The sky outside was still dark when Olivia awoke. The feeling of an unfamiliar room and the lingering smell of cigarette smoke had roused her, and it took a few moments before she oriented herself. The memory of where she was and why hit her all over again.
She blinked quickly, searching in the bed next to her for Amanda's body but the sheets had cooled since last she remembered.
Sitting up slowly in the dark, she scraped her hair back and glanced around the room. Her gaze tracked towards the window on the left side of the room, and it was there she found her. Leaned against the sill, Amanda gazed out towards the city, the cigarette smoldering between her fingers. The window was cracked and Olivia could hear the city now as the haziness of sleep lifted.
"Amanda…" She whispered, her voice rough from slumber.
Amanda started, clutching at her chest as she found Olivia in the dark.
"Sweet Jesus, you scared me." She said, choking out a stilted laugh.
"I'm sorry." Olivia replied softly though she inspected Amanda's demeanor with a much harsher eye.
"Couldn't sleep." Amanda answered her unspoken question with a shrug, turning back towards the window. "I mean I did… for awhile..."
"And then…" Olivia prompted, tossing the sheets away from her legs.
Shifting off the bed, she wandered across the room to where Amanda stood.
Amanda shrugged once more. "I've just been here."
"Killing yourself with these?" Olivia gently chided, grabbing the box of cigarettes from the sill to inspect them critically.
"Bad habit, remember." Amanda replied, blowing out a stream of smoke into the night.
In a closer light, Olivia hesitated upon Amanda's drawn features and tense position, and a deeper feeling of unease gripped her. She'd seen her share of sleepless nights and for all kinds of reasons, but after the past few weeks, she imagined that this kind of insomnia came from guilt and tightly kept secrets, the ones that could eat a person to the core.
"You know," Olivia murmured, placing the box back on the sill in front of Amanda, "People form self-soothing behaviors for all kinds of reasons…"
Amanda glanced down at the box, her shoulders stiff for a moment before she tossed her head back, blinking quickly. The sight of sudden tears further confirmed Olivia's suspicions that Amanda's midnight ruminations were closer to nightmares than daydreams. After all the walls they'd torn from between them in the previous hours, Olivia wondered if Amanda would finally trust her. Olivia had trusted her with her own secret, but Amanda had never seemed to be able to let go of hers, holding it close to her chest like a treasure - only this precious thing was poison to her and she'd allowed it to infest her for far too long.
Olivia wanted to reach out and touch her to assure her that she was safe here, but she held back. She didn't know what Amanda was about to say or what kinds of memories it would bring to the surface.
"Oh...wow…" Amanda choked out another laugh that sounded far too close to breaking. "This was not the kind of morning after you expected, was it?"
"I've had enough of those." Olivia contradicted her, pressing in closer. "I just want to know you're okay."
Amanda glanced over at her, tears growing rapidly in her eyes. Her mouth began to tremble and she clasped her hand over her face suddenly.
When Amanda had found her in the bar that night after the Terrance Hughes stakeout, Amanda had not wanted to admit the damage she'd endured. The lingering effects of violence, however, were not so easy to conceal, and Olivia knew as surely as she had in that dark storeroom, staring down her gun at Amanda's terrified eyes and Hughes' surly expression, that Amanda had suffered many nights before. Now, the shame spilled off of her in an immense wave of undeniable force, and Olivia wanted to reach out and catch her before she fell beneath the crushing weight.
"Amanda." She urged, ignoring caution as she took her by the elbow. "Let this go. Please, for your own sake. You need to let it out."
Amanda drew shaky breath, wiping her palm down her cheeks before staring out the window again. Her smeared tear tracks glistened on her cheeks in the faint light of the streetlamps down below while her lips trembled with unspoken emotion. She pressed the cigarette to her mouth, taking a shaky inhale as Olivia watched her intently.
"It's not what you think." She said at last, her voice raw and fractured.
"I'm not thinking anything." Olivia murmured, rubbing her thumb over her elbow slowly. "I just know this is weighing on you, Amanda."
Amanda swallowed hard, and massaged her fingers over her forehead. "I just- I know how it seems."
"You're already blaming yourself."
"I've blamed myself since the night it happened." Amanda admitted stiffly, tapping out her ashes on the sill.
Olivia didn't reply, watching as Amanda's hardened armoured cracked and shifted. They were here at their most vulnerable, and she could feel the confession blooming at the tip of Amanda's tongue, aching to be free. She hoped that she could be this for Amanda - a confidant, a friend, and the lover that Amanda had been to her last night.
"It was a deal, you see." Amanda whispered roughly at last, flicking a glance towards Olivia.
Her eyes were guarded as though she still expected blame, but beneath, Olivia could see the pain and anguish that were dying to be validated.
