AN: Thanks as always for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 9
Leia rushed out of the theater and into the lobby, intent on getting to the refresher before the inevitable long line formed, but there was already a line of women outside it. She groaned as she took her place in the line, glancing to the side and seeing that the males in her group were entering their refresher without having to wait.
"Hey, are you really THE Princess Leia?"
Leia turned around and there was a young human girl waiting behind her, her hair done in messy buns on either side of her head, prompting Leia to smile warmly. "Why yes, I am."
The girl squealed. "You're my HERO! Hey, can you do the scream?"
"Scream? What scream?"
"The scared scream, of course!" The girl was grinning widely, as if showing off the little gap between her teeth.
"What?"
"You know, the scared scream! When you're all terrified that you're not gonna be rescued! I hope I'm someday gonna get rescued like you too!"
Leia had to take a deep breath to keep herself from making a scene in front of this child. "Young lady, you don't need to just sit around and wait to be rescued. You can also be the one who does the rescuing. You can be strong and brave and smart and you don't need to let anyone tell you what to do with your life."
"Oh," said the girl, "okay . . . but can you still do the scream?"
. . .
Despite the temptation to simply leave, the entire group was back in the box at the end of intermission, snacks replenished and attitudes sour (the exception being Lando, of course).
"You guys just can't handle your flaws being performed onstage," Lando was saying leaning back in his seat. "Whether you like it or not, this play is telling the truth. The ugly truth."
The others in the box probably would have tackled him if the lights weren't dimming and the second act wasn't starting. The curtain opened to reveal the Luke actress now dressed in a snowsuit . . . and with a fake taun-taun around her waist, the head of which was sagging. Fake snow that was obviously tiny pieces of paper was blowing around her.
"It's been three years since the Death Star was destroyed," the actress announced, "but the war rages on. Now we are stationed on the ice planet of Hoth, but it's probably only a matter of time before we have to relocate again." She wrapped her arms around herself. "Brrr, it's cold. I'm supposed to be scanning for life forms, but I haven't picked up on ANY life so far."
Meanwhile, a man in a Wampa costume that was so poorly designed that his head was sticking out of the Wampa mouth tiptoed up behind the Luke actress.
"Nope," the actress continued, "absolutely NO LIFE AT ALL. No life for HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF MILES! No life at . . . AAAAHHHHH!"
The Wampa actor grabbed the Luke actress and dragged her offstage.
"Hey," said Lando, "how come your sensor didn't pick up on the Wampa?"
"Don't ask me," said the real Luke as the Han and Leia actors stormed onstage, the Han actor glugging from his bottle as always.
"What do you MEAN you're gonna leave?" the Leia actress wailed.
"Just what I said – I'm gonna LEAVE!" the Han actor shouted back. "I've got a big debt that I haven't paid in three years and Jabba's probably put interest on it which probably means I'm screwed."
"Well isn't that all the more reason to NOT leave?"
"Oh wait," said the Han actor, "I get it! You LIKE me, don't you?"
"What?"
"You like me!" the Han actor sang. "You like me, you like me, you like me!"
"N-no!" the Leia actress sputtered. "I-I mean, just because you're so drop-dead handsome and brave and just plain awesome doesn't mean I LIKE you! I mean, you're drunk all the time!"
"What?" the Han actor exclaimed. "I ain't drunk all the time!" With that, he took a long swig from his bottle. I ain't . . ." He hiccupped loudly. ". . . drunk!" He took another swig. "Now you want in my pants, don't ya?"
"Of COURSE I don't!" the Leia actress snapped. "And I totally don't daydream about you naked!"
"Well I don't daydream about you naked!"
Both the real Leia and the real Han slapped themselves.
"Princess Leia! Captain Solo!" the 3PO actor screamed as he rushed onstage. "I do hate to interrupt your sexual-tension-fueled argument, but Master Luke has gone missing!"
"Oh no!" the Leia and Han actor shouted in unison.
