doubt thought came from his mistakes. Guilt is so easy to feel and so hard to get rid of. All that was written in his eyes with an underlaying feeling of love in them every time he glanced into my own.
"No." He told and suddenly the world seemed brighter, easier to manage. I didn't want to keep fighting. I wanted this beautiful comfortable feeling of knowing everything was fine as long as he was with me. Him not being angry helped me get back in that headspace. "I mean I'm not thrilled you took that decision for me, but I can see where it comes from. And if the war hadn't been over it would have been an amazing gift. My pride would have never allowed me to talk to them again without someone pushing me. I'm glad I can trust you to see those things when I can't." He continued and I knew it was true. That was exactly what had pushed me to do this in the first place, the knowledge that he needed this even if he didn't love the idea. It was good to know he understood where I was coming form. And yet…
"That is a lot of responsibility." I told him. I wanted to tease him, but it came out seriously because it was. Having to be there to show him his mistakes, fighting his pride, it seemed like a mountain had just been set in front of me. I loved him but because I did I could tell that he was a hard to deal with. He was a challenge and I loved it, yet it scared me. What if I couldn't do what he was asking me to do? What if I couldn't make him listen? He had so much power over so many people, having power over him and having responsibilities to him meant doing so with his entire kingdom.
"You don't have to take it if you don't want to." He told me, snapping me out of my thoughts. He looked a little nervous and sad and was trying to hide behind a smirk. It was cute to see him fail so miserably at it. He probably didn't have strength for facades anymore. It had been a long day after all. His face had been tilted down and he wasn't looking at me anymore, probably feeling rejected. I smiled, he hadn't understood my teasing and giving my tone when doing so I couldn't blame him. I tilted his head upwards wit a gentle hand on his cheek.
"The only reason it scares me is because I do want to take it." I told him and it was as true as my last statement. It scared me because I knew it was part of my road now. It scared me because the responsibility was already mine. Some say those that whisper in the ears of a sovereign are even more powerful than said monarch is and my time here had made me realize how absolutely true that was. Edmund was willing to listen to me and that honor came with ramification that scared me in the best of ways.
"You do?" He sounded so unsure, so beautifully young and innocent o couldn't help but smile. How could someone as smart as him be so clueless? He was so bad at receiving affection it melted my heart. He might be a warrior, but he was as fragile as glass outside of it. If anyone had any doubt I would want to show them the hope shining in his eyes in this moment.
"I want to be with you. I want to help you like you've helped me. This is a two-way street." I explained and suddenly his smile appeared brighter than the sun that would soon be setting. He looked so completely happy from something that small and it made him even more imperfectly perfect for me. Before I could tell him that he was bringing me closer, trapping me in his muscular yet soft arms. I melted against his body, happy to have him here, my anchor in the storm and if I could give him just a fragment of what he'd given me I would. No matter if it scared me.
I rested my head in chest and breathed in his scent. He smelled of war and death but beyond that I detected a hint of oak wood and forest ground. It was so undeniably him I couldn't help but smile. Night was about to fall, and we had no intention of moving. He was here, he was safe. It wasn't going to be easy, but he was here, and we didn't have to hide. I could tell everyone he was mine just like I was his and that made up for all the pain that could come. He made up for it all. Such were the thoughts I focused on and yet something darker was nagging the back of my mind. No, I wouldn't let it ruin this. Sadly our peace was interrupted by a servant I couldn't recognize approaching us with a respectful bow. I was annoyed by it but also understood that now that we weren't sneaking around anymore this would easily become the norm. He had an entire country that needed him as much as I did.
"Your Majesty, My lady. I'm sorry to bother you." He told us in a rich baritone voice. I started paying closer attention to him: it was a young faun who was dressed richly for a servant. Surely a chamberlain, then. It seemed strange, to think of Blade having a personal servant: he was simply to independent for it in my mind. But he was still a man of high status, of course he had staff to tend to him. It was just such a contrast from what I had seen I almost laughed.
