The apartment had grown quiet. Their heavy breathing calmed; shivers smoothed out; perspiration dried upon flesh. Olivia's mind, however, would not quiet; could not quiet.
Amanda laid halfway on her stomach, her leg arched over Olivia's. Her hand was slumped between Olivia's thighs where it had previously wrought intense and desperate pleasure. She'd fallen asleep soon after the final orgasm, seemingly unable to battle the exhaustion written into her heavy lids. Olivia had let her drift away without argument while she stared up at the ceiling or beyond the window to the skyline beyond.
She thought again that she might've made a mistake in allowing herself to fall so easily to Amanda's arms once more. She'd exchanged the truth for pleasure; for a few precious hours of distraction. She had meant for this night to be one of honest discussion, but the ensuing events of Hughes' escape and Amanda's secretive trip to the Bronx had stripped bare her determination. Now, Amanda's hooks were deep in her flesh. Removing them would cause more injury than she was sure she could take.
Olivia glanced down at Amanda's peaceful face, ignoring the urge to gently touch her face or kiss her once more. Instead, she slowly shifted her shoulder and leg out from under Amanda's limp body. Rolling onto her opposite side, she curled her legs up against her stomach and stared at the wall for a moment before she forced her eyes shut.
It had only been one night since she'd wavered between the familiarity of her past relationship with Elliot and a terrifying venture into the unknown with Amanda. Could she be overinflating her emotions; finding things that weren't there in order to feel something other than heartache? Was this all simply all a rebound; a distraction from the painful break with Elliot? Even after all the ways he'd hurt her, she could not deny loving him or at least, the memory of what had been. Was she channelling everything she couldn't give to him into Amanda?
What scared her most of all was that she didn't know the answers to those burning questions.
She'd first imagined that a one-night stand with Amanda that would give them both what they wanted would be safer than returning to Elliot. Now, she felt that she had stepped into a more dangerous arena of romantic entanglement. Where once she had been enthralled by Elliot's loyalty and steadfast protection of her, she now felt enamored of Amanda's devotion and enduring determination. What she'd had with Elliot had grown out of years of having no other choice but to rely on each other. Whatever mutated between her and Amanda now had been born of much less forgiving circumstances and the slim chances that they would ever even meet, much less fall in love.
Falling in love with someone over twelve years seemed feasible and even expected. Falling in love in one day was a childish daydream - or a feat of Fate and God. Olivia supposed that categorization all depended upon perspective and convictions. She'd never quite settled on a belief, always caught between practicality and the desperate need to find some respite from the senseless uncertainty of the world. Where love fell in the spectrum was even harder to answer.
She could ignore God forever, but not love.
In the dark, she breathed a trembling breath into the dark as she listened to her heart beat. For a stretch of time that felt long and unending, she listened to the sounds of the city beyond, hoping that they would drown out the anxious racing of her blood in her ears.
When she felt Amanda shift behind her, her eyes flickered open. She felt her warm fingers slipping over her back, then lower to her hip. Another breath left her lips as Amanda's fingers squeezed her hip and slid closer to her. Her breasts and tummy pressed flush against Oliva's back while her thighs aligned with Olivia's, hips grinding against her buttocks.
"'Manda…" Olivia whispered, her voice husky in the quiet as Amanda's warm exhale spread over her neck as prequel to her kiss.
"I thought you might be gone…" Amanda mumbled, sleep still clinging to her voice as her arm wound around Olivia's waist, holding her closer.
Olivia pressed her eyes shut as her heart and body yearned for a second surrender within the night. She clutched Amanda's arm, but her sense of direction was lost as Amanda's palm spread down her stomach, dipping into the cradle of her thighs. The pleasure came slower this time, drawn out into a slow burn unlike hours earlier when they'd torn each other's clothes away in a desperate bid for distraction and release. She had time to protest, to think of something other than the feeling of Amanda's fingers seeking between her legs, but the required force of will never materialized in her mind.
