Through the rain-splattered window Amanda watched Olivia pace between two squares of concrete on the sidewalk, her head bent as she cradled the phone to her ear. Her brow was furrowed as she listened before she paced again, one hand motioning diligently through the air. Her rebuttal was lost beneath the rumble of the car engine, the rain, and the din of the crime scene just beyond them.

Amanda pressed her eyes shut as she felt her throat tighten once more. Hot tears pressed against her lids and strove to keep an even expression.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

"Amanda."

Her eyes flicked open, red and watery. Beyond the pane, Olivia was bent, gazing at her through the water droplets on the glass. Her gaze was concerned as she motioned for Amanda to roll the window down.

Amanda shifted, quickly rubbing the back of her hand over her eyes as she grappled for the button. Eventually, the window hummed downwards, letting in a gush of cold air and the lingering smell of Olivia's perfume. The scent of it engulfed Amanda's lungs once more, and she struggled to manage the conflicting emotions warring inside her chest.

"I'm going to take you home, okay?" Olivia said as their eyes met, uninhibited.

Her dark eyes appeared distractingly dark beneath the gloomy sky, offset by the unusually pale pallor of her skin. Her time beneath Mother Earth's tears had left her hair curling against her forehead and jaw, her cheeks glistening. More than anything, Amanda wanted to reach through the window and kiss her, but she didn't. Couldn't.

Finally, she processed what Olivia had said, a protest burgeoning to life in her throat.

"Don't argue, please." Olivia murmured before Amanda could speak.

Olivia's fingers were clenched over the edge of the open window, and Amanda glanced at her blanched white knuckles for distraction or comfort, for something other than the horror and humiliation roiling in her stomach.

She settled back into the seat wordlessly, reaching for the button. The window rose beneath Olivia's fingers, a strong hint for her to move, but Olivia remained there, stubbornly staring at her through the window. Amanda released the button, yet she couldn't quite meet her eyes again. She chewed at her lower lip as she wondered what further secrets and emotions Olivia might mine now that so little was left between them.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked quietly, her eyes boring into Amanda's temple.

Amanda shrugged, picking at a thread on her jeans. Beneath her rigid expression, a flush of red threatened to break her pale surface.

Now that it was all said and done, she didn't know whether she wanted Olivia's cloying concern and comfort. She felt strangely uncomfortable in her own body after what she had seen, knowing that she might've met the same Fate only a few weeks previously. She should feel lucky and grateful to be alive, but something much worse clawed at her insides - something like guilt and self-hatred. Immediately, she had felt that Hughes's escape and subsequent attack on his ex-wife had been her own fault, but once the dust had settled, a deeper sense of horror had arisen.

Patton. This is all because of Patton. Because I let him. And now she knows and now Cragen knows and now -

"Amanda?" Olivia's voice startled her out of her spiraling thoughts.

Her vision cleared, yet not quite to perfect clarity.

"Yeah?" Amanda whispered, her voice rough.

Olivia stared at her for another moment before she suddenly straightened. Amanda swallowed hard, watching her stride around the nose of the Crown Vic before climbing into the drivers' seat. Pulling the door closed, Olivia turned to face her.

"This is not your fault, Amanda." She said immediately, her voice firm and unyielding - but Amanda's heart had never yielded either, her thoughts even less so.

She shrugged once more, and began to roll up the window. She watched the glass rise, cutting off her clear view of the crime scene. Now, it was just a blurred, hazy image of the past.

"You're the one who thought I was dangerous enough in the field to tell Cragen that I'm a 'victim'." Amanda replied, her voice bloated with tears rather than the sharp edge of anger she wished she could possess.

"Amanda." Olivia murmured, deep regret lining her hushed tone.

Amanda clenched her eyes shut against further tears, and rubbed her fingers over her clammy, but feverish forehead.

"Just… please take me home." She insisted. "If that's really what you want to do."

"I do." Olivia returned, her fingers settling gently over the back of Amanda's hand.

Amanda clenched her fingers closed beneath the lingering, comforting touch. If she released her fingers or turned her wrist, they could be connected again, but she couldn't take another sweet embrace. The last had nearly broken her.

At last, Olivia shifted, and her fingers retreated.

In moments, Olivia was driving them away from the scene of death and reopened wounds. The yellow house, spattered in blood, might soon be a memory. It would never be soon enough.

xxxxxx

She didn't need to walk her up, but the sense of responsibility was nagging, the ardent beating of her heart even more so.

She felt ill as she followed Amanda up the stairs, uneasily watching the defeated slope of her shoulders and the heavy steps of her feet as she trudged upwards. She'd hardly spoken a word the entire drive to the apartment, and Olivia was beginning to wonder if she truly had made a terrible mistake in telling Cragen. At the time, she'd convinced herself that it was a necessary evil; at the time, she'd had nothing to lose.