"Yes, Jean?" asked Edmund with the same tone I was thinking with. It was a mix of respect for the man's task and annoyance at being interrupted. I smiled because it showed me how much being here didn't change the way he thought and acted. And I was glad. It was a well-known fact that knowing the person a monarch was and knowing the King were very different things. I was glad that fact seemed to have mostly overlooked my beloved. He hadn't moved whatsoever, still holding me as close as he could, gentle as the setting sun.
"I'm afraid I must insist in you return to your chambers to get ready for tonight's ball, my King." Explained the chamberlain, maintaining an overly polite tone that seemed to be more annoying than helpful in this situation. I found myself chuckling at the absurdity of a King being annoyed by proper etiquette and even more the idea of someone using it with this specific man. Unlike at breakfast, Edmund didn't stop to gaze at me with adoration, choosing to nod instead.
"Right, of course." He said with his most regal tone and I couldn't help but notice that even if he'd clearly polished it to perfection it still sounded wrong. Not because he'd said anything wrong or used a weird intonation. No, it was much simpler. It sounded wrong because it came from him. He wasn't regal and pompous. He was the man that could be in a perfectly civilized ambience and still sit in an armchair with his feet in the furniture, simply because he found it more comfortable. Trying to see him as a polished gentleman was just wrong on every level I could think of.
He turned to look at me with a small smile, taking a small step back. His hand cradled my face and his lips grazed the top of my head gently as he murmured. "I'll see you soon, sunshine". And then his warmth was gone. I missed instantly. He smiled at me and started walking away, looking tired once again with his slightly curved back and feet that didn't quite leave the ground without dragging.
I watched take a couple of steps before the dark thoughts I had banished during our embrace came back. The day hadn't started great and for a good reason. He could have gotten hurt when fighting his brother or caused a political uproar when attacking Prince Agash. And even beyond that he had simply attacked people. Sure, they had provoked him but that didn't excuse his actions. This side of him wasn't charming and protecting like I had first thought, it was terrifying. I knew he wouldn't lay a hand on me but that didn't make it okay.
"Ed" I called out, stopping him. He turned to look at me again with eyes that would be my doom if I wasn't careful. Jean also stopped, looking slightly put off that I was keeping him longer. "There's one more thing" I continued. Immediately the servant's face fell further for he probably knew that this would lead to a lengthy conversation and he'd be late to prepare the King. He was indeed right as with a polite nod Edmund dismissed him.
"What is it?" He asked, coming closer again. He was looking at me in the sweetest way and I realized how hard it was to reconcile this gentleness with the harshness he had showed earlier. This is how I knew he would never hurt me. That didn't make this any less important, any less my business.
"The way you attacked your brother, and Prince Agash." I explained. He immediately looked down at his shoes as if in shame. At least that made me feel better. He knew what he'd done was wrong. It a step in the right direction but I wouldn't let him hide in those feelings. I needed him to hear me. I took his chin and forced him to meet my eyes before I continued "Why did you do that? I didn't know you to be that aggressive."
And it was true. His reputation was pretty aggressive but the man I had met wasn't. Even when he was angry with me he had reasoned instead of behaving this aggressively. Yet the moment someone else came around that had all changed too fast. It scared me to think of him as someone so volatile. I oved him but I wasn't blind. His nickname was Blade for crying out loud. He was dangerous and I didn't want to be on the way of his anger if this was how he managed it.
"I try not to be." He confessed. He tried, so it meant that a part of him was this way. It scared me a little. What if it got out of hand? What could I do against that? "I used to be like that all the time when we first came here, and I've been working on keeping it under control. Sometimes, though, it gets out of hand. I'm really sorry you had to see it." His apology made it a little better but not completely. And he needed to know that.
"Ed, what you did really scared me. I understand it can be hard for you to control your temper but this part of you, I don't like it." I told him and he looked down again, clearly ashamed. "It's not about if I see it or not, it's about it being there at all. I just don't feel safe with this in the way." The more I talked, the more guilty he looked. It gave me hope that I was getting through, that he was listening.
