Sometimes it felt like just last night. Other times, she could convince herself that what had happened in Atlanta was water on the bridge, in the past, long enough ago to forget. Lies.
Sitting on the curb outside of the bodega, an instant ice pack clutched against her face, Amanda could still feel the tingle in her hands, her face, down to the tips of her toes. It'd been several months since she'd had a panic attack so severe, but the shame of experiencing something so debilitating while she was on the job was familiar and achingly fresh.
She closed her eyes, replaying the moment she'd stepped inside the bodega. The moment everything had gone wrong.
She'd seen Hughes running towards the back of the door. Patrons were screaming and panicking at the sight of the weapon clutched in his hand - but she hadn't known that. Abandoning caution, she'd followed him into the back, and that was when she'd met the cold threat of the gun. He'd tripped her, and she fallen to the ground. Hard. Disoriented in the dark, she hadn't seen the blow coming.
Crack!
The butt of the gun met her face, and stars exploded overhead. Her gun had slipped from her hand when she'd fallen, and skittered away from her beneath a nearby shelf. Barely able to think straight, she hadn't been able to even move, much less search for her weapon.
Then Hughes had been on top of her, the gun pressed against her side, the smell of him invading her nostrils in sickening waves.
"Aren't you gonna be a treat?" He'd whispered in her ear.
She'd tried to scream, but he licked her face and chuckled. Grabbing her by the hair, he pulled her up from the ground, and then….
Then what?
The rest was a blur of shaking and numbness and panic. Her next lucid memory was Olivia's arms around her, strong and safe, the sound of her voice a relief.
The shame had come after when the cold chills stopped and she could breathe again; when she'd seen her team's concerned expression as they sheparded her towards the ambulance. She'd begun to insist that she was fine, humiliation clinging to her bones like a second skin as they crowded around her while the EMT checked her vitals. Finally, he'd announced that she hadn't suffered any major injuries, handed her the ice pack, and let her go.
She'd been at the curb for ten or fifteen minutes now. She was unsure of the exact amount of minutes that had passed, nor could she remember the time it had been before she'd gone into the bodega. The seconds and minutes slipped away from the grasp of her mind, and she stared blankly at the scene before her while the ice pack chilled her mouth and nose to stiffness.
When Olivia approached her, she was completely unaware until she heard her name.
"Amanda?"
Olivia's tone was soft, but she still startled, blinking quickly against the burning dryness of her eyes.
She lowered the ice pack as Olivia hovered next to her, squatting down next to the curb.
"You doing okay, sweetie?" Olivia asked, her gaze tracking up and down Amanda's body with unnerving intensity.
"Yeah…" Amanda murmured, staring down at the ice pack in her hands.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I mean, I've been through worse." Amanda attempted to joke with a shrug, but the rough laugh broke midway.
"Listen." Olivia said softly, squeezing her arm in a gentle gesture that Amanda could hardly bear. "I understand how terrifying this is…"
Amanda ducked her face away, clenching her hand over her chin and mouth. She'd spent weeks trying to impress this woman, days trying to piss her off, hours dreaming about what could be…. only to find herself here. Humiliated. Pathetic. A victim to Olivia's eyes. A failure like always.
"I've been in situations like this before." Olivia continued, quietly. "And I know it's hard to shake. I want you to know it's okay. You don't have to be okay."
Amanda clenched her eyes shut hard, pushing back tears. Scraping her hand away from her mouth, she shoved her hair back out of her eyes, and tossed Olivia a steeled gaze.
"Thanks, Liv, but I'm okay. Really."
Olivia's gaze narrowed, her mouth forming a tight line of suspicion. Her fingers lingered on Amanda's arm, and finally her concern was too much to withstand. Pushing up from the curb, Amanda squared her shoulders, and tried to breathe evenly.
Olivia remained crouched behind her for a long moment as the silence rose between them with telling tangibility. At last, Amanda heard Olivia's boots scuffing the concert as she rose, and she felt panicked at the thought of another round of far too personal questions and commiserations.
"What about Hughes?" She forced out. "Is the motherfucker gonna make it?"
