"Alex you stupid idiot!" Tom grabbed him by the front of his jacket and shook him like a magic-8-ball. "Are you kidding me?"
Alex struggled out of Tom's grip and glared at him, nonplussed and yeah, kind of hurt. "Look, I know there were better ways to handle it, but I didn't want him to do anything to Dima—"
"Not that!" Tom smacked the suggestion down like it were an insect. "I mean with Day. He rubbed the cream on for you? He literally held your hand and rubbed it in?"
"Yeah…?"
"You idiot," Tom repeated reverently. "You goddamn clown."
"Wow, okay, you're really being kind of a jerk—"
"Mate, I'm actually with Tom here on this one," James interrupted, eyebrows raised. His elbows were up on the cafeteria table and his hands were laced in front of his face. "You're kind of, like, simultaneously the smartest person I know, but also a huge dumbass."
"Okay seriously guys."
"Alex, straight guys don't do that sort of thing," James said patiently, and Alex frowned. Tom nodded his agreement empathetically.
"He's right. Can you imagine James tenderly cradling Abhaya's hand and rubbing Bengay onto it? Can you?"
"Well… no. But you'd do that for me."
"Because I am your best friend and I love you," Tom said exasperatedly. "Why are you being so deliberately obtuse?"
"I'm not! I'm just saying, he's probably just being friendly— he's a really nice person. Come on James, you agreed with me before."
"Uh, yeah, before you told me about that entire homoerotic experience in Mrs. Martin's class, and the fact that he invited you over to his house on Friday, and the fact that he has texted you like five 10 star selfies. Alex. Mate. You genuinely might have a chance, why aren't you happier about this?"
"How come he can't just want to be my friend?" Alex said stubbornly, scowling first at James, and then at Tom, who was shoveling a Fruit-Roll Up into his mouth like it might disappear. "I'm capable of making friends."
"Of course you are," Tom blinked, looking startled, and paused with his Fruit-Roll Up. "That's not what we're insinuating at all."
"Tom's right," James put in. "In, like, a healthy relationship, your partner is always going to be a friend too. Just because Day wants to get it doesn't mean he doesn't also genuinely like you and enjoy hanging around you."
"Yeah, having a crush and wanting to be someone's friend aren't mutually exclusive."
"And from what I know about Webster, he really is a good bloke. I don't think he'd jerk you around or anything." James grinned and leered. "Just jerk you off."
Alex went bright red, and Tom kicked James under the table and hissed, "Shut up!"
"This is so awkward," Alex muttered, humiliated. "You guys are like the dads I never had, but really really inappropriate dads."
"I think I'm a very appropriate father," Tom objected, offended, but James just snickered.
"I can think of a better daddy for you." And this time it was Alex who stomped on his foot.
"Piss off."
"Yeah, shove off James," Tom glared. "We're trying to have a heart to heart here."
"Whatever, like you weren't thinking it." But he snagged Tom's granola bar and leaned back, and gestured for them to continue.
"Anyway," Tom huffed. "I think you should make your move soon."
"Uh, my move?"
"Yeah, to establish, like, the connection. Let him know you feel it too."
"I'm still not convinced there is a connection. It's more likely he's just being friendly-"
"Why?" Tom demanded. "Why is that more likely? Huh? You're really cool, you're funny, you're super hot—"
"Can confirm," James interjected. "Hella girls like you."
"Yeah! And apparently you and Day have a lot in common. What's not to like?"
"It's just- I mean- he dated Kelly last year, right? And has he shown any interest in a guy?"
"Uh, yeah? He's shown an interest in you? I told you, I'm pretty sure he's bi."
"But I'm not sure. And- and what if you're wrong? And he doesn't like me? And I come on to him and he turns me down politely because he's a very polite person and he wouldn't be mean about it but I've made things weird and then nothing is the same and I've lost a friend?"
"That's not going to happen!"
"You don't know that." He glared. "You don't know that at all, you're just living in some fantasy world where everything is going to magically work out all right in the end, but that just doesn't happen, Tom. It just doesn't."
"Well it could," Tom said stubbornly. "Maybe you're the one living in the pessimistic world where things always go wrong. But Alex, just because bad things have happened to you in the past—"
Alex stiffened and interrupted, "That has nothing to do with this—"
"—it doesn't mean that's what life is going to be like forever—"
"Tom shut up," He hissed, with something approaching genuine anger. "What may or may not have happened to me doesn't have anything to do with what's happening now—"
"Except I think it does." Tom glared back at him, and James looked between the two of them, eyes wide, looking horribly out of place. "You're so used to everything going wrong that you're setting yourself up for heartbreak where it doesn't yet exist."
