"Whoa, you look much too happy for a Calculus class on a Wednesday," James commented as Alex collapsed into the seat beside him in the back just as the late bell rang.
"Maybe I'm just pleased to see you, pumpkin," Alex winked, and to his pleasure, James simply rolled his eyes back at him with a grin.
He definitely had been slightly concerned that James would start treating him differently after he'd come out, but to his heartfelt relief, James was reacting to their bantering as he always did.
"Well, I am gift to humanity," James allowed. "But somehow I doubt that's it. I haven't seen you this pleased since Esther brought her dog to school last month. Come on, spill."
"I just… Well, I was hanging out in the library this morning, with- uh- well, with Day." He blushed as James' grin stretched into a wide leer. "We were just talking. But it was, you know, nice. And I told him I liked boys and he didn't get upset or anything."
"I didn't think you'd like him if he were the kind of person to get upset about that."
Alex blushed again. It was weird that someone other than Tom was acknowledging his crush. It made it all the more real.
"Do you think he's gay too?" James asked curiously. "I heard he dated Kelly Pierce last year but maybe that was just a rumour."
"No, they dated. He's definitely not gay."
"Oh. Sorry about that, mate. But, um, bisexual maybe? He's kind of got that metrosexual thing going on a bit, what with the eyebrows and all…"
Alex couldn't help but laugh. "Your obsession with his eyebrows continues. Anything you want to tell me?"
"Oh you know you're the only one for me, Al." He grinned. "So- bi or nah?"
"Well-" Alex hesitated. "Well, you know Tom certainly seems to think he's bi, but, uh, there's not really been any indication of that, has there? I mean, nice eyebrows don't really mean anything, you know." He bit his lip. "Personally, I think he's probably straight."
Alex had never had much luck in his life. Oh sure, he had absurd little spurts of it- like flipping his makeshift canoe upside down and yet somehow not bashing his head in on rocks or crushing his body when he was swept over the subsequent waterfall- but overall, Alex had lived a very very unlucky life. Nothing good ever seemed to happen to him, and if it did, it never lasted long. Day being straight made the most logical sense in his world of depressing continuities.
"Oh." James said again, although he sounded sympathetic. "Tough luck."
He looked like he was going to say something more, but at that moment, Mr. Ives cleared his throat for attention, and they settled back to listen to their professor begin the class. Halfway through, they were given a little bit of time to go over their homework together, and of course Alex and James instead settled back to gossip with each other. James immediately jumped into a story about the latest girl he had hooked up with, and Alex got comfortable to listen.
"-so anyway, I personally didn't want to come over, but she swore her mom's doctor appointment would take a good three hours because her mum likes to argue with medical professionals, right?"
"Who doesn't?" Alex agreed. "One of the finer pleasures in life."
"Absolutely. Anyway, we finish making out, and, like, things are about to get into more serious territory, if you know what I mean-"
"Indisputably, please continue."
"And then her front door slams shut like Bam! And I'm laying there half naked thinking 'This is how I die, isn't it?' and she shoves me out of bed- you wouldn't believe how much upper body strength she displayed, holy shit-"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, and it kind of turned me on, not going to lie- so I'm laying on the floor, horribly aroused, with no shirt, pants half down, and her mom starts thumping up the stairs."
Alex grinned, enjoying James' story immensely. James may look all neat and proper, with his hair carefully swept back and his expensive sweater vests, but lurking beneath his polite exterior lay an undeniable asshole. An extremely lovable asshole, sure, but still a teenaged, crass, asshole.
"So I roll under her bed- but get this, I forget my shirt- and she's just picking it up to throw it out of sight when her mum bursts in and catches her with my fucking striped polo. And I'm dead serious Alex, this girl spends the next thirty minutes bullshitting her mum into believing she wants to start wearing men's clothes. I'm telling you, her skills rival Tom's."
"Well, I'm sorry your date was ruined."
"Ruined?" James laughed. "Oh Alex, darling, believe me when I say our 'date' was anything but ruined. Lying under that bed listening to her B.S. her mum helped me discover another kink- the way those lies fell from her lips, holy shit- I just kept getting harder and harder."
"James. You're depraved."
"And you haven't lived." James leaned his body closer and leered mischievously and Alex felt a deep pool of dread immediately well up inside him. "Tell me, Alex. What gets you going? Is it bondage? I bet it's bondage."
"Why would you say that to me." He said flatly.
"You look like a bondage kind of guy, is all I'm saying. You've got that wide-eyed look of innocence about you, but I remember in primary school when you slashed Mikey G.'s tires because he was being a prick. Deep inside you is an animal waiting to come out, am I right?"
"I didn't slash his tires, I stabbed them with a screwdriver." His lips twitched and he could barely contain his mirth. "And are you kidding me right now? An animal inside me waiting to come out? Okay Shakira."
"Fuck you, that's a she-wolf in the closet, and luckily for you, you're already out of yours." He winked and then Alex really couldn't help his laughter.
"James, really-"
"No no, come on now, Al, I'm serious. I want to know if you've given any thought to any of this. I also remember last year when you and Tom came over and we played Truth or Dare and Tom just started fucking sobbing because he always wanted to try role play and that was his darkest sexual desire and you said you'd rather chew broken glass than try role play with a girl- but that was before you came out, right? And you've obviously been giving everything a lot more thought, and I'm sorry if I'm projecting, but I literally refuse to believe that the same guy who once jumped off my roof on a dare would be into just plain vanilla sex."
"Who says I'm into sex at all?" He said it casually, indifferently, but James must have read something in his voice because, to his infinite credit, he immediately back-pedalled.
"Well, that's cool too, you know. Obviously I would support that- I mean, it's not for me, but like, to each his own, I guess." He peered at him in ill-hidden disbelief. "Er, I just didn't know that was a thing…?"
