Alex woke with a near silent gasp, tears flowing freely down his face.

"Damn it," he hissed, struggling to regain mastery of his breathing. "Damn it."

He fisted his shirt over his chest and pressed down to feel his heartbeat. It was hammering wildly, pounding like the panicked wings of a caged bird struggling to fly free. He closed his eyes and focused on his body, feeling the blood rushing through his veins, his head throbbing, sweat clinging to his skin.

He took a deep breath.

In. Out.

Then another.

In…. Out.

He lay there and repeated his breathing exercise until he felt safe enough to sit up.

Things really weren't getting better, were they?

He stumbled to the bathroom and collapsed against the sink. He turned on the faucet with a shaky hand.

What had his dream even been about? It was bleeding away from him like ink in water, and he couldn't- he couldn't-

It had been about Sarov, he realized, splashing his face with cold water. He didn't remember much, which, honestly, he was pretty thankful for, but he did remember enough. A spray of blood. It was in his eyes. His mouth. He was choking on it, a high whine was rising in his throat and he could tell he was in shock, he couldn't stop staring at the caved in gore that used to be a head, blood and brain matter and shards of bone and-

He shut off the faucet.

He needed a shower.

When he was finally cleaned and dry and dressed, he opened the door of his bedroom and was immediately greeted by the smell of frying eggs. He cautiously descended the stairs to find Alil standing in front of the stove, prodding at a pan with a spatula.

"What's this then?" He asked warily, and Alil spun around, spatula raising.

"Alex! You- uh- you scared me." He lowered the spatula, and then lowered his eyes as well. He was the perfect picture of contrition. "I'm- well- can you sit down?"

Alex stared at him quietly. This was not what he had been expecting. "Why?" He asked finally.

"I just- Alex, please. I want…. I want to apologize to you."

"Really?"

"Yes really." He sounded almost as tired as Alex felt. "Alex, please."

Alex walked to the table and sat. Alil hovered awkwardly for a moment, and then sat across from him.

"Look," Alil said, eyes glued to his hands. He was still holding the spatula, and he put it down and coughed. "Look," he began again and plowed on. "What I said to you last night was wrong, okay? I know that. I really overreacted. You just- you just made me so mad and I was in a bad place, and I let my emotions get away with me. So. I'm sorry."

"You also threw a pen at me," Alex pointed out quietly, and Alil's jaw tightened. But instead of getting angry, like Alex expected, he merely hunched into himself.

"I'm sorry about that too."

They sat painfully in silence for a minute or two, Alil staring at his knuckles, Alex staring at Alil. This was rather unlike what he'd come to expect from the man. He wasn't sure he liked it.

"Thank you for apologizing." Alex finally said, simply. He did not accept Alil's apology. But he also did not reject it. "Are you… feeling better today?"

"I'm not going to have a breakdown if that's what you're asking."

It was.

"Will you be here tonight?" his guardian asked him, and Alex shrugged.

"Sure. But it'll be later. Don't wait up for me."

Alil cut his eyes to him, but he just stared back expressionlessly. Alil had never waited up for him. Not once.

It wasn't something he had ever cared about, although he knew other people had adults in their lives who would. He knew Abhaya's mother couldn't even fall asleep without knowing that her son was safely back in the house after a long day out with friends. He knew this because Abhaya liked to joke about it, fondly- his mother's loving paranoia.

But Alil would never do that, and Alex would never care, because they had a different relationship than most teenagers had with the people who looked over them. And things weren't perfect between him and Alil, but he didn't need anything more. He didn't want anything more.

After searching his eyes for any sort of malice, and apparently not finding any, Alil relaxed back in his seat. "Okay. You, uh, you want some eggs?"

"They turned out better than the pasta did?"

Alil tensed, and Alex winced. "Sorry, that was… a joke. I'm sorry."

"Well, it would be hard to turn out worse, huh?" Alil said quietly, standing to scoop Alex some eggs. And because Alil practically lived at the kitchen table, the two of them then proceeded to sit in painful silence as they ate the eggs.

Alex wished he could go back to sleep.

It was a teaching day in English, and he kept his head low to his desk the entire time, pretending to take notes.

He was not taking notes.

In fact, he wasn't really doing much. His body still really hurt, despite the icing and medication he'd doctored it all with the night before, and the sleeve of his shirt kept scratching at his hand. He was trying his best to keep as still as possible.

Every so often his eyes would pull up to drift around the room, but he wasn't really taking anything in.

Caring was just so… exhausting. He couldn't find a better word for it. It felt strange that he could be here, sitting in class surrounded by his peers, when everything was just- it was just wrong. Nothing felt good. Nothing ever felt good. He was numb all the time and his entire body felt like an empty shell filled to the brim with gooey, surging badness.

