There'd been times over the past month that Amanda has intensely wished that Olivia Benson did not exist in her universe, and moments where she'd believed she'd be much happier without the other woman in her life. After the Rory Halstead case, she'd thought that those feelings would only intensify. It only taken one drink at a bar and one week of separation to bleach that imagination from her mind.
She was shocked at how quickly she'd subconsciously forgiven Olivia for what she'd deemed the unforgivable, and despite her and Olivia's rocky start, the week of Olivia's suspension dragged on, unbearably slow. Her absence meticulously carved holes into Amanda's every thought, and dug it's way to her heart. She'd find herself glancing towards Olivia's desk, expecting to see here there; or pick up the phone with the intention of asking her opinion on some piece of evidence or another. As much as she loathed to admit it SVU was not the same without Olivia Benson.
She could not put her from her mind, and the more she tried to stop thinking about it, the worse it became. She mulled over her and Olivia's conversation in the bar for what felt like a hundred times, trying to find the moment where Olivia had accepted her olive branch of hand holding, but she couldn't. She knew she was deluding herself. That short intertwining of their fingers may be the first and last time she was ever so close to Olivia, and she should be happy with the apology and explanation of her behavior.
A professional relationship should be enough, she told herself. Anything more would be a foolish daydream.
Still, the day that Olivia was scheduled to return to work, Amanda found herself especially motivated to clock in. She arrived early, two cups of coffee balanced on the cardboard tray. She'd picked up the drinks from a cafe down the street that she knew Olivia frequented, and after tasting her own, she deduced that she had excellent taste.
She placed Olivia's drink on her desk, and took a seat, her heart racing shallowly in her chest. The last time she'd gotten coffee for Olivia they'd ended up at each other's throats with Olivia landing a far too poignantly placed barb right in her jugular.
Oh, don't you wish you could touch me? The sound of Olivia's voice and the flushed, incensed look upon her face was intimately seared into Amanda mind as was the following expression of shock as they both felt the impact of those words.
Yes, yes I do… The honest truth would never see the light of day, but as Amanda watched Olivia's desk that morning, she imagined what might happen if it did.
Her mind wandered away from her to an alternate universe where Olivia was trapping her against the wall, her body and warm and plush, ripe for tasting. Her breath would be sweet and minty, her lips pink and hungry; and when her fingers slipped down the front of Amanda's jeans it would be the most gentle torture she'd ever felt, the most intense pleasure she'd-
"What's this?"
Amanda started, gasping aloud as Olivia's brash tone interrupted the explicit scenario galavanting through her mind, unbridled. She nearly knocked over her cup of coffee in the midst of the scare, her heart pounding until her cheeks were burning red.
"Christ." Amanda cursed, breathlessly, clutching her chest. "You scared me."
Olivia brow rose as she took in Amanda's reaction with a bemused expression.
"I didn't mean to." She replied as she laid her coat of the back of her chair, and sat down.
Amanda's heart barely slowed as she regained her composure enough to inspect Olivia's appearance. The sight of her felt like water on a parched mouth - or in Amanda's case, a much different set of hungry lips. The cowl neck of the beige, cashmere sweater hung in low, shifting folds just above her breasts, teasing Amanda's mind as though Olivia had put it on just for her. Her long, voluminous hair was barely contained in the clip at the back for her head, and the tousled tresses were already escaping the teeth. With one little pinch of the hair piece, every strand would come tumbling down around her jaw and neck-
"What's this?" Olivia repeated, startling Amanda with the same words a second time.
"Um, I… They accidently gave me two." Amanda stuttered with a shrug. "I figured why not take it? They were just gonna throw it away anyways."
She'd planned on being truthful, and offering Olivia the coffee in return for the drink she'd bought her at the bar. With Olivia staring her down, however, her courage withered to nothing.
Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly, and she turned the cup around as though inspecting it for the validity of Amanda's answer. Amanda watched her, hardly able to breathe as Olivia took a slow sip and savored it in her mouth before swallowing.
"English toffee, two creams, two sugars." She commented at last, licking a small drop off from her upper lip. "You drink your coffee black, Rollins."