"You don't know anything about it," he said tightly, wrestling down his temper. "I'm just being realistic."
"You're afraid. But you don't have to be, Alex, you really don't, the worst that could happen is he lets you down gently, and I'm telling you, that's not going to happen."
"I think he's right," James interjected softly, cautiously. "Day would never be cruel, Alex."
Alex struggled, swallowing convulsively on the words he didn't know how to say, the feelings he didn't know how to express. His jaw was tight and his chest was burning, but at that very moment he couldn't say whether it was with anger or panic.
Because he wasn't afraid of cruelty. Not really. He'd had too much of it already, in his life, and just a little more wouldn't kill him. That wasn't it, but he didn't know how to- he wasn't even sure he wanted to- get the truth of it across to Tom.
At the table in front of them a group of girls burst into loud cackling laughter, and somewhere in the rest of the loud chatter bubbling around them, someone was singing Bohemian Rhapsody wildly off key.
Alex clenched his fists and stared down at the table, lips tight, feeling incredibly alone in the cacophony of happiness.
He wasn't afraid of cruelty. He was afraid that he was unlovable. Unlikeable. He was such a bad person, honestly. A total screw up. He'd done so many awful things in life, and had so many awful things done to him, that he just wasn't right anymore. And yeah, he was trying to get better, but some days he just sat on his bed staring at the wall feeling nothing because feeling nothing was better than facing the awful truth that he was absolutely disgusting.
God.
"What if he doesn't like me?" He asked so quietly James had to lean across the table to hear him.
"I'm telling you he does—" Tom said, and Alex cut him off.
"I don't mean now. I mean… I mean once he gets to know me better. Once he learns the type of person I am."
He looked at his friends, who looked back at him, and said certainly, "He'll stop."
Tom sucked in a harsh breath and opened his mouth, looking ready to burst out in denials and guarantees, but James cut in before he could.
"Maybe he will, yeah," he said unconcernedly. Tom gaped at him, and even Alex was startled.
"James," Tom hissed, but James waved him away.
"What? It's the truth. It might happen. That's a risk with every couple. Not just you, Al."
"Yeah, but with me it's different—"
"Not really," James interrupted again. "It's obvious that people are capable of liking you, Rider, because Tom and I are sitting right here. And obviously some people don't, because Andre Pritchard took one look at you and started crying yesterday. That's just life. You're not perfect, Alex, I admit that, but you're also not some hopeless case. Your baggage might a bit different, but, like, everyone has baggage that's unique to them, so.
You will literally never know what will happen with Day unless you give things a shot. It's not your choice whether he likes you or not, that's totally up to him. You should give him the opportunity. If things fail, yeah, that sucks arse, but you'll get over it. Do you really want to live with the regret of never even trying?"
Alex was silent. That was… honestly exactly what he had wanted to hear. Not promises or guarantees, because those so rarely lasted through to the end. But logic. A rational flow-chart of thought.
And did he want to live with the regret?
No.
Hell no.
What he wanted was to grow and learn and get over his traumas, and yeah, okay, things probably would never be 100% okay ever again, but he did have friends, didn't he? And he didn't have a family, but he didn't need a family, because he had Tom and James and Jerry, and yeah, maybe he could add Day to that list soon.
But he didn't need Day, either. If things went badly and Day got weird, then that was just the way it was. He had survived literally his entire life without Day in it, he could survive the rest of it without him if need be.
He wasn't unloveable. He wasn't. Tom was proof of that, because he trusted Tom, and if Tom said that he loved him, then he did, and who was he to tell Tom how to feel? He wasn't unloveable. He wasn't unlikeable. It was just his stupid messed up brain telling him things that weren't true, and Alex knew that he couldn't trust himself to be an impartial judge on his own life, because yeah, he kind of hated himself, but that didn't mean that other people would.
He was afraid, sure. Very afraid. But his friends were right, he didn't have to be, and he was on a quest to be a braver person, wasn't he? A better person.
Tom reached across and touched his arm gently and just like that he felt more grounded. "You could just try a little hinting. You don't have to out and say that you like him."
"Yeah. He's pretty intimate with you, Al. You could just match that level of intimacy and see how he acts. That wouldn't hurt anything, would it?"
They were both staring at him earnestly, and God, Alex couldn't find it in him to disappoint his friends.
Alex swallowed down his emotions and smoothed himself back together as best he could. "No," he conceded quietly. "I suppose it couldn't."
Tom brightened immediately. "So you'll do it?"
"I guess I will. But… what does that even mean? Matching his intimacy?"
James' lips curled and his eyes gleamed. "Well," he said significantly, leaning in closer. "Here's what you need to do…"
"If you could be any animal, what animal would you want to be?"
