Amanda hadn't realized just how hard the whiskey would hit until she was past the doorway with the whining of traffic and the blur of passing headlights making her head spin. She stumbled to a stop on the sidewalk as her head rushed and pulsed with the sudden intake of alcohol, and she grabbed her forehead with a grunt.

"Woah."

She started when she heard Olivia's voice in ear accompanied by the gentle but firm grasp of Olivia's hands on her waist.

"Careful." Olivia murmured as she steadied her.

"I-I'm fine." Amanda stuttered, her cheeks filling with a second rush of heat on top of the burn of intoxication.

She struggled away from Olivia, holding up her hands, even as Olivia's outstretched hand hovered inches from her hip.

"I'm fine." Amanda repeated, barely holding her voice steady.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked with a narrowed gaze.

Amanda's heart beat loud in her ears and she could feel her fingers quiver with anxiety.

She can't break me. She can't break me.

"Yes." She pushed the word roughly from her lips, and turned towards the road.

Her gaze bounced up and down the street, her unfocused gaze dragged back and forth by the passing vehicles. It wasn't until she heard Olivia call her name again that she noticed the cab pulled up next to the curb and Olivia motioning for her to join her.

Fuck. Get it together. She silently cursed herself as she trudged towards the cab.

Olivia had opened the door for her and when Amanda began to climb inside, Olivia took her arm. Despite her dulled senses, Amanda felt her touch as she always did—like fire and a thousand pulses of desire. It was harder to ignore, even harder to deny with the whiskey working through her veins. Slipping out of her touch, Amanda slid further into the cab, thankful that the night was almost over. In less than an hour she'd be in the solace of her own home, away from all her clamoring desires for Olivia's attention and acceptance. At least there she wouldn't publicly humiliate herself.

"Amanda. Your address?"

Amanda's eyes flicked open, and her lips parted in confusion when she saw Olivia sliding in next to her. The door shut behind her, causing Amanda to blink sharply as the noise resounded against her ears.

"Amanda?"

"What… what are you doing?" Amanda asked, digging her fingertips into her aching temple.

"You're in no condition to escort yourself." Olivia replied brusquely. "Please, Amanda… your address."

Amanda stared at her for another moment, but Olivia simply sat back and grabbed her seatbelt.

Amanda stuttered through the address before sinking into the seat. Pulling her jacket tighter around her waist, she stared out the window, wishing she could simply evaporate like rain on pavement.

She thought it would be better if she remained silent until she could escape the car, but as the minutes slowly passed while the cabbie meticulously navigated traffic, she began to feel desperation claw up her throat.

What do you want? Why do you care? Why do I want you to care? The questions milled through her mind over and over again, turning her throbbing head into torture chamber of suppressed emotions and haunting questions.

Despite her cynical facade, the urge to spill her darkest secret remained lodged in her chest, aching for a release that tears and commiserating hugs could not offer. Spitting out of the tiniest details like teeth from a broken jaw had been excruciating enough, but still the urge remained. Perhaps it would be less painful for Olivia to tear her apart than to do it herself from the inside out.

Pressing her forehead again the cold window, Amanda struggled to contain trembling cries. Tears slipped from beneath her lids, and she wiped them away as discreetly as she could manage.

When the cab rolled to a stop, she opened her hazy eyes and gazed up towards the familiar sight of her apartment building.

"Amanda?" Olivia murmured. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah." Amanda choked out. "I'm fine."

I'm fine. She was so sick of being fine.

Struggling with the tangled pull of the seatbelt, she shoved the door open. Finally escaping from the cab, she charges towards the apartment building, her hands clutched at her sides.

"Amanda, wait!"

She spun around when she heard Olivia's voice behind her. Swaying on the sidewalk, she bit back tears as Olivia rushed away from the departing cab and straight towards her. The concern on her face was written in the deep creases of her brow and mouth, the kind that Amanda had wished for all those weeks ago in the precinct bathroom. Flashes of a conversation she'd damn near memorized passed through her mind as she helplessly watched Olivia converge upon her.

"It's not personal…"

"I think it is personal…"

"I don't think either of us need this right now…"

"Need what?"