"A deal." Olivia repeated, leaning back against the sill.
Their hips were touching, and Amanda's arm was against her stomach. She wanted to hold her closer.
"Yes." Amanda whispered, her eyes darting away, towards their connected bodies. "I went willingly. I put myself in the room."
"You promised to have sex… with someone." Olivia clarified softly, though inside her stomach was churning.
She knew where this story was headed. She'd heard far too many similar ones.
"Yes." Amanda's whispered was husky and tinged with guilt. "It was quid pro quo. I was just supposed to go there and-and do it, and be d-done with it, and we'd both get what we wanted, but-"
Her sudden burst of words cut off sharply, and she pulled away from Olivia's side, leaving Olivia's palm empty and aching. Olivia watched her pace away, silenced by the amount of pain and anger emanating from Amanda's body, and by the creeping, horrifying suspicion that this man - whoever he was - wore a shield of disgrace rather than justice.
"He didn't come there for sex." Amanda said at last, her tone full of defeat. "He came to-..."
Her voice faded off into silence, leaving the aura between them pulsing like a tender bruise.
"To rape you."
Amanda turned sharply at the sound of Olivia's voice, her jaw clenched against further emotion, her brow twisted with pain. They stared at each other for a moment, and Olivia thought that she might argue again, twist her own trauma into something less harrowing and more inside of her control.
But at last, her shoulders sank and her brittle whisper slipped across the room, "Yes."
Olivia heart pumped in her ears and she felt herself grasping the edge of the windowsill, the wood biting in her palms while her stomach turned. She'd been angry for the violence perpetrated against women so many times before, but every single time it hit her, it was fresh like the very first time she'd listened to the tape of her mother's police report.
"Is he a cop?" Her voice cut across the room, cradling her barely controlled rage in a tight tremble.
Amanda stared at her, her posture limp, her gaze clinging to the last bits of defiance.
"I…" She began before cutting off sharply and turning away.
Scraping her hand through her hair, she took a deep drag from the cigarette as the silence stretched out between them. All Olivia could hear was Amanda's trembling exhales and her own heartbeat thundering in her ears.
"Amanda." She demanded, pushing away from the sill. "Is he?"
"I swore I'd never tell anyone." Amanda snapped, spinning around to face her with the wide eyes and flushed cheeks of desperation.
"Amanda." Olivia whispered, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Why?"
"Because-" Amanda shook her head frantically. "Please, just forget it."
"Forget it? How can you ask me that?" Olivia pleaded, pulling her back as Amanda attempted to escape her grasp.
"Do you know how many times I wished someone like you cared?" Amanda demanded, a tear spilling down her cheek. "Do you know how I prayed for that?"
"Then…" Olivia whispered, her voice breaking. "Why don't you let me help you now…?"
"Because, Liv," Amanda whispered, gazing up at her with tears glimmering in her blue eyes. "You can't do anything about it now. It's over."
Olivia stared at her for a moment, struck speechless. She'd imagined that Amanda's past held a terrible secret such as this, but she hadn't imagined it would be another cop, a person who'd sworn to uphold the law, nor had she imagined that she would feel so helpless.
"I… I don't believe that." Olivia finally whispered, her hands slipping down Amanda's arms to her wrists where she squeezed, desperate for reciprocation, for some kind of sign that Amanda would accept what she wanted so fervently to offer.
"But it's true." Amanda's voice broke, her mouth collapsing into trembles once more as tears engulfed her gaze. "It's too late, Liv… You're too late."
Olivia stared at her until her devastated expression blurred before her eyes and she failed to grasp some response that would be anywhere close to adequate. All she could think to do was hold her.
Pulling her in, she crushed Amanda's smaller, trembling frame to her chest, cradling the back of her head as Amanda began to sob. Her body shook with emotion that she had buried for far too long, and for a long moment, she couldn't even return then embrace. When she did, her hands were desperate, clinging to Olivia's back and shoulders as her mouth pressed deep, sorrowful cries into her neck.
Olivia silently held her, staring horror-stricken into an oblivion of an imagination where the man responsible for Amanda's pain were before her, laid out for her punishing fist of Justice. It was a fantasy world in which the consequences of destroying a woman's life could equate to the absolute devastation he had caused, but she knew the truth. Amanda's rapist would never know half of her pain, no matter what Olivia did to him. He was immune in the way that all men were immune to the pain of women.
"Come here." Olivia whispered at last when Amanda's tears had ebbed and she could stand without falling.
Leading them towards the bed, Olivia laid Amanda and crawled in beside her. Covering them with the blankets, she cradled Amanda to her chest again and pressed kisses along her crown. She stroked her hair, murmuring soft assurances until she felt the tremors coursing through Amanda's body smoothed out and her tears quieted into soft sniffles. She didn't move until Amanda's evened out and eventually slowed as she drifted to sleep.
