AN: Sorry it took me so long to update this - I've been busy with grad school.

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 13

"All right, listen up!" the Vader actor announced, marching up and down past a line of bounty hunter actors. "If you're wondering why I called you here, you clearly weren't paying attention when you got my call. However, just in case you weren't listening, here's your mission. The one who finds the Millennium Falcon wins a GREAT BIG BOUNTY – but I want them alive, no disintigrations."

"What?" exclaimed the Boba Fett actor. "No disintigrations? That's no fun!"

The Vader actor strode up to the Boba actor, pointing a threatening finger at him. "Well you won't get the bounty if you don't follow my orders."

"Orders? ORDERS?" the Boba actor yelled. "Do you know who you're talking to? I'm BOBA FETT, bitch! The greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy! I take orders from NO ONE!"

"Then how do you get jobs?" the Vader actor snapped. "Now I am ORDERING you to capture them without killing them or you will get a nice Force strangulation, do you understand?"

"Oooh, edgy!" said the Boba actor. "Fine, you'll get your prisoners alive, but if you torture them, I wanna be around to see it."

"No promises," said the Vader actor.

"Oh come ON!" shouted the Boba actor. "The greatest bounty hunter ever should be able to see some torture!"

The Vader actor folded his arms and tapped his foot in irritation. "And how do I know you're the greatest bounty hunter ever?"

"Easy! Just ask all my FANS! I have more fans than any other bounty hunter in the galaxy, so that makes me the best! And wait till you see all the action figures I have! Yessirie, all you need to do is mention the name Boba Fett and the fanboys drool!"

The Vader actor slapped his mask. "Look, just do your job and get me the Falcon, okay?"

"Fine, fine," said the Boba actor. "I'll totally get the Falcon before any of these other loser bounty hunters even find out where it is!"

"Do you even know what the Falcon LOOKS like?" the Vader actor asked.

"Nope, but I don't need to – I'm BOBA FETT!"

In the audience, Luke was nibbling on a candy bar as the lights dimmed. "Just what do people see in him, again?"

"I dunno," said Han. "Maybe it's the helmet."

Meanwhile, the lights came back on, revealing the Luke actress standing on her hands while the Yoda actor sat next to her. "Why . . . do . . . I . . . have . . . to . . . do . . . this?" she grunted.

"Help you use the Force, it does," said the Yoda actor.

"HOW?"

"Mmm, clear the blood from your head being upside-down does. More room for the Force them, hmmm. Of course, make old Jedi do it, I did not, but mess with you, I want to. Now those rocks, lift."

The Luke actress grunted. "I CAN'T DO IT!"

The Yoda actor groaned. "Wimpy, you are. The rocks, lift, or climb on top of your legs, I will. In my butt, your foot will be."

"Okay, OKAY! I'll try!"

"No, TRY not! Do, or not do, try there is no!"

"What?" both the actress Luke and the real Luke exclaimed in unison.

"Hmmm," said the Yoda actor. "The Force, use, see visions, you will. See friends long gone, you will."

"Friends long gone?" the Luke actress repeated. "Han? Leia? NO!" She toppled over in a heap as the Yoda actor gave a loud groan.

"CONTROL!" The Yoda actor whacked the Luke actress with his cane. "Control, you must, or fall over like that you will."

The Luke actress moaned as she rubbed her head. "City in the clouds . . . I saw a city in the clouds . . ."

"Hmm, probably some unimaginative name like 'Cloud City' it has."

"They were suffering . . ."

"Mmm, yes, suffer your friends will at a cloud city, do about it, what can you?"

"What do you MEAN do about it, what can I?" the Luke actress shouted. "I'm gonna go RESCUE them, of course!"

The Yoda actor sighed. "If leave now, you do, help them, you could, but destroy everything they suffer for, you will."

"I don't CARE!" the Luke actress shouted as she scrambled to her feet. "I can't let them die!"

"Occur to you, does it, that a TRAP this is? Bait they could be, for YOU Darth Vader to get."

"I have no idea what you're saying, but even if I did, I'd STILL go rescue my friends!" With that, she ran offstage and the lights dimmed again.

In the audience, the real Luke folded his arms, grumbling something about the only reason his actress counterpart couldn't understand the Yoda actor was because the script made Yoda's speech needlessly convoluted, but before anyone could respond to him, the stage lights came one again, now illuminating the Han and Leia actors once again.

"Are you SURE you can trust this Lando Calrissian person?" the Leia actress was asking.

"Of course!" the Han actor said before taking a swig from his bottle while the Chewie actor roared that he wanted to eat an Ewok for dinner. "He and I have been buddies for years and he totally would NEVER rat me out to the Empire! Never ever EVER!"

"But are you SURE?"

"Come on, don't you trust me?"

"Yeah, but do YOU trust this friend of yours?"

"Well . . . no, not really, but he's STILL my buddy and he'd NEVER rat me out, I swear on my whiskey!"

Meanwhile, the real Han was grinding his teeth rather loudly.

"I mean," the actor Han continued after hiccupping, "we once made a pinky-swear to never turn each other over to the Empire, and NO ONE can break a pinky-swear!"

The actress Leia moaned. "I have a bad feeling about this," and for once the real Leia was in complete agreement with her actress counterpart.

"Oh boy!" said Lando, rubbing his hands together. "I can't wait to see how they do me!"

Han snorted. "Yeah, neither can we."