"I…." Amanda choked, a second flush rising on her cheeks, and throbbing through her chest and neck.
"Look, Amanda." Olivia interrupted her, her tone guarded with a strain of weariness flowing underfoot. "I think we can both agree we got off on the wrong foot, but I can buy my own coffee… okay?"
Amanda blinked quickly, her mouth falling open at Olivia's solid rejection. A week of suspension and proper punishment certainly hadn't dulled the sharp bite of her tongue nor the impact that it had on Amanda's fledging desires for a friendship (or something more).
"I… I was just trying to be nice." Amanda finally replied in an indignant whisper. "After what you told me, I -"
"Forget what I told you." Olivia cut her off, coldly. "It's nothing we need to talk about ever again."
She flipped open her laptop, and began to sign into the NYPD database without a second glance at Amanda's flabbergasted expression.
Rude, dismissive, ungrateful bitch. The words were at the tip of Amanda's tongue, her heart racing with renewed vehemence.
She'd spent all week fantasizing about the possibility of a working relationship with Olivia -and other less proper things- only to be shot down and trampled within seconds of Olivia's return. It was as if their conversation in the bar had never even happened. Or, at least, that was how Olivia seemed to want it. She was straight back to condescending to and invalidating Amanda at every turn.
"What is your problem?" The accusation flew from Amanda's lips before she could stall the urge to snap.
Olivia's shoulders tensed, and her jaw clenched as she stared steadfastly at the computer screen for a long, unbearable moment.
"What's my problem?" She finally replied in a strained tone, her dark gaze lifting with a stormy warning in the taut sneer of her lips.
"Yes." Amanda breathed, her heart racing shallowly in her chest with adrenaline, a mixture of anger and anxiety, indignation and disappointment.
Olivia stared back at her, silent and steaming, as though she could hardly believe Amanda's gull. In truth, neither could Amanda, but she couldn't take it back now, and the idea of giving Olivia a taste of her own bitter medicine was far too appealing to deny.
Amanda shoved up from her desk, trembling from head to toe with the rush of enraged epinephrine.
"I came in here with nothing but a cooperative, positive attitude and you've done nothing but ignore me or patronize me!" She continued, stabbing her finger against the desk. "I even offered my adoration and you barely acknowledged that!"
"This isn't a daycare, Rollins." Olivia returned, her typically smooth forehead gnarling in vehemence. "This is the NYPD and we don't have time for childish games."
"Right," Amanda retorted, "because I totally asked for you to hold my hand through the first case! Are you fucking kidding me? If it wasn't for me we wouldn't have caught Brian Smith! It was my old case that brought it all together and all you cared to do was stomp on some damn good police work!"
"You were having tunnel vision." Olivia ground out. "The first mistake of any rookie cop is to assume the guilt of one person and ignore other clues!"
"And you were convinced it was his twin just as well as I was!" Amanda replied, her face pulsing hot with indignation.
She couldn't believe the gull of the other detective. She wasn't even sure that anyone else had ever treated her with so little respect when it came to her skill as a detective.
"Let's not even get started on your hypocrisy!" She seethed, the pent of anger and frustration spilling from her with all the force of a gushing waterfall. "I'm getting the same lack of respect and sexism from you as I was from the boys in Atlanta, and let me tell you, I'm really fucking disappointed!"
"Oh, honey..." Olivia laughed, turning away in disbelief.
"Don't fucking call me honey." Amanda sneered. "You've spent so much time in this squad, having all these guys - Elliot - wrapped around your finger, their eyes following your ass wherever you go….it's gone to your head."
"Are you serious?" Olivia brows rose, shock smearing across her face in a satisfying splash.
"Maybe you're upset that you're too old to be the honey traps now, and you're not fresh enough to view these cases with an unbiased eye. Maybe you're mad that he isn't here to stroke your ego - and your pus-"
"Stop. Stop right there." Olivia snapped, holding up a trembling finger as she shot up from her desk. "You're going way too far, detective."
Amanda backed down, breathing hard. Maybe her filter had slipped a little from her mouth, but she wasn't upset that she conjured such a response. Something honest and raw from Olivia was refreshing.
