"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 7
The stormtrooper actors and the Rebel actors chased each other up and down the stage and the Rebel actors shot out the cameras dangling from the ceiling and Han kept thinking about how he would stage the fight better. For one thing, he wouldn't have his actor take a swig of alcohol every few seconds.
"All right," the Han actor was saying as he studied the console he was at, "your princess is in cell 2187, go get her!"
"WOOHOOO!" the Luke actress yelled as she dashed offstage. "I'M GONNA GET LAID!"
In the audience, the real Luke was flinching.
Meanwhile, the actor Han leaned over the console and started speaking into the microphone. "Uh, everything's okay here, just a little weapons malfunction . . . yeah, yeah, that's it, a weapons malfunction."
"Really?" said the voice over the console. "That sounded like more than just a little malfunction."
"Well that's my story and I'm stickin' to it," said the Han actor. "It was a weapons malfunction and everything's perfectly fine now. So . . . how are you?"
"I'm fine, but this sounds extremely suspicious," said the voice. "We're gonna send a squad up."
"NO!" the Han actor yelled. "Negative! Negative! There's . . . uh . . . let's see, there's gotta be something wrong here . . . oh I know, a reactor leak! Yup, great big reactor leak, very dangerous! Better not come up here if you value your life!"
"Who is this, anyway?" asked the voice. "Our voice recognition software doesn't recognize you."
"Voice . . . recognition . . . software?" the Han actor exclaimed in a small voice. "Uh . . . well does it recognize THIS?" He shot the microphone, after which the audience started applauding.
"Oh YEAH!" shouted Lando, clapping along with them. "Face it Han, people love you when you're bein' an idiot."
"I can't wait till you get in this play," the real Han grumbled.
Meanwhile, the actress Luke was grandly striding up to the edge of the stage where the actress Leia stood. "Oh Princess Leia," the Luke actress said in an exaggerated voice, "my name is Luke Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you. Oh wow, you're even HOTTER in real life than you are in a hologram!"
"My HERO! I was so SCARED!" shouted the Leia actress, throwing her arms around the Luke actress. "And you're so HANDSOME too, it's like a handsome prince is coming to my rescue!"
"Oh Leia," said the Luke actress, "my heart beats only for you!"
In the audience, the real Luke and Leia scooted as far away from each other as possible, disgusted looks on their faces.
"Lead the way, my mighty rescuer!" shouted the Leia actress.
"With pleasure!" the Luke actress said as the Han and Chewie actors caught up with them.
"Luke, we got company!" the Han actor shouted.
"What?" exclaimed the Luke actress. "You didn't stupidly talk into a microphone pretending to be an Imperial, did you?"
"Uh . . . maybe."
A bunch of stormtrooper actors ran onto the stage and started exchanging fire with the Luke, Han, and Chewie actors, which lasted several minutes longer than was sufficiently entertaining.
"SAVE ME!" the Leia actress wailed. "I DON'T WANNA DIE! WAAAAAHHH!"
The real Leia slapped herself with both hands and shook her head in irritation.
"Don't worry, my beautiful helpless princess!" the Luke actress shouted. "I'll protect your delicate self!"
"HELPESS? DELICATE?" the real Leia yelled.
Han gently gripped his wife's shoulder. "Hey sweetheart, it's just a stupid play. No one really thinks you're helpless or delicate."
"THIS is what I'm savin'?" the Han actor was yelling.
"Hey, don't you DARE insult her!" shouted the Luke actress. "She's too HOT to be insulted!"
"Yeah, well I like women with spines," snapped the Han actor.
"So do I," muttered the real Leia while her actress counterpart burst into tears.
"Why are you so MEAN?" the Leia actress wailed. "And why didn't you come up with an escape plan? We're all gonna die here and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"Someone shut her up!" the actor Han and the real Leia shouted in unison.
Eventually it was the Luke actress who had the idea to hide in the garbage chute instead of the Leia actress and instead of trying to brace up the walls while the garbage crusher closed, the Leia actress just stood around and cried while the men did all the work.
"I'm going to talk to the director about how sexist this play is," said the real Leia.
Lando shrugged. "Come on Leia, lighten up. Maybe you just want to see sexism in everything."
"What?"
Finally, after several minutes of the stormtrooper and Rebel actors chasing each other around the stage and shooting at each other, the Vader and Obi-Wan actors faced each other, their toy lightsabers at the ready.
"I've been waiting for this for twenty years," said the Vader actor. "You don't cut off someone's legs and leave them to burn without consequences, Obi-Wan."
"What, you're still hung up on that?" said the Obi-Wan actor. "Come on, let it go already! I must say, you're looking pretty good for someone who burned almost to death. That suit probably works wonders when it comes to scaring people."
"Well, yes it does," said the Vader actor, "but that's beside the point! The point is that you're going DOWN! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"
Their toy blades clashed and swung at each other in a very unpolished duel that looked like they were just swinging their weapons randomly.
"You can't win, Darth," said the Obi-Wan actor. "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
"Oh really?" said the Vader actor. "And how would you do that?"
"I'd turn into a blue ghost who sometimes gives people advice," said the Obi-Wan actor.
Vader suddenly stopped swinging his lightsaber, as if he couldn't believe what he just heard. "Seriously? That's your idea of becoming more powerful than I could possibly imagine?"
"Well to be honest I was hoping that you couldn't imagine a lot," said the Obi-Wan actor. "But anyway, you want your revenge?" He turned his lightsaber over and held it up in a vertical position. "Here, take it."
"Wait . . . what are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?" said the Obi-Wan actor. "You want your revenge, so I'm letting you have it. Now come on, kill me."
"You're SURRENDERING?" the Vader actor shouted. "That's no fun!"
"Well, do you want your revenge or not?"
The Vader actor groaned. "Fine, but I'm still not happy." He swung his blade at the Obi-Wan actor and the stage went dark as the Luke actress screamed, "NOOOOOO! NOT BEN! I'LL AVENGE HIM, VADER! AND WHILE I'M AT IT, I'LL AVENGE MY AUNT AND UNCLE . . . what were their names again?"