Chapter Two
"Ugh, why does my head feel like a giant rock?"
As his eyes adjusted to his surroundings – which was still his room in the Poison Apple Bar – he sat up. Puss felt weirder than usual like he wasn't himself, but he shook it off.
Just a very nice, long nap, he thought. Yawning, he stretched his arms and cracked his neck. Groggily, he reached up with his hands to rub his eyes when he froze.
Wait, hands? he thought, suddenly confused.
He stuck them out in front of him, staring at the now very human, tanned hands attached to his very human limbs. A strangled gasp left his throat and he reached up to wrap his hands around them as if wrangling himself.
This cannot be! This must be a dream. A very bizarre dream, he thought, trying not to panic.
Puss reached up to hesitantly touch his face: he hoped it hadn't turned human, too. He liked being a cat – that's what he was used to all his life and he never had any complaint.
Except maybe when he was interrupted one too many times during a fight because he had to cough up a hairball...or chasing lights.
That was indeed annoying.
But other than that, he was quite satisfied with being a cat.
When his unusual fingers came in contact with skin and not fur, his shoulders drooped and he stared blankly at the door.
"Oh, this is bad," he said, his voice sounding like a loud grumble in the small room. "Very, very bad."
His eyes involuntarily glanced over at the empty bottle and just as he was about to look away, something dark caught his eye. The label that was stuck on the front part of the bottle had something written on it.
With a finger, he attempted to tear it away from the bottle. It was quite hard, considering he was used to paws and claws.
What was worse, was that he couldn't peel it off at all.
He growled under his breath.
These useless sticks for fingers! They are of no use at all, he yelled to himself, grinding his teeth. After several tries, he managed to pry the label away and flipped it around.
Puss read the vague description on the label out loud.
"Transform yourself from bleak to beauty for your Forever After with a beautiful princess of your own. Let your worries be gone with just one sip."
He then squinted as much as he could with his useless, human eyes to read the tiny words at the very bottom:
'WARNING: Potion only lasts subject for one week. Failure to obtain true love's kiss by the end means subject will be forever stuck in the changed body. Good luck.'
He growled, chucking the label on the floor. He could not believe that someone as intelligent as him could get involved with something as ridiculous as a love potion! How was he supposed to find a princess?
And true love? That seemed to be the only solution to anything in Far Far Away.
Where was he possibly going to find true love, anyway? He liked his bachelor, flirtatious lifestyle.
It gave him freedom.
I am a solo gato, he thought, scoffing. I do not need true love to confine me forever.
Puss narrowed his eyes at the empty bottle that had gotten him into the very predicament.
"Why is it that only true love and princesses can solve these problems!?" he exclaimed to himself in the empty room. He then buried his head in his hands, annoyed at all the skin he could feel.
He felt utterly exposed and naked, more so than he did when he was a cat. His body stiffened, suddenly. He looked down only to squeal at all the skin that was exposed.
He was naked! The only thing that was remotely similar to his cat self was the black Corinthian boots that he had on and the cavalier's hat that he was so fond of.
Other than that, he had no clothes to cover himself. Taking off his hat, he covered the part that needed to be...hidden the most.
Puss let out a relieved sigh; he was glad he was a male – cat or not. The only thing he had to properly cover was under the table.
What he was most curious about was his face. He wanted to know how good he looked – what could he say? He was a curious cat.
But unfortunately, there weren't any mirrors around.
All of a sudden, the door opened and Doris emerged. As soon as her eyes settled on his figure, her jaw dropped and she adjusted the tray she was holding to be placed beside her head. Puss sighed to himself.
This could not get any worse, he thought, annoyed.
"Who are you and what have you done to Puss?!" Doris questioned, grabbing the tray she was holding flat against her face. "And why are you naked?!" She was getting ready to throw the silver platter at him if he even moved a muscle.
He, however, was not in the mood to get pummelled and went to put his 'hands' up beside his head in a surrender stance, when he went against it. He had to hold the hat against the thing that was dangling and he didn't want to drop it to find out what Doris' reaction would be.
"Doris, it is I, Puss-"
"You's lyin'! Puss is a cat!"
"Well, yes, that is what I'm trying to explain. I think perh-"
"I don't know what you did to him but you better get your handsome, naked butt out of here before I hurt you," Doris threatened, one drawn eyebrow twitching with what looked like anger.
He raised an eyebrow. "Do not be ridiculous, woman! I said I am P-"
Before he could get a word through, the silver tray suddenly filled his line of vision. It was sailing right at him and just before he was knocked out cold, a meek meow left him.
Puss woke up, head hurting and ears ringing. He groaned as he tried to get up. It proved to be a difficult task, considering he wasn't used to walking or standing with human legs. They wobbled for some time as he tried to stand up but once he got them to stop, he worked on trying to get his vision to adjust.
Blinking a couple of times seemed to work and he looked around, only to see that he was now behind the Poison Apple Bar.
It was clear that he had been kicked out by Doris and he sighed, dejected. His shoulders drooped and he looked down to see that he was still naked. With a more feminine scream than he would have liked, he raced to the woods and hid behind a bush.
Now, I wait for an unsuspecting person to come past and I shall rob them of their clothes! He chuckled to himself mischievously, revelling in his plan. Just then, a carriage bound by and grabbing a nearby rock, Puss chucked it at the driver.
It wasn't his best plan, but he was desperate.
Seeing him fall over, he quickly raced over with his long and sturdier legs (than he liked) and tore off his clothes like a maniac. As the people in the carriage got out to see what the commotion was about, Puss ran back into the bush to change quietly.
He let out a few deep breaths, eyes wide. As he quickly got dressed into what he could only describe as 'ugly human clothes', he scurried deeper into the woods and to the only people he knew who could help.