She sank back against Amanda, shifting her legs apart as Amanda's mouth claimed her neck. She could feel the bruise forming beneath Amanda's lips and teeth as Amanda's fingers slipping to the core of her being. Desire was already growing sticky and hot within her, and the lingering tenderness of her flesh from the deep, aching touch of Amanda's fingers hours before heightened the present sensitivity. She groaned as she felt Amanda's fingers skim her clitoris before dipping into swollen labia, swirling though growing wetness. She grabbed the pillow, her fingers biting into cotton as she pressed her face into the material in an attempt to muffle the whimpered sounds of pleasure growing in her throat.
"God…" Amanda's mouth broke from her neck, her voice marked with both desire and torment.
They both felt the strain and uncertainty they'd tried so hard to chase away, but Olivia could not turn and resist, and seemingly, neither could Amanda.
Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, her breath coming in short, hard bursts as Amanda's fingers circled below, driving the pleasure to increasingly unbearable heights. With a trembling grasp, she grabbed onto Amanda's arm, while her hips squirmed. Her thighs tightened around Amanda's hand, temporarily halting the temptation of further blissful ignorance.
Amanda released a low groan, and pressed her perspiring forehead against Olivia's neck. Her hand quivered between Olivia's thighs, and Olivia could feel them both clinging to the concept of better judgment, but again, the moment crumbled. Spreading her hand up Olivia's thigh, Amanda stretched her thighs open with enough force to jar a gasp from Olivia's throat.
In moments, Amanda had thrown the sheet back from their bodies and sank down between Olivia's legs, breathing heavily.
"God, I…" She rasped as she smeared kisses against Olivia's thigh. "I can't… I can't stop touching you…"
Her voice was strangled with pleasure, but notes of something deeper and much less erotic clung to the undertones. Whatever she'd refused to tell Olivia hovered just beneath every single touch and every single word, but the pull of desire held just enough magnetism to mask the bitter hints of doubt and regret. Their night that had been meant to be only one had bled into another and soon, Olivia sensed, another. The morning was nearly upon them and they'd scarcely begun to pull themselves away and into more respectable positions; rather, they'd fallen once more to the allure and respite of a pleasure that neither of them could deny.
Reaching down, Olivia grasped Amanda's hair with a trembling hand as Amanda's fingers dipped between her legs, piercing her easily upon the abundance of her pleasure. Her thighs seized but she dug her heels into the mattress and her head into the pillow, moaning as Amanda's fingers rocked into her, once then twice before slipping out to massage her quivering entrance. She sank down against the mattress, panting erratically as Amanda swirled her fingers through her wetness, whispering her awe, before plunging inside again.
"Nnngghhh…" Olivia's groaned sharply, her teeth colliding as Amanda's fingers worked into with a suave twist of her wrist.
She endured the ensuing pumps of Amanda's fingers, clinging to the hope that she could ride her hand to the very end, but Amanda's touch slipped away once more. Olivia's fingers were clumsily twisted in Amanda's hair, but she could barely wrench her closer as she so desperately desired. Instead, she lay panting and sweating against the sheets, her legs splayed open as Amanda's fingers tortured her clit and labia once more before sinking into her tender body for a third time.
"Amanda!" She cried out weakly as her hips arched up in a plea.
"You're so...so beautiful." She heard Amanda utter the choked whisper below her, and sharp pin pricks jabbed as the back of her tightly closed lids.
Clenching her jaw, she fought over each conflicting emotion. Tightening her fingers around Amanda's hair, she dragged her closer at last. Amanda's mouth pressed against her clit, her lips warm and soft before opening with hot pressure. Her fingers slipped away as she sank fully between Olivia's legs and grabbed her hips with both hands.
"God...yes…" She groaned as Amanda's enclosed her throbbing pussy with the assurance of fulfillment.
Pushing off all thoughts of morning, she arched her legs over Amanda's shoulders, tilted her head back against the pillow, and rode each wave of pleasure until she could feel naught but the rage of climax shattering her whole body, over and over again. She knew it could not last forever, but it could at least last until morning.
xxxxxxx
In the dark, almost anything could happen. The cover of night held a disguise that the morning light too easily chased away. As the sun rose, so came reality.
Amanda awoke, lying on her stomach, one arm draped over the edge, half numb. At first, she didn't move, only opening her eyes to squint as the unfamiliar surroundings of Olivia's apartment.