"It is. Jerry had a bunch of his friends over last night and one of them explained it pretty well. I mean-" He chewed on his lip and leaned closer. They were wedged into a corner in the back and very clearly no one was listening, but he still pitched his voice lower. "I've just never given it any real thought. About- with a guy, I mean."
"None at all?"
"Not really. Not- you know- sexually."
"But… you know how it works, right? I mean, the mechanics of it all?"
"James, I'm not five, of course I do."
"Oh. But you haven't fantasized at all? Really?"
"Really."
"That's fucking bizarre."
Alex glowered.
"Er- sorry. It's just, I mean, not even when you're watching porn?"
Alex looked away and James gasped. "Oh my god. Please tell me you've watched porn. At least once. Oh my god, you're nearly 17 years old?"
"It's just never appealed to me, okay? Like, what even is the point?"
"To… get off?" James was staring at him in bewildered horror. "To masturbate? Are you saying you've never masturbated before?"
"Well I have, just not recently- look, I just haven't exactly had the time or space to do anything like that in the last few years, okay?"
James bit his lip. "I- shit. Sorry. I guess that's true."
Because Alex and James were very close, and while James didn't know the truth about the absolute filth Alex had been wading through since he was 14, he had never bought into the gang rumors. What he knew was that Alex's uncle had died abruptly, and he'd been shuffled off into a rather unpleasant stint in foster care. It was the truth on strict technicalities, and Alex had made it very clear that he didn't want to talk about what had happened to him.
James stuck with his unspoken agreement of silence and hazarded vaguely, "But… things are better now, right? And you hang out so much at Tom's place. You could try things out there, if you wanted."
"...Try things out?"
"Yeah, you know-" James made a crude gesture with his hand and waggled his eyebrows, and Alex groaned.
"I am not going to masturbate at my best friend's house, oh my god."
"I guarantee you Tom wouldn't mind-"
"I would!"
"You should just think about it." James insisted. "Pop out your laptop and browse a little. I'd send you some links but I don't actually watch gay porn so I don't have anything to recommend."
"God, what a shame."
James smirked and gave him a shove. "Come on, this could be fun! Yeah, maybe you actually aren't into sex and that's an actual thing in your life- which I don't fully understand but I totally support- but maybe you'll find that it's not so bad."
"But I just- I just don't want to. I'm not into sex, I'm just into Day-"
"But what about him are you into? Is it the height? Chicks are always into taller guys-"
Alex looked at him sharply. "I'm not a chick."
"Well, no, I get that, but you're still into guys, aren't you?"
"That doesn't change that I'm not a girl, James. Gay men aren't the same as women."
"Well, I know that, I just-" James stopped and considered. "Damn it. Yeah, that came out wrong. I'm sorry."
Alex huffed a sigh and relented under the honest apology from his friend. "It's fine. This whole thing is new to me too. It's just… I'm not a girl."
"I know," James repeated. "But… do you like the height difference?"
Did he? Sure, Day was taller than him, but unfortunately, most people were, and he'd never been particularly attracted to anyone else. And usually when he encountered someone that much taller than him, he got… wary. In his experience, size was just another nuance to consider when reacting against violence.
"...I don't know," he said finally. "I hadn't really thought about it."
"Okay," James said patiently. "So that's something else to consider when you have the time. What about the way he dresses? All black, kind of edgy. Do you like edgy?"
"Not really."
"So the ear piercings don't do anything for you."
Alex shrugged awkwardly, and James' brow furrowed.
"His arms?" He hazarded.
"He usually wears his jacket."
"His lips?"
"Haven't really focused on them."
"His arse?"
Alex smiled sheepishly. "Haven't really looked."
James stared. "You sure you even like blokes?"
"James."
"What? Just saying. How do you know you like him? If you don't seem to like him physically?"
"Well, I do like him physically. I can literally feel my body reacting when he gets close to me. My stomach just kind of drops out, and my palms sweat- it's so weird, sometimes it's just so close to how I feel when I know someone is about to hit me, but it's in a good way? Do you get that?"
There was a heavy pause and James' lips pressed together, and Alex did a quick rerun on what he had just said.
"Oh. Um-"
"Don't worry about it," James interrupted, very visibly struggling against his discomfort. "Yeah, I get it. Mostly. I can't say I've had a lot of people hitting me, so maybe I don't get it entirely, but mostly, yeah." There was another pause. "Does it make you nervous? If being around Day reminds you so clearly of when people hurt you, does that, I don't know, throw you off at all?"
Now it was Alex's turn to stare. What an incredibly profound analysis. James was honestly so much more observant than he let people see; it was something he and Tom had in common.
"Sort of." He said after a moment. "It's less of the adrenaline he gives me though and more that he makes me feel… uncomfortably out of control."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I don't… I can't control myself when he's around me. Not really. I always start blushing and I can't look at him, and that's never happened to me before, and I don't like it when my body doesn't do what I want it to. It's… well, it's dangerous, isn't it? All he has to do is look at me and then I can't think straight."
"That sounds like a pretty normal crush to me, Al."
"Maybe."
"Do you trust him?"
"Not yet. But… he's a better person than I was expecting. I think I could."
"Too bad he's not gay," James frowned, and Alex shrugged, ignoring the ache in his chest with practiced efficiency.
"I'd settle for a friend."
After Calculus, it was time for Physics, and that Wednesday was another 'study day', so Alex didn't feel guilty about taking a nap. Luckily for him, it was a small class size, and his last name began with an 'R', so he was assigned one of the coveted seats at the back counter, along with Heather Schmidt and Abhaya Subramanian. He laid his head down as a group at the front of the room covertly pulled out a pack of playing cards.
And then he let himself think.
It wasn't even noon and the day had been full. Alil was missing, he'd come out to Day, James wanted him to watch pornography…
And things between Dima and Len Abrams were not resolved.