He thought he might hate himself.

But he also didn't even have the energy for that.

He wished he were in bed, laying under the covers, staring at his blank wall so he didn't have to deal with anything but the whiteness staring back. He wished he could just stay there and never leave, he wished he didn't have to get up for food or water or for showers, he wished he could just lay there, he wished he were-

He cut those thoughts off abruptly. No. He was glad he was here. At school. With his friends. With the people who cared about him and those that didn't, but not in a bad way, but in a freeing way. In school, he didn't have to justify his existence. He could just be.

School was good. He was glad he was here. He was glad he was here.

He repeated this to himself a few more times, and then picked up his pen and put the tip to paper, determined to make it through.

Both Tom and Day caught up with him outside of class, and Alex felt like he'd fallen into a different dimension.

"You want to do Brave next?" Tom asked as he walked up, just as Day blurted out, "Alex wait up!" and pushed his way through the straggling students crowding the door.

Both Tom and Alex turned to him, taken aback. Well, Alex was taken aback. It was difficult to tell with Tom, but judging by the almost painful widening of his eyes, and the way his hands were starting to shake like he'd downed a gallon of caffeine, he was bordering on sheer manic glee. That or a heart attack.

"Uh." Alex said.

"Holy shit," Tom whispered under his breath, voice quavering.

"Yes?"

"Yeah," Day said, coming to stop next to them. He looked between the two of them. "Um."

"Oh wow," Tom said faintly. "I'm going to give you some privacy, okay? Right? I'll just be- over there. Drinking some water. Staying hydrated. A few cold sips for me. You know how it goes."

Day blinked, and Alex felt himself flush. Dear God. He loved Tom, but dear God. He had absolutely zero subtlety whatsoever. Alex watched in pain as Tom backed away quickly and made a beeline for the water fountain at the end of the hall.

"Hmm." Day said. "I feel like... Tom is… hmm."

"That's a surprisingly accurate sentiment given the complete lack of coherency."

Day laughed outright at that, and, to his surprise, Alex felt himself relax at the sound.

"Can I help you with anything?"

"Not really. I just wanted to let you know that… well, I had a good time walking with you yesterday."

"Oh, uh, I really… enjoyed it too?" He flushed as he couldn't stop his voice from rising into a question.

Day smiled down at him, and Alex felt his face grow even warmer.

"That's really great to hear! I was wondering if we could walk a little more today too?"

"You want to walk with me again?" He blurted and Day cocked his head.

"Yes. You're really funny, you know. In a kind of dry, sarcastic way, but I quite like that."

Alex felt… Well to be honest, Alex felt like he was suffocating. Maybe after all this time, this was how he was going to die.

He thinks I'm funny, he thought faintly, and then realized that he was still staring at Day while the other boy was waiting patiently for an answer. He was always so patient. God.

"Well I'd really like that, but I'm going to Tom's house today," he answered finally and Day actually looked disappointed.

"Oh right, I heard him asking about Brave as I walked up. Well, that's okay, maybe another time? If you want?"

"I would want that. Thank you… for asking, I mean. I- uh- would really like that. To walk with you."

He clamped his jaw shut abruptly. He was failing at basic social interactions again, he really needed to get a grip.

Day's smile widened, but to Alex's immense relief and gratitude, he didn't laugh.

"Cool. Well, I'll leave you to it then. Bye Alex."

He brushed a pat against his shoulder, and then was gone, leaving Alex to stare after him, eyes wide and heart stuttering.

Tom appeared at his side so suddenly that Alex physically startled.

"Well?" Tom demanded. "What did he say? You were so red I could see it all the way from the water fountain! Spill!"

"He uh-" Alex cleared his throat and centered himself. "He asked me if I wanted to walk with him again."

"Oh my god!"

"And I turned him down because we're watching movies at your house," Alex continued.

"Oh my god?"

"But he was fine with it and said that we could walk together another time," he concluded.

Tom threw a hand over his chest and gasped. Alex would have been embarrassed except for the fact that he could tell that Tom's reactions were totally sincere.

"Mate," Tom breathed. "This is great news."

"I guess. He's definitely very friendly."

"Alex," Tom intoned, but before Alex could respond, a large projectile hurtled itself into his body with tremendous force.

"Alex!"

He looked down at the lump which had attached itself to his torso. "Dima?"

"I know it was you, I just cannot believe it, you actually did that for me?"

"Uh."

Dima looked up at him, tears in his eyes. "Thank you. You've- you've changed my life. I don't even know what to say to you, I just- thank you so much."