She'd fallen asleep where Olivia's had positioned after she'd gone down on her in the middle of the night. The mystery and intrigue of nighttime had been fading even then. She'd felt Olivia's uncertainty even as Olivia pushed her head between her legs; and she'd felt it even more when Olivia had urged her into her stomach with barely a kiss. The burgeoning dread hadn't stopped her from begging for Olivia's unfettered passion, however.
Her limbs felt weak even now, but more than that she didn't wish for the strength to rise. She didn't feel Olivia next to her.
She let her eyes flutter closed, listening for any sound beyond. She was relieved when she heard movement from what she guessed was the kitchen due to the clink of dishware and cabinets. Her eyes opened again and she gazed at the window with it's taupe curtains and the dresser with it's assorted candles and scattered jewelry.
It all felt too good to be true. What was worse was that she knew it was.
She rolled slowly onto her back and cradled her tingling arm against her chest. The feeling returned to the nerve endings while she stared up at the ceiling and gathered her strength.
Finally, she told herself that she was only postponing the inevitable and tossed back the sheets. Sitting up, she glanced around for her clothes and scraped her hair back from her face. She spotted her pants near the end of the bed and stood up to grab them. She followed the trail around to the other side of the bed, slowly erasing the evidence of the previous night.
Once she was dressed, she hesitantly opened the bedroom door and peaked out. The apartment was quiet and Amanda slipped out into the hall, searching for Olivia's location. As she reached the entryway, she found Olivia standing at the kitchen counter, coffee cup in one hand, cell phone in the other. Her hair was half dried from showering, leaving her waves soft and natural around her jaw and neck.
Amanda hesitated to speak, valuing the last few moments of domestic bliss, or as close to domestic bliss as they'd ever come.
"Hey." She said at last, nervously stuffing her hands into her pockets as she took another step into the kitchen.
Olivia glanced up at her with a short smile that barely covered the exhaustion that hid in the shadow of her eyes and the tightness of her shoulders. Amanda wondered if she'd slept at all, and felt a sting of guilt.
"Hi." Olivia replied quietly, taking another sip of her coffee as she tapped out the rest of her text.
Amanda watched her send the message before setting the phone down and turning towards her.
"You want some coffee?" Olivia asked, motioning towards the pot. "I usually don't make it here but I…"
"Didn't trust me here by myself?" Amanda finished her sentence with a half hearted joking inflection.
Olivia frowned, setting the coffee cup down on the counter.
"I said we'd talk and we didn't." She said firmly though she barely met Amanda's eyes. "That's my fault."
"Mmmm..." Amanda hummed a contradictory tone as she stepped closer to Olivia. "That was before I had complete mental breakdown and-"
She stopped as Olivia met her gaze. She could see the expectancy resting within the clear, pointed glance. She was waiting for the truth, the confession that Amanda should've given her last night.
Amanda bit her lip, dropping her eyes towards the counter, focusing on Olivia's fingers wrapped around the handle of the mug with too much pressure. She'd promised herself she would tell Olivia about last night, but it seemed so much more difficult when she was standing in Olivia's kitchen like she almost nearly belonged there, having just come from her bed where she could possibly, just maybe spend every evening in the future.
"I said you could tell me when you're ready, but I have to tell you, Amanda…" Olivia began, her voice hushed. "I can't do this if you're not truthful with me."
Amanda swallowed hard, nodding quickly. " I know, I know."
She pressed her fingers to her eyes, fighting hard not to cry so easily; but she knew what was at stake and it was so much more than she'd had to live for in a long, long time.
"I can't…. We can't have any other conversations about this until I know what happened last night." Olivia continued, an edge entering her voice that threatened Amanda's fears even further.
She glanced up at Olivia quickly, despite knowing tears still clung to her lashes.
"So…" She whispered, her voice trembling. "We can't… Anymore?"
Olivia met her gaze, her eyes glossy, but her expression firm.
"No." She whispered roughly.
Amanda stared at her, fighting back new waves of tears. Finally, she glanced away.
"Okay."
Silence fell over them for a long moment before Amanda turned away, wiping her hands over her cheeks.