"A magpie."
"That's different," Day said, brows raised, and Alex shrugged.
"They're really smart, and they can pass the mirror test. And they can fly, which is brilliant. What about you?"
Day thought for a moment. "A magpie's a good choice. I'd choose a peregrine falcon, also because they can fly. They're actually the fastest animal on the planet."
"I thought that was a cheetah?"
"In a free dive, a peregrine falcon can reach speeds up to 380 kilometers per hour, which is way faster than a cheetah. Isn't that wicked? Absolute crazy to think about."
Alex hummed his agreement.
He and Day were walking down the sidewalk, bundled up in their jackets, hands stuffed into their pockets. Thick grey clouds were knit across the sky, blocking the sun, and the air was bitingly cold.
Day had pulled Alex to the side after the release bell rang. He'd asked, very casually, if he could walk with Alex again, and Alex had said yes. He'd done his best to ignore the very pointed looks James and Tom had given him, but their lunchtime conversation was definitely still hovering in the forefront of his mind.
"And peregrine falcons like to live on coasts." Day continued. "I would love to live by the ocean, personally. My mum tries to take me and my sisters to the beach whenever the weather is good, and it's always so nice. But if I could fly, I could travel wherever I wanted, not just the beach."
"Where would you go?"
"Don't know. Everywhere. Obviously if I'm a bird, I'd have a lot of limitations, but, you know. I've always wanted to visit Spain."
"I actually..." He trailed off, considering. Day glanced at him as they walked and waited patiently, and it was that patience that encouraged him to continue. "I actually lived in Spain. When I was younger. When I lived with my uncle."
"...Yeah?" Day said carefully, and Alex pretended he didn't notice the quick, evaluating flick of Day's eyes across his face.
He nodded. "Yeah. It was actually really great. I got to practice my Spanish every day. And we visited some great zoos- I think you would have really enjoyed them."
"I bet."
Alex cleared his throat. "Day. I want you to know that I don't necessarily not want to talk about, you know, my family or anything. It's just that sometimes people can get kind of weird about it, and often I find it can be better to avoid the whole subject. Just because it's easier."
"Oh. Well that's… kind of terrible, Alex. Like, I get it, for sure, but that still sucks."
"Yeah," Alex said quietly.
"Do you… do you mind if I ask you some questions? I will do my best to be, you know, emotionally perceptive, and you can tell me to shove off if I overstep—"
"Go ahead."
"Okay." Day looked at him. "Um. You said you lived in Spain with your uncle? What about your parents?"
"They died when I was very young. I lived with my uncle until I was 14, and then he died too."
"Jesus... And then… that's when you were put into foster care."
"Yeah."
"I didn't realize it was such a recent thing."
"It's been almost three years," Alex said, and Day smiled wryly.
"Three years is hardly anything, Alex. I know that. It took me nearly seven years to get over my parents' divorce, and that was just a divorce."
"Divorces are beasts of their own," Alex said, thinking about Tom and his parents, and the absolute god awful trauma of that entire situation. "You don't have to downplay it."
"Still." Day fiddled with the zipper on his jacket for a moment. He'd put it back on when they'd stepped outside and Alex was sorry to see his bare forearms go. "Who do you live with now?"
"His name is Alil. He's… okay. Kind of lazy, but, you know, could be worse."
"Hmm. You guys get along?"
"Could be worse," Alex repeated noncommittally. "In any case, I spend so much time at Tom's place, I hardly see him anyway."
"Ah," Day said, and there was a peculiar tone to his voice that had Alex glancing over at him. "Right. You and Tom." He looked at Alex and held eye contact. "You guys seem pretty close."
"We are," Alex said, puzzled by what he was hearing. It was almost like… It almost sounded like… like Day was jealous. James and Tom's words floated into his head and he looked away from Day, his heart pounding. "We've been best friends for like five years now. Just friends," he stressed. "Tom isn't interested in me like that."
"Right." Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Day was still looking at him. "But are you interested in him? I'm not, like, accusing you or anything, I'm really just curious, and of course you don't have to answer if you don't want to—"
"I don't like Tom like that." Alex said. "He's my best friend. He's the closest person in my life, and I love him so much, but not like that. It would be like having a crush on my really annoying brother who knows that I cried watching Cinderella and always reminds me of it even though he knows I've read his diary— and yeah, he really has a diary. He's been there for me through so much, and he knows so much about me, and he doesn't ever pass judgment, even though he probably should."
"Oh." Day was silent for a long moment as they continued along the sidewalk. Then, "You really cried watching Cinderella?"
