AN: Thanks for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 4
Han wouldn't admit it, but he was starting to get a little nervous about how this play would portray him. Between Leia being a coward and Luke being a crazy whiner, he didn't know if he really wanted to know what was in store when his own actor showed up. Still, walking out now would be cowardly, and besides, this was his idea in the first place – if he walked out now the others would never let him live it down.
Onstage, the Obi-Wan actor was hugging the Luke actress. "There was absolutely nothing you could have done, Luke," the actor said. "Nothing, nothing, nothing, so don't feel guilty at all."
"Oh I'm not," said the Luke actress. "Now that they're dead and I have nothing left here, I want to go to Alderaan like you and become a Jedi just like my dad. Hey by the way, how did my dad die? My uncle said he died in a totally lame way, but I'm sure that's not true given how lame my uncle was and all."
"Well, yes, he totally lied to you," said the Obi-Wan actor, "and I most definitely didn't tell him and your aunt not to tell you anything about your father, so don't go blaming me for their lameness!"
The Luke actress looked like she was drawing circles on the stage with her shoe. "So how DID he die? Tell me the REAL truth now, cause if you lie I'll never forgive you!"
"Okay," said the Obi-Wan actor, "the REAL truth . . ." His voice lowered to a mutter. ". . . from a certain point of view . . ." He raised his voice back to normal volume. ". . . is that your father was betrayed and murdered by an evil Sith Lord named Darth Vader. There it is, that's the absolute complete one hundred percent truth . . ." His voice lowered to a mutter again. ". . . from a certain point of view."
"Wow . . ." said the Luke actress, looking like a child who had just found out where babies come from. "Well you know what, when I'm a Jedi, if I ever see this Darth Vader I'm gonna avenge my father!"
"Good, good," said the Obi-Wan actor. "You do that. But for now, we have to find a pilot to take us to Alderaan, so let's go look in the nastiest, seediest cantina on the planet – I'm SURE we'll find someone trustworthy there! What better place to find someone who's completely trustworthy?"
"Oh BOY!" said Lando. "Now we get to see how they do Han!"
Han growled. "Lando, I think you're enjoyin' this a bit too much."
Lando snickered. "C'mon Han, savor this. It's the last few moments of your life before you find out what this play will do to you."
Meanwhile a bunch of stagehands in full view of the audience were setting up tables, chairs, and a bar while the Luke, Obi-Wan, and droids actors seemed to be pretending not to notice them. Han couldn't say he was an expert at theater techniques, but he thought there had to be a way to change the scenery that didn't look so . . . obvious.
"Oh look!" exclaimed the Luke actress once the scenery was set up. "The MOS EISLEY CANTINA! My lame aunt and uncle never let me come to a place like this."
"Master Luke," said the 3PO actor, "might I ask why you use the word lame so much?"
"Cause it describes my life," said the Luke actress, running her hand through her hair. "Or it did up until now when I FINALLY get to go on an adventure!"
The Obi-Wan actor again adjusted his fake beard and drew attention to the fact that it was fake. "Gee, you're sure taking your guardians having just died well, but I guess that's not going to concern me. But anyway, this is a WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY, meaning once again that it's the perfect spot to find someone trustworthy, so let's get going."
During their conversation, several human actors had come onstage dressed up as various different species, causing Chewie to growl that this acting company seemed to be prejudiced against nonhumans.
"Well . . ." Han quickly tried to come up with an excuse, "maybe only humans auditioned? I mean, maybe there are more humans into theater in general, I dunno."
[It's still offensive,] growled Chewie. [Some Wookiees would pull a human's arms off for trying to impersonate one of us.]
"Okay, okay, you can talk to the director after the play, but for now let's just . . . see how they portray us." Han got a bad taste in his mouth just saying that.
"HEY, NO DROIDS!" the bartender actor shouted. "We don't serve their kind! We serve every other kind, but not droids."
"Well, I don't think droids can even drink," said the Luke actress, "so that's kind of a pointless rule. What's your beef with droids anyway? What did they ever do to you?"
Before the bartender could answer, the two thugs ganged up on the Luke actress in much the same manner that they had in real life and for once the real Luke didn't seem to have anything to complain about. However, then the Obi-Wan actor spoke the words Han had been secretly dreading.
"Chewbacca here is first mate on the ship that might suit us."
With that, a tall human with shaggy brown hair glued all over him strode onto the stage. "Rrraaaawwwwr!" he shouted, causing the real Chewie to growl in anger and Han's eyes to bulge.
"What's wrong?" asked the real Luke.
"That Chewie actor just said somethin' rather . . . rude," said Han.
"Raaarruuugh!" the Chewie actor continued.
"Gah!" exclaimed Han. "That was even ruder!"
