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"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 3

"Oh no oh no oh no!" the Luke actress was shouting as she ran back and forth across the stage. "What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do, Owen and Beru are gonna kill me, what am I gonna DO?"

Lando burst out laughing. "Oh Luke, this lady nails you!"

"How do you know?" the real Luke grumbled. "You weren't even THERE – unless the play's gonna change that too."

"Well you've told me quite a bit when we all go out drinking," Lando said in a sly voice.

"What?"

"Before you pass out, of course."

Meanwhile, an actor in a Tusken Raider robe came rushing onto the stage, screaming with his club held over his head, and the Luke actress practically ran straight into the club and collapsed in a dead faint.

"I put up more of a fight than that!" exclaimed the real Luke.

"Are you gonna complain for the whole thing?" asked Lando. "C'mon, it's just a play, lighten up."

"RRRRWWWAAAAAARRRRRGGGH!"

Everyone in the box jumped at the noise projected around the theater (except for the droids, who were of course unable to jump) and the Tusken Raider actor rushed offstage as another hooded figure stormed onstage.

"Who am I?" the figure announced as he took off his hood, revealing his wrinkled face and white beard that looked like it was glued onto his chin. "Well I'm certainly not a Jedi, if that's what you're wondering. No no, I'm DEFINITELY not a Jedi! I'm just a regular old hermit." He looked down at the Luke actress. "Well well, what have we here? It looks like Luke got into trouble with the Sandpeople again."

"BEEP!" shouted the R2 actor from offstage.

"Come on out, R2," called the Obi-Wan actor, after which the R2 actor tiptoed onto the stage, looking like he was about to topple over in his bulky costume. "Yes R2, of course I remember you," said the Obi-Wan actor. "You think I would forget Anakin's astro droid? However, we're not gonna tell Luke that you used to belong to his dad, okay? In fact, I'm gonna act like I don't know you at all – he might start asking some awkward questions otherwise."

With that, the Luke actress opened her eyes and sat up, clutching her head. "Owww, my head . . . oh hey Ben, what are you doing here?"

"Saving your life," said the Obi-Wan actor. "But never mind that, what are you doing here?"

"Being an idiot," the real Luke muttered.

The Luke actress pushed herself to her feet, jumping a bit as she did so. "Well, my uncle's new droid ran away just because I took of his retraining bolt but I only did it because he asked me too so he could show me the whole message!"

The Obi-Wan actor put his hands on the Luke actress's shoulders. "Calm down, young one. I'm old and wise, so you should listen to me. Now what message are you talking about?"

"Beep beep beep!" shouted the R2 actor.

"Oh I see," said the Obi-Wan actor, "it's a message for me."

"What? No way!" shouted the Luke actress. "It's for a guy named Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

"Yeah, and that's ME!" said the Obi-Wan actor.

"What? You're telling me you LIED about your name? Why doesn't anyone trust me?"

"Maybe because you need to grow up . . ."

The Luke actress stomped her feet as if about to throw a tantrum. "WHY does everyone say I need to grow up? I AM grown up and I'll prove it to ALL of you!"

The Obi-Wan actor sighed, digging his fingers into his forehead. "You are clearly immature and irresponsible, but I know the solution to that!" He dug into his pocket and pulled out what was clearly a toy lightsaber. "Giving you a dangerous weapon, of course!"

"Oooooh!" the Luke actress exclaimed. "What is that? Whatever it is, I want it!"

"I'm really losing patience with this actress," the real Luke grumbled.

The Obi-Wan actor dangled the toy lightsaber in front of the Luke actress like a toy in front of a pet. "This is your father's lightsaber. He wanted you to have it when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. Oh, by the way, if you hear any stories about me stealing it after cutting off your dad's legs, don't believe them, they're totally not true, I would NEVER do a thing like that!" He giggled nervously as he handed the Luke actress the toy and she immediately activated it, shooting out the bright blue blade.

"Wow, this is so COOL!" the Luke actress screamed. "My lame aunt and uncle never give me presents as cool as this one – I think I already like you much better than them!"

"Oh my goodness," said the real 3PO in the audience, "this actress playing Master Luke is making him look quite heartless."

The real R2 beeped.

"Well yes, R2, I know he didn't discuss his aunt and uncle much, but that does not mean he did not care for them. Honestly R2, why do you assume so much about our dear Master Luke?"

Meanwhile, the Obi-Wan actor had activated the R2 actor's message and the Leia actress's hologram once more appeared, making the real Leia groan.

"Oh General Kenobi," the Leia actress hologram wailed through sniffles, "things are just AWFUL! My ship's been attacked and I'm about to be captured and I'M SO SCARED! I put the Death Star plans in this R2 unit and you've GOT to get them to my father!" She sobbed dramatically. "HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOOOPPPPEEEE! WAAAAAHHHH!"

"Does this version of me do ANYTHING besides cry?" the real Leia exclaimed.

"Doesn't look like it," said Han.

Meanwhile the Obi-Wan actor was running his fingers over his fake beard, moving it slightly and making it even more obviously fake than it was before. "Hmm," he said, "it looks like young Luke is attracted to the princess. Any responsible person would probably immediately tell him why it's not a good idea to think romantically about her, but eh, I'm not gonna say anything. This could get real interesting."

"What was that, Ben?" the Luke actress asked, staring at the spot where the hologram had been with a rather creepy grin on her face.

"Oh, nothing," said the Obi-Wan actor. "Now where was I? Oh yes, you should come with me to Alderaan."

"Go with you to Alderaan?" the Luke actress asked in a small voice that sounded like a squeak. "You mean, go on an adventure? Oh Ben, I'd LOVE to . . . but my lame aunt and uncle would never let me . . . speaking of which, I'd better get home to my lame life on Planet Lame."

"Yeeeaaah," said the Obi-Wan actor, "about that . . . I think I just sensed something happening at your farm – you might want to go check it out."

"What?" the Luke actress exclaimed, then smoke suddenly started blowing from just offstage, making a cloud so thick that the audience couldn't see through it.

"Oh NO!" the Luke actress screamed. "Stormtroopers . . . they burned the farm . . . Owen and Beru are dead . . . everything's gone . . . this is horrible . . . wait a minute. They're gone! My lame aunt and uncle are GONE, this means I can FINALLY go on an adventure!" She leapt up into the air. "WOOHOO! This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me!"

In the audience, the real Luke's eyes bulged in exasperation.