The slow drag of a typical Tuesday was lost, and the morning after haze ripped cruelly from the forefront of her mind. Once she heard Olivia's damning words - he's back - all she could think of was that moment inside the back room of the bodega when panic had collapsed in on her, rendering her frozen and useless.
She wanted his ass. She wanted to shove him to the ground, cuff him, and explain to him how he was never going to see the light of day again. Her's would be the last female flesh that he touched.
By Olivia's strained expression, she knew that her partner could read her thoughts; but the understanding rang different now. Olivia knew her past and the things that kept her awake at night; she knew the acrid taste of perversion that rested at the back of Amanda's throat no matter how she tried to chase it away with the sweetness of justice. She knew now why Amanda had frozen.
All this and more swirled through Amanda's mind as she watched Olivia hang up the phone slowly.
"Where?" She whispered at last. "How?"
"That was the 23rd." Olivia said, meeting her gaze carefully. "They received a call from his ex- wife."
"But how?" Amanda demanded, her voice rising as she charged closer. "We fucking had him."
"I know." Olivia said in a gentle tone, glancing about the rest of the precinct as Amanda's enraged expletives reached nearby detectives. "He violated his probation and broke into her house last night."
"Probation?" Amanda seethed, her heart thudding in her ears.
Her hands were trembling, and she felt like she was groping at the edge of her composure, clinging on by nail and mere grit.
"What fucking judge would give that bastard probation?"
"We haven't figured that out yet." Olivia continued in the same even, soothing tone that made Amanda want scream.
She didn't need babied. This wasn't her bedroom, and this wasn't their midnight sleepover where they whispered secrets under the sheets. This was the real world, and it was more vicious than she had expected in the severe dawn of morning.
Cursing under her breath, Amanda turned back to her desk and unlocked the drawer with trembling hands. Retrieving her service weapon, she attached it to her belt, and slammed the drawer shut with reverberating force.
"Amanda, wait." Olivia insisted, her fingers touching Amanda's elbow with gentle insistence.
"What?" Amanda snapped, jerking her arm away. "We've got to go get the son of a bitch."
"Amanda, it's a hostage situation." Olivia stopped her once more, her fingers clenching more tightly around her arm as she pulled her closer. "They called us out of courtesy. Once they get him out of the house, we'll make the arrest, but until then, we can't do anything."
"Fuck that." Amanda breathed before she had even fully comprehended the information. "Fuck that, Liv, we have-"
"Amanda." Olivia cut her off, the softness slipping from her voice. "Stop. Sit down."
"No, I-"
"I have to go speak with Cragen." Olivia replied firmly. "Now sit down. Breathe."
Amanda pulled away from Olivia's grasp one more time, anger flaring through her veins.
"This isn't right, and you know it." She whispered through clenched teeth. "You know what happened in that bodega-"
"And, believe me, I'd want to arrest him too-" Olivia began to speak over her once more, but Amanda stabbed a finger in her face.
"And now you know what happened in Atlanta." She snapped. "But that does not give you the right to tell me what to do."
Trembling from head to toe, she slumped down into her chair and flipped her laptop open forcibly. Above her, Olivia hovered silently for a moment, searing grudging regret into Amanda's heart. Damning tears burned her eyes, but she couldn't let them fall, and she sure as hell couldn't apologize now.
At last, Olivia murmured, "I'm going to talk to Cragen," and turned away, briskly heading towards the captain's office.
"Damnit." Amanda whispered, clasping her hands over her face as throat and sinuses ached with emotion.
She struggled for several moments to compose herself, and even when she lifted her head, she felt conspicuously flushed. Cradling her forehead in her hand, she stared dejectedly at the NYPD login screen and hoped that no one in the vicinity was staring at her as she imagined they were.
Several minutes passed, and at last, she glanced up, peering towards the windows of the captain's office. Through the half-closed blinds she could see Olivia standing in front of Cragen's desk, the motions of her hands hinting at the intensity of their conversation.
Maybe, she'll convince him to let us go… Amanda mused, half wishful thinking, half serious contemplation.