She glanced over her shoulder with a brittle scoff, hoping Olivia would follow her lead. Olivia stared back at her for a second, her brow furrowed, hands tucked stiffly in the pockets of her police jacket.
Finally, she motioned towards the ambulance that was preparing to leave the scene.
"Yeah, I barely nicked him."
"I thought you said you wouldn't miss." Amanda took another jab at humor, hoping to crack Olivia's stern expression.
Instead, Olivia sighed and shook her head, her voice low and rigid, "He better be glad I did."
Striding past Amanda, she patted her shoulder.
"Come on. They'll need our statements."
Amanda watched her retreat, her head lowered, shoulders tense, and the creeping sensation of dread converged fully upon her. She'd hoped for solidarity and cammeradie with Olivia, but she hadn't wanted it to be because of Atlanta. She'd known the older detective just long enough to know that she wouldn't let this go, and for the first time since arriving in New York, Amanda wished that Olivia would just leave her alone.
xxxxxx
"What the hell happened?"
Amanda had been prepared for the question, but standing here in front of the captain next to Olivia, Fin, and Amaro, she wasn't ready to be the first to answer it. It had been unbearable enough trying to avoid Olivia's poignant questions and gazes, and now she also had defend her decision to chase Hughes. She'd been asking herself something akin to the Captain's demand ever since she'd found herself on the ground, concussed and defenseless, and she still hadn't found a good answer.
"Benson?" Cragen demanded, turning his gaze to his most senior officer first.
Amanda cringed as she felt Olivia stiffen next to her. Although Olivia's rank wasn't any higher than the rest of them, Amanda knew that Cragen expected more of her in terms of decision making and leadership. It wasn't fair that she had to answer for Amanda's impulsive actions, and Amanda knew that. With a knot of dread in her throat, however, she couldn't speak up.
"There was a miscommunication." Olivia said, tersely, her tone veiled with the respect that Cragen's position demanded; but underneath, Amanda could sense the tension.
She might be more willing to defend you if you didn't act like a little bitch. Amanda silently reminded herself.
"A miscommunication." Cragen repeated. "You were supposed to apprehend him quietly."
"Come on, captain," Amaro stepped in, ever ready to defend his partner. "How were we supposed to know he was armed?"
Amanda suppressed another cringe, and closed her eyes for a half second. He wouldn't be so quick to stick up for Amanda as he was for Olivia if he knew what had happened at the bodega. He was somewhat of a hothead, but she knew if it were anyone but himself making the rash decision, he'd tear them to pieces with words about procedure and common sense.
"You don't know but you prepare for every scenario." Cragen replied. "Having a shootout in the middle of the shop should have been out of the question."
"Sir, he was going to fire at myself and Amanda." Olivia stepped forward, her tone steely over a layer of outright frustration.
"I didn't ask that." Cragen frowned. "A two year old can point fingers. Not my best detectives."
"I cleared the bodega, Captain-" Olivia began to protest once more, but he held up a hand.
"Stop. This whole operation went off the rails. Period."
Olivia scoffed and leaned back against the wall, her arms folded tightly, causing Cragen's brow to furrow even deeper.
Amanda removed her gaze from the interaction, and looked down at her hands, picking at one nail as she tried not to let the tears rise beyond a glimmer in her eyes.
It wasn't often that Cragen chewed them out, especially Olivia, his shining star, but it was now the second time in a week because of her. Her conscience was burning up her throat deep from the pit of her stomach, but she didn't know how to explain the situation to Cragen without admitting to the panic attack and all of the reasons behind it.
"You shouldn't have been in the bodega in the first place." Cragen continued, his tone sharp and decisive. "Rollins, do you have any better of an explanation?"
The sound of her name startled her, and she glanced up quickly, her stomach swooning with dread. Cragen's eyes were on her as well as Fin's and Amaro's. Olivia's gaze was the sharpest, like a pointed blade against her throat, choking her with the truth. Nevermind the compassion winding through her dark, unyielding gaze. She was fucked.
