Part 4

Hailey woke with a start when she felt someone touch her shoulder, but it was only Adam. She relaxed immediately. It took her a moment to get her bearings though. She was sitting on a bench outside the hospital. She had only meant to sit down for a second but from the shadows on the ground and the grogginess in her skull she knew it had been much longer than a second.

"Oh God, did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah, kinda." There was a hint of good-natured laughter in Adam's voice but Hailey was too tired to notice.

"How's Freya?" Hailey bolted upright, ready to react but Adam gently put his hand on her shoulder.

"She's absolutely fine, don't worry."

"I'm so sorry" Hailey said and began to stand up. "How long have I been out here? I should get back inside."

By then Adam had walked around the bench and gently pulled Hailey back down as he sat. "It's alright Hailey" he said. She turned to him, guilt on her face.

"I should be inside with Freya."

"She has all the nurses wrapped around her little finger, I don't think she misses us one bit."

Hailey didn't try to stand up again but she fidgeted impatiently, her leg jittering. Without thinking, Adam put his hand on her knee to still it. The gesture didn't go unnoticed by either of them, but Adam made no move to pull his hand away and Hailey made no attempt to make him. The gesture was unexpectedly intimate, but they both found that it wasn't awkward or strange.

Their eyes met and Hailey smiled, a little sad and a little shy. Adam looked back at her with tenderness.

"You look exhausted" Adam said.

"Gee, thanks."

Adam sighed. "I didn't mean it like that" he said, but knew Hailey was only teasing him. She still looked beautiful, she always looked beautiful. "I'm worried about you, Hailey."

Hailey put her own hand on top of Adam's and gave it a squeeze. "You don't need to be. I'm fine."

"I don't believe you" Adam said calmly. "I know you're going to say that you're fine, that you don't need me worrying about you, that you're not mine to worry about any more, all that. But the thing is, saying all those things isn't going to change it. I still care about you Hailey, I never stopped. And I know how much all this is taking its toll on you, because it's taking its toll on me too."

Hailey looked down at the ground. She was lost for words. And she had never been very good at hiding her feelings from Adam, nor him from her.

Adam continued, choosing his words carefully. "I think you need something else in your life, Hailey. Work, or friends or even a date. If you don't have an outlet, you're going to break down. The pressure… it's too much. I know you love Freya more than life itself but you have to start living for you as well as her."

"I'm not sure I remember how" Hailey said. She looked up at Adam. "How did that happen?"

Life happened, that was the truth. Their beautiful, loving, brilliant but quite poorly little girl happened. Their break up happened. Life had a way of throwing you unexpected curveballs and you just had to role with it or risk getting hit in the face.

Hailey didn't leave her question hanging for too long. She didn't have an answer so she couldn't expect Adam to. "I used to know who I was with such certainty, ever since I was a little girl. I was driven and passionate and stubborn, I knew what I wanted."

"You are still all those things" Adam said. "Especially the last one." God knew, she was, but instead of channelling those traits into her work she put everything she had into being a mother and fighting for her child. It was to be admired, and Adam was in awe of her constantly, but eventually she was going to burn out. Adam couldn't let that happen. "Your whole life can't just be hospitals and playdates. If you don't look after yourself it's not good for Freya. She needs a happy healthy mother, Hailey. I need that for you too."

Hailey was crying. "I'm not sure I know who I am outside of being a mother."

Adam touched Hailey's arm tenderly. "Let me help you. I'll take a furlough from work, I'll help out with Freya more, whatever you need."

"You can't keep doing this" Hailey said, leaning into Adam's shoulder. "Rescuing me. I can't keep relying on you to hold me together, it isn't fair."

Adam put his arm around her. He would always be there for her, whether they were together or not. He didn't even need to say it out loud.

"Are you crying?" Adam looked down at his girlfriend as the movie credits rolled and poked her playfully in the ribs.

"No" Rachel said furiously, wiping the sleeve of her sweater across her face but she laughed and hid her face in her hands.

"I didn't have you down as the type to get weepy at a movie." Adam teased her, but also squeezed her in an affectionate hug. They were curled up together on the sofa with the lights down low and a half empty bowl of popcorn beside them.

"It caught me unawares" Rachel said. "I don't make a habit of it."

"Next time, I'm choosing. It won't be another soppy romance, I'm telling you that." Adam kissed her on the temple and extricated himself from their embrace. "Do you want another drink?"