Alex glanced around awkwardly. Nobody seemed to be paying much attention, thank goodness. "If I were to know what you were talking about, I'd tell you don't mention it. You're my friend. But… I obviously don't know what you're talking about, so."

"Я никогда не смогу отплатить тебе." Dima said sincerely.

"You don't need to repay me," Alex responded in Russian. "Just… Like I said, you're my friend. That's all there is to it. If anyone else bothers you, let me know. You're a good kid. People shouldn't mess with you."

Dima gave him a watery smile and a quick hug. "Thank you," He muffled into Alex's shirt, and looked up at him once more. "I have practice now, but can we talk more later? Please?"

Alex laid a hand gently on the boy's head. "Of course."

Dima smiled happily and then was gone.

"I have no idea what was just said but that was cute as heck." Tom patted him on the back. "You've got a couple admirers now, I see."

"Shut up."

30 minutes later they were rattling up the stairs to the Harris apartment.

"It's just completely unrealistic that Jasmine would just, like, not be able to tell that it's Aladdin, just because he's changed clothes."

"Well, he also was probably much cleaner. And he was acting like a prince. She knew him as a street rat, so probably she saw the resemblance, but it would be pretty crazy to think that this homeless guy she knew was masquerading around as an opulently wealthy foreign royal."

"Still," Tom complained. "It's like the whole Clark Kent/Superman thing. How could Lois Lane not see that they were the same people? She, like, worked with both of them for years! Spoke to them! Was friends with them."

"Well, I mean, yeah that's kind of- kind of a fair point. But I guess it goes back to the psychology of it all. Behaviour and expectations play a really huge part in perception."

"You wouldn't be able to tell it was me if I was suddenly wearing glasses and had different posture?" Tom demanded as he rummaged around for his key. "Really?"

He fitted the key in the door and unlocked it.

"Okay once again fair point, but I just think that-"

He stopped abruptly as the door swung open.

"Oh my god."

Jerry peered out at both of them, holding a tray of cheese and crackers. "Surprise?" Six foreign faces craned out to look past him at both of the boys.

"Um." Tom said, stepping in hesitantly. "Is this- are you having a party? Did we miss your birthday or something?"

"Or something. Can't a guy just have his friends over for a nice night of cheese and wine and gossip?"

Alex furrowed his brow and followed the the Harris brothers into the kitchen. As far as he knew, most of Jerry's close friends were back in Italy. He had never had such a large gathering of people in the house in all the time Alex had been visiting. "I didn't know you were going to have guests over today. Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" Jerry blurted. "No, absolutely not!"

"Uh-"

"In fact, why don't you go take this platter out to everyone and introduce yourself. I have to- er- talk to Tom about- about something. Go on."

Alex took the tray with some trepidation. Jerry was being very blatantly, obviously suspicious. He obviously wanted Alex to meet his guests, but… why? His mind raced. He narrowed his eyes at Jerry.

"Well. If you're sure that this is what you want."

"I'm sure," Jerry said firmly. "You'll like them, trust me. Just do me a favour and entertain them for a few minutes. I'll be right out, I promise."

So, so incredibly suspicious. Alex was even more wary. Jerry was a good guy and all, and- well- Alex did trust him. Really. But he really didn't do so well with people nowadays. New faces in unexpected places always set him on edge, and to have six new faces? All at once? In one of his safe spaces? Definitely made him a little uncomfortable.

But… Jerry really had done so much for him, and he deserved some faith.

"Okay," he sighed, and with one last doubtful glare at the brothers, headed out.

He was met by 6 pairs of curious eyes.

"Jerry wanted me to give you these." He put the tray on the table and then sat down in a free chair, because if he was going to suffer, why not really just dive right in? "I'm Alex, I'm one of Tom's friends."

"We know," One of the men blurted out, before getting abruptly elbowed in the ribs by the woman to his right.

"Abdul," She hissed, and then blushed under his narrowed gaze. "I'm- uh- Ad'ifaah Mahesar. It's nice to meet you."

That name was incredibly familiar, Alex realized as he nodded at her, and it took him only a few moments for recognition to click. Ah. Oh boy.

"This is Abdul," She introduced, waving a hand at the man. "And these are- uh- would you guys like to introduce yourselves?"

"Janet Baxter." A green haired woman with a bright red coat.

"Destinee Talat, nice to meet you." A smiling young woman with a springy afro.

"Reuben White, glad to meet you." A relaxed looking man with a polka dot bowtie.

"Mark Lowell." A light skinned man with a crooked nose.

Mark. Damn it. He was right. He also wondered how exactly they were going to pull this off.

"It's nice to meet all of you." He said.