Maybe she's just upset over what happened. Maybe it's just reminding her of things… Olivia mused hopefully as they reached the top of the stairs.

Amanda began to fish her keys out of her pocket, her head bent.

"You can go back to work now if you want." Her voice was riddled with barely controlled emotion, and Olivia wanted to sweep her hair back from her face and look into her eyes again.

She stepped closer, her exhale shaky as she reached out to touch Amanda's arm.

"Amanda…" She murmured as her fingers curled around Amanda's elbow.

Amanda glanced up at her quickly, blinking beneath her disheveled fringe and a haze of tears. Her jaw was set, her mouth tight, but Olivia wanted to believe that it was simply a defense against further outpourings of emotion.

"I'll walk you in." Olivia managed at last, nodding towards the door.

Amanda's brow wrinkled deeper and she tossed a glanced towards the door, her jaw working.

"I… I'm fine, Liv." She stated though her voice trembled with all implications of the contrary. "I want you to know that. I'm not weak. I'm not breakable. I-"

"I know." Olivia interrupted her quietly, her fingers tightening around Amanda's arm while her heart ached in her chest. "What you told me last night… It doesn't change anything, Amanda, I promise."

"How can it not?" Amanda demanded, her sharp blue eyes turning back upon Olivia.

Olivia stared back at her for a moment, trying to come up with a proper response, one that was careful and reassuring. In the silence, Amanda seemed to regret the hasty explanation, shaking her head quickly as she stabbed the key into the lock.

"Nevermind." Amanda muttered, wrenching the door open. "It doesn't matter anyways."

"Why not?" The words now raced quickly from Olivia's tongue, ushered upon a wave of apprehension that she could scarcely comprehend.

"I mean…" Amanda whispered, glancing at her as the door opened beneath her hold. "It was just one night… right?"

Olivia stared at her, struck mute by the weight of her words and all the implications that came in the fallout. Her heartbeat pounded against her ears, and she wondered if Amanda could hear it, this desperate racing of her blood for her.

Finally, she managed to tear her eyes from Amanda's guarded expression, flicking her gaze down the hall for relief from her piercing expression. She felt tears in her own eyes, hot and sharp.

"Is that what it was for you?" She whispered, her voice hollow in her ears.

She met Amanda's eyes again, hoping for the breakdown that she had learned to see coming. She didn't wish for her weakness; only for her need for her.

Amanda pursed her lips, her flesh trembling between her teeth as she fought the tears that were quick to mirror Olivia's.

"I don't know," Amanda said roughly at last. "What do you call it?"

Olivia swallowed hard, her gaze jerking towards the floor. With the question turned upon her, it was much harder to speak, to admit something that bloomed overnight, in the dark, between their secrets and their desires. What she said now might have lasting implications, far harsher than those of a one night stand, the same that had followed her through her affair with Elliot.

"It's not that easy." She whispered, reaching up to swipe a tear from her eye before she met Amanda's eyes again.

Amanda's teeth worked over her lip, and she hesitated, her hand gripping the doorknob.

"I… I just…" She glanced away, blinking quickly before she whispered. "I don't know how to trust you. A-and it's not just about what you told Cragen. It's about everything that's ever happened to me and ever will happen."

Olivia nodded as another rush of tears burned her eyes, and she stepped in closer, grabbing Amanda's hand.

"I know." She whispered. "I know that."

"Do you?" Amanda asked, though it wasn't accusatory; only yearning. "What do you know about me?"

"Not enough." Olivia whispered with a shake of her head. "Not as much as I should, and I'm sorry for that."

Amanda shrugged and glanced back into her apartment. She was quiet for a long moment, and Olivia wanted to speak again, to plead with her if she had to; but at last, Amanda glanced back at her, eyes sharp beneath a lingering glaze of tears.

"Maybe you should just come back after work." She said it quietly, but with an edge that threatened to break through the soft exterior. "Tonight."

"O-okay…" Olivia began to answer, stepping closer even as Amanda began to ease the door shut.

She wanted to say more, but then Amanda was whispering a quiet goodbye, and Olivia was staring at the door, closed tight to her touch and desires. She remained in her place, a tremble working its way from the pit of her stomach to her extremities, disturbed by her sudden lack of clarity into Amanda's wants. Amanda had invited her back, but Olivia imagined that it wasn't to explore their lapse in trust or the events of the afternoon, but rather to bury these inconvenient truths beneath much more convenient distractions. What disturbed Olivia even more was the fact that she wasn't sure she would stop the more pleasant preoccupations from happening at all.

xxxxx

The evening came to a close with the falling of the sun and the quiet slippage of time that hardly mirrored the excitement of the morning. One by one, the other detectives of the 1-6 passed Olivia's desk, murmuring goodbyes until she was alone, staring at the screen of her laptop until the LED began to burn her retinas. She was no stranger to long nights, those crafted by her own hand to avoid the loneliness of her own four walls, but tonight she wasn't sure what she was avoiding. The apprehension gnawed at her stomach, tugging her first towards anxieties over Amanda being alone, then towards the strained, uncertain state of her relationship to Amanda. The conflicting situations and what part she should play in them kept her rooted at her desk, her heart firmly planted in indecision.

