AN: Thanks for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 5
After the cantina furniture was taken away, a bunch of stormtrooper-dressed actors chased the hero actors around the stage for a few minutes before the Han actor shouted, "C'mon, we gotta take off!" and they all ran offstage as a recording of a ship taking off played over the speakers.
"What?" the real Han shouted. "We don't even get to SEE the Falcon?"
"Well, what would you expect?" Lando asked with a shrug. "You've only got so much room on a stage."
"Oh great," Leia groaned. "Here she comes."
Sure enough, the Leia actress was being dragged onstage by two stormtrooper actors. Now there were big dark lines running down her face from her eyes, as if she had been crying out her makeup.
"WELL, Your Highness," the Vader actor shouted as he stormed onstage, "you've resisted the torture droid, so we need to try further matters."
"What more could you possibly DO to me?" wailed the Leia actress. "You're so HORRIBLE the way you torture people!"
"Yes we are," said another actor dressed in an Imperial Grand Moff costume as he too strode onstage. "That's the whole point – we're an EVIL EMPIRE, and we couldn't very well be an EVIL EMPIRE if we didn't do evil things!"
"Oh, Grand Moff Tarkin!" exclaimed the Leia actress. "So THAT'S why this place stinks so bad! I mean, seriously, when was the last time you bathed? Do you even use deodorant?"
The Tarkin actor smirked. "Do you think talking about my smell is going to win you any friends, princess? Do you think it will help your planet?"
"What do you mean, help my planet?"
"Why, the planet we're about to destroy, of course!" the Tarkin actor declared, rubbing his hands together in a maniacal manner. "Mwahahahaha, it'll be WONDERFUL, all those innocent people dying, I can't wait!"
"NOOOOO!" screamed the Leia actress. "You CAN'T DO THAT!"
"Oh yes I can!" snapped the Tarkin actor. "And I will! Buuuutttt, I might be persuaded to change my mind if . . . say . . . you tell us where the Rebel Base is?"
"NEVER!" screamed the Leia actress, her voice hurting the real Leia's ears.
"Fine," said the Tarkin actor, "then we'll destroy your planet. Hope you said goodbye to dear old Mom and Dad."
The Leia actress gave a loud sob. "No, WAIT, I'll tell you! They're on Dantooine, go destroy that planet instead!"
The Tarkin actor rubbed his hands together again. "WOOHOO! Now we have TWO planets to destroy instead of one!"
"WHAT?" the Leia actor screamed.
The Tarkin actor cackled. "Poor poor gullible princess, you didn't REALLY think we'd spare your planet, did you? If we didn't destroy Alderaan I wouldn't get to have fun killing all those innocent people! Now LET'S BLOW THIS PLANET UP! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"WHAT?" the Lea actor screamed yet again. "HOW HORRIBLE CAN YOU BE?"
"Like, I said evil empire," said Tarkin.
There was a loud BOOM over the speakers as the stage briefly went dark, then it relit to show the Luke actress holding up the lightsaber toy and the Obi-Wan actor gripping his head.
"What's wrong, Ben?" the Luke actress asked in her obnoxiously high voice.
"Oooh," moaned the Obi-Wan actor, "I just felt a disturbance in the Force, like millions of people suddenly cried out in terror before they were obliterated . . . but oh well, can't help them now. Keep practicing that lightsaber."
"Is everyone in this play completely heartless?" the real Luke muttered as the Han actor strode onstage in a wobbly manner, still clutching his bottle.
"Hey everyone," said the Han actor, "Han Solo's IN THE HOUSE!" He hiccupped loudly. "So BASK IN THE GLORY of the guy who got you away from the Imperials!"
"Yeah yeah, that's nice," said the Luke actress, "now let me play with my way cool lightsaber."
Lando snickered through his nose at that line, but everyone else ignored him.