The rattling of the Captain's office door shattered their deadlock, and Cragen emerged, his brow furled as he stormed out to glare at them.
"Benson, Rollins." He ground out, his incensed gaze bouncing between them. "Both of you, get in here. Now."
Damnit. Amanda thought, her hands clenched into fists at her sides as Cragen turned and disappeared into his office once more. In the heat of the moment, she'd forgotten where she was, and the consequences of letting herself say all the things that she'd been thinking for four goddamn weeks.
Olivia's gaze was accusatory as she kicked her chair back, and headed towards the office, but she kept her mouth firmly shut, her lips drawn in a tight, displeased line.
"Fuck." Amanda whispered to herself, her stomach flipping over as she trailed after Olivia.
"Close the door." Cragen ordered as Amanda entered.
She followed his order, and eased the door shut behind her. Her heart was thundering with apprehension, and she she knew she'd fucked up by letting Olivia get the better of her. She hadn't regretted her words when Liv had been the only one to hear her, but now the humiliation of Cragen hearing every vile thing she'd said worked it's way across her chest and face in throbbing swatches of heat.
"Stand right here." Cragen pointed to the space in front of his desk, his eyes flashing with frustration. "At attention."
"Captain." Olivia broke from her rebellious, cross- armed stance with a shocked tone.
"No." Cragen held up a dismissive hand. "You two wanna act like rookies I will treat you like one."
Amanda glanced at Olivia's expression of disbelief, and Olivia caught her gaze with a glare. Her jaw was working, and Amanda could guess that it had been a damn long time since she'd answered to a drill sergeant. Amanda, on the other hand, had been answering for her wayward tongue since she'd been able to talk. She still remembered Mama whacking her with a wooden spoon for talking back. Standing at attention and taking a tongue lashing would no doubt be just as painful in some way or another, but she'd learned it was best to simply shut up and buckle down rather than resist.
Let's just get this over with. She thought, hoping Olivia would do the same.
She followed Cragen's order, and clenched the seam of her pants between her thumb and forefinger, staring off at his certification of command hanging on the wall beyond them. She heard Olivia release a low sound of disgust before she fell into place next to Amanda, their shoulders nearly brushing. Amanda barely stopped herself from flinching at the contact, and she clenched her jaw, the knot tightening in her throat.
"Now." Cragen said, folding his arms and leaning against the desk. "I've been very lenient."
Amanda felt Olivia tense almost indistinctly, and she knew that she wanted to protest. Unfortunately, standing at attention meant no talking, no facial expressions, and next to no blinking.
No crying either. She berated herself silently.
"Rollins, up until today I haven't had a reason to address you, but whatever it going on between you needs to stop. Today." Cragen pointed at the floor, his steely gaze searing first Amanda and then Olivia.
He let them stand in uncomfortable silence for a moment before adding, "The words I heard exchanged out there I don't ever want to hear again in this precinct. Do you understand?"
Amanda imperceptibly narrowed her eyes at the wall, biting back her own urge to retaliate. After what Cragen had heard come out of her mouth, she knew it was within her best interests not to say anything else besides yes, sir, but it was hard not to throw fingers in Olivia's direction. If it wasn't for the senior detective's bad attitude they wouldn't be here to begin with. Not even close.
"Good. Now, you're gonna get out there and do your job or else you're both going home for the day." Cragen concluded, waving a hand at them. "At ease. You're dismissed."
Amanda relaxed from the rigid stance, hardly looking Cragen in the eye as she murmured a yes, sir and quickly turned towards the door. She needed to get away from Olivia and the entire situation before she did or said anything else that she would regret.
She strode out into the squad room, and she could feel emotions boiling up again without the suppressive concentration of standing at attention. Her face felt hot, her nerves trembling as she rushed towards the ladies room. She didn't know whether it was the anger, the disappointment or the humiliation, but she felt as though she might burst into frustrated tears in the middle of the precinct.
She slammed both hands against the heavy bathroom door, and burst inside the much cooler, quieter space. The door swung shut slowly behind her as she went to the sink, and leaned heavily on the ceramic. Her breath was raspy in her ears, and she couldn't look at herself because the image was blurred and distorted.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." She groaned in a whisper. "Get it together."