She almost imagined she was alone when she heard the door to Cragen's office open, followed by his footsteps. She sat back in her chair, glancing over as he slowed. Their eyes met across the room, and Olivia quickly looked away. She knew how quickly and decisively he could read her expressions, even when she tried to guard herself.

"Burning the midnight oil." Cragen commented at last.

"Something like that." Olivia replied, shifting forward in an attempt to appear concentrated.

"You know… everything is in order for the day." Cragen added after a moment, his voice closer now as he meandered through the desks.

Olivia sighed heavily and sat back in the chair, abandoning the appearance of work as Cragen came to sit on the edge of the desk.

"Come on, kid, what's up?" He urged, garnering a stilted laugh from Olivia.

"Kid?" She repeated, sarcastically. "It's been awhile since you called me that…. And awhile since I've been one."

Silence lapsed between them for a moment, and Olivia stared down at her lap, scrounging for something to say while the smiles slipped from their faces. The somber mood quickly claimed the air between them, drowning out all hints of humor.

"Look." She said at last, her voice rough. "I don't want to break Amanda's trust anymore, but I'm not sure she's…. In a good place."

She glanced up at Cragen, and his brow furrowed.

"Should I give her some time off?"

"I don't know." Olivia sighed, pushing her chair back as she stood. "I don't know what she wants from me."

She flipped her laptop closed and unhooked her sidearm from her belt as Cragen hesitated to answer. She glanced over at him, and his gaze was questioning, reaching for an answer that she couldn't give. She shifted uncomfortably beneath his gaze, and turned away to place her weapon in the drawer. She hadn't meant for the words to come across so intimately.

"What I mean is… I feel like we've finally made progress as partners, but I'm not sure what to do now… as a partner." She finished the sentence awkwardly, hoping Cragen would not be able to intuit the extent of her discomfort. "I want to be able to support her through a rough time, but when she pushes people away… she pushes hard."

"I'll give her some time off." Cragen replied after a moment, graciously relieving Olivia of scrutiny. "My decision."

"Thanks, Captain, but I think she'll be upset either way." Olivia said, grabbing her keys off the desk and her coat from the chair. "She wants to work through it without admitting she needs help."

"Well, you've been there before." Cragen's voice was gentle enough, but it ground Olivia's movements to a halt.

Cragen hadn't said Elliott's name, but they'd moved past the necessity of names. Elliott's importance in her life and her dedication to him had remained unmatched for twelve years, reducing all other competitors to mere blips in her life. Amanda's name entering the arena, contending for a spot that had been largely unattainable, shook Olivia to her core. Perhaps Cragen hadn't meant for the implications to be so heavy, but in Olivia's mind, she could not help but make more intense comparisons.

Was she truly doomed to make the same mistakes again and again?

"I have to go." She murmured as she began to pull her coat on.

"All right." Cragen replied, standing from the desk. "Be safe, Olivia."

She nodded, flashing him a short smile that barely stabilized on her lips for half of a moment before she turned and strode towards the door. As she entered the elevator, she pulled out her phone to text Amanda, and pressed the button for the first floor. Leaning back against the wall, she clutched the phone in both hands and stared at the blinking cursor as it waited for her command.

On my way over. She typed out the simple, neutral message, hesitated for another moment and then pressed send.

Exhaling deeply, she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She'd considered not taking Amanda's invitation to return to her apartment, but the cons had weighed too heavily on her. As much as she didn't want to wrap herself up into another passionate, yet ultimately fruitless affair, her desire to be near her, to hold her, to find some way to connect to her, held more magnetism than her anxious misgivings. Amanda had reduced them to one night stand, one she apparently meant to repeat, but Olivia could not stop herself from caring.

I'll go there… I'll tell her how I feel, how I don't want to repeat my mistakes, how I can't just sleep around with her… She told herself as the elevator shifted downwards. I'll tell her I care about her…

Her phone chimed, taking her thoughts away from her anxious determinations. Bringing the phone to bear, she gazed down at the screen.

Not at home.

Olivia frowned at Amanda's text, her heart slowly beating faster as she stared at the three words. A sense of even deeper apprehension swirled in her stomach and she quickly typed out her reply. Will you be home soon? She paused before adding a second text. Do you still want to see me?