"Oh piss off," Alex shoved Day in the side, and the other boy grinned at him.
"Don't worry," he teased. "I think it's cute."
Alex went red, even as the voices of Tom and James shrieked even louder in his brain, joining in with his own internal screaming.
"Piss off," he repeated, but it came out somewhat strangled, and Day's grin widened.
They continued walking for a few more minutes, when there was suddenly a loud crack of thunder in the distance. They both looked up at the dark clouds overhead.
"Looks like it's about to pour," said Alex.
"Yeah. We should head inside somewhere. Wait it out."
Alex thought for a moment about what was nearby. "You in the mood for ice cream?"
Day's eyes lit up. "Always."
15 minutes later they were tucked in the corner of Alex's favourite ice cream shop, watching the rain pour down in sheets through the window. The only other customer in the store was an elderly man in a Vietnam Veteran baseball cap scraping chocolate syrup out of his cup on the far side. Alex and Day had their backpacks propped up in spare high chairs and Alex was surprised by how intimate the atmosphere felt, for a place with bright green plastic tabletops and dark purple pleather seats.
"We narrowly missed that," Day marvelled, taking a bite out of the scoop of strawberry ice-cream in his cone. Alex made a face.
"Did you just bite your ice-cream? Oh my god. Should have left you outside for the storm. Would have struck you down like the lightning rod you are and we'd all be better for it."
"You really want to start the height jokes?" Day asked, brows raised. "Do you really?"
"The only thing I want is for you to lick your ice-cream like a normal human being—"
Day took another pointed bite of his ice-cream and smirked at Alex's expression. "That's kind of a tall order coming from you, Rider. I mean, you're about four inches too short to be considered a normal human yourself."
"Wow, a two-in-one hit, huh. Surprised you could think that up with the thin air up there."
Day kicked his shin lightly under the table and Alex kicked him back.
"I'm not afraid to fight someone smaller than me, you know."
"I'm bigger where it counts."
It was only when Day raised an eyebrow that Alex realized how his words could have been taken, and he groaned through a blush. "I meant muscles, oh my god."
Day just laughed. "So, how strong are you, exactly? You do karate, right? What kind of muscle mass does that take?"
In lieu of answering, Alex switched his ice-cream to his nondominant hand and then held out his arm. "Put your hand on my bicep."
When Day complied, he twisted his wrist and flexed. It was his turn to grin at the way Day's mouth popped open in startled shock.
"You're— oh my god! You're ripped!"
"Thanks," he said, pleased. "I lost a lot of muscle a while back, and it's taken me a bit to regain it."
"God. I'm actually so jealous. I've always wanted to get some arm definition, but I've never known where to start."
"Well, if you ever wanted someone to introduce you to the basics of free weights, I'd be down."
"That would be amazing, but I don't have a gym membership or anything."
"The school has a weight room. If you pick the time right, you can get in when it's empty."
"Wow." Day stared at him. "That would be… perfect, honestly, I would love to learn what to do, I've always just been too embarrassed to start out with anything by myself."
Alex quirked a smile at him. "I get that. But just let me know when you're free and we can work out a schedule if you want, and then you don't have to do it alone and you don't have to start in public."
Day stared at him for such a long moment that Alex felt the beginnings of a flush work it's way up his neck, and it was only when a pink drop of ice-cream dripped onto the back of Day's hand that the other boy looked away.
"Thank you, Alex," Day said. He swiped a napkin and dabbed the drop off his hand. "That's... really considerate. I appreciate it a lot."
"No problem. You've already done so much for me, anyway. Now it's my turn."
"I really haven't done much. Just got you some Bengay—"
"You've done much more than that," he interrupted seriously, forcing eye contact. "Much more."
Because he had. He really had.
The genuine care he'd shown for Alex had filled him with such hope that he hadn't felt for life in a long long time. There were so many days that Alex drifted through because nothing seemed to matter anymore. It was like he was a spectator in his own life, watching from above as his body went through the motions of eating and sleeping and doing homework. Sometimes he would look in the mirror and it was just a strange face looking back, pale and drawn, and it would take him a moment to pull himself back in and realize Oh, that's me.
But Day seemed… well, he seemed genuinely interested in Alex, in his life, and that made Alex feel a bit more interested in his own life himself. Maybe there was more than just a daze of minutes floating through him.
And whatever happened with Day, however things ended up going, Alex would never forget the care and the patience and the interest.
Day sucked on his bottom lip and it looked as if he were choosing his words carefully. "You know," he said finally. "Whatever I've done for you, or with you, or anything— it's not because I'm wanting anything back from you. Whatever I've done is because I like you and there's no, like, expectation or anything. About, um, anything. You can always tell me no. Whenever you want."