"And it's absolutely great to meet you too," Ad'ifaah said. "We were just talking about- uh- Janet's girlfriend?"

"Absolutely," Destinee jumped in immediately. "And my girlfriend too. Because I also have a girlfriend. I am a woman dating another woman. And we love each other very much."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," Alex said. "And I don't suppose anyone else here just so happens to be part of the LGBT community?"

There was silence for a moment while the group in Jerry's living room looked at each other.

"Uh." Said Mark.

"Weeell," Reuben drew out.

Ad'ifaah coughed awkwardly. "You, er, picked up on that?"

"It would be really really hard not to," Alex told her. "You guys aren't being particularly subtle, and, well, I do know Jerry."

"He does know me," Jerry admitted, and they all turned to look to where Jerry was leaning guiltily against the doorway to he kitchen. "So I guess you figured me out, huh?"

"I mean, I guess. But… why?"

"I thought maybe it would be best to, like, give you options. To explore yourself a little, you know? I first came out to myself when I was 16 and I was really confused by what I was feeling. At first I thought I was gay. And, you know, in the end I wasn't, but it was a really frustrating journey to figure that out, and it would have been really helpful for me to talk to some other people who had already experienced what I was experiencing. And like, I have the power to provide that for you, something I never had, and it would be awful of me not to, like, do that?" Jerry shrugged, looking embarrassed, and ran a hand through his spiky bleached hair. "And if you don't want to talk to them or ask any questions or anything, you don't have to, but you can if you want and nobody will mind."

Tom stuck his head out from under Jerry's elbow. "And for the record, I also want to ask some questions! If that's okay. And not, like, offensive or anything. I mean I can Google it all if that would be better."

Abdul stifled a grin. "Oh man, Tom, nah bro, of course you can ask your questions. Get in here."

Tom trotted happily into the living room and sat primly on the edge of the couch Janet, Abdul, and Ad'ifaah were sitting on.

Alex stared at them all. Oh. Oh wow. Jerry was being… he was being so nice. He had put so much effort into this gathering, and these people- these strangers- had traveled all the way here for this. For him. It would be so incredibly rude not to ask them any questions.

So.

He guessed that was just something he was going to have to do.

Not that he was necessarily… upset about that. In fact, he really did have some questions he wanted to ask, like actually, for himself, for real. Just… it was weird. He was going to sit here? And talk to these strangers? About his feelings? Alex barely talked about his feelings just in general.

But… Jerry looked… He looked so hopeful. And it would be wrong to let him down now, after everything he'd done for him.

"Okay," he said. "That… That makes sense to me. Thanks Jerry."

Jerry beamed at him. "You're welcome."

He looked so relieved and proud and Alex immediately made the decision to go into this as open-mindedly as he could.

Five minutes later Tom had hooked up his phone to Jerry's bluetooth speaker and everyone was up and mingling while electro-swing music bounced through the air.

The first person he talked to was Destinee Talat, the woman with the afro. She was, Alex decided quickly, very nice.

"So Jerry hasn't told us much about you, sweetie, just that you're questioning some of your feelings for other people. Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Yes," he said, determined. "I- yes. I have been experiencing attraction for a boy at my school."

"Okay," Destinee nodded softly. "Is this the first time you've experienced attraction for someone of the same gender?"

"Yes. This is the first time."

"Well that can be scary then, I understand that. The first time I got a crush on a girl I locked myself in my room and cried for weeks! I tried my hardest to convince myself that it was all a mistake, that I was wrong. Things would be so much easier if I were straight."

"Alright but… what if I'm not scared? And I don't think I'm ashamed."

There were too many other things in his life to be ashamed of, after all. Liking boys didn't even register.

"Well then that's great, sweetheart! It took me nearly ten years to get over my fears." Destinee sighed. "If only I had been able to get over them sooner. I wasted too much of my life being afraid of myself. I'm glad you might be able to bypass all that."

"Yeah…"

"And not to be edgy or anything, but.. just because you're not feeling these things now, doesn't mean they might not pop up in the future. And that will really suck, but it's important that you know you're not alone in this. You have Tom and Jerry who both love and support you fully, and now you've me and the rest of the community by your side too. You are not alone. You have to remember that."

Alex stared at her. "I- I will. That's… good to hear."

"Can I see your phone? I'd like to give you my number. Just in case you ever want to talk. The others will probably offer too."

Alex handed over his phone in almost a daze. It seemed impossible that someone could be this… well… sweet.

"Here. Oh hey Mark!"

Mark Lowell slid into place beside Destinee with a bright smile and a glass of sparkling cider. "Hey y'all. How's it goin' over here in this corner?"