The thought made his stomach lurch unpleasantly, and he pressed his forehead harder against his arms.
That look on Len's face in the hallway earlier. It was anger. Almost hatred. No, things weren't over yet, not by a long shot. He should have known better than to handle things the way he had; it had only escalated the situation. At least with Len. The other two, it was clear they had tapped out, so to speak. He knew it by the way Andre had sobbed as he dribbled blood from his broken mouth on the dirty locker room floor and Bobby had curled up silently on the tiles, unmoving in the aftermath of Alex's sheer violence. They wouldn't bother Dima ever again. He doubted if they'd bother anyone ever again.
But Len hadn't cried. Even after Alex had smashed his head against a padlocked locker, he hadn't cried.
Fuck.
Of course he'd made things worse. It was just what he did in life, wasn't it? Try and fail, and hurt the people he cared about because he was reckless and careless and completely incapable. Jesus Christ. He felt bile rise in the back of his throat, and he clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut so hard he saw stars behind his eyelids.
He had to make this right. Somehow. If Dima got hurt because of him he didn't know what he'd do.
He must have fallen asleep sometime after that, because he woke to the lunch bell ringing and Heather Schmidt hovering over him uncertainly.
"Heather?" He rubbed the grit from his eyes. "What is it?"
"Oh! Oh, sorry Alex, I wasn't sure I should wake you up- I know you said not to touch you when you're asleep, and usually it doesn't even seem like you're asleep, not really, just kind of, like, dozing, but today you seemed, like, super out of it, I thought maybe if you didn't wake up I was going to have to do it-"
He huffed a laugh. "Thanks Heather. But I'm good."
"Well I can see that now!" She leaned against the side of the counter and squinted at him good-naturedly. "I have no bloody idea how you're passing this class."
"Born talent."
"Maybe. But then, maybe you aren't passing. Who's to say?"
"I think the fact that Mr. H lets me sleep through his lectures says enough." He grinned teasingly and she huffed and grinned back.
"You're so annoying."
"Hey, sorry to interrupt the flirt-fest," Abhaya said as he bounded over to them. "But it's tater tot day and Alex and I need to go." He pulled Alex up out of his seat and shoved him toward the door.
"We weren't flirting-" Alex protested, but Abhaya just gave him another shove and he barely had time to grab his bag before he was out the door. He threw Heather an apologetic look over his shoulder, and she flapped her hand at him exasperatedly.
"We weren't flirting," he repeated as they hurried to the cafeteria. "Heather is literally a lesbian. You know that, right?"
"She says she's a lesbian," Abhaya corrected, dragging him through a group of students who were subtly pressing cigarettes between themselves. There were cries of protest as they shoved through the middle of their circle, and Alex tossed a "Sorry!" back at them.
But then- "Wait, what do you mean she says she's a lesbian?" Alex twisted out of Abhaya's grasp to reverse their position and yank the other boy to an abrupt halt.
"Alex!" Abyaha whined and Alex scowled at him, planting himself firmly in the hallway.
"No, hang on. You said, she says she's a lesbian. What did you mean by that?"
"Look, I just meant that she's dated a boy in the past, right? So how can she be a lesbian?"
Alex stared at him.
"Besides, she doesn't look anything like a lesbian."
"What?"
"What, like you don't agree? Her hair's way too long."
"What? Her hair-?"
"Alex, mate, you are way too humble," Abhaya grinned at him. "She flirts with you, like, every day in Physics. It's okay to acknowledge that. We all know you've got game."
Abhaya winked at him and waggled his eyebrows, and Alex just gaped at him.
"Oh my god. Are you serious?"
"Of course I am- you should ask her out or something-"
"No, not that! I mean, Abhaya, just because she's dated a guy doesn't mean she can't be a lesbian. And the length of her hair doesn't mean anything. You know that, right?"
Abhaya frowned at him, nonplussed. "What's this about? Look, all I'm saying is I don't think she's a lesbian. Not that it would be a problem if she were one-"
"Yeah but she's said she is, so why are you doubting her? Because she doesn't look how you think a gay girl is supposed to look?"
"It just doesn't seem very realistic is all."
Alex shook his head, bewildered beyond belief.
Abhaya scowled, looking embarrassed. "I was just trying to support you Alex, come on. Why did you have to make it weird?"
"I'm not trying to make it weird, Abhaya. I'm just trying to understand."
"You're a killjoy, you know that? A total killjoy." Abhaya huffed and walked away. "I was just trying to be nice. Just trying to support you. You've never dated anyone- I thought you could use encouragement, but nope, you made it weird."
Alex followed after his classmate, absolutely baffled. He really hadn't anticipated this.
"Look, Abhaya, I'm sorry, I just- if Heather says she's a lesbian, then she's a lesbian. I think that's kind of important."
Abhaya groaned, obviously wanting to be done with it all. "Look, whatever, okay? Just, like, forget I said anything. I just want my tater tots, that's all. Not some debate."
He bit down his immediate response that it wasn't exactly a debate, because there was nothing to debate, and instead said nothing.
They detoured through the new science department on their way to the cafeteria, and as they passed by one of the Chemistry rooms, Tom and Martinique popped out.
"Hey fellas," Tom said cheerfully, flinging his arms around Abhaya's shoulders and propelling them along. Alex saw Martinique slip away and couldn't help his relief. "Why the long faces?"
"Nothing," Abhaya rolled his eyes. "Just your boyfriend here has turned into a social justice warrior or something overnight."
Tom visibly paused at that and sent his best friend a quick look. Alex twisted his lips back and said, "I was just telling Abhaya that Heather Schmidt is a lesbian."
"Well…" Tom looked uncertainly between the two of them. "Well, yeah, I think the entire school knows that?"
