"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 6
Of course the play didn't actually show the Falcon getting captured – the actors merely exited the stage as the lights dimmed. "Why can't these guys actually show the action?" the real Han muttered.
Leia shrugged. "Well personally I'd rather not see Alderaan blow up again."
"Okay, not that," said Han, "but what about all the battles and flyin' and stuff? Surely audiences would want to see those, so why doesn't this theater try harder to give 'em some excitement?"
"Shh," said Luke as the lights came back on, revealing the Vader actor talking to a stormtrooper.
"This ship looks exactly like the one that blasted out of Tatooine, you know, the one that looked like a big pile of junk," said the stormtrooper, "but there doesn't seem to be anyone on it. The log that the drunken captain somehow keeps says that everyone abandoned ship, so they must be out floating in the vast vacuum of space."
"And you BELIEVE that?" asked the Vader actor.
The stormtrooper actor shrugged. "Well sure, I don't see any holes in that story whatsoever."
The Vader actor slapped himself in the mask. "Why do I keep you guys around? I oughta . . . wait. I sense something. The last time I sensed that was when I got my limbs cut off and my old master left me to burn – LITERALLY left me to burn!"
"Gee," said the stormtrooper, "that sucks."
"You're darn RIGHT it sucks! I mean, all I did was turn to the dark side and murder kids and stuff. Anyway, I want the WHOLE ship checked, which includes checking the floors for any hidden compartments, got that?"
"Yes sir!" said the stormtooper actor before they both exited.
Lando was grinning maniacally as the Luke, Han, Chewie, Obi-Wan, and droid actors snuck onto the stage right behind the Vader actor. "Oh boy, this should be good."
"Ya know, the only reason you're enjoyin' this is cause you ain't in it yet," said the real Han.
"Shh," said Lando. "You don't wanna miss the brilliant dialogue, do you?"
Meanwhile, the Luke actress was looking around with wide eyes. "Wow, I didn't know you could make space stations this big! What do you think this place does?"
"Well obviously it captures ships like mine," said the Han actor, forever still drinking from that bottle and swaying side to side as he did so. "Now if we're gonna get outta here . . . we're gonna have to . . ." He hiccupped. ". . . disable that tracor . . .trater . . .TRACTOR beam!"
"Beep!" said the R2 actor.
"Oh good!" exclaimed the 3PO actor. "R2 says he knows how to disable the tractor beam! All you have to do is climb onto this teeny tiny ledge hundreds of feet in the air and pull these levers to disable it without falling off. Sounds easy enough."
"Hmmm," said the Obi-Wan actor, again adjusting his fake beard, "since I'm the old man, I think I should be the one to do that. The rest of you can . . . I don't know, sit here for a while."
"Good!" the Han actor exclaimed as he slumped into a chair that a stagehand had just shoved onto the stage. "It's been almost two minutes since my last drink!"
"But Beeeennn," whined the Luke actress, "I don't wanna just sit here – this is supposed to be an adventure!"
The Obi-Wan actor put his hands on his hips, slightly shaking his head. "Luke, someone has to watch over the droids so we can safely get them to the Rebellion."
"Well how are we supposed to do that?" shouted the Luke actress. "It's not like we know where the Rebel Base is and Alderaan's been blown up, so we can't just go over there and ask!"
"Oh, I wouldn't give up hope," said the Obi-Wan actor. "Who knows, there just might be a prisoner on this very space station with all the answers. Now excuse me, I have a date with destiny. May the Force be with you."
"Hmm," said the real Luke, "come to think of it, how were we gonna get the droids to the Rebellion if Leia hadn't been on the Death Star? Did Ben have some plan I didn't know about? And why am I letting this stupid play get me thinking?"
Meanwhile, the Luke actress was sulking with her arms folded. "It's not FAIR! I thought Ben trusted me!"
"Oh, quit your whining, kid," said the Han actor, leaning back in the chair. "By the way, you still owe me seventeen thousand credits, Alderaan or no Alderaan, so the old fossil had better pay up."
"Old . . . FOSSIL?" The Luke actress's voice was squeaking as if she were just starting puberty. "How DARE you call him that! He's the greatest person in the ENTIRE GALAXY and you'd better not insult him or you'll have to answer to ME!"
"You mean you'll use that light-up thing on me?" the Han actor scoffed.
"As I recall, you were pretty SCARED of that light-up thing!" the Luke actress retorted, sticking out her tongue like an eight-year-old. "Now take that back or I'll cut a nice hole in your chest!"
"Damn!" the real Han exclaimed. "What got this lady thinkin' Luke was so bloodthirsty?"
"Probably the same thing that got her thinking I was such an idiot," said the real Luke.
Suddenly the R2 actor started shaking, as if he either really had to go to the refresher or had something extremely important to tell the others. "BeepbeepbeepbeepBEEEEEP!"
"Goodness R2, what is it?" shouted the 3PO actor. "Really, you would do well to learn how to be quiet once in a while!"
The R2 actor blew a raspberry.
"What do you mean you know where the princess is?"
"PRINCESS?" the Luke and Han actors exclaimed in unison.
In the audience, Leia was sinking down in her seat.
"Why yes," said the 3PO actor, "that's what I just said."
"The PRINCESS is here?" the Luke actress squealed.
"Wait, what princess?" asked the Han actor.
"Why, the princess in the message, of course!" the Luke actress sang. "She's the most BEAUTIFUL, most SEXY, most SMOKIN' HOT girl in the entire universe! And . . . and she's HERE! That super sexy princess is HERE and I could MEET her right now!"
"Actually, that might be difficult," said the 3PO actor. "It appears that she is scheduled to be terminated immediately." "
The Luke actress looked like she had just been knocked on the head. "NOOOOO! THEY CAN'T KILL HER! NOT BEFORE I'VE GOTTEN A CHANCE TO MEET HER!"
The real Luke had to clench his teeth to keep himself from launching into his own yelling fit.
Meanwhile the actor Han was clutching his head. "Kid, you're gonna give me a hangover here."
"Han, you've gotta help me!" the actress Luke shouted. "We've gotta save her!"
"What? No, no way I'm goin' into the detention area!"
"But they're gonna KILL her!"
"Better her than me!"
The real Leia gasped. "Wow Han, this actor makes you look totally heartless."
"Uh . . . yeah, he does," said the real Han, uncomfortably shifting his eyes.
"But wait!" the Luke actress was saying. "She's RICH!"
The Han actor leapt to his feet. "RICH? Did you say RIIIICCCCCHHH?" He slapped his bottle against his hip. "Well that changes EVERYTHING! Chewie, we're gonna go rescue this princess so we can get a huge reward and get RICH RICH RICH! We're talkin' booze for life, Chewie! BOOZE FOR LIFE!"
The real Han groaned loudly.