"Can I use your shower?" She asked, her voice still holding a tremble.
"Of course… There's towels in the hall closet."
"Thanks." Amanda muttered before she escaped into the hallway, forgetting the towel as she rushed into the bathroom.
She barely managed to hold the pieces of herself together as she struggled out of her clothes and wrenched the water on. It was nearly too hot but she stepped beneath the spray, and let the pounding of the water drown out her tears.
She already felt that she was losing. Olivia had abandoned her better judgement last night, but she'd regained her unflinching moral duty far more easily than Amanda had wished for. Once she told Olivia the truth, she was certain that Olivia would invoke her stringent beliefs with even more ferverence than before. Even now Olivia denied her, but telling her would be so much more painful. Her regrets grew suddenly and unbearably, ranging from wishing she had never called Olivia last night to never moving to New York to begin with.
By the time she left the shower, her brain was muddled, and she could only focus on the fact that if she lost Olivia, the only thing worth her time in NYC, that she would simply have to return to Atlanta with her tail between her legs. She couldn't possibly be a platonic figure in Olivia's life nor could she hide her secret from Olivia if she stayed and she thought she might rather die than admit to the reason she'd been in the Bronx last night.
She dressed and tied back her wet hair, her movements numb. When she left the bathroom, she found Olivia dressed, makeup painted over the darkness under her eyes. She was slowly pacing by the couch in the living room, checking her phone as Amanda approached. She glanced up, hesitating on Amanda's misty-eyed expression for a moment.
"I'm sorry to rush you." She said at last. "But I'd really like not to be late."
"It's okay." Amanda replied quietly. "I'm ready."
Olivia gazed at her for another second as though she expected Amanda's facade of bravery to collapse at any second. When it didn't, she nodded in agreement and strode towards the door. Amanda followed slowly after her, stepping aside in the hall to allow Olivia to lock the door behind them.
After securing the deadbolt, Olivia glanced up at her once more, her brow furrowed. She seemed to want to say something, and for a moment, Amanda almost wished she would; but then, she turned and headed towards the elevator.
They boarded together, standing back against the wall side by side as the carriage shifted downwards. Amanda closed her eyes, her stomach turning with the motions. She reached back for the railing and her fingers closed around metal and flesh. She glanced down, her heart rushing shallowly in her chest as she stared at her hand where it met Olivia's on top of the railing. She knew she should move, but for a long moment she couldn't, overwhelmed by the sudden desire to spill everything right in the middle of the elevator. She almost felt that if they'd been back up in the apartment, she would have, but she knew better. She felt the protection of this inopportune moment in a public elevator that was mere seconds away from destroying their privacy. Imagining she would tell the truth and that Olivia would listen was a fantasy, curated in the safety of impossibility.
She began to take her hand away, prepared to leave it at an accidental touch, but she felt Olivia grab her fingers. Amanda glanced over at her, shocked by the bold decision that seemed to conflict with everything Olivia had said, but Olivia barely met her eye.
When the elevator opened, Olivia squeezed her hand and released it before leaving ahead of her. Amanda slowly followed her, flexing her hand at her side as she tried to maintain the feeling of Olivia's hand in hers.
She was so distracted by their brief touch as they exited the building that she didn't notice Olivia had stopped just outside the doors until she nearly collided into her back.
She blinked back into reality as she noticed the small, blonde woman a few yards away from them. Standing next to her idling car, she wore a strained expression while she clenched her arms tightly across her stomach.
"Hello, Olivia." The woman said, her gaze remaining sharply on Olivia for a moment before flicking towards Amanda.
For reasons that Amanda couldn't pin down, she felt judgment from the simmering grey blue eyes, and she glanced over at Olivia.
"Liv, who-" She began, ready to demand who this woman was and why she was stalking Olivia outside of her apartment, but Olivia stopped her.
"It's okay, Amanda." She murmured, holding up her hand to halt Amanda's interrogation.
Despite her reassurance, Olivia's composed expression was held precariously in place, paper machéd together by force of will. She lifted her chin and met the woman's gaze as she stepped forwards to greet her.
"Hello, Kathy."