"And I was just saying that I thought that she probably wasn't. Personally, I think she's just going through a phase- which is fine, definitely nothing wrong with girls snogging girls- but Alex got all offended when I suggested that."
"I got 'offended' when you inferred Heather's hair is too long for her to be a lesbian, despite the fact that she has specifically come out as one."
Tom winced. "Ah. Yes." He cleared his throat and said sympathetically, "That wasn't very cash money of you, Abhaya," and Abhaya threw up his hands.
"Not you too! Seriously, I wasn't saying there's anything wrong with being a lesbian! Why the hell are you being so sensitive?"
"Who's being sensitive?" James asked, popping up behind them, making them all start. "Throw me the deets, gang."
Ahaya threw a finger at James. "See, he's not afraid of a little gossip between friends!"
"Oh absolutely not," He leered at Alex, and Alex pointedly did not look at him.
"Look, I'm not trying to make this into a big deal or anything. But, I just- if Heather says she's a lesbian, shouldn't that be enough? Why does she have to prove it?"
"Oh," James said, losing his good humour. "Yikes. Sorry for uh, dropping into this conversation unannounced. Didn't mean to interrupt."
"You're not," Abhaya said. He sighed loudly. "Geeze. Like, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to offend you or anything, Alex. She doesn't seem like a lesbian to me is all I was trying to say, but- I dunno- I guess you're right." He paused and then repeated reluctantly, but a tad more sincerely. "I really am sorry."
Alex sighed too. "It's fine. I could have approached it all a bit more tactfully too."
"So we're good."
"Yeah. We're good."
Abhaya squinted at him for a moment, and then nodded, apparently satisfied with Alex's veracity. "Okay, well, then I guess I'm off to get my tater tots. I'll save you guys your seats."
They watched him go, and Tom touched Alex's elbow carefully. "So he was being kind of a jerk?"
"Not on purpose." He huffed out a breath. "Just… ignorant, I guess. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."
"Nah. Abhaya's a big boy. He can handle a little criticism."
They reached the cafeteria.
"You're still eating with us though, right?"
"Yeah. I'll just be a little late." He nodded past the cafeteria. "Have to meet up with Day."
"Oh?" James' brows raised. "You didn't mention this in Calc."
"It's not a big deal. He's just helping me with my hands." He flexed his bandaged knuckles at James, who grimaced in sympathy. "He's got a medical kit in his backpack, if you can believe it."
James snorted. "You're perfect for each other."
"Right?" Tom grinned, but unlike James, he sounded totally sincere. "It's so awesome you guys are talking more- I wish it wasn't because of an injury, but that's very on brand, so I'll allow it."
"Stop being so encouraging," He groaned, and James practically lit up.
"Hey, speaking of encouraging, Tom, has Alex told you about my suggestion yet?"
Tom perked up. "No, what suggestion?"
It took Alex a moment to remember, but when he did, he turned bright red. "James," he hissed, but the other boy plowed on.
"Just that he should watch some porn or something now that he knows a bit better what's he's into. I think it would be helpful."
"Porn!" Tom gasped like he'd stumbled across the Holy Grail, smacking his forehead, and Alex moaned lowly. "Oh my god, why didn't I think of that!"
"Tom-" Alex began, but once again no one listened.
"We should ask Jerry for recommendations-"
"What do you mean we?"
Tom seized his right hand between his own. "I could watch with you if you're nervous," he said earnestly and James absolutely cackled. "We could make a bro's night out of it."
"I'm not going to watch pornography with you!"
"I love you two so god damn much," A voice said behind them, and they whirled around to find Day, Kelly Pierce, and Nathan Graham just approaching. "Seriously, you just always keep things so damn bizarre."
"Nathan!" Tom chirped happily. "Hey buddy! We love you too!"
"Hey Nathan," Alex grit out, face burning. He avoided looking Day's way because oh my god. He was going to kill Tom. "Haven't seen you in a while."
Nathan Graham was the new captain of the school's football team, and Tom practiced with him after school every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Alex sometimes slunk into the bleachers to watch their work-outs, heart burning with longing. He had thought about rejoining the team, but he just… hadn't. He couldn't even explain why he hadn't.
"Tom's our team goalie currently and Alex used to be on the team a few years ago," Nathan explained for Day's edification, and Day nodded.
"Right. I remember Maria mentioning something about that. You quit because of health complications…?"
He nodded, reluctantly dragging his eyes up to Day's face. "Yeah. I was… going through some stuff."
"Hmm." Day stared back at him neutrally. He had taken his jacket off sometime between that morning and lunch, and Alex got a good view of the tight tendons in his arms. Okay. So maybe the arms did do something for him.
"We could use you back, you know." Nathan said. "Like, I'm sure Tom has mentioned, but shit, you remember Branton Academy? Those private school assholes? Fuckers utterly wrecked us at our last game."
"The only time we've ever beaten them was two years ago when Alex scored a penalty kick in overtime," Tom added for clarification.
"Yeah but the only reason I was allowed a penalty kick was because that midfielder elbowed me in the face and gave me a bloody nose."
"See what I mean?" Tom said out of the corner of his mouth to James. "On brand." James snorted, and Alex glowered.
"I hate both of you."
"You must if you're not going to watch pornography with them," Kelly teased. "I mean really Alex, so cold."
Kelly grinned at him when he looked at her, all blond hair and bright hazel eyes. He had never really talked with her personally, but she'd always seemed nice and earnest and easy-going. He understood why Day liked her. He also understood that his feelings of jealousy were deeply unfounded, and so he shoved them away forcefully and rolled his eyes good-naturedly back at her.
"Watching pornography with Tom would be literal divine punishment."
"Jerry watches porn with his friends," Tom pointed out, pouting, and Alex scrunched up his nose.
"No he doesn't."
"He does!" Tom insisted. "I heard him and his mate Ethan listening to a porno together when I was 12-"
"Ethan?" Alex interrupted. "You mean his boyfriend at the time, Ethan? That Ethan?"