"This… Trying to figure out what this is… what we want from each other…"

"Maybe I just wanted a colleague I could trust…"

"You don't trust many people, do you?"

"I want to trust you." Amanda blurted out as Olivia reached her and sobs welled unbearably in her throat.

"Amanda…" Olivia murmured, her voice so gentle, so tender as her warm palms cradled Amanda's tear-stained cheeks.

Amanda grabbed Olivia's arms, her fingers twisting in the material of her jacket as she struggled to pull her closer, to regain the support and comfort she'd felt inside the bar just before giving in to the same old defense mechanisms. Deny. Dismiss. Distract. She couldn't do it anymore. Not tonight.

"I want to…" She choked, seeking Olivia gaze.

She wanted to know that Olivia believed her - not just about this, but about everything - but Olivia's eyes were clouded too.

"Amanda…" She murmured once more, just before pulling her in.

She pressed her mouth to Amanda's cheek, and felt like an apology and an olive branch all at once, the one she'd been grasping for since she'd arrived alone and afraid in New York City. All her desires were wrapped up in those lips, and she felt weak with the sudden deliverance. She sagged against Olivia, her eyes pressed closed as she soaked up the warmth of Olivias' lips against her cold, tear-stained cheekbone. Her fingers quivered around the fisted material of Olivia's jacket, and she could hear her breath rushing heavily from her lips. A tear split from her eyelid, rushing to meet the seam of Olivia's mouth to offer a taste of the bitter fear that she'd carried for far too long.

Amanda trembled as Olivia pulled back only to press a second kiss to her cheek, then another and another until Amanda could scarcely deny the gentle persuasion of her lips any longer. She ducked her face towards Olivia's and their noses bumped against one another. She felt Olivia's breath on her mouth, and then with a single, impulsive tilt of her chin, their lips were pressed together. Olivia's top lip fit just inside her mouth, filling her senses with warm flesh and traces of saliva and her own tears, filling her body with sudden euphoria. The moment swelled, neither of them moving for a long moment of suspended desire and tension. Amanda didn't dare to press any further or to open her mouth with further passion. The moment was fragile enough, and she clung to each second, knowing that it might be the last.

When Olivia pushed into her, taking her by surprise, she barely remained on her feet. Olivia's fingers sank into her hair, holding her tight as she plied Amanda mouth open with several rough kisses to her lips. Amanda panted heavily, her eyelids fluttering until the lights of New York turned into a flashing strobe beyond her lids and all she could think of was Olivia's tongue inside her mouth.

The kiss could've lasted for hours or seconds. Time turned on itself and on her. She could hardly discern one kiss from another, one pulse of pleasure from one beat of her heart. She was riding one wave of desire after another until-

Suddenly Olivia pulled back, and Amanda swayed unsteadily as Olivia's firm grasp left her bereft and unstable. She stumbled before getting her footing, and the world came into focus around her once more. She heard her heartbeat in her ears above the sound of traffic and the throb of pleasure slowly began to wane.

Olivia was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, her back turned. She was bracing herself against the pole of the crosswalk sign with one hand while the other clutched her mouth. Above her, the hand flashed bright red in disorienting pulses.

"Oliv-"

Amanda began to say her name, but as soon as the first syllable left her mouth, Olivia pushed away from the pole. Lifting her hand, she hailed a nearby cab.

"Olivia." Amanda heard the quiver in her voice.

Olivia shoulders tightened, but still she did not turn.

"Olivia!" Amanda insisted, breaking away from the spot where she had been frozen.

Rushing to Olivia's side, Amanda grabbed her shoulder as she felt tears in her eyes.

"Olivia, wait." She whispered, staring up at Olivia's profile.

"I hope you know I cannot do this." Olivia whispered sharply, staring at the street.

"I…"

"I'm sorry." Olivia continued, her voice wavering. "I take full responsibility. I never should have followed you home. I never should've…"

Her voice trailed away with a harsh swallow, but they both knew the rest.

I never should've kissed you.

"Olivia…." Amanda protested in a whisper as the cab pulled up to the curb and Olivia grabbed the door handle.