Amanda stuttered, feeling her cheeks flush beneath the oppression of their inquiring eyes. She'd rather have sunk straight through the floor than admit to being blinded by first ego and then panic, but she knew that if she didn't admit to her mistake right now it would come out later. It didn't matter how much sympathy Olivia had for her. When it came to her DD-5 or her testimony in court, Olivia wouldn't lie for her.
"I…." She began, somehow unable to break eye contact with Olivia despite her discomfort.
The other woman gazed back at her, waiting for her response. Amanda wished that she'd speak up again - anything to take the focus off of Amanda and her bumbling explanation - but Olivia remained silent, her stare excruciating.
Amanda swallowed hard, her cheeks flushing beneath the eyes of her coworkers and captain.
"It was my fault." She finally said, her voice emitting husky and faltering. "I went into the bodega to get coffee, and when I came out, I saw him on the street, and my first instinct was to chase him."
The captain's brows rose, and she could feel Amaro and Fin shifting in awkward silence in the wake of her confession. Olivia looked away, her arms tightening beneath her breasts, and Amanda couldn't tell if she was feeling compassion or disgrace for her plight. She knew that Olivia's opinion of her was not the most important thing at the moment, but she still could not help but feel panicked at the thought of Olivia's regard of her falling any further.
"I thought he would come easily." Amanda continued, her voice tight and high as she tried to smooth over the utter humiliation of the moment. "I didn't know he was armed or that it might endanger civilians."
"All right." Captain said, holding up his hands, halting her frantic explantation. "We'll deal with this later. For now, all of you go home and get some rest."
Amanda lowered her hands, a small bit of relief washing over her. She knew that Cragen wouldn't simply let it go, but for now she could escape from the judging confines of this office, and this job. Escape Olivia.
Amaro and Fin muttered "yes sir"s and turned towards the door, and Amanda followed quickly behind them, her head lowered. She was already thinking of the half bottle of whiskey in her fridge and the inviting cocoon of her bed and comforter, and Cragen's next command startled her.
"Olivia, not you."
Amanda glanced back quickly at Olivia, shocked. If she'd expected Cragen to hold anyone back in order to issue some kind of private punishment for lack of judgement, it had been herself. Not Olivia, her rescuer.
"Captain, she didn't do anything wrong." She began to protest, casting a watery, apologetic gaze in Olivia's direction.
"Amanda, it's fine." Olivia interrupted her before the Captain could, holding up at a hand to halt her.
Amanda's gaze bounced between Cragen and Olivia helplessly, and she wished desperately that she had never left the cruiser, never found herself so uncomfortable in Olivia's company, never wanted her approval more than anyone's. It was a series of stupid mistakes, rookie mistakes.
"Please shut the door on your way out." Cragen instructed, motioning towards the exit.
Amanda swallowed sharply, and sent Olivia one last, apologetic gaze. Olivia stoically accepted her glance before averting her gaze towards the captain. Her eyes were unreadable beneath a layer of tenuous composure, and Amanda felt her heart sinking.
She hadn't allowed Olivia to comfort her or to offer her understanding at the crime scene, and now she wasn't sure that she'd want to offer her anything ever again.
Spinning towards the door, Amanda stormed out, hot tears raging in her eyes. Slamming the door behind her, she released a low growl of frustration, and scraped the back of her hand quickly over her eyes.
She wanted more than anything to go home and hide for the rest of the night, or week, or however long it took for this humiliation to fade; but stubbornly she decided she had to wait it out. She had to see Olivia's face when she emerged from Cragen's office to know how badly she'd fucked up.
They were back at square one. Perhaps, worse than square one, and this time she only had herself to blame.
xxxxxxx
"All right, so what's really going on here?"
Cragen's face was kind enough and he was leaned back in the chair, giving the impression that this wasn't to be a reprimand, but Olivia couldn't help but feel on edge.
What had happened before and during the operation at the bodega had left her full of concern and worries
for Amanda's state of mind, not to mention a fresh wave of self-doubt.
