Season 1 Episode 13: Ford Vs Bronze

Episode Summary: Ford decides that he needs to learn to be a real man! Unfortunately he chooses a horrible teacher to show him how.

Author's Note:Here we are again my faithful readers, as promised I'm doing better at updating my stories for you guys.

Disclaimers: I do not own Gravity Falls or the Relativity Falls AU

Fun Fact: I almost made it to where everyone tried to get Mabel a date, but I decided she needed a friend more than some guy especially with her dating history.

Anyway, thank you for reading and please review!

Yours Truly, RoxieDivine

Ford Vs Bronze (Part 1)

It was another hot one in Gravity Falls and after yesterday's failure on finding the elusive Hide Behind, Stan decided that the group needed a little pick me up. Especially Ford who was a little more than just bummed out.

"It's the candy monster all over again." Ford whined despite himself. "It's like every time I find something the Author hasn't discovered yet it slips through my fingers."

"Don't dwell on it." Heather told him as they took their usual seats at the Greasy's Dinner.

"Yeah besides any adventure you can walk away from with all your limbs is a good adventure." Fids said. "At least that's what my dad says." He added.

"I'm telling you bro, just got to relax." Stan assured him. "We'll catch our big break soon enough." He assured them.

"You're right." Ford realized with a smile.

"Of course I am." Stan bragged. "Now let's eat I'm starving."

"Shouldn't we wait for your Aunt?" Fids asked. "She is paying for us right?"

Suddenly Heather's phone beeped. "Well she was." She said reading the incoming text message. "But now she says she's gotten held up because some Yahoo won't make up his mind about a shirt."

(Back at the Mystery Shack…)

Grauntie Mabel does her best not to groan in frustration as the most indecisive man in Gravity Falls browsed her store.

Tyler Cutebiker could never make up his mind about anything, unfortunately this was not the only thing annoying about him. "I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that's in the spirit of the season?"

"Christmas stuff in the middle of summer break?" Mabel asked.

"Yes." Tyler said.

Mabel looked around the room, she really wanted to join the boys for breakfast, but that wasn't happening. "Not in less you want to pretend this basket of broken glass is crystals." She says as she presented him with the bowl of "crystals" on the counter.

"Uhhhh." Tyler looks unsure, and then something else catches his eye. "Ooh! What is that new thing?" He pointed off to the left before running over to it.

Mabel rolled her eyes. 'We never have anything new.' She thought to herself.

"Ma'am?" Tyler says while pointing at a fur trout. "Do you have this in another animal?"

Mabel's eyes widen. "When did we get that?" She asked as if Tyler knew.

Tyler shrugs and turns to the left to see an assortment of shirts. He picked up two and tried to decide which one to get…tried being the key word. "Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt, panther shirt." He says as he looks from one to the other, he then pauses for a really long time before continuing. Puma shirt... panther shirt."

Mabel allowed herself to drop her head on the cashier counter in utter defeat, at this rate she would have to make this guy a cot so he could spend the night. "Just my luck." She thought before pulling out her phone.

Not gonna make it, sorry. She text before putting the phone back in her pocket as Tyler continued to switch from shirt to the other.

Mable sighed, it was going to be a long day.

(Back To the Mystery Gang…)

"And now she's not coming all together." Heather said as she got the new text.

"What!" Stan shouted. "But we're hungry!"

"Hungry" Ford and Fids echoed in a zombie like tone.

Suddenly they were approached by a waitress, one they had never seen before. "Welcome to Greasy's Diner! What would you like?" The voice threw Ford off and caused him to jump in his seat a bit. It was far too deep to naturally belong to a woman.

Heather however seemed unfazed by this and looked through the menu, "Hey, Grenda!" She said. "You do split plates, right?" She asked hopefully.

Grenda nodded.

"Great! We'll all split a one-fourth of the number seven."

Grenda writes this down and walks off.

"But Heather I want my own pancakes." Stan complained.

"Stan I only have enough for one meal." Heather said. "I'm not made out of money you know!"

"Aww." Stan looks defeated.

Ford looks over Fids shoulder to sees a Manliness Tester by the front door. "Don't worry guys, pancakes are on me. I'm gonna win some by beating that manliness tester."

"Manliness Tester?" Stan scoffed.

"Beating?" Heather asked.

"Yeah." Ford said, which caused both Heather and Stan to burst out laughing.

"He says he's... he says he... HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!" Stan couldn't even finish the sentence.

"What? What's so funny?" Ford asked.

"Oh, no offense Ford," Heather said. "But you're not exactly Manly Mannington!" She giggled.

"Hey, I am too "Manly... Manny" or whatever it is you said." Ford said. "Tell them Fids."

"Well…" Fids avoided eye contact.

"You don't think I can do it either?" Ford asked somewhat stunned...

"Look, bro you got to face the music. You got no muscles, you're the brains and I'm the bronze. Plus you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's...Incident." Stan reminded him.

"What happened last Tuesday?" Heather asked.

Ford suddenly had a flash back to the day in question he's in the bathroom wearing a towel and singing at the mirror with a comb as the microphone. "Disco girl...coming through...that girl is you..."

When Stan suddenly walks in.

"DON'T COME IN! DON'T COME IN!" Ford screamed.