Tom faltered. "I- well-" The realization hit him like a baseball, forcing his eyes wide. "Oh my god." He whispered. "They were totally having sex. I can't believe it."
"Tom I'm going to be honest, but having sex with your boyfriend is way less weird than watching porn together with your best friend."
"So fucking bizarre," Nathan repeated, grinning faintly. "Love you two so much. Alex, text me some time."
"Sure."
He disappeared into the cafeteria and Alex scowled at Tom one more time before once again forcing his eyes to Day, who was still watching him. "Are you- do you still want to help me?"
"Of course."
At least he didn't seem to have been scared off by Tom.
"Okay- great. Great. Do you want to go now?" Please? He added silently, and Day's impassive expression softened and he nodded. Alex grinned back, relieved.
Coward, James mouthed mockingly, and Alex threw a venomous glare his way. This was all his fault, the bastard.
"I hope to see you later Alex!" Kelly smiled nicely at him, and he hesitated for a moment and then smiled back.
"You too Kelly."
She grabbed James and Tom by the shoulders and steered them into the cafeteria, leaving Alex and Day alone in the hallway.
"Sorry about, uh, all that," he muttered, ducking his head as they started walking, weaving their way through the stragglers still on their way to lunch.
"It's fine- but sorry, can I ask…? Why does Tom want to watch pornography with you? I didn't realize you two were so..." He paused delicately. "...so close."
"Ugh," Alex groaned. "It's all James' fault. Now that he knows I don't like girls, he thinks I need to revisit my- you know- interests. This morning in Calc he actually asked me whether I'd prefer to top or bottom-"
Day choked on his spit, and Alex jumped away from him, startled, as the other boy hacked and coughed, face bright red.
"Day!" Alex smacked him on the back, alarmed.
"I- no, sorry, sorry-" Day gasped. He wrestled himself under control, although his face was still flushed. "Sorry. You just- shit. You caught me off guard there."
Alex turned red as well. "Oh. Sorry. That was a little too much information then."
"No! No, I mean- I'm your friend too, and, uh, I don't mind if you want to talk to me about this sort of thing. Really," he said sincerely at Alex's look of uncertainty. Day hesitated and then added. "Um. Did you…? Have a preference then?"
Alex glanced sharply at him. The other boy had finally locked back down his expression, although pink still lingered high on his cheeks.
"...I don't know." He said finally, deciding that Day probably wasn't messing with him. "Like I told James, I really haven't given it any thought. And he's really horrified that I haven't thought about this kind of thing, apparently, which is why he wants me to watch pornography. He's got so many weird opinions. He said I look like I'd be into bondage." He scowled, disgruntled. "What does that mean?"
"I'm not sure." Day sounded slightly strained. "I guess that's not something you've thought of either?"
They had reached Mrs. Martin's empty classroom, and Day opened the door and held a hand for Alex to enter.
"Well, not yet, I-…" Alex trailed off, one foot through the doorway, eyes locked on the group of boys who had just come out of another classroom down the hall. They were snickering and chattering loudly, and one boy said, "You've got bad fucking taste Abrams, I want you to know that."
And Len Abrams laughed.
Alex watched him closely, as he flapped his hand at his friends and responded. "You're an asshole, Cunningham. Look, I've got to piss, I'll catch up with you in the cafeteria, alright?"
"Alright." The group of boys shambled around the corner and Len crossed the hall to the gender-neutral bathroom, entered, and slammed the door behind him with a click.
A hand suddenly touched his elbow and he jerked his gaze back to Day, who was staring down at him warily. "Alex…"
"Look-" He started, and then faltered. "I… Look." He tried again, "I'm just going to go to the bathroom really quickly, alright?"
"Alex-"
"I'll be right back, okay?" He tried to step away, but Day's grip on his elbow tightened "Day, come on-"
"You're hurt," Day said lowly, lips pinched. "You're covered in bruises, you-"
"They're just bruises." He was exasperated. "Why is everyone making such a big deal about a couple of bruises? They hurt a bit, but come on! It's not like I have broken bones or gasoline burns or anything! I'm capable of-" He caught himself, "-I'm capable of going to the bathroom. You're not my mother, you can't tell me what to do."
There was silence for a moment. Day stared at him, a multitude of emotions flickering across his face like shadows in a darkened room. Day had the particular skill of unreadability, but he could easily guess what those flickers signified.
Frustration. Realization. Disappointment.
Jesus. This was the problem with other people, people who didn't know him…
Except more correctly, this was the problem with him, wasn't it?
Alex was trying to be a normal fucking human being. He was trying to fit in and make friends and do the right thing, but in the end, he was still just a rotten shell of a person, faking his way through life. There were too many ingrained responses inside of his body that were too hard to ignore. He could sooner drain the oceans than walk away from Len Abrams now.
He hated that Day was seeing this side of him, but if Dima got hurt because of something he had done, he genuinely might not be able to live with himself.
He shook Day off and walked away, and it took him nearly five steps to realize that Day was following him. He stopped abruptly.
"What are you doing?"
Day raised an eyebrow and said simply, "Coming with you."
"... What."
The look on Day's face was now startlingly clear. And so soft. "Alex. You're my friend. You're hurt-" He held up his hands to stave off any protests, although at that moment, Alex was too stunned to formulate words. "-I know you don't think bruises are a big deal, but I'm still allowed to worry. So. I'm coming."
Alex gaped at him. Never in a million years would he have been able to predict this outcome. Was Day okay? His jaw worked furiously, but in the end all he could manage was, "This isn't your job. You can just leave."
"It's not yours either. And I don't want to leave you. So…?" He gestured a hand, and Alex's mouth clicked shut.
What the hell was going on?
He warned, "You won't have plausible deniability."