Olivia's powers of persuasion certainly weren't up for debate, but after the way she had snapped, she wasn't sure which side Olivia was on. Last night, Olivia had been desperate to help her, but Olivia's definition of help wasn't always the same as Amanda's, and what Olivia planned to do with her personal deductions of the situation put a pit of dread in Amanda's stomach.
Shouldn't have told her… The derisive, self-loathing thought passed through her mind, and she pressed her forehead back into her palm, her lids fluttering against a new wave of tears.
She'd always imagined that she would regret the moment that she told anyone about the rape, but she hadn't regretted the moment she'd told Olivia - only these ones that followed, where the implications reached into her present life.
She started when she heard the door to Cragen's office rattle open. Quickly dashing at her tears, she sat up straight, watching intently as Cragen and Olivia emerged, both of their expressions tense and solemn.
"Fin, Amaro." Cragen called the attention of the other two detectives who were presently carrying on by the coffeemaker, unaware of the situation.
"What's up?" Fin asked as they returned to the grouping of their desks.
Olivia sat down at her own desk, her shoulders rigid. Amanda watched her, panic slowly winding through her chest. She tried to catch her eye, but Olivia continued to stare staunchly ahead.
"We've gotten a call from the 2-3." Cragen explained. "Terrance Hughes jumped his bail conditions and broke into his ex-wife's house last night."
"Motherfucker." Fin muttered in disbelief beside her, but all Amanda could do was stare at Olivia's back, tears welling in her eyes.
"They've got a hostage situation over there, and the negotiation and SWAT teams are onsight. Now, I know we all want to get this guy for good, but we've still got a precinct to run, so Fin, I want you and Olivia over there. Amaro, you and Rollins can stay here, hold down the fort."
Amanda's eyes jarred from Olivia's back towards Cragen, disbelief and anger rekindling like the spark before wildfire.
So she gets to go arrest this fucker while she grounds me and-
She'd stood up from the desk before she remembered telling herself too, her chair rattling backwards behind her. Her abrupt movement startled the rest of the team, and she felt their eyes turn on her, but Olivia's were the only ones she cared to meet. Their gazes clashed from across the room, striking an unsustainable tension for a few short, but volatile seconds. Beneath her cool demeanor, Olivia's expression held an apology, but it wasn't good enough.
Without a word, Amanda turned away from their concerned expressions and strode towards the hallway. Her ears were pounding, and trembles that had just begun to smooth out were shuddering through her limbs once more. The hallway blurred in front of her, rimmed in rage and filled with tears as she charged towards the bathroom. She felt sick, mentally and physically, and she was afraid it was all going to come up at once.
"Amanda!" She heard Olivia's voice behind her just as she reached the bathroom door.
Grabbing the doorframe, she leaned heavily on the cold metal, her throat seizing as she listened to Olivia's footsteps behind her.
"Amanda." She said more softly as she reached her.
She hovered behind her, quiet for a moment as though she didn't know what to say.
"What… what did you tell him?" Amanda whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.
There was a pause of silence that Amanda could only read as guilt before Olivia murmured. "Nothing that he couldn't see for himself."
The words ignited another vicious spark inside Amanda's chest and she spun around, meeting Olivia's concerned, but austere gaze.
"You told him something though… didn't you?" Amanda demanded, searching her gaze for some hint of untruth that she knew was lurking inside.
Olivia gazed at her for a stubborn moment before she glanced downwards with a sigh.
"It was several weeks ago. After the night at the bodega." Her voice held a twinge of regret beyond the stiff layer of defensiveness.
"What do you mean?" Amanda whispered, her voice thready.
Her legs felt weak and she sank back against the wall for support as her heart chugged shallowly in her chest.
"I've been doing this for a long time, Amanda." Olivia said at last, lifting her head to look into Amanda's eyes. "I know a rape victim when I see one."
Amanda stared at her, her stomach turning with acidic dread as a fresh wave of humiliation and stinging tears rushed towards the surface.