"It's good mate. Just letting Alex know that he's not alone and that we're all here for him."

"Absolutely!" Mark nodded enthusiastically. "You're part of the Queer community now, buddy, and that means we've got your back."

It was all so completely foreign to Alex. He'd been with these people for not even 15 minutes, and they were already welcoming him with open arms. And the thing was… it felt… nice? Alex hadn't thought that being around people like, well like him, he guessed, would feel so good, but it did. It felt comfortable, and calming, and Alex rarely felt comfortable and calm, so he was immediately driven right back around to being on edge.

His feelings of unease must have shown on his face, because Mark hastily continued. "Although obviously everything is pretty new to you and you don't really know us that well, so if you don't want to talk to us or anythin', you don't have to. Just, you know, the option's there."

"...Thanks. And, er, actually, I do have a question? For you. It might be a little awkward though…" He trailed off and flitted his eyes to Destinee who smiled at him and said, "I'll be over with Tom. Alex, sweetheart, it was lovely to meet you."

Mark waved her goodbye and turned back to Alex. "What's up little buddy?"

"Well, it's… I don't know, it may be a little inappropriate…?"

Mark observed him for a moment, before his eyes lit with understanding. "Oh. Jerry's told you that I'm asexual?"

"Yeah. And I do have some questions, but it seems kind of bad to ask you about your sex life?"

"Well I definitely get that, but that's why I'm here, bud, so-" He gestured broadly. "Ask away!"

"Oh. Well, I mean." He leaned closer and lowered his voice, somewhat embarrassed. "How can you, er, not get… aroused. Like, if you can't get aroused, doesn't that just mean that there's something biologically wrong with you?"

"Good question. And I have two replies to that. Number one being: I can get physically aroused." He held up his hands, as if to stave off an influx of questions. "I know what you're thinking- how can I be asexual if I get aroused, right?"

"Well… yes."

"It's a fair question. And it brings me to my second point: what makes someone ace- asexual- is the fact that they don't feel sexually attracted to anyone. Asexual people are still capable of masturbating, and feeling arousal- although many don't-, we just don't, like, feel these feelings for people. And obviously it's a spectrum and there are a lot of people in between but that's basically it."

"So but what if," Alex blurted, face bright red. "What if- uh- maybe I haven't ever been aroused by anything or- or anybody but maybe it's because there has been a lot going on and I haven't had time to be aroused by stuff?"

This was embarrassing. Sure, his uncle had given him the Talk, but that had been when he was six. And it was very impersonal and clinical, and every sex talk after that had been just the same. He'd been gifted a lot of books too. My Body is Changing and Here's Why and Guide to Healthy Sex and What is Happening to my Body? He'd learned a lot. But he hadn't learned any of this.

Mark appeared totally unfazed, and Alex wholeheartedly appreciated the casual, unashamed manner in which he answered.

"Well, I'd say that you have a lot of time to figure things out. Maybe you'll be aroused by things in the future, and that's okay. It's not abnormal to have stuff going on in your life that gets in the way of development. There are a lot of people in the world who, for instance, have been sexually abused, and they're not able to feel arousal for a very long time. Sometimes never."

Alex's face burned. He hadn't wanted Mark to think anything like that. "I haven't been sexually abused," he blurted, and Mark just shrugged cautiously.

"Okay. The fact remains, though. Sometimes things happen, and your life doesn't… well, it doesn't go quite as planned. You can still be asexual if it's because of trauma reasons, and the trauma sucks, obviously, but you're still a part of the community."

Alex nodded slowly, face still red. "Thanks Mark," he said quietly, and Mark smiled at him softly. Understandingly.

"Buddy, life is just the worst sometimes. And it sucks, it really does. But, I'm just going to say it one more time, you're not alone. You can talk to any of us anytime you need to or want to- and sometimes talking to someone you're not as close to can be easier. Just… just please know that you're not going through this solo. There are a lot of people out there who have your back."

Alex nodded again because that was just about all he could do. He thought maybe he could feel his eyes prickling and he immediately forced down any and all feelings, because with feelings came problems and this was not the time nor the place to deal with them.

"Thanks Mark," he repeated instead, once again.

An hour and a half later, all of the guests had been ushered out of the room, and once again it was only Tom, Alex, and Jerry.

"Wow," Tom said. He was sprawled across the sofa, staring at the ceiling. "Like, I mean wow. They're all so- so-"

"Nice," Alex finished, and something in his tone must have been a little off, because both Harris brothers turned to look at him.

"Did you-" Jerry bit his lip, and Alex hurried to assure him.

"No, look, I learned a lot, okay? Thank you for giving me this opportunity, I- it was really informative and I think I needed to ask a lot of the questions I did."