"I'll work on it, I promise. The last thing I want is to scare you in any way. I want you to feel safe when you're with me. I swear I will do all I can to find other ways to let go of the frustration." His voice became sweet but determined. He was looking straight in my eyes, unwavering. I knew I had done the right thing but also knew this battle wouldn't finish here and more importantly, that I couldn't fight this for him. I could walk with him, but this was his battle. To think only a few days he had to tell me exactly what I was thinking now was mind blowing. Can perspective truly change so quickly? It seemed so.
"Good. I wouldn't want to have to walk away because of this." I told him. I hated that I would truly walk away if this issue continued. I deserved to feel safe with the man I gave my life too. I was accepting that he could work on this like he had accepted with my dramatic nature. Sure being dramatic wasn't as bad as hitting someone but it still wasn't fair to write him off at once for something he was willing to work on.
He smiled sadly when hearing I was even thinking about that, but it was true. I knew he understood even if it hurt him, he was good at seeing other's people vision. No wonder he was called The Just. I was glad he was willing to work on it, not just for myself and our relationship but just because it was the best for him. I felt calm with the end of this conversation, expected him to just walk away but he didn't.
"I wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave, even if worked on this stuff." He said almost shily. He was looking straight at me even if his posture was that of someone who wanted to flee. He seemed so small and vulnerable as he continued. "I'm a lot. I have issues for days and it's not your duty to fix them or me. I have horrible coping mechanisms and push everyone way. I'm a lot, Ariana, and if you want out I understand. I mean, I've been part of your life for two weeks and already uprooted so much." He was right and that's why I didn't jump to give him comfort. He wouldn't believe it and it'd been rather unfair considering he'd always been honest with me. He deserved the same back. I thought for a moment about how to best express what I wanted to say without hurting him.
"You do have horrible coping mechanisms and need to work on some stuff." I admitted. My heart broke a little when he tried to take a step back and broke eye contact, as if I had just broken up with him. I didn't take it back, I couldn't, and I did believe what I had just said. Still, I kept him close with a hand on his face. He wasn't looking at me, but I hoped he would soon and continued. "But so do I. I'm as melodramatic as it gets and turn everything into ten times more of a mess than it really is. I put this façade of being brave yet every time something happens I'm left a shivering crying mess extremely fast. For Aslan, I have the confidence of a bug. But that's okay because I know I am willing to work on it, even if it takes time. You once told me you couldn't make me confident, that I had to do so myself. You were right. I can't fix your issues and you can't fix mines but perhaps we can walk the road together. I want to walk this road with you."
He still wasn't looking at me as he countered. "Yes, Ariana but your issues aren't something that will make me live in fear of you like my temper will with you. I don't want that and neither do you. You deserve better than that and until I figure this out perhaps you should keep a distance." I was touched he wanted to protect me but also slightly annoyed he wasn't listening to me. I had just told him I wanted this and here he was acting like he was forcing this on me.
"If I stay or not is my choice, Ed. Just as much as it is yours. What you did scared me but if you're willing to work on it I can accept it because I know you'll eventually have it under control. I'm not living in fear of you because I know you wouldn't hurt me. I still think you should work on it because others too should be safe around you. The fact that I'm telling you doesn't mean I want to walk away. That is the opposite of what I want. I'm telling you this, so it won't get to that. I'm doing exactly what you thanked me for before, telling you when you are being too much." I forced him to meet my eyes as I uttered the tirade and his features softened bit by bit until he was smiling.
"I promise. I'll do everything I can to be the man you deserve" He told me, melting me again. I found myself grinning like a fool because he already was the man I needed. Wasn't that worth just as much? I saw my awe reflected in his eyes and felt like the luckiest girl alive. Until it kept growing. Soon, he was staring at me like with so much adoration I was a little uncomfortable. I couldn't see myself the way he was seeing me but a selfish part of me was glad he was capable of it; glad he saw something so special in me; glad he loved me. "How did I get lucky enough to have you?" He asked making me blush as red as the setting sun.