"...I know." Alex said, somewhat confused by the insistence in Day's voice. "The things I do for you are just because I like you too, Day."
"Sure. Okay. Good— that's good."
"And that goes for you too," Alex said, thinking back on the way Day had followed him right into a sticky bathroom to watch him threaten to cripple someone during school hours. "If I ever do something you're uncomfortable with, feel free to back off, or tell me to piss off. I won't be offended."
"I would never tell you to piss off—"
"Use whatever language you like. Just… don't do something you're not comfortable with. Sometimes I can go a little… too far. With things. So."
"Okay," Day said after a small pause. "I'll let you know. And you do the same."
They sat in silence for a moment, the rain continuing to pour down outside in sheets, splattering against the windows and the roof like they were in a washing machine. The eldery man in the corner had set aside his cup and spoon and had pulled out a thick, well-thumbed copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and the girl behind the table was playing a game on her phone.
Alex finished the last of his ice-cream cone and then wiped his hands clean with a paper towel.
"This is nice," he said. "Really cozy. Although I'm sorry you're stuck here until it stops raining."
"Trust me, it's no hardship."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
He looked out the window into the rain to hide a smile, although he could still see the way Day watched his face with peculiar intent even as he popped the last bit of his own ice-cream cone into his mouth.
"We should do this again," Day said after he'd chewed and swallowed, still watching him. "Get ice-cream I mean. Or something."
The bottom of his stomach swooped, and he had to catch his breath at the tingling sensation in the tops of his thighs. He rubbed the suddenly sweaty palm of his shaking hand across his jeans. God. The damn adrenaline.
Was Day asking him out on a date? He genuinely couldn't tell. Getting ice-cream with a friend was a normal thing to do… except Day knew he liked boys. So wouldn't he be more careful to be clear about something like this? Unless he wasn't even thinking anything near what Alex was thinking- what Alex was hoping- and the idea of a date hadn't even crossed his mind. Damn it.
"I would love that," he said as calmly as possible, because despite anything else, at least that was clear to him. "Just let me know when you're free."
"Great!" Day grinned at him and leaned forward on his elbows, closing the distance between them somewhat. "Looking forward to it."
"Me too." Alex took a deep breath, the words of James and Tom squirming through his brain, and then leaned in as well. "I've been really enjoying spending time with you, Day."
Day reached over the table and tapped his bicep lightly. "Same."
And then Alex pretty much decided screw it all and reached out and casually caught Day's wrist before he could withdraw his hand.
"Hey, nice armband," he said as if just noticing it for the first time, fingers running over the stretchy fabric. "Why do you wear it?" He slipped his thumb under to test its elasticity, and lightly dug his nail into the soft skin on the inside of Day's wrist.
Day's breath hitched so minutely Alex would have thought he'd imagine it, except… except his thumb was pressed directly over Day's pulse, and there was no mistaking the abrupt jolt in his heartbeat.
… Huh. He felt his own heart skip a beat in response.
"No real reason," Day said. "I just think it looks cool."
"I agree." Alex gave Day's wrist a light squeeze before letting go. "Definitely helps bring your aesthetic together."
"Yeah? You're not put off by the piercings or anything? Some people aren't really big fans."
"No problems here. In fact, you know, I actually have a piercing too."
Day's brows shot up. "Really."
"Yeah. Just the one though. Here in this ear." He gestured and Day leaned even further across the table and into his personal space.
"Can I…?"
"Sure."
And he thought he was ready, but he still felt his face heat when Day reached up and softly brushed his hair behind his ear.
"Oh," Day murmured. "You do."
His thumb traced the shell of Alex's ear and came to a stop on his earlobe, and Alex knew that there was really no way that Day had missed the pink that had risen to the tips of his ears and high in his cheeks.
"You should wear something in it. Maybe something black." Day pulled away, letting Alex's hair fall back into place, and grinned at him.
"Well, unlike you I'm not an emo, so maybe not."
"Hey, I'm not an emo. If anything, I would say that I'm a goth, but whatever."
"The distinction there is so minute, Webster."
"Surely not minute enough for someone with the brains to speak five languages."
Alex huffed, embarrassed. "I don't speak them all, you know, fluently."
"Well the distinction there is so minute, Rider," Day mocked.
"I'm going to strangle you."
"As if you could reach my neck."
And Alex had to kick him.
Day laughed and grinned at him, and he grinned back. It felt like there was a bubble of lightness around them, an easy atmosphere that he rarely ever felt anymore. And God, it felt good.
"You know, I never pictured you with a piercing."