"Yes," said the 3PO actor. "He's probably lost in the snow and who knows what could be happening to him!"
"Well, I've gotta . . . gotta . . . gotta . . ." The Han actor was swaying from side to side before he took another drink from his bottle. ". . . gotta go after him, yeah that's it! I've gotta go after him!"
"WHAT?" the Leia actor shouted. "You CAN'T go out there all alone! You'll freeze to death and then who will I argue with? DON'T GO!"
"Sorry princess," said the Han actor. "Duty calls!"
"NOOOOO!" the Leia actor shouted as the lights went out. "I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT A CUTE BUTT YOU HAVE!"
The real Leia groaned. "Is the play over yet?"
When the stage lights came back on, the Luke actress was sprawled out on the floor while the Wampa actor was pretending to eat the fake taun-taun.
"Oooh, where am I?" the actress asked, gasping when she saw the Wampa actor. "Well this isn't good. If only I had my lightsaber . . . oh wait, there it is!" She stretched her arm towards the toy lightsaber lying a few feet away from her. "Oh no, I can't reach it!"
The real Luke rolled his eyes. "If she's not hanging upside down like I was, why doesn't she just go get it?"
"Wait!" the Luke actress shouted. "I can use the FORCE to get it!" She started grunting as she reached for the lightsaber toy. "Al . . . most . . . got . . . it . . ." Then the lightsaber (which was obviously attached to a wire) slid towards her. "AHA, I've got it!"
She leapt to her feet and turned on the toy lightsaber just as the Wampa actor jumped out to attack.
"HA!" the Luke actress yelled, tapping the Wampa actor on the shoulder and causing him to cry out in pain and run offstage.
"Really?" the real Luke exclaimed. "THAT'S how they do me cutting the Wampa's arm of?! No one would even know what happened if they didn't already know beforehand!"
"Shh!" said Lando.
Meanwhile, the Luke actress was staggering up and down the stage. "Where's the base, where's the base, WHERE'S THE BASE? Oh no, I'm gonna freeze to death! Oh nooooo!" She collapsed.
Just then, the Obi-Wan actor slid onto the stage, now wearing a light blue robe that sparkled with what must have been thousands of sequins. "LUKE!" he shouted.
"B-B-Ben?" the Luke actress asked in a strained voice without getting up.
"Yes, Luke," said the Obi-Wan actor. "I know you're freezing to death and it's unlikely that you'll remember anything in your condition, but I want you to go to the Dagobah system."
"Dagobah system?"
"Yes, and there you'll learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me from a certain point of view. Well, bye!" He slid back offstage.
"Wait, Ben!" the Luke actress called. "How am I supposed to go to Dagobah when I'm kind of FREEZING TO DEATH HERE? How . . ." She fainted just as the Han actor came onstage with his own fake taun-taun around his waist.
"Oh no, LUKE!" the Han actor shouted, stepping out of the taun-taun and running up to the Luke actress. "C'mon Luke, don't die on me! Do you need some booze? I can give you some booze to warm you up!" He poured contents from his bottle onto the Luke actress's face, but she didn't stir. "Oh shit, did I just waste my booze for nothing? Uh . . . I know, I'll warm you up in the taun-taun!" He dragged the Luke actress over to where he had thrown down the fake taun-taun. "Ugh, I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE."
Once they reached the taun-taun, the Luke actress scrambled away from it. "EEEEWWWWWW! Han, are you trying to kill me?"
"Hey, I was sticking you in the guts of a dead animal to keep you ALIVE!" shouted the Han actor.
"And what, were you gonna leave me in there all night?"
"No, of course not! I'm gonna set up a tent where the two of us can sleep together and snuggle up to keep each other warm . . . in a totally heterosexual way, of course!"
"Oh, okay!" the Luke actress said in a squealing voice as she jumped on the Han actor and the stage went black.
In the audience, both the real Luke and the real Han had awkward looks on their faces.
"Let me guess," said Lando, "what happens in the tent stays in the tent, right?"
Neither of them answered.