Day just shrugged and grinned. "At least we can stop speaking in code."
"... Fine. But don't interfere. Okay? Don't. God. You're really nosy, you know that?"
"You specifically do not get to call me nosy," Day said as they moved and came to a stop beside the bathroom.
Alex took off his backpack and gently set it down. He rolled his shoulders and flexed his hands. Inside, he heard the toilet flush.
"Last chance," he warned quietly, and Day deliberately set his own bookbag down next to his.
The door swung open and Len's face appeared, dark bruise ringing his eye, only slightly dampening the utter shock that burst across his expression to find himself face to face with the two of them.
"Hey Abrams," Alex said. "Can we talk?"
Shock morphed into fearful anger, and he bared his teeth. "Fuck off, you-"
Alex lashed out with a kick at his instep and simultaneously slammed a shoulder into Len's chest.
"Fuck!" Len stumbled back into the bathroom, and Alex stepped in after him. To his relief, Day didn't follow, simply planted himself in the doorway, and he allowed himself a single moment to feel relieved that he was going to do as promised, before shoving the emotion away.
"I think we should talk," he said lightly, and Len hunched his shoulders and glared furiously.
"You used that word last time, too, you know," he ground out. "But it seems to me like your definition of talk is severely at odds with mine."
Alex inclined his head in acknowledgement, and pointed out, "We did talk. You just didn't listen. I hope you're willing to listen now."
"I haven't done anything!" His eyes darted from Alex to Day and back again, and with his back pressed between the sink and the toilet, he bore a startling resemblance to a wild animal. "And why the fuck is he here? This is such bullshit!"
Day's presence could have gone one of two ways: either Abrams would have felt compelled to brawl it out with Alex for the sake of a witness, or conversely, he would have held himself in, knowing rather surely now that if it came down to it, Alex could crush him, and someone watching would be humiliating.
Alex was pleased to see that it was the latter.
"Don't worry about him. Worry about me. Worry about yourself. I saw the way you looked at Dima this morning- I really didn't like that, Abrams."
"What the hell are you talking about? I didn't do anything!"
"And for your sake, I hope it stays that way."
"Or what?" Len snapped, trembling with his anger, but now Alex grew wary to see that he had a hard glint of stubborness in his eyes. Len straightened his back. "Or what, huh? I don't have to take this, you know. I could just go and tell Coach Matterson what you did. We didn't do anything and you hurt us for it. You'd be in so much fucking trouble." He laughed, and it was such a malicious, resentful sound, that Alex felt, for the first time, uneasy. "I know about you, you know. You wouldn't survive it if it came out. You've fucked up too much."
"...Oh?"
Len glared at him. "They'd expel you. I can do that to you, Rider. All I have to do is talk, and then you're gone, and fuck, by this point I want to fuck up your queer of a boyfriend. I'll fucking ruin him. All I have to do is talk."
Alex rocked back on his heels. Behind him he could hear a sharp intake of breath from Day, but still Day stood in the doorway and didn't speak.
At least there was that.
He pressed his fingertips lightly against his knuckles and pressed down. Len was actually trying to blackmail him. In this cramped bathroom, in his own school, Len was trying to blackmail him. He felt a burning in his chest, that was decidedly at odds with the icy numbness seizing the rest of his body, and he realized abruptly that he could taste copper.
He unclenched his jaw and swallowed the blood that welled up in his throat from where he'd bitten through the side of his tongue.
"You don't have any options," Len said coldly. "You leave me the fuck alone, or you're done for, Rider."
Alex pressed down brutally against his knuckles and looked at Len and asked simply. "Do you still live at 123 Vickers Circle?"
"I...what?" The victory on Len's face fell away to uncertainty and something uneasy slithered through his eyes.
"You do," Alex confirmed, and tilted his head. "With the veranda and the looped driveway?"
"What the hell does that have to do with it?" Len snapped, and Alex watched as his unease slid decidedly into fear. "How the hell do you know where I live?"
Alex smiled gently, and with his back against the tiled wall, Len flinched.
"Abrams, what do you think is going to happen if I get expelled?" He said quietly. "Do you think that's going to be the end of it?"
"Yes," Len said stubbornly, although his eyes were locked on Alex, and there were beads of sweat clinging to his forehead. "If you so much as think about touching me after you get expelled, they'll put you away. My uncle is a lawyer, he can make that happen."
"Can he unshatter your collarbone?"
At his back Day sucked in a harsh breath, and in front of him, Len couldn't stifle his fright.
"Excuse me?"
"Wrestling qualifications are coming up, aren't they?" He continued conversationally, as if he were simply commenting on the weather. "And I'm sure you want to win, don't you? What with your scholarship and all. Universities usually aren't fans of wrestlers who can't wrestle."
Len gaped at him, horrified. "Are you threatening me?"
"Yes."
Len looked sick.
"I'd probably get sent somewhere," he continued. "But if you know so much about me, Abrams, you'll know that I find it a fair trade. And it would be too late for you. No matter what happened to me, it would still be too late for you. So."
He smiled, but Len just continued to stare frozen with horror, and didn't say anything.
"Think about it." He stepped back and up to Day, and Day retreated from the doorway, looking dazed. "And maybe wash your hands," he added just before the door swung shut with a click.
They stood outside in silence for a moment, neither of them speaking. Day was staring at him. He looked as if he were truly seeing Alex for the first time.
The expression on his face made the bottom of Alex's stomach drop out, and he swallowed down the burst of shame that surged up his throat like fire. Damn it. He firmed himself and smiled tightly. "Well. Now that that's been taken care of."
He turned and strode off, and this time he made it all the way to the end of the hallway before the rustle of footsteps caught up with him and Day took him by the shoulder and pulled him to a halt.
"Where are you going?"
"Lunch," Alex said indifferently. "It's not over yet."