"Ah." He felt his smile fade slightly. "Well. It actually wasn't exactly my choice."
Day paused. "Wait. Someone forced you to pierce your ear? That's… a little odd."
"Yeah." Alex shrugged his shoulders as nonchalantly as possible. "They just wanted me to look a certain way. I couldn't say no."
"Your girlfriend?" Day hazarded hesitantly, and Alex only hesitated briefly before he shook his head.
"My old foster parents," he said. "They made me do… a lot of things I didn't want to do."
"Oh." Day stared at him. He looked horrified, although he was doing a relatively good job of hiding it. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Alex said, even though it really wasn't. "It was a while ago."
"Maybe." Day reached out and gently squeezed his arm. "Still sucks though. If you ever want to talk about, you know, anything that happened, I'm always available. Always."
"Thanks," he said quietly. And his first, immediate thought was that no way would he ever get into it all with Day, because the things that had happened to him were horrible and terrible and they made him so dirty. He was just so gross now, and so deeply deeply ashamed of his actions. He could never talk about any of it with Day; what would Day think of him?
But his second thought was: maybe.
Day had seemed horrified by what Alex told him, but he'd also put that aside for Alex's comfort. He'd watched Alex do something truly nasty to someone else, and he'd seemed to get through that just fine as well.
Maybe... maybe Day could handle it.
And maybe Day could handle it, but then, maybe he shouldn't have to, so Alex would need to take some time to think things through.
"Thanks. I really appreciate it."
"Of course." Day kept his hand on his arm for a moment more, before retracting it.
"Sorry for ruining the mood."
"You didn't. And even if you did, you shouldn't worry about that. If you want to tell me something, you can just go ahead."
"And if I don't want to?"
"Then you don't have to," Day said easily. "It's whatever you want. Really."
And Alex actually believed him.
The rain had just lessened to a drizzle when Alex's phone buzzed in his pocket.
He fished it out of his pocket and immediately frowned.
"Sorry, I have to take this. Give me a minute?"
Day, who had been in the middle of telling a story about the time he had accidentally stolen 12 euros from a laundromat, nodded and leaned back in his seat to wait. Alex tilted his body away to give a facsimile of privacy, and answered the phone.
"...Hello?"
There was near silence on the other end, the only sound scratching through the phone line a soft, ragged breathing. His heartbeat immediately jolted and his fist clenched the edge of the table.
"Hello? Alil? Are you there?"
"Alex." The voice was quiet and ragged. Alil sounded, for lack of a better word, awful.
"What's wrong?"
"Wrong? Nothing's wrong…" There was a heavy pause. Alex forced himself to calm down, even though this was weird. This was very weird. Alil had never called him before, not once. "I just… wanted to know when you were getting back, 's'all."
He swallowed the question Why? because Day was right there, and this wasn't the time to get into it. So instead he frowned, and replied, "I'll be back in less than an hour. Don't…"
And then it all clicked in his head because oh fuck, how had he forgotten? What today was for Alil? What tomorrow was? Oh hell.
Don't leave the house, he wanted to say.
Don't do anything stupid.
Don't touch the gun you have hidden under the couch, god please don't touch the gun.
"...Don't worry."
Alil scoffed over the line. "Worry? What, 'bout you? 'M'not, I just— want to know where you are, but excuse me for asking, because tha's got to mean I'm worried—"
"Okay," Alex interrupted, face heating. "Fine, I get it—"
But Alil bulldozed on and Alex suddenly realized that his voice was slurred—
"As if I would ever be worried about you— you're jus' some kid! Some stupid kid, you're not my brother or an'thin', as if I would ever— I would ever—"
There was a faint swishing noise over the phone that Alex couldn't quite place, and Alil's diatribe faded out for a moment, as if he had taken the phone away from his ear. He faded back in a moment later.
"Just a stupid little question, but 's'not like I care, this is just a stupid job, and I—" CRASH! There came an abrupt, loud explosion of noise, and Alil let out a shout of surprise.
"Alil," Alex said sharply, but as soon as the words left his mouth, the line had clicked dead with a small beep beep. "Fuck."
"Alex?" Day asked warily. He was watching him, clear concern on his face, and Alex forced himself to wrestle his own expression into something resembling calm. "Was that… Was that your guardian?"
"Yes. Sorry. He's a little… intoxicated, I think. I should probably head back and check on him."
"Okay," Day said slowly. He opened his mouth like he wanted to ask something else, but Alex firmed his jaw and gave him a steady look, and he seemed to change his mind.
They both hopped down from their chairs silently and gathered up their bags. Day was casting Alex a worried look out of the corner of his eyes, and Alex ignored it, pretending not to see. They wiped down their table and then threw their napkins away.