The elevator dinged and shifted to the ground floor, and Olivia slowly left the elevator, her fingers clenched around the phone as she crossed the atrium. As soon as her phone chimed again, she stopped to look at the message, her stomach turning.

I don't know.

She swallowed hard as she read the message over and over again, tears pricking her eyes. She bit hard at her lower lip as she replied You don't know when you'll be home or you don't know if you want to see me?

The reply was almost immediate: Either.

Olivia swallowed once more as her hand slid to her side, her phone with it. She stood in the middle of the atrium for a long moment, her heart pounding at a sickening rate in her ears. She'd planned to spurn Amanda's sexual advances tonight, but Amanda's sudden invitation withdrawal left her confused and smarting.

She blinked quickly, swallowing back tears as she lifted her phone once more and typed quickly, OK. Call if you need anything.

Shoving the phone into her pocket, she strode towards the exit, battling emotion with each and every step.

xxxxx

The phone call awoke Olivia suddenly, the ringing having winded itself into a nightmarish dream she was having before she suddenly came to in a cold sweat. She was lying on her back, panting heavily as the dream cleared from her mind, and the vibrating and chiming of the phone filled in the space between the thumps of her heartbeat.

She pushed herself upright in the bed and scraped her hair back from her face before groping for her phone on the side table. Her mind was so muddled by sleep and dreams that she didn't imagine who was calling her until she flipped the phone over and saw Amanda's name on the screen. The haziness of sleep immediately lifted, and she sat up straighter in the bed, her exhales trembling as she stared down at the vibrating device. Finally, she answered the call and pressed the phone to her ear, all her senses straining for the sound of Amanda's voice.

"Benson."

Amanda's heavy, uncertain breathing greeted her, suddenly and immediately fulfilling every anxiety Olivia had had since leaving her that afternoon. She clutched the phone tighter as her mouth went dry and her heart beat quick and shallow in her chest.

"Amanda?"

Amanda didn't answer though her breathing quickened, laced with emotion that Olivia quickly parsed out of the distressed exhales.

"Amanda, are you all right?" Olivia asked softly, although in truth she wanted to demand what was happening and why.

"I…" Amanda whispered, her voice rough. "Mm… not okay…"

Her tone was ragged and slurred, indicating a level of intoxication that Olivia was far too familiar with hearing.

"Okay, it's okay." Olivia whispered, attempting to remain calm as she tossed back the sheets. "Where are you? I'll come get you."

"Jus' need a ride home." Amanda whispered, her defensiveness nearly lost beneath the weight of alcohol.

"I know, and I'll get you there." Olivia whispered. "I promise."

"Didn't know… who else to call…"

"I know…"

Silence crackled through the phone for a moment before Amanda's jagged whimper swelled in Olivia's ear, tearing at her heart.

"I fucked up, Liv…"

"It's okay."

"I was gonna try… Gonna try to stop, b-but…"

Olivia slowed her heart beating faster as she tried to ascertain the meaning of Amanda's words. Her palm felt sweaty against her phone, and she suddenly felt that there were things, many things that she didn't know, things that Amanda had hidden from everyone.

"Stop what?" She whispered huskily.

"God, I…" Amanda groaned, her words tapering off into heavy, panicking breathing. "Please, just… come get me."

"Okay, send me your location." Olivia whispered. "Can you do that?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay."

Amanda slowly quieted until there was nothing but static over the line, and Olivia wondered if she had slipped into a stupor, but then, her voice crackled through the speaker.

"Don't hate me, Liv."

"What? I don't-"

"I don't think I could live with that."

Olivia swallowed hard, her heart fracturing with each fragile beat, and Amanda's quiet pleading words. She knew she shouldn't be swept away in emotions; she shouldn't feel so much when so little was certain, but she didn't feel completely in control of herself even after she'd sworn to be firm and steadfast.

"Just send me the location." She whispered at last, struggling to keep her voice even. "And I'll be there as soon as possible."

"Okay…" Amanda murmured, and then she was gone, the phone dead in Olivia's ear.

She let it slip from her cheek and she stared across the room for a long moment, her thoughts churning. When her phone pinged again, Olivia glanced down at Amanda's location, and she knew immediately that whatever Amanda had gotten herself into, it wasn't good.

Standing from the bed, she grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on under the baggy t shirt she was wearing before she turned to her side table. Opening the drawer, she pulled out her personal weapon and slipped the magazine in with a smack of her palm. Flicking the safety on, she tucked the barrel beneath the waistband of her jeans and grabbed her phone.

I don't hate you. She began to type to Amanda, staring at the words for a moment before she erased them and wrote instead, Hang in there. I'm coming.