He can help a cat in need! he thought as he tip-toed to Shrek's swampy home. Well, I am now a man in need. He cracked his head from side to side before letting out a gulp.
He was a brave cat, but now that he was in a body that was not his, he did not know what to do. For once, Puss in Boots was speechless.
He reached up to knock on the door when his eyes took the sight of the hand that belonged...to him. He blinked and couldn't help but stare.
This is...this atrocity is a part of me, he couldn't help but think in disgust. But perhaps it could be worse. I could be on my own!
Puss scoffed when he thought of it. He knew that Shrek and Donkey would help him out in need.
In confidence, he knocked on the door with a hand, something that he was still not used to, and waited. The door opened to reveal a grumpy Shrek – the usual.
"Donkey, I already told you I ain't inte-" Shrek's voice trailed off as he stared at the peculiar ginger-haired, green-eyed man in front of him. "Uh, who are ya?"
Puss cleared his throat, straightening his shoulders. "Boss, it is I, Puss!"
Shrek stared at him for a few seconds before he let out a huge burst of laughter.
"Oh my—Puss?! The cat?! You?!" He bent down, holding his knees as he laughed.
Puss, on the other hand, was far from amused. He stared blankly at the dying ogre in front of him.
"Yes, it is me."
"Last time I checked, Puss was a cat and, I'm sorry to burst your insane bubble, but you, are not."
"I too am very well aware of that! Boss, can you not distinguish me from my voice?!"
Shrek rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, sure. You sound like every other Spanish person in town".
He then dragged Puss towards the swamp bath just outside his door.
"What are you doing?"
"Just take a good look at yourself, will ya?" He forced Puss' head down to look at his reflection.
"Well, I—woah," he cut himself off when his eyes met with the reflection. He was looking at his...quite handsome human self in the dirty, swampy river. He was part surprised that he could even see his reflection in the revolting muddy swamp, but the majority of him was more surprised at how good he looked.
I should not be so surprised. They call me a ladies cat for a reason, he thought. I suppose I am now a ladies man, too.
He reached up to touch his dishevelled ginger hair that shone golden in the sun, revelling in the silky texture. His eyes were green – their natural colour, but the feline touch was gone. The usual slit was not there, except replaced by the more...what say, human pupil.
"Would you stop admiring yourself?"
"What?" Puss asked innocently, looking up at an annoyed Shrek. "I am quite handsome, you know."
Shrek just gave him a hard stare in response, and he put his hands up in surrender.
"I am only stating the facts!" Puss shook his head, trying to focus on the task at hand. "Look, boss, something has happened to me. I drank this special milk that turned me into-"
"Special milk?" Shrek clenched his jaw and ran his huge, green hands down his face. "You've gotta be kiddin-ugh, look, I'm not in the mood for any jokes. Go find someone else to annoy."
As Shrek turned around to stalk off, Puss ran to stand in front of him, stopping him.
"Boss, you must listen to me! I am your friend, Puss!" By now, he was getting desperate. He even went as far as to meow, but it didn't work as well as it would have if he was an actual cat.
Shrek only looked at him as if he had grown two heads.
This is a disaster, he thought, distressed.
He hadn't thought of how the others would react to his new body.
Nevertheless, he continued. "We helped save Fiona and the other princesses. I was sent to kill you by the rich king. Well, now he is dead, but that is not the poin-" He stopped himself, clearing his throat at the look Shrek was giving him.
"Everyone in this land knows about that."
Puss growled and swore in Spanish under his breath but let out a deep breath. "Okay, no problema, boss. I shall prove to you that I am Puss and then you shall see!"
"Oh yeah? Well, then go 'head." Shrek leaned down with narrowed eyes. Puss always knew Shrek was huge, but now that he was human and much larger than his cat form, he didn't seem so gigantic and intimidating.
"Oho, I shall, boss." Puss chuckled mischievously; this should work.
It always did.
He reached up to take off his hat and held it up to his chin. He then stared up at Shrek with an innocent, wide-eyed expression, accompanying it with a pout.
Ha! This should teach him not to me-
"Wow, and here I thought you couldn't get any creepier but now ya tryna steal his trademark too? You really have outdone yourself," Shrek said, reeling back in disgust.
"W-what?!" Puss spluttered, dropping the hat on the ground. "That is my trademark! It is no one else's but mine!"
"Look, kid-"
"Kid?" Puss exclaimed, offended. After placing his hat on his head, he pointed a finger at Shrek in defiance. "I am no kid, amigo! I am a man!" He paused for a second. "Well, I am a cat that got turned into a man so I am technically a man-cat-"
"I don't care what you are!" Shrek bellowed. "Get outta my house, ya rotten kid!"
Before he could try and argue or convince Shrek, the latter picked him up as if he as a sack of potatoes and chucked him away from his house. Puss landed on his butt, luckily, but groaned, the pain much greater than if he was to fall like a cat.
"This cannot get any worse," he grumbled to himself, dusting his hat and fixing the feather before placing it on his head. He sighed and sat on the ground, staring at nothing before putting his face into his hands.
What am I to do now that—wait, he cut his thought short when he recalled the paper he had read earlier that day. It had said that the spell would be broken if he got a kiss from a princess.
Puss smirked. And I am Puss! No woman can resist me!
He went to stroke his whiskers when he came into contact with naked lips instead. With a yelp, he took his hand away from his mouth and shook his head.
If he was to be a believable human, then he would have to get used to his body and take control of the new situation. With a boost of confidence, he stood up and dusted off his bottom. It would be easy to find a princess in Far Far Away.
The place was filled with them and all he had to do was get one to kiss him.
This is going to be a piece of cake! he thought, chuckling to himself as he walked towards his destination.