"I'm sorry for the abrupt ending to the hangout," Alex said. "But… I've had a really great time with you Day. Thank you. A lot."
"I've had a great time with you too." Now Day was blatantly searching his face, a worried frown creasing between his brows, at odds with his words. "Alex… Is everything all right?"
"Yeah. Sure. Look, Day, like I said, Alil was just a little tipsy, I think he might have fallen and hurt himself. Today is…" He chewed on his bottom lip, and then admitted, "Today is kind of a really bad anniversary for him which I forgot about. It's fine. Really."
"I mean… If you're sure. Maybe I could- go with you?"
"No," Alex said abruptly, taking a small step back. "No, Day, that's not necessary. Thank you, but no."
And Day seemed to realize that he had just overstepped, because he bit his lip and didn't press the matter, just said, "Okay. But maybe… text me when you get home? Please?"
Alex gave a half-smile. "You don't need to worry about me, Day."
"Maybe. But I do."
Alex was somewhere between furious and panicked when he burst through his front door. As soon as he was out of Day's sight, he'd started running. He'd never made it back to his house so fast before.
"Alil!" He stuck his head into the living room. No one. Just the broken glass from the day before and a bowl of soggy, half-eaten cereal. "Alil!" He scrambled to the kitchen, and he wasn't there either, what the hell?! "Where are you?" He stood for a moment, heart pounding in his ears, breath coming out in short puffs.
"Alil!"
The only response was his own harsh gasps and that stupid little humming in the walls. It was only after tearing through the entire upstairs that he thought to check the backyard.
He slammed the sliding glass door open with an anger born of fear, and almost stumbled over the lawn chair which lay smashed on the patio. Alil was sitting on the ground next to it, eyes glazed. "Alex." He stared up at Alex, tears gathering on his lashes. There was a puddle of vomit splattered next to him.
"Alil. What the hell is going on here!" Alex kicked aside part of the broken lawn chair, sending it clattering across the concrete, and stomped over to stand over Alil, hands clenching. "I thought you were dead or something! What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Not dead, obviously." Alil laughed, and the sound was loose, unhinged, and he waved a hand at their surroundings. "Broke your stupid chair though. Sorry. I don't even remember doing it. I was kind of in a hurry—"
"I don't give a shit about the chair," Alex cut in, struggling to control his temper. "Just- what's going on? You called me and I thought- you selfish prat- just what were you thinking?"
Alil stared at him, looking taken aback by his rage, and it was then that Alex noticed he was shaking. God. He took a deep breath, and tried to swallow down the tight feeling in his chest. His stomach felt like it was full of worms, or snakes, or something, writhing and squirming, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop the damn shaking.
"Fuck." Alil sniffed, sounding absolutely pathetic. "Why are you so upset? I just— I was just asking where you were, wasn't I? You're never back so late and I thought something had happened to you—"
"That's such bullshit, Espinoza, and you know it," Alex snapped. "Don't make this about me. You're the one who had a bloody breakdown and called me when I was out with a friend— and you never do that! I thought- damn it- I thought we understood each other! I was—"
He cut himself off abruptly, fists clenching so tightly that he thought he felt his nails bite through flesh. His bruised knuckles were throbbing. He'd been scared. Fuck. He didn't want to admit it, and he shoved the thought ruthlessly down into the dark hole in his chest because what the fuck. He was trying to get past this.
"I just called you," Alil said. He sounded resentful, and bewildered, and when he pushed himself to his feet, he wobbled. "What the hell is the matter with you? I'm sorry for breaking your stupid chair, I'll fucking replace it or whatever, but you're being- you're being weird, okay? It was just a phone call—"
"There's nothing the matter with me," Alex practically snarled, taking a step closer to Alil. "You're the one causing all the problems! This is all your fault—!"
"Jesus Christ, are you serious? I called you to see when you were getting back, how is that at all a problem?" Alil was staring at him disbelievingly, his eyes still glassy with unshed tears. "You're just so- so spoiled. Blaming people, saying things are my fault. Well, you're the one overreacting here!"
It felt like a slap to the face. He'd sprinted back to his apartment, heart in his threat, terror in his lungs, because- because-
Because he could still taste blood in his mouth, he could still see the chunks of flesh sprayed across the pier, the corpse hitting the wood with a dull thud, and he hadn't been a good man, not good at all, but he'd been good to Alex, and it was all his fault, and he couldn't, he couldn't he couldn't hecouldn'thecouldn'thecouldn't—
"I know what today is," he said tightly, suffocating his terror with hatred. "So don't tell me shit about blame."
Alil stilled.