She sucked in long breath only for it to break through her nose in a trembling exhale a moment later.
"Urgh, God." She cursed, scraping her hands over her face as she tried to pull together the emotions that she had ignored ever since arriving in New York.
She'd had so much faith in Olivia, perhaps because she'd imagined that she'd be so much different than everyone else. She'd expected another woman to have her back, to never bring her fear or anguish, to never intentionally hurt her or manipulate her, but so far Olivia had done all of these and more; and although Amanda knew that she owed her absolutely nothing, she couldn't help but be more disappointed than she ever had been in her life.
Long seconds passed before the sound of the bathroom door opening caused Amanda to straighten.
Shit, shit. She thought, wrenching the cold water on to splash on her face. She hadn't let anyone see her cry since she'd been stood up at the junior prom (save for that terrible night in a seedy Atlanta hotel room, and she told herself that didn't count) and she wasn't going to start again now.
"Amanda?"
She froze with her wet hands clasped over her face.
Olivia.
She'd know the sound of her voice anywhere, but especially here in the vulnerability of her bathroom breakdown. She bit her lower lip, swallowing another curse as she let her hands slip slowly from her face.
"What do you want?" She asked huskily, grabbing the sink again with one hand and twisting the water off with the other.
A few drops of water splashed against the drain in the silence before she heard Olivia's boots click against the tile. She stiffened when Olivia's hand brushed the back of her arm, igniting a wave of goosebumps across her body.
"I guess I deserve that." Olivia murmured, her fingers lingering unbearably.
Amanda was surprised at Olivia's apologetic tone after the way she'd talked to her, but she decided she wouldn't be so quick to feel pity for her again. Olivia had done nothing but send her mixed signals since her arrival, and Amanda didn't know what was and wasn't real anymore.
"No shit." Amanda finally scoffed past the knot in her throat, and pulled away from Olivia's gentle grasp.
She grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and slowly dried her face with her back turned. She didn't know when she'd be able to face her without becoming unhinged again.
"After what I told you I thought you'd understand that I want to keep co-workers and friends separate from now on." Olivia continued, although Amanda wasn't sure she even wanted to stand there and listen. "It's not personal."
"No?" Amanda asked, cutting her off as she turned impetuously. "I think it is personal. Especially after what you told me."
Olivia's brows were furrowed, and her fingers were clenched together in front of her as though she didn't quite know what to do with them when she wasn't allowed to touch her. The thought flashed through Amanda's mind unbidden, and she drew a wobbly breath.
"I don't know you very well." Olivia murmured, "but I don't think either of us need this right now."
"Need what?" Amanda whispered, reaching back to clutch the sink again.
"This." Olivia spread her hands. "Or trying to figure out what this is. What we want from each other."
Amanda nearly choked, taking a step back until the cold surface of the stall behind her pressed against her shoulder blades. Her tongue felt weak and useless in her mouth at Olivia's insinuations although she was sure that she hadn't meant it in that way. Surely, she hadn't.
"I…" Amanda whispered, her gaze flitting away from Olivia's. "I don't know. Maybe, I just wanted a colleague I could trust."
Olivia folded her arms, restlessly, and glanced down at the floor. She chewed her lower lip for a moment before she glanced back up her, dark eyes intense and intuitive.
"You don't trust many people, do you?" She asked, softly.
Amanda swallowed hard, her heart pounding anxiously in her chest. Something about Olivia's deep eyes, and gentle hands made her want to collapse and spill everything - all the secrets she'd been hiding that were eating her up inside, all the trauma that she'd buried until it rotted in her bones, all the things she'd never told anyone because she was too ashamed.
Maybe, this is what I wanted. She thought, unable to speak it.
"I hope you understand I don't trust many people either then." Olivia murmured, her lips lifting in a short, sad smile. "I think that's one thing we have in common."
Amanda stared back at her, unmoving and mute, as Olivia gave a nod of finality and turned towards the door. Amanda watched her leave, even as everything within her wanted to beg her not to go. The door shut behind her, and she pressed her eyes shut against the tears. She listened to the silence and the screaming of her own mind.
You're never gonna get what you want.