She could feel the tears coming, the way her chest would ache as she was used and abandoned once more. She was always just going to be someone's second choice, someone's "fun time" when things got boring, someone's distraction when their own vices didn't cut it.

A whore. A slut. A piece of ass.

All the things that the people - some of her so-called friends and family - in Atlanta had insisted that she was. They'd said them until she ran away like a scared child, yet even here in the city of so much opportunity she could not escape her fate.

She turned suddenly from the curb as her breath rushed harshly in and out of her lungs. Her ears were ringing and the pleasure was long gone. She felt numb, pain dulled to an ache like lungs exposed to winter air. Olivia might've called her name, or it might've just been the ghosts of yesteryear, coming back to collect on promises. Either way, she didn't look back.

xxxxxx

3 weeks later

The courthouse halls were loud and bustling, voices humming, cell phones ringing, and shoes clicking against the marble adding to the cacophony. It was a little past one o clock, and most of the judges had recessed for lunch an hour ago.

Seated on the bench outside of courtroom 5, Amanda bounced her leg and picked at one nail as she waited. She could've left the courthouse, picked up some brunch or coffee and otherwise entertained herself in the meantime, but the anxiety of the day had not allowed her to leave the bench.

Rory Halstead's rapists' preliminary trial was commencing today, and if the judge decided to indict, they'd be tried as adults. It was one small blessing out of all the tragedies surrounding the case. In less than half an hour she'd know whether to celebrate or to drown her sorrows in a bottle of whiskey. Amanda was certain they had enough evidence to move forward, but rape cases were always a toss up.

Trust Barba. She'd tried to convince herself several times. He knows what he's doing.

She breathed out a long sigh, and leaned onto her knees, spearing her fingers through her tousled hair. She stared down at the pattern of the floor tiles, but all she could see in her head was Rory. She wasn't sure why the case had hit her so hard. She'd seen so many rape victims of all different ages, races, and genders, but Rory had gotten to her. The turmoil with Olivia at the time hadn't quelled her emotions towards the whole situation in the least.

She'd figured she was required to forgive Olivia for what had happened during Rory's case in exchange for Olivia taking the heat for her over Hughes, but they hadn't talked much about either event. The bar that night had been their last real conversation, and once that fateful kiss had ended, Amanda had decided that their friendship - or any relationship for that matter - was doomed. She'd let Olivia too close and she had nothing to show for it but another wound in her heart.

She'd tried to tell herself that her knowledge of Olivia's personal problems with Elliot were enough for the failed kiss to be her own fault, but Olivia's rejection hurt far more than she ever wanted to admit. Combined with her own past and the moments of vulnerability she'd shown to Olivia, she'd felt like nothing more than pulsing, aching bruise. She'd spent the rest of that night in wasted self-pity, barely able to face her own reflection in the mirror, much less Olivia the next day.

Avoiding Olivia at all costs took skill, especially after Olivia had licked her own wounds and attempted to patch things up between them. She'd pulled Amanda into interrogation one late one evening after a week of stilted silence between them.

"I have to apologize for what happened." Olivia had insisted, staring intensely into her eyes with that look of pity and concern that Amanda knew so well and hated so much.

"You already did that." Amanda hissed, grabbing the door.

"Well… it's not nearly enough." Olivia grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

For half a moment, Amanda had wanted to give in, but she knew what came after the embrace - just another letdown.

"Look. This isn't about me." Amanda retorted. "This is about Elliot. As always."

Olivia eyes flashed, and she took a step back. "Of course it is. I just made this mistake and I cannot do it again, Amanda, do you understand?"

"Sure." Amanda replied with a shrug as she yanked the door open. "Whatever, man."

They'd remained partners, but little more, much to Amanda's own deliberate design.

Glancing at her watch once more, Amanda vacillated between remaining on the bench to get the first seat in the courtroom or leaving to grab a much needed smoke and coffee break. As was typical, her anxieties and her addictions were at war, leaving her with a feeling of directionless peril.

At last, she jumped up from the bench and strode towards the elevator, unable to take the waiting game and the thoughts that plagued her.

She was halfway down the hall when the doors of the elevator creaked open, and the group of commuters spilled from within, rushing towards their destinations.