Alex smiled coldly. "Yeah. I know all about your dirty little secrets, Alil. I know everything. You think I don't because you don't know shit about me, but that doesn't mean I don't know shit about you."
Alil's voice was quiet, controlled, when he spoke. "You have no idea what you're talking about." It was a far cry from the emotional mess it had been mere moments before, and Alex felt a prickle of anxiety in his stomach. He ignored it with staunch determination.
"Yeah, you've said that. Just another way you're totally and completely wrong about everything that matters, huh?"
Alil flinched like he'd been struck, and yeah, that had been probably the lowest of blows Alex could manage, and he felt that same old guilt rise in his like the tide. He swallowed it down and glared harder at Alil, whose face was empty, eyes blank.
"Just always wrong. Wrong about me, wrong about your job, wrong about your brother—"
Alil vomited on the patio, curling over himself, arms wrapping around his midriff. Alex's own gut roiled with guiltguiltguilt because God he was a piece of shit wasn't he? Bringing that up? Today? He was disgusting, Jesus Christ.
"Just- fuck." He grit his teeth and turned away, ignoring the violent sounds of retching. "I can't... Fuck." He stomped back inside, tears prickling his eyes.
He really was just horrific. Cruel. Why did he have to take things too far? Always, constantly, he hurt people, and he did it purposefully. Jesus fucking Christ. Why couldn't he stop himself? He was a cancer. A tumour, that spread and infected everything and everyone in his life with blackness and sickness and filth. He wasn't right anymore, not after everything, and the only thing he put into the world was cruelty. He'd gotten a hint of it, first with Ava Scott, his initial guardian after the Pleasures, that things weren't quite right inside his body. He'd been so vicious, so vile… And then Jerred, and then Monika, and then after Cornelio, he had known. He'd been certain. He was fucked up, an absolute piece of shit, and he was broken in ways that could never be fixed.
And he'd been trying, he'd been trying so hard to be better, but God, he was just delusional if he thought he could smother the creature inside of him. It was dark and cruel and it was unkillable.
How could he even think about bringing his shit around Day? Telling him? Letting him know. It would be wrong, it was wrong, and he wanted to badly to get close to Day, but he'd been right, eating that stupid dinner with Jerry and Tom: he couldn't bring his shit into Day's life. He was a disease, a danger to be around, and not only would it be wrong to put that onto Day, he knew what the outcome would be if he did. Rejection. And rightful rejection too, because who could deal with Alex's fucked up behaviour? He was terrible. God.
He stomped up the stairs to his room and slammed the door behind him, and then threw himself onto his bed, buried his face into a pillow and screamed.
A/N: Hi guys! Sorry for taking so long to get this one out! The next chapter or two will actually contain the content which I literally wrote this entire story to get to lol, so I'm suuuuper excited to continue writing! The entire implosion of Alex's life should hopefully take place in the next chapter, so keep an eye out for it lol, the boy's about to go through some stuff.
LoveRider, thank you for your review! I see you commenting and I appreciate it. :)
Op-fan98, thank you for your review! You were the reason I realized that oh lol yeah, most teenage boys AREN'T super into physical contact, definitely some stuff should be read into all that lol. Tried to work that in this chapter! Thanks for pointing it out. Also yeah, Day does like him lol! They'll sort things out eventually, I plan for this story to have a happy ending because Alex deserves nice things haha.
Lydia2210, thank you! There's going to be quite a few more painfully awkward moments coming up too lol
otterpineapple06, omggg, thank you so much! This was such a wonderful comment to receive and I literally think I teared up a little! :') I am glad you like Day and Alex together! They will get there, it will just take a liiiittle bit more pain lol
Guest, thank you! I am so pleased you are liking it!
Night Riders, thank you so much! Day will remain a pretty level-headed person (because I want Alex to have a calm and patient person in his life lol he really deserves it), but I have some plans for the future that involve a jealous Day, so keep an eye out lol! I have nothing smutty/porn-related planned, but if I ever do include anything I will DEFINITELY include a warning! For now it's just his friends messing with him though lol. Things with Alil are heating up, and I'm planning on taking things with Alil in a couple of directions! The next chapter or two should hopefully clear the air a bit more on what's going on with him!
Lilybud, lol, yeah, Alil is going through some things. Stay tuned for much more Alil in the next chapter! Thank you for the review!
The last four Guests who reviewed, thank you all so much! You have no idea how motivating it is to receive such nice comments! Every time I see a 'please update soon' or anything like that I immediately go 'okay yeah, I gotta keep writing, time to eschew all responsibility and at least try a little more'. Not super helpful for real life lol but very helpful here! Anyway, thank you again so much!