"I didn't-" Day shook his head, frustrated, and tightened his grip on Alex's shoulder. "Come here."
He steered him toward Mrs. Martin's classroom and ushered him in, shutting and locking the door firmly behind them.
Alex allowed himself to be led to a desk, but resisted when Day pressed against his shoulders to get him to sit, staring staunchly at a spot past Day's ear.
"Please sit," Day said quietly. "Alex."
And he could hardly deny him when he sounded like that.
Day took the desk next to him, and there was more silence as Alex stared vaguely at the whiteboard at the front of the classroom, and Day stared at Alex. The silence swirled and built and grew almost suffocating, but Alex clamped his jaw shut and refused to break it.
"How did you know where he lived?" Day asked finally.
"He threw a house party last year. I wasn't invited, but Tom went."
Day nodded slowly. "I remember. I… actually I think I was invited to that. I had completely forgotten. And his wrestling scholarship?"
"He's practically failing all his classes. It would be unlikely he wasn't trying for a scholarship."
"Huh." Day stared at him some more. "Would you really shatter his collarbone?"
Alex's lips twisted wryly. "Honestly? I'm not sure. If I had to, yeah. But if he messed with Dima again, I could just as easily plant something in his locker to get him kicked out of school, or at least wrestling, and that'd solve it just as well."
"Why didn't you use that as a threat instead?"
"He's already had a taste of pain. It'd be easier to imagine the physical threat."
"Huh." Day repeated.
Alex finally allowed his gaze to settle back on Day. The other boy had regained some colour to his face, and now he looked less spooked, and more thoughtful. Still, Alex had dragged him into something he probably shouldn't, and he could feel the guilt crawling inside of him. There was so much of it in his body, filling up his chest like a lake.
"I'm really sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sure that this wasn't what you were expecting to see. Or hear."
"Not really, no. But… it should have been. I mean-" He shook his head. "How else did I think it was going to happen?"
Alex could guess. Probably something a little more civilized. Something less callous, less vicious. He slumped.
"Not such a good person now, huh?" He muttered, and Day looked at him sharply.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"What do you think?" He glared at Day, frustrated by his feigned ignorance, frustrated with himself and all the things he had screwed up. "You just watched me threaten to ruin someone. To ruin his future, his career, the rest of his damn life. Just because I wanted something. I was cruel to him. We both know it."
"What I know is that you took action against someone who was hurting someone close to you. You stood up for your friend, even though you didn't have to. That's what I know." Day crossed his arms and frowned back at Alex, who just glared harder, his guilt fleshing out into shameful anger.
"Stop making excuses."
"Alex, come on, they're not excuses. Sure you were a little- a little firmer than I was expecting you to be, but, I mean, he kind of deserved it."
"He's a kid," he grit out. "How could he ever deserve to have someone hold his future over his head? Threaten him with violence if he doesn't comply, threaten to come to his house and hurt him- he's supposed to be safe at home! It's disgusting. I didn't- I don't- he needed to stop but I shouldn't-" He dashed a hand across his eyes, furious when his knuckles came back wet with tears. "It's disgusting," he repeated in a hiss.
Day's breath hitched, and now he was really staring at Alex, a look of terrible comprehension creeping up his face.
"Alex-" He said cautiously, but Alex cut him off.
"Don't, please don't, I just-..."
God, this was such a mess. He was ruining everything. Why couldn't he control himself? He already felt so exposed when he was around Day, but now he just felt raw, like he'd been skinned and turned inside out, his shame and guilt and horror exposed to the bitter air. How had he ever let himself become this? This thing, solving all his problems with violence and blood. He'd been trying to run from the cruelty, only to find that it was inside him all along.
He lowered his head and took a deep breath. And then he took another, forcing his emotions down, swallowing his nausea and his shame and that burning, frightening anger that kept welling up inside him. He relaxed his mouth. And then untightened his eyes. Piece by piece he carved his face back into smooth disregard, and in moments, he was back to the blank nothingness that had served him so well in the past.
He looked up and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I lost control there a bit. It won't happen again, I promise."
Day stared at him, eyes wide. He looked incredibly upset. "Alex… You don't have to apologize. And you don't have to hide how you're feeling, if you're sad or afraid-"
"I'm not afraid. Everything's fine."
"Right, but if it wasn't-"
"It is. Things have been taken care of. Len's going to leave Dima alone if he has an ounce of intelligence in him, we didn't come to blows again, and I'm not going to break his collarbone. It's all good."
He made to stand and Day seized his sleeve. "Where are you going?"
"Lunch."
"Stay. We still haven't looked at your hand."
"Oh." Alex was taken aback. "You really don't have to do that-"
"I said I would, didn't I? I really-" He stopped abruptly, fingers tightening on Alex's sleeve. "I want to help you." He said finally, and Alex felt his breath hitch.
"...Okay."
Day's fingers slid from Alex's sleeve down his wrist to his hand, and Alex bit his lip at the tingling trail he left across his skin. He watched as his bandages were carefully unwound and his bruised skin was bared to the cool air.
Day pulled out his pain relieving cream and squeezed out a dollop onto his fingertips.
"Wait, I can-"
"Don't worry about it," Day said and then gently rubbed the cream over Alex's swollen knuckles.
It was probably only a minute or two, but sitting there with Day's long fingers rubbing over his hands, it felt like hours.
How could he have gone from such violence to such gentleness in the span of only a few minutes? It was like he had fallen in a dream. The logical conclusion of threatening to cripple someone was usually a healthy dose of wariness, but Day was sitting there practically holding his hand, and nothing was making sense anymore.
He held there as still as possible, watching Day's bent head. He really did have nice lips. And a nice nose. And James would surely get a kick out of it, but Alex rather liked his eyebrows too.
Too soon, the moment was over, and Day ran his thumb over the back of his hand one last time, and then rewrapped the bandages. "There. All better."