She'd seen unresolved trauma in the faces of officers who'd made career-ending decisions, seen it in her own face in the mirror. She'd had her theories on why Amanda had come up from Atlanta, but until tonight she hadn't imagined that it was because of violence and assault. She knew nothing for certain, but in her gut, she couldn't ignore the sinking feeling that Amanda had been violated in some way in the past. If she was correct - and she was certain down to a slim margin of error - then she was also under the suspicion that the young detective had never sought therapy either.
She could fool everyone well enough with her confidence and cavalier attitude, but tonight had proved that it was but a facade. Underneath, something else was festering, and in some ways, Olivia felt responsible for pushing her to edge. In other ways, she vehemently wished that someone had recognized that Amanda was unfit for duty and that they'd never even had the chance of meeting.
If only El hadn't left...
"Olivia?" Cragen asked, drawing her back to the present.
Olivia shifted in the chair and crossed her legs as she brushed lint from her thigh. It was a minor distraction, one that allowed her gaze to land somewhere other than Cragen's knowing gaze.
"Rollins told you the truth." She said, stating each word plainly so that her tone was even.
"I know." Cragen nodded. "But I want to know what really happened out there. In her head."
"Why don't you ask her?" Olivia asked, finally meeting his gaze. "I can't read her mind."
He smiled and leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him on the desk.
"Olivia, you're my best detective. I don't say that in front of the others, but I trust what you take out of a situation."
Olivia sighed and glanced away.
Any other time she might have been flattered by the captain's praise. She might've allowed it to fill her sails and lift her from the depression of such a failed operation, but she couldn't. She was too personally involved in this situation now, and that was her own damn fault - and Amanda's. What a pair of fools they'd been.
"What I'm saying is…. You can read people, and I want the truth here; not some watered down version that Rollins would give me to save her own ass." Cragen clarified.
"Rollins fucked up." Olivia returned sharply. "I trusted her, and maybe that was a mistake."
"I know she messed up, but…I thought you'd be more objective than this."
Olivia breathed out through her nose and spread her hands over her thighs as she released the heavy breath.
"This wouldn't have happened if it had been El." She whispered, the words falling off her tongue before she could stop them, before she could shore up the blood spilling from all the re-opened wounds.
"Olivia…" Captain said, quietly.
"I know, I know." Olivia returned, quickly, lifting her hands to rub them over her face, to hide the shimmering of tears in her eyes.
The pain always came so quickly, hitting her straight between the ribs and up into her heart when she least expected it. One moment she would be fine, and then the next… some sound, or smell, or place would bring it all rushing back, as if New York City was just one big, fucking tripwire.
"I thought this was getting better."
Cragen's tone was gentle enough, but Olivia could sense the condemnation lying beneath. He'd never explicitly known about their relationship, but he wasn't blind or stupid, and sometimes Olivia wondered if he was happy that Elliot had chosen to leave because of that very reason. Cragen was as close to a father figure as she'd ever come, and she supposed Cragen being overprotective came with the territory. Most of the time, she wished that it didn't.
"It's fine." Olivia shook her head, sucking in a breath. "I'm fine."
"Is it?" Cragen asked. "It's been over a month since Rollins's transfer. I thought I'd see better teamwork between you two."
"So it's my fault?" Olivia snapped, rising suddenly from the chair and pacing away.
"You said there was a communication problem?" Cragen asked, skirting away from her direct question.
Maybe it was too early to be throwing out accusations, but perhaps it was just her guilty conscience speaking for itself. She'd been unusually cruel towards the younger detective, carelessly and uncaringly. It hadn't mattered who Amanda was or what had happened to her when she'd been so wrapped up in her own heartache, but after tonight, she couldn't ignore Amanda's feelings in exchange for her own. She'd allowed Amanda to leave the car, knowing damn well that they shouldn't separate themselves during an operation. She'd let her go simply because they couldn't stand being in the same car together, a petty and ridiculous excuse.
Olivia breathed out and leaned on the window sill, facing the squad room. From between the blinds, she could glance Amanda sitting at her desk, slouched in her chair. Her laptop was open in front of her, but she was distracted. Her leg was bouncing quickly and she biting a nail.