"...But?"

Alex laughed helplessly and flopped back in his chair. "But this is all so new. And it doesn't seem like such a big deal to me, but apparently it is for everyone else, and they were all so nice and cool and being with them felt amazing and relaxing, but do I really deserve that? I didn't go through any of the struggles any of them did- I just figured out I liked boys this last year, and I don't feel guilty about it! Or confused, or- or- ashamed, I just- I feel fine."

Jerry sighed gently and leaned across the table and placed a hand on Alex's knee. This was one of the things about the Harris brothers that simultaneously comforted him and put him on edge. The touching. They were so casual about it. They doled out hugs and touches like it was nothing, and Alex yearned for it all because Christ nobody touched him anymore. He didn't have any family. He didn't have a single person in the world who loved him, and everyday this knowledge burned a deep, aching hole in his chest.

But it was filled, just a little, by the Harris brothers. He didn't mean to be dramatic, but honestly, without them, he was pretty sure he'd be dead.

"Alex," Jerry said. "Being part of the Queer community isn't just about how much suffering you've had in your life. It's just that a lot of queer people have had a lot of rough experiences and finally there are people who actually understand. That being said, it's also not just about that. It's about, you know, the joys of different types of love and self-expression and celebrating diversity."

"Maybe," Alex muttered.

"No maybe, definitely. And mate, it's absolutely not a bad thing that you don't feel bad about being queer. I'm happy for you."

"So am I," Tom interjected.

"Right. And I'm sure everyone that was here today would feel like that too."

"But it's like- it's like I'm a fake. You know? Isn't it? I don't belong with these people. We have nothing in common, we're nothing alike, I've just infiltrated their group and they don't know and they're just being so nice to me and I don't deserve it."

Tom and Jerry stared at him, eyes wide.

"Alex, that's not true-" Tom said at the same time Jerry protested, "You deserve people being very nice to you-"

They glanced at each other and Jerry subsided, letting Tom take the lead with a small gesture.

"Alex," Tom began again. "Look, you can't have 'infiltrated' their group or anything like that because, well, that's just not something you can do, you know? Like, I mean? Did you lie about liking Day?"

"Obviously I did at the start, yes-"

"Shut up, you know that's not how I meant it. You like Day. You do. I know it. You know it. That means you belong. That's all there is to it. There's nothing else. Just being yourself is enough."

Alex let out a harsh breath and shrunk into himself a little. "That's never enough."

"Well it is here. With this."

"Tom's right," Jerry said quietly. "There are no requirements other than that, Alex. No applications. Nothing to prove. Who you are is enough. You're enough."

The tears were building up behind his eyes again and he had to swallow down the bitter whine that was climbing his throat. "Sure," he said quietly. "Maybe."

The silence after that should have been awkward, what with the whole releasing his inner fears and doubts into the world thing, and with anyone else, it would have been. But with the Harris brothers, it merely teetered on the verge of mild discomfort.

Tom narrowed his eyes at his brother and gave an jerky head nod toward the kitchen. It would have been very obvious to Alex, if not for the fact that his eyes were glued to the carpet.

Jerry stood and stretched. "Whew!" He said loudly and not at all inconspicuously. "What a long day. I guess I'll make some dinner guys want anything special?"

"Pasta," Tom said immediately.

"Pasta it is." He shuffled off to the kitchen to cook, leaving Tom and Alex alone.

"So?" Tom asked, pulling himself up to a sitting position. "What else are you feeling?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you've got that blank look on your face that usually means you're thinking about something sad but you don't want anyone to know and you don't want to bring it up. So. What is it? If we're going to do this feelings thing, we might as well do it right."

"If I don't want anyone to know, why would I tell you?" Alex asked wryly, and Tom gave him a Look. They both knew that perhaps Jerry was included in the 'anybody' category, but Tom certainly wasn't. "I- ugh. Fine. It's just… maybe I don't feel badly about being- being not-straight-"

"Reuben said you can use queer as an umbrella term if you're not ready to put labels on anything yet," Tom broke in quietly, helpfully, and Alex blew out a breath.

"Fine. I don't feel badly about being queer-" It was the first time saying the word, and it felt strange in his mouth. "-but I think that's just because, you know, there was so much else going on in my life, and, I don't know, it's just another thing that's been stolen from me."

"Even if it's a bad thing?"

"Well. Yeah. I mean, I know, obviously it's stupid-"

"It's not stupid," Tom interrupted. "It's perfectly normal and reasonable to feel robbed by what Blunt and Jones were doing to you. Now you don't even have normal memories like other people do, you just have memories of shitty child abuse."

