AN: Thanks as always for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 12
"What is thy bidding, my master?" the Vader actor asked as he kneeled in front of a hologram of an actor in a hood and lots of wrinkle makeup. "For that matter, why do I say 'thy' when talking to you? It seems like such an archaic word."
"Nevermiiiiiiiind that," snapped the Palpatine actor's hologram. "I suppose you want to know why I caaaaaaaalled yooooooooouuuuuu."
"Well, I imagine it has something to do with an evil scheme."
"Yeeeeeeessssss," said the hologram. "There is a great distuuuuuuuuuurrrrrbance in the Fooooooooorrrrrce."
"Why is he talkin' like that?" Han whispered. "Is he tryin' to set a record for how long he can hold a word?"
"Eh, he kind of talked like that in real life," said Luke. "Kind of."
"I have felt it too," said the Vader actor.
"We have a neeeeeeewwwwww enemyyyyyyyyyyyy," the Palpatine actor continued. "The young Rebel who destrooooooooooooooooyyyyyyed the Deeeeeeeaaaaaaaath Staaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr."
"Yes, master," the Vader actor replied.
"I have no dooooooooooouuuuuuubt that this booooooooooy is the offspring of Anakin Skyyyyyyyyyyywaaaaaaaalker."
"Wait, what?" exclaimed the Vader actor. "He's my SON?"
The Palpatine actor raised an eyebrow. "Of coooooooouuuuuurrrsssse he iiiiiiiissss. You two have the saaaaaamme last naaaaaame. How many Skyyyyyywaaaaaalllkers do you think there are in the galaxy?"
"Uh, there could be millions, actually."
"All right, faaaaiiiir point, but anyway, the sooooooon of Skyyyyywaaaaaaalker must not become a Jeeeeeediiiiiiii."
"And how can he, master? Obi-Wan is dead."
"Well maybe there's some Jeeeeeeediiiiii Master on some faaaaaaarrrrrrawaaaaaaaayyyy planet and maybe Obi-Waaaaaaaaaaaannnnn's ghost will send him there."
"That's a pretty long shot, master."
"Don't interrupt! Now as I was saaaaaaaayyyyyying, we must kiiiiiilllllllll young Skyyyyyyywaaaaaaalker before he can become a Jeeeeeediiiiiii."
"Are you suggesting that I kill my own son, my master?" asked the Vader actor.
"Since you kiiiiiiillllled all those kiiiiiiids ages ago, I'd think you'd have no problem with iiiiiit," said the Palpatine actor.
"Wait," exclaimed Luke, "my father killed kids?"
"Still," the Vader actor was saying, "it seems a waste for someone so strong in the Force to just be killed like that. What if we could turn him to the dark side? He'd be a valuable ally then."
"Hmmmmm," said the Palpatine actor hologram. "Yeeeeesssss, he could be quite a powerful Sith if we could tuuuuurrrn him."
"GREAT idea!" exclaimed the Vader actor. "I'll bet my boy will be all excited to finally meet his dad and rule the galaxy with his dad! I mean, who wouldn't be excited to learn that his dad is a powerful Sith Lord? I wish my dad were a powerful Sith Lord . . . for that matter, I wish I had a dad."
"Weeeeeellll," said the Palpatine actor, "I might have used the dark side to impreeeeeeeggggnate your mooooooom."
The Vader actor immediately perked up. "So you're my father from a certain point of view? OH BOY, this is going to be a GREAT family reunion!"
Meanwhile in the audience, both Luke and Leia gave noticeable flinches.
"Now if only Padme were here," the Vader actor continue, "then it would be perfect – an entire family of Sith ruling the galaxy together."
"Your wiiiiiiife wasn't Foooorrrce-sensitive, remember?" said the Palpatine actor.
"Oh right," said the Vader actor. "Oh well, can't have everything."
"Now caaaaaaaan you turn the boooooy?"
"Of course," said the Vader actor, bowing lower. "He will join us or die, master, but I'm sure he'll choose to join us. After all, who would pass up the opportunity to rule the galaxy with your dad? Sure, I had to Force-choke my wife when she turned the offer down, but I'm sure my son won't be so stupid."
Luke rolled his eyes as the hologram disappeared and the stage darkened. It lit up again to the Leia and Han actors stomping onstage, looking like they were in the midst of another argument. The Han actor was guzzling from his bottle like always.
"HOW could you get us into this mess?" the Leia actress was wailing. "Flying through the asteroids was so SCARY! I thought I was gonna DIE!"
The real Leia growled.
"Well we DIDN'T die," the Han actor retorted. "That was the whole POINT!"
"But now we're trapped INSIDE an asteroid!" the Leia actress kept wailing.
Now the real Han was growling. "So they skipped everything I did in the asteroid field?"
Lando shrugged. "Well, it'd probably just be more toy ships and pew-pewing, so it's probably no great loss."
Meanwhile, the Leia actress was folding her arms and sniffing at the Han actor. "And how long do you think we'll be here?"
"I dunno, I haven't figured that part out yet. Hopefully we'll leave before the booze runs out." He took what was probably the hundredth swig from his bottle.
The Leia actress growled in frustration, hitting herself on the thighs. "Why do I put up with you? WHY?"
"Cause you LIKE me," said the Han actor, feebly trying to imitate the real Han's cocky grin but failing.
"No I DON'T!"
"Great, we're starting this again?" the real Leia groaned.
"C'mon," said the actor Han, "I got us through the asteroid field, didn't I? And I saved Luke from the blizzard and helped blow up the Death Star? Admit it, sometimes you think I'm an okay guy, don't you?"
The Leia actress sighed. "Well . . . I like your butt. And sometimes you might be okay . . . especially when you aren't acting like a scoundrel."
"Ooooh, SCOUNDREL?" the Han actor's grin was still a pale imitation of the real thing. "I like that word – it sounds sexy."
"What? I was trying to INSULT you, you moron herder of nerfs!"
"Herder of nerfs?" the real Leia exclaimed.
"Scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel," the actor Han was repeating. "You like me cause I'm a scoundrel. Scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel . . ." By now it almost sounded like he was singing it.
"Do you realize how dumb you sound?" the Leia actress asked.
"Nope," said the Han actor, "but I might if you kiss me."
"WHAT?"
"I bet you've never kissed a scoundrel," the Han actor purred. "C'mon, just one little kiss?"
In the audience, the real Han and Leia were both flinching in disgust as the actor Han and Leia pressed their lips together with loud slurping noises and kept sucking on each other's lips for at least a full minute.
"Oh, Captain Solo!" the 3PO actor called as he rushed onto the stage.
"What?" the Han actor yelled. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of a make out session here?"
"Sorry, Captain Solo," said the 3PO actor, "but it appears that this is not a cave and you have flown us into a giant space slug that is going to digest us!"
"OH NO!" the Leia and Han actors shouted in unison as the real Han grumbled about the play making 3PO steal his thunder.