"...Thanks."
It came out a bit more strangled than he had wanted, but Day's eyes just crinkled at him, pleased. "Anytime."
"You know... " Alex smiled back hesitantly. It was small, but it was sincere, with a bit more softness than he would have liked to have shown. "I like you too, Webster. I hope you know that. You're… a good friend. I never really thought you'd be like this."
"Like what?"
"Like, you know, this-" He waved a hand vaguely. "You're really patient. More patient than most people I've met, and you seem to care about me, and other people you don't know very well, and you came along willingly to a conversation that could potentially get you in a lot of trouble. And you seemed to get over it very quickly." He shrugged. "I don't know. You're pretty unique, and I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me."
A pink flush rose to Day's cheeks. "Oh," he said, and he sounded like he was trying to catch his breath. "Of course. Thank you for saying that to me. I also find you, um, to be a very unique person, and I've been enjoying getting to know you better. Even if that includes watching you threaten to shatter someone's collarbone."
Alex swallowed a wince, but Day just grinned at him.
"Well, hopefully in the future, hanging out will involve much less violence."
Day's grin widened. "Yeah. Hopefully."
Alil's car was in the driveway when he got home, and it took him a moment to untangle the emotions of relief and dread that seized at his body as he opened the front door. He slipped it shut and then just stood, motionless, in the front hallway a moment. Listening.
It was almost perfectly silent. The only sounds he could hear were the distant hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen, and the soft whirring of the heater working behind the walls. It would have almost been peaceful, if not for the pervading sense of loneliness and heartache.
Just three years ago, the house would have been filled with noise when he came home. Jack would be in the living room, laughing and singing along to the radio while she cleaned. Ian would be in the kitchen, humming the same tune quietly, cracking eggs for dinner, music dancing through the halls. He would have thrown his schoolbag down on the couch, dodging Jack's fake swipe at him for messing up the living room, and then gone to Ian to help him cook, and then the three of them would sit down and talk and care about each other and love each other.
But now the house was empty and choked in silence. He walked to the living room quietly. Alil was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, staring at the blank TV, eyes vacant. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and he still had on his shoes. Tears were streaming down his face without a sound.
He wavered for a moment, hand clutching the strap of his backpack tightly. Then he called quietly. "Alil?"
No response.
He inched further into the room, avoiding the broken chunks of a coffee cup that had smashed against the ground. "Alil? Are you okay?"
Alil finally gave a lurch, as if someone had stepped on him. "Alex?" Blank eyes swung up to the teenager. He stared, looking lost. "You're home early."
He wasn't.
"Do you want some water or something?" Alex asked uncertainly. How long had Alil been lying there?
"No no-" Alil waved a hand and laughed. The sound was so detached that Alex flinched. "I've been drinking enough."
"Oh."
Alil looked at him some more, his gaze becoming more focused, although the lost look on his face didn't fade. "I don't know if I can do this," he whispered, and Alex came fully into the room and crouched cautiously a few feet from his guardian.
"I think you can."
Alil laughed again. "Thanks, but you don't really know anything about it, kid."
He did. He knew all about it, in fact, but he simply placed a careful hand on Alil's ankle. "You're still here, Alil. Whatever happened, you're still here."
"And what if I don't want to be here anymore?"
"Then you take it by hours. Get through one hour. And then you get through the next. You just have to keep going."
"You make it sound so simple." Alil sneered halfheartedly. "But you don't know what you're talking about. You think you do, because your parents died and now you have to live with someone you don't know, but there are worse things in this world. Things you'll never have to deal with, and I hope you're thankful, because those things would haunt your nightmares for the rest of your fucking life. I know they haunt mine."
Alex removed his hand and stood up. "Maybe you don't know what you're talking about."
Alil's sneer hardened. "You're a child, Alex. Why don't you go to your fucking room like a good boy."
"Only if you stop moaning about how hard your fucking life is and make dinner like a good fucking guardian," he responded coldly, and then left, ignoring the harsh stutter of Alil's breath, and the crippling feeling of loss curling inside his ribcage.
A/N: Here it is! So in my personal life, a lot of my friends have made some kind of frustrating comments to me, but not because they were being intentionally cruel. They just hadn't really thought about how it might come across. Now that Alex is paying more attention to sexuality/gender/etc., he is starting to notice these comments in his life too.
Anyway, I hope I did okay with pacing, this story is really so dialogue heavy! But don't worry, we'll be getting into some action soon! Okay, onto reviews!
Thank you Night Riders OMG! I read your comment and just started tearing up like a baby, made me so happy! I wrote this chapter with a lot of your words in mind. You definitely gave me the idea to have Alex reapproach Len, although I know it didn't happen quite how you may have liked! I hope you still enjoyed this version! :D And lol, I am totally accepting your suggestion to have Day be watchful about Alex's relationship with Tom, that is actually so cute! Thank you so much for the amazing comment, I'm so glad you have stuck with me so far! I love you :')
Brigith, thank you for such a kind review! :') :') I am glad you like the characterization, it's kind of hard to write Alex because he's been through so much crazy stuff lol! Things will get a lot worse for Alex haha, but then they will definitely get better, I promise! :)
Thank you Lullyanne, we will be exploring Alil much more in the future! His character arc is coming up soon, so stay tuned haha!
Lydia2210, thank you for the review! Day does a pretty good job at figuring things out, which will be both a blessing and a curse to Alex in the future lol!
Mae, your enthusiasm makes me so happy! It's so nice that someone is enjoying my story like this!
gbd, I am glad you like Day and Dima! I haven't written such involved OCs before in a story, so this is very new for me! I am glad I am doing okay!
And thank you guests! Reading your reviews kept me going!
I know this was a long author's note lol, but I would really like to repeat my thanks to the people who reviewed, because it really keeps me going! I so so appreciate you all! :')