"It wasn't child abuse-" Alex protested, and Tom cut him off once more, this time with a calm, measured look.

"Alex. It was child abuse."

"I- fine. Maybe. But whatever it was, it sucked and it's created a pit in my life where all the normal things are supposed to be, but they're not. I'm missing so much, Tom. And I'm doing my best, but… I don't know, there's probably so much else in my life that's not there and I don't even know it because I don't even know enough to know what's missing. Do you get that?"

He'd kind of rambled it all out in a jumbled mess, but Tom's face was sympathetic and solemn and despite it all, he did understand. Of course he did. Tom had cottoned on to the fact that Alex wasn't quite normal early on. He'd never made fun of him for not knowing the words to any of the popular songs, or knowing the plots to any of the children's movies every child grew up watching. He'd instead just started playing the songs for him, and inviting him over for movie nights. The movie nights had stagnated a little after everything that had happened after Alex's uncle died, but… Tom hadn't once given up on him.

Years later, when he was inarguably way more screwed up than he ever was before, Tom was still inviting him over to watch cartoons together.

He was a good friend. He was loyal and patient and funny and Alex was so thankful to have someone like him in his life.

"Look," Tom told him seriously, once more showcasing the mature side of himself that he didn't show many others. "I know that things are hard right now. I can't even pretend to understand the hurt you're still going through, because there's so much that's happened to you that should never have happened to a child. Should never have happened to anyone. But I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you, and you're not alone in any of this. You've got me. And Jerry. And everyone who was here earlier, they all want to help you too. Whatever you need."

Alex clenched his fists.

"Thanks Tom," he managed to choke out.

Tom patted him gently on the shoulder and then said, awkwardly. "So…uh... what do you need?"

Alex laughed wetly. "Right now? Let's just watch Brave. I've been looking forward to it all day."

"Hell yeah."

Tom rolled off the couch and went to start the movie. Alex was very greatly for the reprieve. He had a lot to think about.

They'd been watching for about thirty minutes when the text message came. Alex squinted down at his phone and immediately choked on his own spit.

"What? What is it?"

Alex stared. "It's. Um. From Day?" Oh God. He didn't think he could handle this. Not after the afternoon he'd just had.

There was a loud thud as Tom fell off the couch in an explosion of limbs.

"What? What? He texted you? What does it say? Alex?"

"He says, uh-" Alex cleared his throat. "Hey, it's Day. Molly was looking particularly cute and I thought you might like to see :)"

"Wait, who's Molly?"

"His dog." Alex showed him the screen.

"Oh! And she is pretty cute!"

"Yeah." He stared down at the picture and felt his face grow warm. "That was nice of him." He put his phone away and Tom gaped at him.

"Alex, what are you doing?"

"Uh-?"

"Are you seriously about to tell me right now that you're not going to text him back?"

"Do I have to?"

"Well, I mean no, but don't you want to?"

"Well, I- yeah, I do, but he just sent me a picture, what would I say?"

"Same thing you said to me- that you think his dog is cute. And maybe you also think he's cute." Tom waggled his eyebrows and Alex made a face.

"I am not saying that. But…" He picked up his phone and typed up a text. "How about this: She is very cute! Thanks for the picture."

"Smiley face?"

"Is that a bit much?"

"No."

"I think it's a bit much," Alex said and hit send.

"Oh my God," Tom groaned. "You are just the worst at flirting."

"This isn't flirting! He literally just sent me a picture of his dog."

"Well it's not flirting now, but it could have been! Alex, you need to take some initiative."

"Come on, we've talked about this, I don't think that we can-"

His phone buzzed.

"Uh." Alex stared. "He… texted me again."

"And?"

"He said, Thanks! How was Brave?"

"Mate. Oh my god. He is actually putting effort into this- someone has to, I guess. This is a second chance! Quick, hand me your phone."

Alex clutched his phone to his chest. "What? No! I can talk to Day perfectly fine on my own, thank you very much!"

"Obviously not," Tom wiggled his fingers. "Come on, give it here. Show a little trust, why don't you?"

Alex bit his lip and squinted, apprehensive. "What are you going to say?"

Tom just made the gimme gimme gesture again, waiting.

"Ugh! Fine. Whatever. But I get to give you the all clear before you send."

"Duh." He swiped the phone from Alex's hands and started texting, parroting out loud as he did. "Brave is great so far, but we're not finished yet! :)"

"Exclamation mark and smiley face?" Alex grumbled under his breath. "Please just pick one or the other at least, god."

Tom made a face but changed the exclamation mark to a period. "Good?"

"I guess…"

"Good! And now for the next bit…" He squished in next to Alex and held the phone up in front of them. "Say cheese!"