Long after she slept, Olivia lay awake, staring up towards the ceiling, replaying Amanda's words on a haunting loop through her mind.
It's too late, Liv… You're too late.
xxxxxx
When Amanda's eyes fluttered open the next morning, the sun was barely beginning to dawn beyond her window, but her alarm clock was screeching next to the bed, reminding her that she had a job that was still very much real.
With a groan, she rolled over and slapped the snooze button before collapsing on her back once more. Her eyes were dry and exhaustion filled her limbs as though she'd hardly even slept. The toll that her midnight confession had taken had hardly begun to fade. She felt the effects of the emotional impact like punches after a fight, bruising her in the places she hadn't defended well enough.
Her eyes opened once more, and she turned her head slowly, looking to the other side of the bed, but the mattress was empty. For a moment, her stomach dropped with cold dread as she wondered if Olivia had slipped out while she slept, but then she heard the sound of her voice, filling Amanda relief.
"Hi."
"Liv." Amanda sat up abruptly in the bed as she found Olivia standing in the doorway.
She was dressed, her coat draped over her arm, although her hair was still wet and she had yet to find her shoes.
"I used your shower. I hope you don't mind." Olivia said, motioning behind her in the direction of the bathroom.
"Of course not." Amanda whispered, gathering the sheets up against her chest.
In the light of day, it didn't seem so easy to be vulnerable with Olivia. Seeing Olivia dressed, prepared to leave her reminded her that there was a world beyond last night. It felt too close to returning to the previous state of their relationship, and she'd never hated the thought of something so much.
"I didn't think we should arrive together." Olivia said at last.
"No, no, yeah." Amanda agreed in a conflicting jumble of words although inwardly, her heart was falling.
Olivia offered her a smile that Amanda took to be reassuring before she crossed the room. She bent down, gently holding the back of Amanda's neck as she pressed a kiss to her forehead. Amanda's eyes slid shut and she clutched Olivia's wrist, clinging to her for as long as possible. She smelled sweet and clean, the wet tendrils of her hair tickling Amanda's cheek. She wished she could pull her back into the bed and feel her skin against Olivia's for a little while longer.
"Will you be okay?" Olivia murmured as she pulled back, her hand lingering on Amanda's cheek.
Amanda nodded even as she swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. Her fingers were still around Olivia's wrist and she knew it would take all of her willpower to let go.
"What about…?" She began, her voice failing as she gazed up into Olivia's dark eyes.
"What?"
Amanda swallowed once more, glancing away from her. "About us…"
Olivia hesitated for a moment before she leaned in and pressed one more kiss to her head. "Let's talk later, okay?"
"Tonight?"
"Of course." Olivia nodded, her palm retreating from Amanda's cheek. "For now, I have to go."
Amanda's fingers slipped from Olivia's arm though she felt the overwhelming urge to make Olivia stay longer, if only to beg her not to leave her. She should've told her how she felt last night instead of crying about Patton as she had done countless nights before. Her chances with Olivia were slim, and she could feel them grow slimmer once they were back at the precinct, back in real life.
Amanda watched Olivia head towards the door, her throat aching with things that she wished she could say more easily. Olivia tossed one more smile over her shoulder as she left the room, and Amanda could barely return it before she was gone. Her footsteps retreated down the hall, followed by the sound of the deadbolt and doorknob unlocking. When the door shut behind her, Amanda fell back on the bed, her arms spread out around her. Her head was bursting with thoughts that ran in circles through her mind, and it all almost felt too heavy to get up out of bed.
Finally, Amanda glanced over at the clock, cursing as she realized she'd allowed her thoughts to consume her for far too long. Bolting up out of bed, she ran to the bathroom and showered as quickly as her post sex condition would allow. Once dressed, she immediately headed to the 16th. Breakfast would have to wait.
When she arrived, she tried to make herself more presentable as she rode the elevator upwards. She groped her hairband on her wrist before realizing that Olivia had been the last one wearing it and it had most likely fallen out or been discarded on her bathroom counter.
"Damn." She whispered, scraping her half wet hair over one shoulder as the elevator doors opened.
She'd barely begun to compose herself and find an appropriate demeanor in which to engage Olivia with when she heard the very person of her thoughts call to her from across the room.
"Amanda!"
Olivia was at her desk, leaning on the corner with one hand, the phone clutched in her other. Her brow was furrowed with familiar, well-trained concentration, but her expression was interrupted by some other emotion that made Amanda's heart race.
Tossing her keys and coat down on her desk, she turned and found Olivia gazing at her, eyes wide.
"What? What is it?" Amanda demanded breathlessly.
"It's Hughes." Olivia said, her voice holding a low tremor of apprehension. "He's back."