"Wh-what do you mean?" She repeated, halting, choked tears winding into her voice. "That y-you what…? That you guessed a-and you told him?"
Olivia's brows furrowed, her mouth tightening. "I… insinuated."
"And what if you had been wrong?" Amanda demanded, her voice rising. "What if you invaded my privacy for nothing?"
"But I didn't." Olivia whispered firmly, shoving dread deeper into Amanda's stomach.
"I…" Amanda breathed, sinking down against the wall as she grabbed her knees to keep herself up right. "I don't fucking understand. What… What was the goddamn pointing of forcing me to tell you if you already knew?!"
"Amanda, I didn't force you." Olivia replied, her voice taking on a steely edge that Amanda knew she could cut herself on.
She stared down at the floor until it tilted and blurred before she squeezed her eyes shut. In the silence, her heart pounded and Olivia's presence screamed even louder. Amanda wanted to sink down to the floor completely, but she remained hunched there until her legs and arms trembled.
"We should talk about this, Amanda, but I not now." Olivia said at last, her tone much softer, as though sensed Amanda's defeat, and she gently touched Amanda's arm once more. "Stand up. Let's get you cleaned up."
Amanda straightened slowly, too drained to fight with her any longer. Suddenly embarrassed by herself, she turned quickly towards the bathroom, and pushed the door open with a weak shove. Olivia reached past her, holding it open with a much stronger hand, allowing them both to enter. Amanda slipped inside, her head down.
The bathroom was much cooler than the stuffy hallway, and Amanda felt a small bit of gratitude despite her conflicting feelings towards Olivia at the moment. She wandered to the sink and turned on the faucet, bending towards the cleansing fountain. Cupping the water in her trembling hands, she pressed the sharp, cold liquid to her face, wincing at the harsh temperature upon her flushed cheeks. The shock, however, dulled the flush of humiliation and lingering anger, and she cupped the water again, repeating the process several more times before she felt the puffiness diminishing from her eyes.
Wrenching off the water, she leaned on the sink for a long moment, staring down at the basin. She didn't feel she had the courage to stand and look Olivia in the eye; to apologize or explain or to do anything other than hide away until the memory of this morning passed. She wanted terribly to return to last night, to the safety of a shared bed, of no judgments, and no responsibilities.
Beside her, Olivia pulled out a few paper towels, the plastic dispenser squeaking in the silence.
"Let me see you." She murmured, cupping her fingers beneath Amanda's chin and drawing her closer.
Amanda hesitantly followed her direction, pressing her eyes shut against further tears as Olivia pressed the paper towel to her cheeks, wiping away the water and what was left of her overflowing emotions.
"It's okay to feel things, Amanda." Olivia murmured as she dabbed water from her eyelids and brows. "You can be mad at me as long as you like, but the last thing I want is for you to put yourself into the same situation with Hughes as last time."
Amanda swallowed hard, hardly able to will herself to open her eyes. She felt if she looked into Olivia's eyes that she would break again, that she would fall into her and never be able to pick herself back up.
Instead, she kept them closed and let Olivia wipe away the tears as they began to lace through the lingering water. She only hoped that Olivia wouldn't notice.
xxxxxx
At some point, it had begun to rain.
Olivia and Fin stood beneath the tent that the Hostage Negotiation Team had erected on the sidewalk across the street from the house, dressed in NYPD issued bulletproof vests, windbreakers, and baseball caps, but somehow the rain still managed to get in. The ends of her ponytail and the stray hairs that had escaped were wet, and she knew that her makeup must be ruined by now.
They'd been outside the house for well over three hours, and Olivia was becoming ansty. All she could think of was Amanda, and the entire situation put her stomach in knots.
Perhaps it was better that Amanda knew she'd cautioned Cragen, but it hadn't hurt any less seeing the betrayal in her eyes. It wasn't that Olivia regretted the conversation with Cragen as much as she regretted her behavior towards Amanda at the time. If they had been in a better relationship at the time, the path of this day would be different. The what ifs all lead her back to one thing - her and Amanda's reckless fling.
