If Olivia took the FDR straight through Harlem, she could be there in 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes.
That was how long it might take for this all to be over.
Crouched against the side of a bodega, a cigarette in one hand and half cold cup of coffee in the other, Amanda gazed at the skyline through blurry eyes. She could almost see Rikers across the East River from her position amidst the low-riding, dreary structures of Mott Haven. She'd heard the Bronx was a crime-ridden, depressing part of New York City, but stories and tales had never really captured how the city seemed like another part of the world, especially to Amanda. This otherworldly place, however, had little to do with the ethereal or supernatural and more to do with the desperate and addicted.
Tapping out her ashes, Amanda took another gulp of the bitter coffee, wincing as it slipped acidicly down her throat. She'd hoped it would sober her up, help her seem less pathetic once Olivia showed up, her face lined with concern and that gut-wrenching pity.
She wasn't proud of her choices, especially since they'd cost her money she didn't really have to begin with, leaving her stranded and wasted on a high that never quite lasted long enough. She'd slipped out of the bodega, drunk and half delirious from the smoke that had filled the underground gambling room. She'd puked somewhere in the alley before collapsing here in tears, used up by allure of chance. It was always these moments where the regret came down upon her, crushing in its intensity.
Eventually, she'd wiped her face, used the last of her change to buy the coffee in her hand before calling Olivia and emotionally imploding once more.
As much as she hated the prospect of explaining this entire situation and the hows and whys of her presence here, Amanda had found the ride home on the subway daunting. She hadn't quite adjusted to the grimy transit of NYC nor the men that seemed to fill every platform, their eyes raking over her, unbridled. The trip here had been uncomfortable enough in the early evening, but now in the small hours of the morning, she surmised that it would be unbearable if not outright dangerous.
And backroom gambling dens in the middle of the Bronx aren't? She questioned herself sarcastically, taking another drag of the cigarette.
Lowering her head against her knee, she blew out the smoke, and pressed her eyes shut against the swimming sensation of her body.
She'd sat here for quite some time before making the call to Olivia, trying to search for some other alternative, but she wasn't sober enough to fool herself. She'd wanted to call Olivia. She'd wanted to see her before she'd even taken this reckless trip across the boroughs, but she'd tried to resist. She'd tried to pretend that she'd only wanted Olivia for a night and that one night had been enough, as if she hadn't already imagined their lives intertwining while they had laid intertwined, their legs making maps of her dreams.
Shattered dreams.
Once Olivia was aware of her illegal activities, Amanda was certain that her slim chances with Olivia would be ground to nothing.
How long did you really think you could fool her?
"Hey, there, little lady… just taking a break?" The leering voice was a distraction from her thoughts, though not a pleasant one.
Amanda lifted her head slowly, squinting to focus on the man hovering above her on the sidewalk, his gaze gleefully searching for an affirmative. She glanced down at her clothing, regular jeans and button-up blouse, then back up at the man, disdain curling her lip.
"Do I look like a hooker to you?" She asked, her lips forming sluggishly but angrily around the words.
He stared at her, seemingly offended at her tone as he glanced up and down the sidewalk.
"Dunno." He said at last before digging in his pocket and withdrawing a lighter. "Your smoke went out. Want a light?"
"God, fuck off." Amanda groaned, leaning her throbbing head back against the wall.
"Hey, I'm trying to be nice!" He began to protest as she noticed car lights approaching.
She began to push herself up against the wall, watching hopefully as the Crown Vic rolled closer. Her stomach was turning and she knew she should be more worried about her inebriated state and her position alone on the sidewalk with a man who thought she was a prostitute, but as soon as the possibility of Olivia's presence entered her mind, she could only watch the car on the street.
"Who's this, your pimp?" The man demanded belligerently as the Crown Vic parked next to the curb.
The car door opened and Olivia ducked out, sending relief and dread through Amanda's stomach all at once. She breathed out shakily as their eyes met over the top of the car, and tossed the cigarette to the sidewalk.
Olivia left the car, purposefully striding to the sidewalk with a stony expression. Amanda hoped quietly that the concern she'd recoiled at only minutes ago was hiding somewhere beneath.
"Who's this?" Olivia asked, motioning towards the man as she approached Amanda.
Her eyes bounced critically between Amanda and her would-be solicitor, one arm poised behind her back. Amanda glanced towards the curve of her spine, swallowing hard as she noticed Olivia's fingers curled around the butt of her gun.
She thinks I'm in trouble… In danger…
She realized she hadn't answered, but the entire situation felt too surreal and she was still far too intoxicated to process each second as quickly as it happened.