"Tom no, this is not something we agreed on-!"

"Well I'm not giving up until you smile, so say cheeese!"

Tom tapped the capture button. He brought the phone back and looked at the screen. "Oh, perfect."

Alex took a look. It was awful. He was scrunched up against the couch arm, his face flushed, a grimace painted across his face. Tom had a bright smile and his eyes crossed.

Tom hit the send button.

"Wait, no!" He yelped, swiping his phone back whip-fast. "Tom! Are you serious? I looked so- so-"

"Adorable! Sure, a little bit pained- like maybe you're trying to hide a broken rib or something- but hey, true to life, right?"

"My ribs aren't broken, just bruised, you prat."

"Whatever. Still cute. Now he has something to look at when he's thinking about you."

Alex bit his lip. He really didn't want to like Day. He really didn't. It was a crush doomed to failure, a luxury he didn't even deserve. He was glad that Tom was supporting him, but it was- it was just so…. so…..

Pointless.

It was pointless. Day would never like him back, not like that, and if he did it didn't even matter. Alex was too damaged to even be considering something like a relationship, even if by some crazy miracle both parties were willing-

"Alex," Tom said. "Come on. This right here? It's not a big deal. You guys are just talking, it's perfectly natural and normal, and if he doesn't want to talk to you, he can very easily not. Don't worry about it so much."

His phone buzzed.

Tom beamed. "But obviously he does! So? What does it say?"

Alex stared down at it, face steadily flushing bright red. His heart gave an odd lurch. "Um. It… doesn't say anything. It's a picture." He flashed the phone to Tom whose mouth popped open into an 'o'.

"Oh, nice!"

It was Day, face pressed up against his dog's cheek, grinning crookedly the camera. His dark hair was wet, falling in a disarray over his forehead and in his eyes. It looked like he'd just gotten out of the shower.

Alex had to agree. It really was rather nice.

At that moment, as if summoned by magic (but more likely by the power of eavesdropping), Jerry popped around the corner balancing two bowls in his arms. "Hey not to be nosy or anything, but can I, uh, see that picture?" He set the bowls down on the coffee table. "In exchange for some spaghetti, of course."

Why not? He handed the phone off to the older Harris brother, who looked at it silently for a moment, scrutinizing the picture carefully. "Okay," he said finally, handing it back to Alex. "Okay... Huh. Carry on."

He exchanged a loaded glance with Tom, one that Alex, to his utmost frustration, didn't understand; but Tom must have, because he practically beamed back at his brother.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, we have any parmesan cheese?"

"Tom-"

"It's in the kitchen." Jerry interrupted. "You can get it when you get your drinks. I'm going to my room, Abdul, Ad'ifaah, and I are planning a rock-climbing trip for this weekend. I'll see you kids later."

He waved over his shoulder as he sauntered out of the living room.

Alex narrowed his eyes at his friend. Obviously whatever had passed between the two brothers was going to remain private. Okay. Fine.

Tom hopped down to his feet and smiled innocently down at him. "Coming, sweetie pie?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're a nightmare."

Two hours later the movie was over and Alex was headed home. Him and Day had texted casually all throughout the movie- or rather, him and Day and Tom had texted casually, because Tom had absolutely insisted on being involved in the conversation, even though it had remained firmly stationed on Day's dog Molly and nothing else. Tom thought he was a coward for not asking for any pictures other than Molly- Alex didn't have it in him to disagree because he honestly thought that he might be right.

It was just getting dark when Alex cracked his front door open and slipped inside. The light was on in the kitchen and he tread softly to the doorway and looked in. Alil was slumped over the table, head pillowed in his arms, asleep. He was breathing heavily but evenly, and Alex stood and watched him for a long moment. In his sleep, Alex could tell that Alil was absolutely exhausted. He had deep, dark, bags under his eyes, and creases lined his forehead. He was wearing the same clothes he'd worn yesterday.

Alex sighed quietly and shut off the light, and then went upstairs and got ready for bed. When he was finished brushing his teeth, he slid under the covers and placed his head on his pillow, mind still racing. He lay like that for 30 minutes and then, before he could stop himself, he reached out and clicked on his phone. It took only a few swipes to find the picture of Day, and he stared at it for a good long moment. And then he clicked off his phone, turned his back, and closed his eyes.

A/N: Well, here's chapter 4! Just want to say that I don't have any plans to abandon this story, even if it takes me literal years to finish (which apparently it might lol)! Things were really rough for me this past year, but this summer has been great to me. Hope to get more writing done! :)

Next chapter we'll see more of Alex's 'nosy classmates', which I'm excited to write. :)