She had every right to be nervous.
Olivia lowered her gaze and stared down at the floor for a moment before she murmured, "She offered to get the coffee. I let her go. I didn't stop her."
There was silence for a moment, and Olivia pressed her eyes shut.
"Fine. So she went after him." Cragen said at last. "What happened inside the bodega? Amanda had a bloody nose, loses her gun, and you're firing into an enclosed space. It's bad policing, Liv."
"I know that." Olivia replied sharply. "I know we lost control."
"So give me an explanation." Cragen insisted. "I'm trusting you to tell me the truth here because I don't think I'm going to get it from Rollins."
Olivia breathed out, and lifted her hand to the back of her neck. All of her muscles were rippling with tension beneath her fingertips, and she had a feeling she wouldn't be able to relax any time soon.
She knew it wasn't her place, but there was no other explanation for Amanda's behavior at the bodega but PTSD. She'd lived with it long enough to know the signs, and she could only blame herself for not pulling Amanda back as soon as she saw them. She'd somehow unknowingly put them in this situation, and as upset as she was, the blame couldn't rest solely on Amanda.
She closed her eyes, and straightened from the window, her fingers pressing hard into her taut muscles.
"She's a survivor, Captain."
"What do you mean?" Cragen asked carefully.
"I mean…" Olivia began, opening her eyes to gaze out at the blonde head across the squad room. "I think she's been assaulted."
Cragen's chair creaked, and another long beat of silence passed.
"You think?" He asked at last.
Finally, Olivia turned from the squad room to look at him.
"She panicked inside the bodega. The look in her eyes...it's unmistakable. I think she saw Hughes… and she kicked into fight or flight instinct."
"Do you think she should be in the field?"
"I can't say for sure."
Cragen sighed and rubbed his fingers over his forehead.
"Captain, I only brought it up because you deserve an explanation." Olivia said, walking back over to the desk and leaning on the back of the chair. "I wouldn't have said anything otherwise."
"You think she was compromised today but not tomorrow?" Cragen asked, lifting his gaze to hers.
"I think…. That there were other factors." Olivia said, carefully. "And I think you shouldn't be too hard on her."
When he frowned, she continued, quietly, "You've given me plenty of second chances, Captain. Give her one."
"All right." Cragen sighed, "But I want you to keep an eye on her. We can't have this happen again."
"I'll try, but…." Olivia shook her head. "I'm not sure she wants me as a partner."
"You're not sure she wants you, or the other way around?" Cragen asked. "Amanda isn't the only one I'm worried about here."
"I'm fine." Olivia repeated. "Trust me."
"I trust you to take care of this squad." Cragen said. "But not always yourself."
"Captain-" She began.
"No." He held up a hand. "You need to find a way to let him go, Olivia."
Olivia straightened, her body going rigid at the mention of Elliot once more. She looked away from Cragen and ground her teeth against the urge to cry once more. They'd had so many late night conversations about this, ranging from gentle and concerned to frustrated and rebuking, but it still hit her with the weight of freight train every time. To know that someone else was looking in upon her private pain hurt almost as much the fact that he was gone. She'd never shown weakness to anyone in this squad room a day in her life, but now all of that bravery and confidence was ground to sand and dust in the eyes of her Captain.
"I'll keep an eye on her." She whispered with a nod before turning towards the door.
"Take care of yourself, Olivia." He said after her, his tone more caring than she wanted to accept.
"Yes, sir." She said quickly, hoping he'd accept it as compliance.
Yanking the door open, she left without another word, eager to escape the room, Cragen, and all of the implications and consequences of the night, but there were some things she wouldn't be able to escape, no matter how hard she tried.
Her name was Amanda, and she had just promised to look out for her.
As the door closed behind her, her gaze fell on Amanda in the midst of the deserted squad room. She sat forward, her blue eyes shimmering with regret as she searched Olivia's gaze. She was scared, vulnerable, hurt.
With a low, exhale, Olivia squared her shoulders and began to cross the room. She had a promise to keep.