Four am came quickly, far too quickly for time to pass when a child was missing.
The 16th hadn't stopped moving, and there was a constant hum of chaos in the background. An Amber Alert had been sent out and the shrill ringing of the phones had only worsened Olivia's headache.
Too much damn wine earlier. She chastised herself as she tried to focus on the street security camera footage that they had pulled from the school, and other areas nearby.
Amanda was seated across from her, her brow furrowed as she glanced between the computer and the notepad in front of her. She had taken charge of Rory's subway card history in an attempt to find repeat excursions beyond his every day transit to and from school.
Rory's computer had been transferred to TARU, and an attempt had been made to track his cell as well. So far every call they'd received had concluded with a dead end, and they'd discovered Rory's phone had been turned off or dead since about 9 pm the night before.
It all seemed useless in Olivia's tired aching mind. She wasn't used to feeling so drained, so empty of hope and determination.
It'll get better once I interview his friends. She kept telling herself. Once I get out on the street. Once I do something besides just sit here and -
"I'll have to talk to Rory's mom again." Amanda commented, snapping Olivia's out of her drifting thoughts.
She flinched, realizing that her head had grown heavy, and her eyes had failed to open again once she'd closed them for some relief from the headache. Amanda's tense expression was blurry in her vision as she forced her eyes open and rubbed the heels over her hands over her dry lids.
"I need to get her input on these locations." Amanda continued, although Olivia hadn't replied.
She wasn't used to spending so much time with Amanda either. In fact, she'd avoided working so closely with her as much as possible in the past few weeks, and the bitter feelings in her heart resisted any change to that pattern.
Their conversation in Rory's bedroom had upset the careful balance, and she'd felt herself slip. Amanda being gay changed nothing, she'd told herself. She could have compassion for her struggles in that area of her life without liking her as a person. The problem was she hadn't felt any compassion for her at all until this moment, and realizing that she had dehumanized another woman in her head forced the ugly sickness of self hatred into her chest so deeply that she could not shake it.
There was nothing she wanted more right now than to escape from this precinct, this woman, this job that made her so intensely self aware of how she viewed other people and herself; but she couldn't. There was a child missing, a confused kid who didn't know where to go. Surely, that had to be more important to her than her own comfort. At least, it always had been in the past.
"Hey, it looks like you could use a pick me up." Amanda said, jarring her once more.
She glanced up at Amanda's wrinkled brow, and deep, cerulean gaze, feeling a knot form in her throat. She didn't know why the younger detective wasted even so much as a breath on her, or why her efforts to seclude herself from Amanda hadn't been as efficient as she had hoped, and now she wasn't even sure that she wanted to drive her away.
"Sure." She finally muttered, pressing her fingers to her temple and directing her eyes back towards the screen.
Anything to get you away from me.
The display seared her throbbing retinas, but she gazed steadily forward, praying that Amanda would walk away from her, even for just a moment.
"We could both use some caffeine." Amanda agreed, pushing back from the table.
Olivia cringed at the sympathetic tone, and kept her head down as Amanda passed her. She didn't see the pass of Amanda's fingers over her arm coming, and she flinched breathlessly at the casual touch. She involuntarily pulled her elbow in, glancing over her shoulder wotht a sharp reproach on her tongue, but Amanda's back was already retreating into the sea of detectives crowding the precinct. A curse sputtered to life on her tongue, but she bit it back with clenched fists and jaw.
Spinning back towards the screen, she fought the inexplicable tears which stung her eyes.
I'm just underslept. Overworked….Need to go home and sleep… She resolutely told herself, pressing her eyes shut for a moment.
Her moistened lashes fluttered open when her phone pinged from her pocket, alerting her of a new message. Sniffing back the tears, she fished out her cell, and unlocked the screen. She expected a message from Fin or another detective, but when she read the name on the notification, her stomach dropped.
1 new message
Elliot: You called?
Time slowed, dragging out the hum of voices around her into white noise in her ears. She felt each thud of her heart like a hammer swinging against her ribs with every intention of breaking through the bone and flesh. She couldn't even draw the smallest breath for what felt like agonizing minutes until she was able to compute the shock. Then the emotions cascaded down, one giant avalanche which threatened to bury her forever.
The intense urge to jump up and smash her phone screen against the table overwhelmed her, and jarred up for her seat. The rolling computer chair tumbled over behind her with a crash, and she stood trembling, fighting the violence with clenched fists and tears welling in her eyes.
Now?! Now he wants to talk? So fucking casual? How dare he-
"Liv?" Amanda's voice shattered her the angry tirade raging in her mind.
The static quieted in her head, and she became acutely aware of the tremble in her hand, the tears brimming in her eyes, the feeling of dozens eyes boring into her back.
"Are you okay?" Amanda whispered, inching closer to her.
Olivia glanced over at her, at her wide, blue eyes and the coffee cups in both her hands.
She pursed her lips hard, flicking her gaze towards either side of them where the other detectives were slowly returning to their work.
"I'm fine…" She whispered at last, her voice quaking and raspy.
Turning, she righted the chair with shaking hands, and retrieved her coat from the back of it. Her mind was spinning as she shoved it onto her arms, and pocketed her phone.
"What are you doing?" Amanda questioned.
"I have something I need to do." Olivia replied, tossing her hair over her collar and buttoning the coat with barely controlled motions.
"Now?" Amanda asked, her brow furling as her gaze followed the mountain of work that lay before them. "What about the case? We've got a missing kid, Liv."
"I'll be back." Olivia insisted through gritted teeth, finally meeting Amanda confused gaze. "I don't need a fucking guilt trip right now, Rollins."