"Get lost." Olivia ordered at last, tossing her head towards the opposite sidewalk.
"Whatever." The man retorted with a scoff, but meanered down the sidewalk, muttering under his breath, something about how she wasn't worth his time.
Amanda breathed out heavily as he disappeared with a strained laugh, "He thought he was about to get lucky… ya know…"
Rigid silence greeted her and she glanced over at Olivia, her joking facade slipping from her face. Olivia was staring at her, her jaw clenched, her arm still poised behind her back.
"What is this?" Olivia asked, her tone firm and demanding. "Tell me right now."
Amanda swallowed hard and took the last sip of her coffee. Crushing the styrofoam cup, she tossed it towards a nearby pile of trash, and stuffed her hands into her pockets.
"I just needed a ride." She whispered, staring at the ground.
"Amanda…" Olivia whispered, suddenly stepping closer and grabbing her by the arms. "You called me in the middle of the night. You were crying a-and drunk, and asking me not to hate you. I thought ..."
Her voice suddenly trailed away, and Amanda glanced up at her, tears pricking her eyes.
"Well, I'm sorry." She replied, her tight throat barely releasing the words. "I shouldn't have."
"No… No, I'm glad you called me." Olivia murmured though her posture remained rigid and defensive.
Amanda glanced away, pursing her lips against further urges to mentally collapse. Olivia was right. She had already done enough for Amanda tonight.
"You can just take me home." Amanda whispered. "You don't have to do anything else."
Olivia's fingers lingered on her arms for a moment before loosening.
"I'm not taking you anywhere until you tell me what this is about." Olivia said at last, her voice quiet but firm. "Why you're here… Why I would hate you…"
Amanda fought harder against tears, staring harder at the horizon. She wanted nothing to do with damaging Olivia's already precarious opinion of her, but she knew from the moment she'd picked up the phone that she would have to. Olivia would not let this go, not tonight nor any day after.
"I'm fine, Olivia. I'm not hurt or anything. I just… Can't we just…?" Her voice fell, sharpening with tears. "Go back to last night?"
Olivia's fingers tightened around her arms, almost imperceptibly, and Amanda glanced back at her, finding her eyes golden and glossy beneath the harsh lights of the bodega behind them.
"I don't think so." She said at last, her mouth tightened against trembling emotion.
"Fuck." Amanda whispered, pulling away from her. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called."
She turned away, clutching her face in her hands as tears throbbed harder at the back of her eyes, begging for release. She hadn't expected the answer to be yes. Nothing was ever that easy with Olivia, but in some fantastical part of Amanda's brain, she'd wished.
"Amanda…" Olivia murmured softly.
Her voice was enticing, so gentle and assuring, and Amanda wanted to turn and fall into her again. It'd barely been a day since they'd wrapped themselves in each other's arms, but Amanda wondered if she'd ever stop wanting to fold herself into Olivia's breast. Would this longing ever leave her chest? Would she always feel as though she were breaking every time they were apart? She was afraid these feelings would never escape her body and even more afraid that Olivia would not remain to sate that need.
She felt Olivia's hands on her hips, squeezing gently and persuasively and a moan rolled up her throat. She clenched her hands over her mouth, muffling the fevered cry before Olivia gathered her even closer. With her arms around Amanda's stomach, she cradled her back against her chest, and pressed her mouth to Amanda's neck in silence. Amanda trembled, her senses drowning in the soft press and curve of Olivia's body against her, so close to what they had had only one night previously. Strangely, her embrace calmed rather than excited the tears in her eyes, and she sank back against Olivia. Her hands slipped from her face to Olivia's forearms, and it was only then she felt the other woman trembling too.
Breathing unevenly, she turned slowly in Olivia's arms, and Olivia loosened her grasp, allowing Amanda to face her. As soon as Amanda's chest was pressed to her own, she pulled her closer again, cradling the back of Amanda's head as she pressed her face into the curve of Amanda's neck. Amanda stared over her shoulder at the dark sky, her hands resting hesitantly on Olivia's shoulders while Olivia clutched her close with enough certainty for both of them.
A long minute passed until at last, Olivia's arms slackened and she slowly straightened. Amanda stared up at her, uncertain of what exactly had happened and what she should do now.
Olivia cleared her throat as her arms slipped completely from Amanda's waist. She glanced towards the car, her brow furrowed.
"I should take you home." She said, though she didn't seem altogether convinced.
"I thought you…" Amanda whispered, tossing a glance back towards the bodega and the backroom gambling hall that was hidden behind it's humble facade.