"I better not" Rachel said through a yawn. "Work will be hell tomorrow if I'm hungover. Maybe some tea?"

"Coming right up."

There was a rapid knock at the door before Adam reached the kitchen and he looked at Rachel in confusion. She shrugged. It was his house. The knock came again, faster and more urgent. Adam was suddenly cautious but he approached the door nonetheless and unfastened the catch.

He found Hailey standing on his porch with Freya fast asleep in her arms. The little girl was cosy in her pyjamas and favourite snuggly blanket and looked as peaceful as she ever did when she was sleeping. By contrast, Hailey had a panicked look in her eyes that made Adam tense.

"Hailey. What's happened? Is she okay?"

Hailey was breathing heavily and fought to get control of herself enough to speak. "Can you take her please?"

"Of course. Hailey, what's going on?" Adam gathered Freya into his arms and stared at Hailey, trying to get a read on her expression. She was undeniably upset and there was panic in her eyes too, but what shocked Adam was that she didn't look entirely with it, like her mind was racing away from her and she couldn't quite pull it back.

"I can't do this right now. I need a break."

Satisfied Freya was safe with her father, Hailey turned to go but Adam wasn't having it and jogged down the steps after her. "Hailey, wait. What's going on?"

Hailey turned to back to them and there was such a pleading expression in her eyes that it caught Adam off guard.

"I just need a night to myself, Adam. It's all got too much." She touched Freya's back lightly took a breath. "Just go inside Adam, put her to bed. I'll be fine, I promise."

Adam stood silently as Hailey climbed back into her car. He felt uneasy watching her go but he told himself there wasn't much he could do. He might have believed that too, if it wasn't for that clawing feeling in his gut that he was the only person Hailey had.

Back inside, he closed the door quietly. Rachel was standing in the hallway and a confused expression crossed her face when she saw Freya.

"What's happening Adam?"

Adam adjusted his grip on Freya, trying his best not to wake her. He marvelled at his little girl's ability to sleep through almost anything, and was thankful for it now. It upset her to see him and Hailey fight, and although that wasn't what this was, her little brain would just hear raised voices and see her mother upset and put two and two together.

When Adam spoke, his voice was shaky. "I don't know. Hailey just brought her and asked if I could take her."

"Well, is she alright?"

"Freya?"

"No, dummy. Hailey."

Adam shook his head almost imperceptibly. "No, I don't think so."

Rachel unfolded her arms and held them out to take Freya. "Go after her then" she said. The way she said it made it sound like that was the only possible course of action but Adam hesitated, still holding his daughter.

"I'll put Freya to bed, come on."

Adam knew she was right. Hailey hadn't seemed to be in any state to be driving and he would only spend the whole night worrying if he didn't do as his girlfriend said. He handed over Freya, blanket and teddy bear and all and grabbed his jacket. "I won't be long" he said.

"Be as long as you need to be" Rachel said. "We'll be fine."

Adam took out his keys ready to jump in his own car and begin the search, but there was no need. He could see Hailey's car parked on the curb a little way down the street.

He walked towards her at a rapid pace, a little bit frightened about what state he might find her in when he reached the car. He rapped lightly on the passenger side window when came up alongside the window.

Hailey startled, and wiped her cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater. Adam took a step back and looked at her calmly through the window. He offered her the smallest of smiles. She turned away, embarrassed, and wouldn't look at him. But nor did she turn on the engine and try to drive away so Adam took that as a sign and boldly opened the door and climbed in.

"I'm sorry" Hailey said. "I interrupted your evening. I didn't know what else to do."

Adam turned in his seat to face Hailey, although she couldn't look at him. "Looking after Freya is never an interruption, and you know you can always come to me any time. But I'm worried about you right now. Did something happen?"

Hailey was quiet but she finally met Adam's eye. "No. Not really. It's nothing and everything, a hundred little things day in and day out, today it just… today it became too much. It's not Freya's fault, of course it's not, but it's so hard. Tonight I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. It got scared, so I brought her to you." Hailey wiped her eyes again, the torrent of words brought with them more tears. "That sounds awful. I'm a terrible mother."

"No. You're not." Adam had never meant anything more in his life. "You needed help and you found it, there's no shame in that."