I don't know who moved first but son our lips were caressing each other's. The slight stubble of his two-day old beard was tickling me, and I found myself laughing in the kiss. It was comforting to have him this close. He responded to my chuckles with his own but didn't stop pressing our mouths together. It felt like we were alone in the garden and had an infinity of time instead of being late for the ball. We would have stayed this way much longer if it wasn't for someone clearing their throat close to us. I thought it was Jean again but when turning I saw my father. I was immediately pushing away from Blade blushing and sputtering all kind of nonsense.
My father wasn't supposed to see this!
Kissing was a private thing, something intimate that shouldn't be done in front of others. Oh god, who else had seen? I knew my honor was completely compromised now. How could I have let this happen in such a public place? I looked at Blade hoping to see the same panic in his features but instead found him laughing a little at my predicament. I frowned, annoyed he could be such an idiot about this.
"King Edmund. I see you have met my daughter." He said with venom dripping off every word. I could tell he was angry and how could he not: he'd seen me kissing on the cheek him this morning, us holding hands and playfully swatting the other. And now he had caught us in an extremely intimate embrace. It was only logical for him to assume more had happened and that my reputation would now be forever tarnished. Not to mention, he had already seen one Narnian King showing interest in me and then pushing me away. If Edmund did that now, everyone would think I'd been his mistress and I'd become impossible to marry.
I knew he was protecting me, but he was wrong. Edmund wasn't his brother, he wasn't leaving, he loved me too much to do so. Not that he had any way of knowing. To him, the King had suddenly appeared and was now scandal close to his daughter, without even asking his permission to court her. I didn't know what to say to make this better. If I told him of my love for him he'd think me foolish and naïve no doubt.
"I have indeed, Lord Maucin." Said the Just King. And indeed I couldn't help but refer to him that way. His spine was straight as a rod, him demeanor suddenly perfectly composed despite his messy appearance. This was the King, not the man. His calm, however, seemed to serve only to anger my father. He was glaring and if looks could kill Blade would have been no more.
"I'll have you know, young man, that my daughter is no harlot. You have no right to tarnish her reputation the way you so carelessly are, even if you are a King. I will not tolerate this degradation of my family and even less so of my daughter." His tirade was brave and beautifully protective and made me feel warm inside even if I didn't like the way he was talking about Edmund. He wasn't trying to hurt me.
"I can assure, My Lord, no one here thinks of your daughter in such a degrading way. Less of all myself. I can understand your concerns, but they are untrue. You think I only want Ariana to warm my bed, but the truth is much deeper." I blushed horribly at his statement. I knew that's what he was thinking but hearing so directly made me want to shrink. It wasn't true but it did little to stop the humiliation. "I won't deny to having kissed her, nor will I insult your intelligence by trying to convince you this was the first time it happened. However my motivation isn't sexual satisfaction but merely a show of how deep my affection is." His speech was something out of a poem and yet I wanted him to never repeat it again. It was full of beautifully sentences and a language that just wasn't like him. It felt plastic even if the sentiment behind it was real. I couldn't like it no matter the sweetness in the words.
"Don't try to fool me, boy!" spat my father as he took a threatening step toward us. I instinctively went to step back to maintain distance, but Edmund didn't move, busy staring at my father in the eye, unbothered. "I know what people like you do with woman of lesser status. You come with your pretty sentences and play with their minds until you bore of them and throw them to the streets with a bastard growing inside of them." I hated that my father thought so little of me and my decisions. I would have never let such a thing happen! I wasn't naïve or stupid! Anger was rising inside of me. How dare he think so little of me? How dare think me so dumb and so dirty as to become a mistress? How dare he?
"Is that what you think of your daughter? That she would swoop so low as to lay with a man that would abandon her with his child? Because if that's true the one painting her like a harlot is you. I love your Ariana, whether you want to believe that or not is your problem, not mine. I won't ask for your blessing in courting her because that decision is hers and not yours. However, don't be surprised if you soon find me asking for her hand in marriage. Perhaps then, you shall believe my intentions." I gasped; all anger forgotten.
Blade wanted me to marry him!
Edmund wanted me to marry him!