"You can tell me when you're ready." Olivia said quickly, ducking her head as she headed towards the Crown Vic.
Amanda remained on the sidewalk for a moment, simultaneously confused and relieved. She had expected to face undaunting determination from Olivia, but instead she felt as though she had peeked beneath a sheer, gossamer veil which separated Olivia's resolute demeanor from her quivering fears. The thought warmed her at first, that Olivia opened herself to her, but it also rattled her. She didn't feel so prepared to tend to another heart; she barely felt equipped to care for her own.
She wandered slowly to the passengers' side of the Crown Vic and pulled the door open. Slipping inside, she pulled the door shut, and sank down against the arm rest. She stared out the window, her breathing washing thready mist across the glass as Olivia pulled away from the bodega.
She suddenly felt tears in her eyes again, and she closed her lids, clenching her arms over her stomach. Olivia was quiet, and she couldn't break the silence.
xxxxx
Amanda didn't realize that she had drifted away from the conscious world until she felt Olivia's hand on her shoulder and the sound of her voice in her ear.
"Amanda, honey, we're here."
Amanda shifted in the seat with a groan, tilting her head upright. Her neck ached after being bent in an awkward position for the past twenty minutes, and she rubbed at the sore muscle as she straightened.
Her eyes were dry as she blinked them open to see Olivia gazing at her, offering a soft smile.
"Are you all right?" She asked, rubbing Amanda's shoulder.
"Yeah, I just… didn't realize I fell asleep." Amanda whispered roughly, glancing out the window.
She paused as her eyes took in the view of the apartment building beyond - but it wasn't her apartment.
Amanda turned quickly back towards Olivia, whispering, "Where are we?"
"I didn't want you to be alone." Olivia answered quietly, gazing past Amanda at the building. "I thought it might be good for you to spend the night with me."
Amanda gazed at her for a moment, her heart racing. She didn't want to lift her expectations high enough to be crushed, but after the way Olivia had embraced her on the sidewalk and now offered to share her bed tonight, Amanda could not help but imagine how they might find themselves comforting each other again.
"Okay." She whispered at last, complying in a manner that she hoped didn't seem so desperate, so riddled with need.
Olivia nodded in affirmation before she unbuckled her seatbelt and pushed the door open. For a moment, Amanda listened to her heavy exhales in the solitude of the car before she slowly groped for the car door handle. Following Olivia out of the car, she watched the older woman's posture as she trailed after her towards the apartment building, but she could scarcely read her expression.
The ensuing trek upwards to Olivia's apartment left Amanda restless and desperate for even a glance behind Olivia's stoic facade once more. The yearning had hardly begun to leave after the moment of desperation on the sidewalk; instead, it seemed to have increased and burgeoned, swelling to a throbbing insistence in her mind. She almost wanted to pull Olivia around and confess. She'd begin by saying that she'd made a mistake and that she had made mistakes often, and then she would hope that Olivia loved her anyway without the conditions that their profession demanded.
Amanda's throat felt tight as they reached Olivia's door and Olivia began to unlock the apartment. Amanda chewed on her lower lip, battling each painful urge to cry out her deepest desires and emotions. As Olivia opened the door, Amanda scrubbed the sleeve of her shirt quickly over her eyes and followed her inside.
"I've got some extra pajamas if you'd like." Olivia said as she led Amanda towards the bedroom. "I don't have another toothbrush though."
"It's okay." Amanda barely managed to whisper as Olivia opened the bedroom door and turned on the lights.
Amanda stepped into the room, standing next to Olivia as she took in the small, simple room, the bedsheets dotted in small flowers, the pillows and shams with their frilly borders. She clenched her jaw as tears roared to life in her eyes, and she felt Olivia's hand bump against her own. She couldn't look over at her as Olivia took her hand, and squeezed it for a moment.
"Is it all right?" Olivia whispered, and Amanda clenched her eyes shut while her fingers trembled around Olivia's.
More than okay. She wanted to reply, but instead she nodded, unable to speak.
"Amanda…" Olivia's voice was imploring. "Please, tell me you're all right."
Amanda glanced over at her as a tear slipped from her eye. She tried to meet Olivia's gaze directly with reassurance, but when she looked into Olivia's expression, she saw more than concern, more than duty or friendship could offer.
She moved before she could think, pulling Olivia closer as she tilted her chin up to close the space between them. Their mouths joined, their lips pressed against one anothers for a long moment as they stood still as if in a trance. With each fleeting second, Amanda tried to glean every ounce of warmth and pleasure that she could before she imagined this moment might be broken, but at last, Olivia's fingers tightened around her own, and she turned, pressing Amanda against the door behind them. The door shifted shut beneath her weight, jarring a breath from her lips as Olivia clutched her hip and slanted their mouths into a deeper kiss.