The virtues of her decisions last night were few, and yet she couldn't bring herself to regret a single moment of what she was sure was the most pleasurable evening of her life. If not for the sudden re-emergence of their past issues, Olivia imagined that she would already be yearning for another night splayed out across Amanda's sheets with the other woman's fingers buried inside her.
If the physical pleasure hadn't been enough, the emotional impact that the tryst had thrust upon her was almost too much to contemplate. It was difficult to reconcile the woman who had cradled her to her chest last night with the woman who'd raged at her outside the precinct bathroom, yet she could not abandon either one of them in her heart. If anything, Amanda's confession last night and her distraught reaction this morning only made Olivia more certain that Amanda had wound her around her finger, tighter than seaman's knot. She couldn't be so certain as to declare some sort of "love" and it was far too soon after the tumult of her relationship with Elliot for her to ponder an everlasting connection, but the way Amanda had managed to crawl into her heart and make a space there insisted on her consideration.
It'd been enough for her to seek measures of protection for the younger detective. She'd been in situations where she'd allowed a perp's actions to become far too personal, and it had never ended well. Although she had known Amanda would protest her confinement to the precinct, Olivia had been certain that it was for the best. She was still certain, but the state of their fledgling relationship nagged at her.
She wondered what Amanda was doing at the moment, how she was feeling, and what she was thinking. Did she think of Olivia with the same intensity? Did she regret the hasty words between them and hope for reconciliation?
She'd been quiet and somber when Olivia had followed her out of the bathroom, hardly looking Olivia in the eye. She'd slunk to her desk, and by then, the urgency of the situation with Hughes had urged Olivia to leave the precinct quickly with Fin. There'd been no more time for reassurances or secluded interventions. She'd pulled her phone out a few times, considering texting her, but she hadn't been able to construct a proper sentence that she felt would come across with her most gentle intentions.
She dipped her hands into her pockets once more, feeling the device in one hand and Elliot's badge in the other. She smoothed her thumb over the familiar surface, each number and shape memorized by her fingers, but she wasn't sure that it held the same reassurance. Instead, it felt heavy in her hand, a weight holding her down. Closing her fingers around it, she discreetly transferred the badge to her back pocket and reinserted her hand into her pockets for warmth.
"They're gonna have to shoot this motherfucker." Fin commented beside her, his arms crossed as her glared at the house.
"Well, I wish they'd hurry up." Olivia commented, garnering a raised brow from Fin as she glanced at her wrist watch.
"You good?" He asked. "You're startin' to sound a little too much like yours truly."
"You and I know both know that he's not going to let her out of there alive." Olivia replied, gazing at the small yellow house across the street. "If he was going to he would've let her go already."
Fin shook his head. "He knows he ain't worth all this."
Olivia peered with disgust past the tent at the carefully placed snipers and the negotiator. She hadn't wanted to take a killshot very often, but she imagined if she could go back in time to the backroom of that bodega, she would've fire just a few inches to right and destroyed the possibility of this timeline every coming to fruition.
"Liv." Fin said suddenly in a confused tone, dragging her attention away from the circus surrounding the house.
"What?"
Fin motioned over her shoulder, and she turned quickly, her eyes skating up the street and back for a half second before her gaze landed on the Crown Vic at the curb, and the small, blonde figure exiting the vehicle.
Her stomach dropped as she recognized Amanda.
"What the hell is she doing here?" She whispered, immediately breaking from Fin's side.
Striding down the sidewalk, she could hear her heart pumping in her ears, apprehension turning her stomach. She was halfway to the Crown Vic when Amanda's gaze caught hers, her blue eyes sharp with stubborn and brash resolve. Amanda held her glare for only moment, long enough to convey her intentions, before she turned and grabbed her bulletproof vest from the car. She lifted it over her head and began to roughly close the straps as Olivia closed the distance between them.
"What do you think you're doing?" Olivia demanded as the rain whipped across her face.
"If you were me, you'd be here too." Amanda returned, tightening the chest straps without meeting her eyes.