"I'll probably be fine tomorrow. I'm just exhausted and emotional and need to hit the reset button… or something."

Hailey's words trailed off. Her head was mess and she didn't know what she wanted, beyond the comfort of knowing her daughter was safe. That at least would lift one worry from her shoulders. Hailey was coherent enough in her thoughts to recognise that in her current state of mind she couldn't be the best mother she wanted to be. She also knew she needed more support than Adam could give her alone but asking for help had never been her strong suit.

"It will only be for the night" Hailey continued. "I promise. I think I just need to sleep."

"Can I drive you home?" Adam asked.

"But Freya…"

"… Is with Rachel. She's safe. Let me do this for you. Please?"

Hailey nodded reluctantly and Adam got out of the car. He walked around to the driver's side and Hailey scooted over to the passenger side. By the time Adam had clicked his seatbelt into place and turned the key in the ignition, Hailey was slumped against the window asleep. He reached across her and buckled her in before pulling out into the quiet street.

"Dr Phillips. Hello." Hailey was surprised to see Freya's doctor from Med walk though the door.

"I came to see my favourite patient, of course" she said. The tall brunette smiled at Hailey then Adam and the gesture put them at ease. The cardio surgeon had a way about her, she gave off an air of authority and calm. Freya absolutely adored her, much to Adam and Hailey's surprise. These hospital visits would be way more traumatising for her if she was frightened of her doctor and for that they were both eternally grateful.

Adam held out his hand and Grace Phillips took it. "Thanks for doing all you have to help the doctors here, we both really appreciate it."

"It's my pleasure" she said. "How's this little angel?"

Freya was dozing. She still was very low on energy and drifted in and out of sleep regularly. "She's better, I think." Hailey tried to smile. "At least, that's what they tell us."

"That's actually why I'm here. Dr Roberts thinks she's well enough to be moved to Med. If you want, of course. There we can talk about more treatment options that will hopefully provide more of a permanent solution."

Hailey swallowed. "More surgery?"

"Yes. But a surgery that will hopefully mean fewer hospital visits in the long run. I have a plan that I think would give Freya a shot at a much better quality of life."

That was all Hailey wanted, but it sounded too good to be true. Adam saw the fear in her eyes and spoke for both of them. "But there are risks, right? There always are."

Dr Phillips nodded. "There are. But I wouldn't be mentioning this to you if I didn't think I could pull it off. Listen, I'll fill you in on the details in a little while, I need to go and look at Freya's chart and order a few tests. Take a minute, talk. You don't have to make a decision right away" Now Dr Phillips saw fear on the faces of both Adam and Hailey and she employed the charm she used on both patients and family members alike. It was one thing to be a brilliant surgeon, but quite another to have such a good bedside manner. "I understand, I do. She's your little girl, you want what's best for her. Let me assure you, I want that too."

When they were alone again, Adam asked "What do you think?"

Hailey sighed. "I don't know, but I trust Dr Phillips. And I think I would feel better if Freya was at Med. The staff here have been wonderful, but…"

"I know. I agree." Adam walked up behind Hailey and placed a hand gently on her shoulder. "Let's see what Dr Phillips says once she's studied her chart, one step at a time."

"I'm so worried about her, Adam. She's getting better now, but it feels like we're stuck on repeat. She gets better for a little while and then goes downhill again. Her little body is so fragile, what if she can't handle another operation?"

"We don't need to decide anything now. She's improving by the minute. This isn't like the other times, this isn't life or death. We have the luxury of taking the time to weigh up all the pros and cons."

"All I want is what's best for her. Sometimes I feel wildly underqualified to make that call."

"I don't think there's a single person on this earth that is fighting as hard as you are for our girl."

"That's not true. You're fighting too."

Adam took Hailey's hand then and kissed it. It felt like the right thing to do. It wasn't awkward, god knew it should be, for all the crap they'd gone through, but it felt like the most natural thing in the world to Adam. When Hailey looked at him her eyes were so filled with gratitude that he was here that Adam couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Outside Freya's room, Rachel looked through the window. Her hand was poised to knock. She missed Adam, and she was worried about Freya too. She had five minutes to take a break and couldn't think of anywhere else she'd rather be. But she stopped, and couldn't bring herself to disturb the scene. Her heart gave a pang and she let her hand fall back by her side. Before Adam could look up and see her standing there, she turned and walked away.