"Oh come ON!" The Han actor hiccupped again. "I saved all your butts and you just ignore me?" He immediately took another long swig from the bottle. "Ya know, if you guys weren't payin' me seventeen thousand credits, I'd dump you off my ship right now!"
"Hey, that's not nice!" the Luke actress exclaimed.
"Luke, calm down," said the Obi-Wan actor. "You need to practice feeling the Force. The Force flows through you, all the way through your body and down into your lightsaber."
Lando snickered again.
"Oh come ON!" the Han actor shouted. "You guys really believe all that Force crap?"
The Luke actress's eyes bulged as if the Han actor had insulted her mother. "How can you POSSIBLY not believe in the Force? Sure, I knew nothing about the Force before yesterday, but now I TOTALLY BELIEVE IN IT AND I'M NOT GONNA LET ANYONE INSULT IT!"
"Bravo!" The Obi-Wan actor was clapping now, glancing at the audience as if he expected them to start clapping too. "Anyway, since you've had five whole minutes of lightsaber practice, I think it's time for you to move to the next level." A stagehand rushed onstage and handed the Obi-Wan actor a blast shield helmet, which the Obi-Wan actor placed on the Luke actress's head.
"But how am I supposed to do anything if I can't SEE?" the Luke actress whined.
"Simple!" said the Obi-Wan actor. "You simply use the FORCE! Now why don't you start off by going after the one who just insulted the Force?"
"What?" the Han actor exclaimed.
"Okay!" shouted the Luke actress, raising the lightsaber over her head. "Han, you're going DOWN! YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" With that, she went chasing after the Han actor, who went running around the stage, still clutching his bottle.
"C'mon kid!" the Han actor screamed. "Don't do this, I just drank a whole lot and that ain't good for runnin' . . . if you stop I'll let you have some . . . HEEEEELLLLPPP!"
The audience had burst into laughter, with the small exception being the box in which the supposed inspirations for the play sat, the small exception for that box being Lando, who was chortling along with the rest of the audience.
"Wait! Wait!" the Han actor finally screamed in an out-of-breath voice. "We're comin' in on Alderaan, see! You can chase me later, but right now we've gotta get your droids there or whatever!" He belched loudly. "Meanwhile, I need a drink."
The real Han folded his arms in a sulky manner. "So this director thinks I'm some kinda drunken buffoon? I'm gonna have some choice words after this thing's over."
Meanwhile, the Luke actress had taken off the helmet and was staring offstage as if confused. "Wait a minute, you said we were coming in on Alderaan!"
"Yeah," said the Han actor.
"So WHERE is Alderaan?"
The Han actor looked back and forth as if confused. "Huh, it's not here. Maybe I need to drink some more." He took still another swig from his bottle. "Hmm, nope, still not there, better drink even more." Now he took a long gulp from the bottle. "Nope, still not there, weird."
"Doesn't that thing ever empty?" the real Han groaned.
"You IDIOT!" the Luke actress shouted. "You took us to the wrong place! You probably don't even know where Alderaan IS, do you? I KNEW we shouldn't have let you take us!"
"Wait, calm down," said the Obi-Wan actor, striding towards them with his hands spread out. "He didn't take us to the wrong place – Alderaan is GONE. The Empire destroyed the entire planet!"
"Wow," said the Luke actress, "an entire planet destroyed . . . millions of people dead . . . oh well, what do we do now?"
Suddenly, all the actors slid to the floor as a loud BOOM sounded through the speakers.
"What the hell was THAT?" the Han actor screamed. "I ain't THAT drunk!"
"Oh, I should have known this would happen," the Obi-Wan actor said, though he didn't seem the least bit surprised. "It appears that we are being pulled into a tractor beam."
"And how the hell can THAT happen?" the Han actor exclaimed between gulps from the bottle. "There's nothin' here except that small moon over there."
"Oh really?" the Obi-Wan actor said with a smirk. "Well I'll have you know that's no moon. It's a . . . SPACE STATION!"