"Rooorrrraaaarrrwwwll!" the Chewie actor kept on.
Han's eyes bulged to their physical limit. "That was somethin' you only hear in the lowest, dirtiest conversations."
"Raaaawwwwurrrrrr!" the Chewie actor finished.
Han and Chewie both leapt to their feet. "That's it!" shouted Han. "I'm outta here! Believe it or not, I do have standards!"
But before either could leave, Leia pulled Han back down and Lando pulled Chewie back down. "Oh no you don't," said Leia. "If we have to suffer through this, so do you."
Han grumbled to himself as he sat back down, folding his arms as an actor dressed in his favorite white shirt/black vest outfit came onstage and flopped down at one of the tables. The actor's hair was so messy that it was sticking out in all directions and drooping down into his eyes, and he held a large bottle in one hand.
"Han Solo," the actor said in a deep voices as the other actors sat at his table. "I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon, now feel free to bask in the glory of me and my ship while I take a drink." With that, he started glugging from his bottle for what might have been a full minute before giving a satisfied belch. "Hey, how come you ain't basking in my glory?"
"Sorry," said the Luke actress, "what ship are you the captain of again?"
"The MILLENNIUM FALCON!" the Han actor shouted. "C'mon, everyone's heard of the Millennium Falcon! The ship that made the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs?"
"Really?" said the Obi-Wan actor. "You DO know a parsec is a unit of DISTANCE, not time, right?"
"What?" the real Han exclaimed as the actor Han looked like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "People're still goin' on about THAT? Doesn't everyone know by now that part of the Falcon's speed comes from its navigation skill?"
The real Chewie roared at him to quiet down.
"Well if you don't even know the difference between distance and time," said the Luke actress, "then why should we trust you to fly us across the galaxy?"
"You wanna trust someone else?" the real Han retorted as he took another swig from his bottle. "Like those two guys who attacked you? I've got the fastest ship in the ENTIRE galaxy and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong." He took another long, long gulp from the bottle and belched again. "So for the little tiny price of ten thousand credits in advance, I can get you guys to Alderaan without the Empire catchin' us."
"Ten THOUSAND credits?" the Luke actress shouted. "For that much we could buy our OWN ship, so why should we listen to you?"
The Han actor gluged more from his bottle and hiccupped. "Yeah, well who's gonna fly it? You? I don't think so!"
"Of COURSE I could fly it!" The Luke actress banged her fist on the table. "I'm a great pilot and my dad was a Jedi! You know what, you can take your ten thousand credits and your fastest ship in the galaxy and stick them up your . . ."
The Obi-Wan actor put his hand over the Luke actress's mouth. "Two thousand credits now and then fifteen when we get to Alderaan, how does that sound?"
"Wow . . . SEVENTEEN THOUSAND CREDITS?" the Han actor shouted.
"Ben, are you crazy?" exclaimed the Luke actress.
"No," said the Obi-Wan actor, leaning over to the Luke actress, "two thousand now and then an extra fifteen credits when we get to Alderaan, but Mister I Don't Know Distance From Time doesn't need to know that."
"You guys got yourselves a ship," said the Han actor, puffing out his chest as he took yet another drink. "I'd do ANYTHING for seventeen thousand credits, so meet me at Docking Bay 94 and we'll get going."
"All right, Docking Bay 94," said the Obi-Wan actor as he and the Luke actress rose from their seats and exited the stage.
"WOW!" the Han actor yelled after the Obi-Wan and Luke actors were gone. "Seventeen THOUSAND credits! Chewie, this is our lucky day – we're gonna pay off Jabba and be RICH RICH RICH! C'mon, let's go get the ship ready for those suckers!"
He leapt out of his seat, dancing around the stage while still drinking from the bottle when a human actor with his face painted green jumped in front of him, pulling a blaster on him.
"Oh, Greedo!" exclaimed the Han actor, throwing his hands in the air and dropping his bottle. "Funny running into you – I was just gonna go see your boss!"
The Greedo actor spoke in a gibberish that was definitely not Huttese.
"Come on Greedo, we're all friends!" the Han actor stuttered. "I just made a deal that'll get me a big pile of money and . . . oh hey, what's this?" With that, the Han actor drew his blaster and shot Greedo, who fell over in a way-too-dramatic manner.
"Ha!" shouted the Han actor. "I SHOT FIRST! Did ya hear that, everyone? I SHOT FIRST! Let it be known to everyone that I SHOT FIRST! Make no mistake, I SHOT FIRST!"
"What's he makin' such a big deal about?" the real Han exclaimed.
"Don't know," said Leia.
"It's like this guy thinks his entire reputation rests on shootin' first – talk about insecure!"
"Did you shoot first?" asked Leia.
"Actually . . . I don't remember."