Pleasure and fluttering excitement burst through Amanda's veins, followed by a deeper ache that informed her this moment would be far different than last night when they blindly followed their desires with the sole intent of passion. Her words on her doorstep only hours ago - it was only one night - haunted her with painful regret, and she curled her fingers over the back of Olivia's neck, clutching her closer.
Olivia moaned quietly in return, her tongue dipping deeper while her grasp on Amanda's hip shifted and tightened beneath her buttock. Amanda dragged her palm over Olivia's side, squeezing her warm flesh through the thin layer of her t-shirt until she reached her breast. Olivia's mouth broke from Amanda's lips as Amanda massaged her breast, stroking her nipple to hardness against the cotton. Olivia pressed her forehead against Amanda's, breathing heavily in the silence. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and Amanda prayed that she wouldn't pull away.
Tugging her closer, she pressed her mouth to Olivia's neck and kissed the thrumming of her pulse. She felt Olivia tremble against her, and she squeezed her breast one more time before dipping her hand lower, groping for the edge of her t-shirt. She could feel Olivia's hesitation even as she quivered in pleasure, and Amanda felt as though she were rushing to close up a crack in a dam before it all collapsed.
Gathering the hem of Olivia's shirt where it fell at her hip, Amanda slipped her hand beneath, encountering warm, reactive skin, and then suddenly, the cold butt of the gun where it was still tucked beneath the waistband of Olivia's jeans. She paused, her hand faltering as she immediately recalled the look of distress on Olivia's face. Olivia's lids fluttered open as Amanda's touches trailed into nothing. Their eyes met, and they stared at each other for a long moment, each breathing unevenly.
Finally, Amanda wrapped her fingers around the weapon, dislodging it from its place behind Olivia's back. Holding it in her hands between them, she gazed down at the gun, her throat aching.
"I thought you were…" Olivia began to whisper, shaking her head.
"It's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared, right?" Amanda whispered, blinking away another bout of vicious tears as she attempted a jab at levity.
Olivia was quiet as she wrapped her fingers around the gun, taking it slowly from Amanda's palm. She eased away from Amanda as she released the magazine and ejected the round from the barrel. Amanda watched her, swallowing hard as she realized how prepared Olivia had been to defend her. As it turned out, Amanda hadn't needed protection from a violent perpetrator - only from herself.
"Liv, I…" Amanda pushed away from the door, her voice catching as Olivia placed the gun in the side table drawer and closed it firmly. "I'm sorry. You deserve to know what happened. I pulled you into this. I-"
"Don't." Olivia whispered quietly, her shoulders taut as she turned to face Amanda once more. "Not tonight."
Amanda stared back at her, silenced by Olivia's sudden and willful ignorance. Olivia met her gaze, her expression both pleading and determined.
"I thought you wanted to know." Amanda whispered at last.
Olivia glanced downwards, and Amanda could see the way her shoulders coiled and her jaw clenched with emotion, until at last she lifted her chin with trembling determination.
"Tomorrow." Olivia whispered, her voice husky. "Tonight, I want…."
Her words tapered into uneven breaths, and they gazed at each other for another moment in which Amanda thought she might've misconstrued this entire night for her own benefit, but Olivia's expression never changed, nor did the meaning of her words.
Taking a dubious step forward, Amanda hesitantly crossed the room until they were face to face again, their exhales ripe and heavy between their lips. Amanda took in each curve of her cheeks and jaw, every hair on her brow and temple, every lash and nuance of her dark eyes, and she trembled with desire. There wasn't a single part of Olivia's body that lied in it's want of her.
Quaking with the intensity of Olivia's magnetism, Amanda surrendered the pull of desire despite the groaning of her conscience and pressed into her, claiming Olivia's lips once more. Olivia sank into her, immediately deepening the kiss as she clasped her hands over Amanda's and guided them to her hips. Amanda moaned, urging Olivia back towards the bed as the sound of her desire rose like a roaring tide in her ears, drowning out all thoughts of taking the higher ground. Olivia wanted to bury their doubts and fears beneath the sheets, beneath kisses and pleasure, and the lingering cover of the night, and although she knew that she owed Olivia the truth, Amanda could not bring herself to stop any of it.
Tomorrow… She thought vaguely as they collapsed to the mattress, once more in a tangle of limbs and dreams. I'll tell her… tomorrow.