The carriage had nearly emptied when Amanda saw her.

No, no, no, no.

The sight of Olivia leaning against the railing at the back of the elevator stopped Amanda in her tracks.

What is she doing here? She wondered, her heart suddenly clamoring in her chest.

She'd specifically come here alone in order to escape wondering glances. After Hughes, the rest of the squad had adopted a careful tone around her, a type of sensitivity that was reserved for the vics. Amanda loathed their silent glances, their hesitantly placed questions, their barely veiled concerns. She hated to feel like anything other than the fearless detective she'd worked so hard to present herself as. Thanks to Olivia, it'd all gone to waste.

She swayed in the middle of the hall, anxiety clenching her throat as Olivia's eyes lifted. Her dark gaze barely scanned the hall before locking directly upon her. Amanda's jaw clenched, and her hands trembled into fists beside her even as Olivia's mouth lifted in a hesitant, sympathetic smile.

"Hi." She mouthed soft greeting across the hall, and Amanda felt her lips tremble.

She spun away, staring hard down the hall, wishing for the impossible scenario that Olivia hadn't seen her and she could still escape.

Olivia's distinct footsteps roared in her ears above the cacophony of the courthouse, and Amanda braced herself for the inevitable.

"You trying to avoid me?" Olivia question was posed a light quip, but Amanda already knew the layers of their conversations, the ways they could so easily fool themselves into thinking they meant anything other than what they said.

"No." Amanda lied, her throat tight as she turned to face her.

Olivia's expression was held carefully between concern and amusement, a striking balance for a woman who wore her heart on her sleeve more often than she cared to admit. It would be hypocritical, Amanda thought, to desire Olivia's true thoughts when she'd held her own so tightly to her vest that evening in the bar.

"This case has just got me…" Amanda motioned vaguely, forcing a smile.

"Right." Olivia murmured, her gaze tracking Amanda's face too intensely for comfort. "I just had to run some things by Barba." She added, an unnecessary excuse when they both knew the truth.

"So you just decided to follow him over to prosecution too?" Amanda asked, the question leaving her lips too pointedly to be joking.

"I was actually hoping you'd be all right with me joining your for the indictment." Olivia's serious tone cut through whatever humor Amanda had managed to muster.

"Oh." She rasped, shifting uncomfortably. "Well, I, uh… I was just about to go out for a smoke."

Shoving her hand into her pocket, she fished out the crumpled package as if to prove that it wasn't a scheme to escape Olivia.

Olivia glanced critically at the cigarettes, and Amanda could sense a rebuke on her lips.

"I know. Bad habit." She conceded, forcing a smile. "It is what it is."

"I will wait for you then." Olivia replied, her voice taking on a softer tone as her eyes shifted back to Amanda's.

"Right." Amanda whispered, ducking her head as she turned towards the elevator once more, unable to take Olivia's gaze any longer.

She hardly breathed until she hit the ground floor and found herself rushing towards the exit, her exhales coming quick and shallow. She fumbled for her cigarettes and lighter as she crossed the wide marble porch. Leaning against one of the pillars, she placed the cigarette between her lips and flicked the lighter with a trembling hand. The nicotine caught flame and she inhaled sharply, her eyes fluttering closed as the first soothing rush of smoke filled her lungs.

She sagged against the pillar, trying to manage her emotions. She'd purposefully avoided Olivia for the past month, convinced that if she acted like nothing had happened then it would simply be so. A partnership that she'd had so much hope for now clung to the back of her throat like a bad aftertaste, the cloying remains of regret and humiliation. If only it could all be washed away by a cigarette or a drink or three weeks of silence.

Opening her eyes, Amanda watched the busy street below. At the pinnacle of Justice and Truth, she felt no more enlightened than the weary travelers below.

The cigarette dwindled slowly, ash crumbling to nothing as she desperately tried to soothe her frayed nerves with the nicotine. At last, she realized several minutes had passed and it had not occurred to her to look at her watch since leaving the building.

"Damn." She whispered, glancing down at her wrist. "Damn."

Tossing the stub of her cigarette, Amanda pushed away from the pillar and strode towards the building.

It was Judgement Day.