"You're disobeying a direct order." Olivia pointed out, grabbing the door of the Crown Vic as Amanda attempted to shut it. "You need to get back in this car and get back to the house."
"Liv." Amanda said her name sharply, her voice holding a warning as she finally glared back at her. "I'm going to be here when they take that bastard down and there's nothing you can do about it."
"No?" Olivia returned, yanking the car door of her grasp once more. "I don't think you want to test that theory."
Amanda's eyes were steely, her jaw clenched, fingers white around her grasp on the door.
"What are you going to do?" She whispered at last. "Make me? Cuff me like a perp?"
Olivia stepped in closer to her, taking direct advantage of the three inches that she had on Amanda as she stared down at her. The last time they'd been this close, Amanda had been ordering her to strip her clothes off and kissing her with unequivocal into Amanda's eyes, Olivia knew the memory wasn't lost to either of them. Amanda seemed to falter, her throat bobbing, though she continued to stare back at her.
"Don't make me do any of that." Olivia murmured at last, reaching up to touch her arm.
Amanda's expression cracked once more, her lids blinking quickly as Olivia cupped the back of her upper arm, squeezing softly.
"I want to be here, Liv." Amanda whispered, her voice losing it's edge to a pleading whimper that swelled beneath.
"I know." Olivia whispered, resisting the urge to pull her to her chest as she had last night and protect her from the ills of the world. "I know, honey."
She risked the affectionate term in lieu of physical affection, hoping that Amanda would crack beneath the gentler handling as she had in the bathroom, but the moment never had a chance to happen.
Behind them, the shouts of the SWAT team swelled in the air, filling Olivia's ears with sudden dread and adrenaline. She spun around, her hand immediately on her side arm as a throng of black, armed figures crowded into the street. Beyond the throng, she could see the front door of the house open. Hughes filled the doorway, his terrified ex-wife clutched in front of him as he held a gun to her head. The scene was far too familiar. She'd seen this all before, only last time it had been Amanda, and the memory grabbed her heart with a steel fist.
She was running up the sidewalk before she could think, rushing to do something, anything; but the next few moments happened too quickly for her to grasp.
The shouting of the SWAT team and the pounding of her boots on the cement dulled in her ears as Hughes shoved the sobbing woman forward. His gun came to bear, and Olivia heard herself shout right before the symphony of bullets pierced the muggy air. She gasped, halting on the sidewalk as Hughes' final victim collapsed to the cement, blood spraying from her back. Behind her, Hughes swayed for a moment as though even death would not take him, but then he crumbled, his chest full of metal, gunpowder and blood.
She felt Amanda collide into her behind her, panting heavily, and for a moment neither of them moved as the scene settled before them, the street suddenly silent enough to hear the echo of the SWAT team's bullets.
She turned slowly, finding Amanda staring blankly at the house.
"Are you okay?" Olivia whispered breathlessly.
Amanda blinked once, her brow furrowing.
"Yeah…" She whispered huskily, her eyes trained on the house for another moment before she turned suddenly and walked back towards the Crown Vic.
Olivia glanced back towards the scene in front of the house, conflicted for a moment over whether she should return to her duties or follow Amanda, but then she too turned, following after Amanda's lone figure.
"Amanda!" She called after her, letting the plea lace each syllable.
Amanda stopped by the car, her shoulders stiff before she glanced back, her wide blue eyes open and wanting. She wouldn't say it, but she didn't want to be alone.
"I'll go with you." Olivia said.
Amanda nodded slowly, her eyes misting over.
"Okay." She whispered roughly, barely clinging to her composure.
Olivia's throat tightened at the sight of her distress, and she broke suddenly from her place, rushing to her. Abandoning her concern of appearances, she grabbed her and pulled her to her chest. In moments, Amanda's rigid facade crumbled, and she began to tremble as she clung to Olivia in return.
"It's okay." Olivia whispered unsteadily, petting the back of her head as she pressed a kiss to soft crown. The whole world seemed uncertain and shattered, but she held her closer and murmured into her hair, "You're okay."