AN: Thanks for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 2
The stage lights relit to show the 3PO and R2 actors wandering around the stage as if looking for something. "Well THIS is another fine mess you've gotten into, R2!" shouted the 3PO actor. "Hmm, into, R2, that is rather interesting to say . . . oh but never mind! Why did I let you talk me into this? Oh, if I get sand in my circuits it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"I say," said the real 3PO as the actors exited the stage, "that actor complains far too much."
The real R2 beeped.
"What do you mean, spot on?" 3PO exclaimed. "R2, you would not know a good performance if it chopped off your leg!"
Meanwhile, a young actress with silky blonde hair and large eyes had sauntered onto the stage, wearing a white tunic that resembled the outfit Luke wore when he first left Tatooine.
"I am Luke Skywalker," the woman announced in a high, chipper voice, "and I LONG for adventure, but I'm stuck here on Tatooine."
The real Luke's eyes bulged. "Wait . . . a woman's playing me?"
"Wow," said Han, "that's something. I ain't sure what exactly, but it's something."
"Well, Luke is in touch with his feminine side," said Lando. "Not that that's a bad thing."
"Why, oh WHY can't I go on an adventure?" the Luke actress shouted. "My aunt and uncle are so MEAN and they'll probably keep me on this sandball until I'm old and gray! Why can't I go to the Academy? WHHYYYYYYY?"
"I don't whine like this!" the real Luke muttered.
"Uh . . . you kinda do . . . sometimes," said Han.
"What?" shouted Luke. "No I don't! I don't whine! I'm also NOT A WOMAN!"
"But wait!" the Luke actress exclaimed. "What is that?"
With that a gruff, middle-aged actor came onstage with the 3PO and R2 actors following. "Luke," he said in a voice so rough it was hard to make out what he was saying, "I just bought these two droids to help us out on the farm and you're gonna clean them up right now!"
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the real Luke. "I was THERE when Owen bought the droids!"
Han shrugged. "Well, you can't expect 'em to get everything right."
"They got my gender wrong!" retorted Luke. "Is it too much to ask that they be right about whether or not I was there to buy the droids?"
"Shh!" hissed Leia. "Do you want to get kicked out?"
"Hmph," grumbled Luke, folding his arms.
Meanwhile, the Luke actress screamed, "Whaaaaaattt? I was gonna go to Toche Station to pick up power converters!"
"I don't see you doing that," said the Owen actor. "I just see you standing around and goofing off while whining about how you can't go on an adventure. Now get your lazy ass inside and clean up the droids!"
"Hmph!" The Luke actress folded her arms much like the real Luke had a few moments ago and stuck her nose in the air. "When will you stop treating me like a child?"
"When you stop ACTING like one!" the Owen actor snarled as he stormed offstage.
The Luke actress gave a sigh so loud that whooshing spit noises came through the speakers. "All right, droids, let's get you cleaned up." She pulled a rag out of her pocket, spat on it, and started rubbing it over the R2 actor's costume dome.
"Eww," said Leia. "I hope they wash that guy's dome between performances.
"So, where exactly are we?" asked the 3PO actor. "I'm certain I have never seen this planet before – unless of course I had a memory wipe sometime in the past and it turns out I was actually created on this planet, but the odds of that are approximately . . ."
"You're on Planet Lame," interrupted the Luke actress.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Planet Lame," the actress repeated. "The lamest planet in the galaxy and I have the misfortune to live here."
The real Luke's eye twitched. "This actress is making me seem completely childish and unlikable!"
"Well . . . maybe it's to demonstrate how you mature later on?" Leia offered.
Suddenly the Luke actress jumped back. "Wait!" she exclaimed. "What could this be?"
A hologram of the Leia actress was projected next to the R2 actor. "HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!" she screamed. "HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOOOOPPPPPPEEEE!"
The real Leia felt herself wanting to cover her ears. "Was my message really this loud?"
"No," said Luke. "It wasn't this . . . screamy either."
"Oh, WOW!" the Luke actress exclaimed. "Look at her, she's so HOT! She's like the hottest girl I've ever seen and I think I might need to change my underwear and who is she, anyway?"
"What?" the real Luke exclaimed, his face reddening.
"Hmm," said the 3PO actor, "for some reason I have no idea even though I was on the same ship with her and I belong to her father's captain and all."
"BEEP!" said the R2 actor.
"What?" exclaimed the 3PO actor. "What do you mean you belong to this Obi-Wan Kenobi person?"
"Well there's no one named Obi-Wan around here," said the Luke actress. "There's a guy named Ben Kenobi, but he couldn't possibly be Obi-Wan since anyone trying to hide here would be sure to change both their first AND last names."
"HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOOOOPPPPEEE!" the Leia actress kept wailing.
"I think she's in trouble," said the Luke actress. "Could you play the whole recording so I could masturba-I mean help her?"
"Beep beep beep!" said the R2 actor, to which the real R2 beeped angrily and the real 3PO exclaimed, "Oh my!" The other audience members thought it best not to ask what the R2 actor just said.
"R2 wants you to remove the restraining bolt," said the 3PO actor, "although if you were to do so he could run away, so I wouldn't suggest . . ."
"There!" the Luke actress shouted happily as she pulled off the bolt and it landed on the stage with a clank, making the hologram disappear (much to the real Leia's delight). "Now you can play me the whole message!"
"Beep!" shouted the R2 actor, blowing a raspberry as he rushed offstage.
"Oh my," said the real 3PO as the Luke actress and the 3PO actor went chasing after the R2 actor. "Why ever did the R2 actor say he was going to eat a Wampa's comlink? Wampas have no use for comlinks!"