AN: Thanks for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 10
"Well, Your Highness," the Han actor was saying, "since I saved Luke's life, how about givin' me a kiss for a reward?"
"I'd rather kiss a Wookiee," the Leia actress said with her hands on her hips and her nose in the air.
"All right," said the Han actor. "Chewie, get in here!"
The Chewie actor rushed onstage, roaring that he was in heat and causing the real Chewie to slap himself.
"Hey Chewie," the Han actor said after taking a swig from his bottle, "the princess here says she wants to kiss you."
"No I didn't!" the Leia actress wailed. "I really want to kiss . . . LUKE!" She rushed up to the bed where the Luke actress lay and grabbed his face to kiss her passionately. The Luke actress threw her arms around the Leia actress and eagerly returned the kiss, both of them making loud sucking noises on each other's lips.
The real Luke looked like he was about to vomit. "How long is this kiss gonna last?"
"Well kid . . . you DID enjoy it when it was happenin'," said the real Han.
"DON'T remind me!"
It must have been at least a full minute before the actors' lips separated. "WOO!" the Luke actress screamed. "That was AMAZING! Han, I bet you're SO JEALOUS!"
"What? NO!" shouted the Han actor. "I ain't jealous! I just . . . REALLY need a drink." He immediately started chugging from his bottle for even longer than the kiss had lasted before both he and Leia were called to the other end of the stage by an actor in a Rebellion general's uniform.
"Your Highness, Captain Solo," the general actor said, "there appears to be an Imperial probe droid here and the Empire's probably going to attack any minute now, so let's give the evacuation code and prepare for battle."
"Wait," said the real Han, "they cut out how I blew up the probe droid?"
"Looks like it," said the real Leia, "but that's the least of this play's problems."
The Battle of Hoth played out similarly to the Battle of Yavin, with actors running around carrying toy snowspeeders and shouting out "pew pew!" while circling around pairs of actors carrying AT-AT props on their shoulders that looked like they were made of cardboard.
"Pew pew!" the Luke actress was shouting, the snowspeeder toy high over her head. "Pew pew PEW! It's no use, the armor's too strong for blasters! We've gotta go to Plan B!"
"We have a Plan B?" one of the Rebel actors asked.
"Of course we do!" said the Luke actress. "I just . . . need to think of it!"
"Oh come ON!" shouted the real Luke. "You think we'd try to take on AT-ATs without a Plan B?"
"I've got it!" exclaimed the actress Luke. "Let's stick them with our tow cable harpoons and then fly around and around them in circles until they're all tangled up in the cables and they trip over!"
"THAT'S your Plan B?" exclaimed a Rebel actor.
"Well . . . it sounded much cooler in my head, but let's try it!"
There was more running around the AT-AT props, but this time the Rebel actors were quickly tying string to the cardboard legs before winding it around and around the props.
"WOOHOO!" the Luke actress yelled as the actors carrying one of the tied up AT-AT props kneeled down. "WE GOT ONE! Now let's blast it!"
"Wait," said a Rebel actor, "I thought you said the armor was too strong for blasters."
"Not when it's tripped over!" said the Luke actress. "That makes perfect sense, right?"
"Eh, I guess," said the Rebel actor. "I'm sure there's some resource on the HoloNet that explains it."
After a lot more running around and tying up AT-AT props, the stage finally darkened on the battle and relit to show the Han, Leia, Chewie, and 3PO actors running around.
"Oh dear!" screamed the 3PO actor. "We will all die here! I'm sure it is R2's fault, even though he's not here. Things are always his fault, after all!"
"Shut up, you stupid droid!" the Han actor shouted, glugging his bottle as he ran around the stage. "We've gotta get to the Falcon before the Empire gets us!"
"'Before the Empire gets us'?" the real Han exclaimed. "What am I, five?"
"OH NO!" the Leia actress was wailing. "I don't want Vader to get me again!" She burst into tears as she ran. "WAAAAH! SAVE ME, HAN! SAAAAAAAVVVVVEEE MEEEEEEEE!"
The real Leia's teeth were grinding so hard that it sounded like she was trying to chip away her enamel.
Meanwhile, the four actors sat on chairs the stagehands has brought out and the Han actor was reaching in front of him like he was pretending to fly a ship. "Don't worry, everyone!" he shouted. "My baby's gonna get us outta here!"
"Your 'baby' is a pile of junk!" the Leia actress shouted back. "We're all gonna DIE!"
"I do agree with the princess," said the 3PO actor. "We WILL all die!"
"Shut UP, all of you!" shouted the Han actor. "We just need to go into hyperspace and we'll lose them. Here we go!"
A loud creaking noise sounded over the speakers, irritating everyone's ears.
"Captain Solo," said the 3PO actor, "it appears that the hyperdrive has been damaged and we can't go to lightspeed."
"Oh NOOOOOO!" sobbed the Leia actress. "WE'RE ALL DOOMED!"
"Fear not, princess!" said the Han actor, chugging from his bottle again. "I just need to tinker with a few things to fix the hyperdrive." He got out of his seat and threw himself on the floor. "C'mon Chewie, open this thing for me!"
The Chewie actor slid to the floor next to the Han actor and opened a trap door in the stage. "Thanks pal," said the Han actor. "Now I just need to slide down in here and expose my butt to anyone who might be watching." He bent down into the trap door, which indeed left his rear end pointing upwards. "Everyone's gettin' a good look, right? See what a fine ass I've got? Hey, is Leia lookin'? I know SHE likes my ass. Finest ass in the galaxy, all right."
In the audience, the real Han looked like he was two seconds away from charging at the stage and attacking his actor.
"Han," the real Leia quickly said, putting a hand on her husband's arm, "you do have a nice ass."
Strangely enough, that made him calm down, though he ignored the snickering from Luke and Lando.