AN: Thanks as always for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 11
"Come on, R2," said the Luke actress, holding a toy X-Wing over her head as the R2 actor followed her.
"Beep beep beep?" the R2 actor said.
"No R2, we're not regrouping with the others – we're going to the Dagobah system."
"Beep?"
"What?" the Luke actress exclaimed. "No, of COURSE we're not abandoning the Rebellion! We're just going to Dagobah so I can find a Jedi Master Obi-Wan's ghost told me about when I was freezing to death and then I'll train with him for who-knows-how-long until I'm a full Jedi and THEN we'll go back to the Rebellion!"
"Beep?" the R2 actor repeated.
"Why does that actor keep asking for a bathing suit?" the real 3PO asked. "I am starting to believe that he does not actually understand the language of astro droids."
The real R2 beeped in agreement.
"Uh-oh!" shouted the Luke actress. "I think we're going down!"
With that, both the Luke actress and the R2 actor fell forward, the Luke actress's toy X-Wing flying out of her hand and skidding across the stage.
"Oh NOOO!" the Luke actress continued. "WE'RE GONNA CRASH!"
Both actors tumbled down on the stage, rolling over and over as if they were having a contest to see who could roll over the fastest.
"Owwww," the Luke actress moaned once they had finally finished tumbling. "I think I twisted something."
"Beeeeep," the R2 actor responded.
"Oh my, does this actor have no shame?" the real 3PO exclaimed as the Luke actress helped the R2 actor to his feet.
The Luke actress started pacing. "Okay, we're here, so now we need to find this Yoda. Even though I have no idea what he looks like or what part of the planet he lives on – we could have crashed on the wrong side of the planet . . . but I guess the FORCE will guide us, right? Right?"
"Beep," said the R2 actor.
The Luke actress grimaced. "What do you mean it was stupid to come here? Obi-Wan's ghost said to come here and when a ghost tells you to do something, you do it! Now come on, we might have to search the entire planet for this Yoda person, so we'd better get started."
"Started with what?" came a raspy voice from offstage.
"AAAAAHH!" screamed the Luke actress, immediately drawing her blaster.
"No, no, away put your weapon! Mean you harm I do not! Shoot me do not!"
An old human male waddled onstage, his face painted light green and fake pointy green ears pasted on his head, once again making the real Luke slap himself.
"Here, why are you?" the actor asked, leaning on his cane. "You, who are?"
"Uh . . . I'm Luke," said the Luke actress.
"Mmm," said the Yoda actor, hobbling up to the Luke actress. "Luke, you are? Here, what are you doing? Long way from home, you are. Heheheheheheh!"
"I can already tell this guy's gonna go over the top," said the real Luke.
"Uh," the actress Luke was saying, "I'm looking for a mighty Jedi Master that a ghost told me about when I was freezing to death."
"Mmm, crazy that is, but know Jedi Master I do. Yoda. Yoda, you seek. Hmm. Now food I want. Hmmm. Lots and lots of food I want! Eat your food I will!"
"What?" exclaimed the Luke actress. "No! You can't it eat my food! I just crash landed on this slimy mudhole and my food's probably all wet and disgusting and you wouldn't like it!"
"WHAT? Mudhole? Slimy? Insult my home YOU DO NOT! For that, take you to Yoda I will not!"
"Hey kid," whispered Han, "was Yoda really this . . . crazy?"
"Actually, he kind of was," the real Luke whispered back, "but this guy's still overdoing it."
The Luke actress was growling through her teeth in frustration. "Well fine! I don't need you to find Yoda anyway!"
"Hmm," said the Yoda actor, "well what if on wrong side of planet you are? Far away Yoda could be, and know what he looks like you do not!"
"Wait . . . how do you know I don't know what Yoda looks like?"
"Heheheheheh!" The Yoda actor gave a maniacal grin. "Find out, you will, if let me take you to Yoda, you do. Heheheheheheh!"
"Do you always laugh like that?"
"Heheheheh!" the Yoda actor replied. "Laugh, it would do you some good to more. Now follow me, you will, and dinner we will have!"
"DINNER?" shouted the Luke actress. "I thought we were gonna see Yoda!"
"Yes, yes, Yoda we will see, but dinner we will have first. Patience, you must have, and food you must eat."
"But I DON'T WANNA EAT! I WANNA SEE YODA NOW!"
The real Luke groaned.
"Come, come," the Yoda actor continued as a stagehand set up a cooking pot. "Cook dinner, I will and eat you will."
"I don't want to EAT!" the Luke actress repeated, folding her arms like a stubborn child. "I want to find Yoda and become a Jedi!"
"Hmmm, you Jedi? Why become Jedi, do you want?"
The Luke actress shrugged. "Well, because my dad I've never met was a great Jedi and I wanna be just like him."
"Just like him, even though met him you have not?" said the Yoda actor. "Stupid, that sounds. Idolize your father too much you do and disappointed you will be!"
"Why would I be disappointed?"
"Oh, well what if evil Sith Lord he turned out to be?" The Yoda actor gave that maniacal grin again.
"What? That would NEVER happen! Never never NEVER! My dad was a GREAT JEDI and don't you DARE insult him!"
"Hmm," the Yoda actor repeated, "well, eat it's time to, then discuss Yoda we will."
"Hmph!" The Luke actress folded her arms again and stomped her feet. "I wanna see Yoda NOW!"
With that, the Yoda actor stomped his feet back. "Teach this boy, I cannot! Impatient he is, waste my time he will!"
"Wait, what?"
Suddenly the Obi-Wan actor spun onstage, still wearing that sparkly blue robe. "Well you pretty much have no choice, given that he's the only Force-sensitive we have."
"Really?" said the Yoda actor. "What about the sis . . ."
"SHHH!" The Obi-Wan actor quickly covered the Yoda actor's mouth. "He can't know about that right now, and besides he'll think he's much more important if we let him believe he's the only Force-sensitive left."
"What was that?" the Luke actress asked.
"Nothing!" the Yoda and Obi-Wan actors exclaimed in unison.
"Merely discussing Jedi business we were!" said the Yoda actor.
The Luke actress's eyes bulged. "So . . . so YOU'RE Yoda?" She turned to the Obi-Wan actor. "Why didn't you TELL me he was old and green and crazy?"
The Obi-Wan actor shrugged. "Sometimes I don't tell people things, it's no big deal. It's not like I lied about your father or anything."
The real Luke snorted.
"So anyway Ben," said the actress Luke, "could you please tell mean unreasonable Yoda here that I AM ready to be a Jedi?"
"Ready you are NOT!" shouted the Yoda actor, swatting at the Luke actress's legs with his cane. "Think fun it is to be a Jedi? No, stupid you are. Reckless you are. Whiny you are."
"What do you mean WHINY?" the Luke actress wailed.
"Remember," said the Obi-Wan actor, "he's our absolute LAST HOPE and there are NO more Force-sensitives at all and he DEFINITELY doesn't have a Force-sensitive sister!"
The Yoda actor gave a long sigh. "Fine, but obey me he must."
The Luke actress leapt in the air. "YAY! I'm gonna be a Jedi and make my dad proud!"
"Yes, yes," said the Yoda actor. "Now on your hands stand."
"What?"