Stan's laughter pulls Ford out of the flashback and he gives his brother the sternness warning look he can muster. "Tell them and I will murder you!" He warned.

Stan just laughed. "Better let me handle this one bro." He told him.

"NO!" Ford shouted. "I'm plenty masculine. You see this chest hair?" He asked pulling down the collar of his shirt for them to see only to show his bare chest which shines very brightly.

"Put it away, put it away!" Heather screamed, blocking her eyes.

"It burns!" Stan cried.

Ford sighed as he drops his hands. "Aw man..."

Stan and Heather burst out laughing again.

Ford ignores them and goes up to the manliness tester, "Alright, Ford," he spoke out loud to himself. "Time to manhandle this… man handle…" he didn't understand why some people were chuckling after he said that, but he took a big breath and tugged on the handle at hard as he could. It landed on 'wimp', and a card came out of the machine that read, 'You are a cutie patootie!'

"What! Ford exclaimed. "There is no way I'm a cutie patootie!" He laughed it off nervously. "This thing is obviously broken guys."

"Outta my way!" Tough Girl Wendy pushed Ford aside to try the game.

"I-It's broken," Ford warned her.

Wendy ignored him, cracked her knuckles, and, with minimal effort, she made the machine automatically go to 'Manly Man'. The game exploded, and it rained pancakes in the cafe, giving everyone a free breakfast, "Yes! Pancakes for everyone!" She yelled.

"Wow Danny's mom is so awesome." Stan said.

The people in the restaurant applauded for Wendy, while a pancake landed on Ford's head, he sighed before daring to look over at his friends. They were all cheering on Danny's mom, and had seemed too forgotten about him.

'They probably think I'm a wimp now.' He thought. He clenched his knuckles in anger. "I'll show you," he pointed to everyone else in the diner. "I'll show you all!" He ran to the exit, and strangely tripped over a beaver. He gets back up with a huff and left, slamming the door shut behind him.

Heather bit her lip. "Maybe we were too rough on him." She realized.

"Nay." Stan said. "He's always like this."

"Really." Fids asked.

Stan nodded. "He's just jealous that I'm the tough one. He won't be gone long, you'll see,"

"I hope you're right." She said as Mabel finally showed up.

"I can't believe I actually got out of their in my life time." She said as she sat down. "Where's Ford?" She asked.

"Going out to prove he's a man." Stan said.

"A man?" Mabel asked.

"Long story." Stan told her.

"And getting longer by the minute." Fids added.

"Well I'll knit him a sweater, that'll make him feel better." Mabel said.

Stan gives her a weird look. "Grauntie Mable do you have any friends?" He asked suddenly.

Mabel paused to look at him, "That's an odd question. Now why would you ask that?"

"Well…all I ever see you do in your free time is…well knit."

Mabel huffed, "I'll have you know that I do have friends. I just don't have any in my age group is all."

"Why not?" Fids asked. "You seem nice to me."

"It's nothing." Mabel said, looking insecure as she crossed her arms. "End of discussion."

"Beginning of discussion!" Stan retorted. "Grauntie Mabel, we're going to get you a friend!"

She sighed, "Why, again?"

"Because nothing is stronger than the power of-" Stan began.

"Friendship?" Heather asked.

"No." Stan said. "My drive for victory, duh!"

Heather rolled her eyes. "Well since I'm the only other girl at the table I think you'll need my help to reach victory."

"Fine." Stan said. "Fids you're helping too."

"I am?" Fids asked, and then when Heather gave him a stern look he added more confidently. "I mean I AM!

"Great!" Stan said. "Let's get started."

Meanwhile, Ford was walking down the street, feeling humiliated about what just happened at the diner. How could his friends make fun of him like that? And how could Stan! He knew how sensitive he was. "It's not fair," he mumbled. "Just because I have brains doesn't mean I can't be a man."

It didn't help that he saw two of Danny's friends, Ed and Daryl, running around a broken fire hydrant with their shirts off nearby. He wasn't paying attention to where he was going, and he accidentally bumped into a woman dressed in a scout uniform.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she apologized. The woman held up a letter. "I was looking for the mailman."

"Oh, what? Are you saying I'm not a 'male man'? Is that what you're trying to say?" Ford asked angrily, completely misinterpreting what she was saying. "I'm not male? I'm not a man? Is that-" he sniffled, "is that what you're telling me?"

"Are you crying?" She asked.

Ford tried not to cry, but he felt the tears coming. Ashamed by this, he ran away, until he stopped deep within the woods. It took a while for him to calm down, and when he did, he took another look at his chest, still as hairless as ever. He sighed, "What am I going to do?" His stomach grumbled, and Ford remembered that he hadn't eaten breakfast yet, so he pulled out a bag of beef jerky from the pocket in his jacket. On the bag, it read, 'You're inadequate'. Ford sighed again, "You aren't the first to tell me that, bag of beef jerky. I need help."

Suddenly the ground beneath him began to shake. At first, Ford thought it was an earthquake, but then he heard a loud roar following it. A vast array of animals, including several pixies and gnomes, were either flying or running away in the same direction. Ford ducked in fear, and a tree fell dangerously close to him. He looked in front of him to see a silhouette of a large creature. He screamed, "PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

-To Be Continued