"Well, you need something." Amanda snarled suddenly, her cheeks flushed in an indignation that Olivia found far too self righteous.
"You know, Rollins, if I cared for what you thought I would've asked." She hissed before she could stop herself.
"Maybe you need a kick in the ass." Amanda ground out, slamming the coffee cups down on the table. "A good old fashioned ass whooping."
"Oh, don't you wish you could lay a finger on me?" Olivia breathed, stabbing her finger in Amanda's face.
The younger woman's face shifted into shock as the red flush of anger on her cheeks bled into the bloom of humiliation. Her mouth trembled open as though she wanted to speak, and Olivia imagined it would've been some kind of denial. Whatever she meant to say never came, and the look of horror in her eyes only became more clear with each passing second.
Oh God, you wish you could touch me. The realization passed through Olivia's mind with all the force of a speeding train.
She'd been so focused on Elliot that she hadn't realized that she'd inadvertently taken a dig at Amanda's sexuality and subsequently uncovered an underlying attraction. She felt her own cheeks begin to burn, and she quickly averted her eyes from Amanda's.
"Like I said... I'll be back." She managed to rasp out.
Snatching up one of the coffee cup, she spun towards the exit.
"Hey," Amanda called after her, her tone steely.
Olivia turned, narrowing her gaze to hide the shock that was still throbbing through her.
"You might need this." Amanda said, digging in her pocket.
Olivia flinched when Amanda tossed a small, white object towards her. She barely caught it, and threw Amanda a glare before she opened her palm to see the word SUGAR on the little packet.
Amanda's tone was sweet with sarcasm, and she offered Olivia a tight smile tainted with the same underlying barb, "For the bitterness."
xxxxxx
Come on, don't make make me do this to you….
Amanda stared at Olivia's empty chair, biting at one nail as the clock turned to the next minute for what felt like the hundredth time. In reality, it had been 35 minutes, and for all of those, she'd barely been able to think of something else aside from Olivia's sudden departure.
After the anger and embarrassment had dulled to a low throb in her chest, she'd realized that she should tell someone that Olivia had gone AWOL. She'd even risen from her chair, intending to find Captain Cragen and inform him that his best and brightest had disappeared into the night without so much as a word to where she was going. For ridiculous and far too emotional reasons, she'd sat back down, knowing what Olivia would face should Cragen know she'd abandoned ship in the middle of a missing child case. She'd convinced herself to give Olivia five minutes, then ten, then twenty…
Amanda was not a woman of second chances. She rarely gave someone a chance to begin with, and as each minute passed, she became increasingly frustrated and confused with herself for allowing this woman to hit her at the knees so efficiently. She'd found a perfect opportunity to retaliate, and yet she passed it up, somehow willing to extend a third and fourth chance to someone who would hardly appreciate it.
"Hey, Rollins."
Amanda started at Fin's salutation, jerking upright in the chair as he strode across the room towards her. He was balancing a laptop in one hand, and a perplexed frown marked his brow.
"What's up?" Amanda asked, struggling to even out her tone as her heart still raced.
"You know this computer stuff, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure." She replied, pushing back her own laptop and notes.
"Okay, I just spoke with TARU." He said, setting the laptop down in front of her. "They're combing through Rory's online accounts and they found a chat group that he's on pretty much 24/7."
"Chat group?" She asked, leaning forward as her interest piqued.
She pulled the laptop closer, her eyes narrowing upon the display.
"Something called Discord." Fin added.
"Flower boys." She murmured.
"Huh?"
"The name of the group." Amanda pointed towards the top of the screen. "You wanna take a stab at what that means?"
"Is that some kind of code for gay?"
"I'm guessing." Amanda said, chewing her lip as she scrolled through the messages. "He's replying to this user named yurilover123 a lot. Let me see how far back this goes."
Fin straightened, silent for a moment as she scrolled through messages, before he asked, "Where's Liv?"
Amanda halted for a second, and her gaze inadvertently flicked towards the empty chair across from her.
"Um…" She breathed, caught in indecision for half a terrifying second before she blurted out, "Bathroom. She said she'd be right back."
She pinned her eyes back on the screen, hoping that Fin would take the explanation without question. As much as she liked him, she barely knew him and how much she could trust him with.
You barely know Olivia either. She reminded herself with biting self derision. Why the fuck are you covering for her?
She clenched her jaw, and focused her eyes on the screen, relieved that Fin had not inquired further. She released a low, controlled breath, and continued to scroll while she waited for her heart to stop pounding.
"It looks like they first connected a little over a month ago." She said, directing the conversation away from Olivia and back to Rory's online life. "You know, Olivia and I thought maybe he ran off with another boy."
"With somebody he met online a month ago?" Fin questioned. "Kids these days..."
"He feels alone. Like no one understands…" Amanda murmured, scrolling back down through the messages. "And sometimes when you meet someone it feels like they turned all the lights on…"
Fin quieted and she could feel his eyes on her. Nearby, one of the hotline phones began to ring, shrill and sharp, and his presence hovered for a moment before he strode back across the room to answer the phone. She breathed out heavily when he was gone and covered her face with her hands. Her eyes were throbbing and she rubbed them hard, wishing she could scrub away the thoughts that lay behind them.
"Amanda!" Fin's sudden shout startled her, and tore her hands from her face.
He had the phone in his band, covering the speaker with one fist, a frown twisting his brow. She jumped up from the chair, her heart racing with apprehension as she neared him.
"What is it?" She whispered, breathlessly.
"Mercy General." He replied, plunging fear even deeper into her chest. "It's Rory."