AN: Sorry it took me so long to update (again). Grad school keeps you busy and I also did NaNoWriMo, but thanks for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 14
Lando was leaning forward in anticipation as the Leia, Han, Chewie, and 3PO actors strode onto the stage with the Bespin backdrop. "Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!"
"Why?" asked Luke. "You'll probably be made as lame as the rest of us."
Lando smirked. "Not me. You guys all got your flaws acted out, but I don't have flaws to act out."
Everyone else in the box growled at him, but before they could do anything the 3PO actor spoke up.
"No one is meeting us?" said the actor. "Oh dear! Oh woe! It appears that we have been forgotten!"
"I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!" wailed the Leia actress, bursting into tears for what might have been the hundredth time while the real Leia buried her face in her hands.
"Come on," said the Han actor after chugging from his bottle. "Lando won't . . ." He hiccupped. ". . . let us down . . . I mean, we pinky swore!"
"THAT'S RIGHT, BUDDY!" came a voice booming over the speakers as a drumroll sounded. "You want Lando? Well here he comes, the ONE, the ONLY, the AMAZING, the SPECTATULAR . . . LANDO FREAKIN' CALRISSIAN!"
Loud music played over the speakers as the Lando actor danced in full of swagger. His hair was puffed up in an exaggerated manner, his cape was overly-colorful, and he was wearing shades. "Oh YEAH, baby!" he shouted. "LANDO'S IN THE HOOOOOOUUUUUUSE!" He strode up to the Han actor. "HAN!" he yelled, pronouncing it wrong just like the real Lando always did. "My brother from another mother! What brings you to the fabulous Cloud City?"
The Han, Leia, Chewie, and 3PO actors all just stared at the Lando actor for several seconds before the Han actor managed to say "Repairs."
"WHAT?" shouted the Lando actor. "You messed up MY ship?"
The Han actor hiccupped. "Hey, she's MY ship now, remember? I cheated to win it fair and square!"
"What?" the real Han exclaimed. "I did NOT cheat! Sides, Lando never plays fair anyway."
"Well never mind," said the Lando actor, "my people will have it fixed in a jiffy! Now com'ere, you!" With that, he grabbed the Han actor's head and started giving him a noogie. "Who's my best bud? Oh yeah, who's my best bud that I'd never EVER turn over to the Empire?" Then he noticed the Leia actress. "Hello, what's this?" he shouted, immediately dropping Han and rushing up to the Leia actress. "Well HEY THERE, aren't you the hot stuff?"
The real Leia slapped her forehead for what was probably the tenth time.
"Oh YEAH!" the Lando actor continued. "Mmm-mmm, you are one SMEXY piece of meat!" He grabbed her hand in a swooping motion and gave it a loud, slurpy kiss. "Bet you'd like a piece of Lando, wouldn't you?"
"Uh, not really," said the Leia actress.
"Come ON!" said the Lando actor, spreading out his arms just as the Han actor got up behind him, which of course knocked the Han actor back to the floor. "EVERYONE wants a piece of Lando!"
"Well she doesn't," the Han actor growled from the floor.
"Oh-ho-ho, I get it!" said the Lando actor, pointing from the Leia actress to the Han actor and back again. "You two are an item!" He chuckled slyly. "Well I'll make sure you guys get plenty of privacy – and you'll share ONE bed, of course, heh heh heh!"
As the Lando actor sauntered backwards offstage and the stage darkened, the real Lando just stared ahead, his eyes bulging.
"Well Lando," Han said in a smug voice, "bet you ain't lovin' this play so much NOW, are you?"
"Are you kidding?" Lando exclaimed. "I . . . am . . . AWESOME!"
Meanwhile, the stage lights came back on and the Lando actor was already leading the Han, Leia, and Chewie actors to that fateful dinner. "I bet you guys have been getting plenty of R&R," the Lando actor was saying. "What'd I tell you – I've got the best luxuries for lightyears around!"
"I've seen better," said the Leia actress.
"Well of course YOU have – you're a princess after all!" said the Lando actor. "But I'll bet you've never had Cloud City FOOD! Oh yeah, you've got no idea what you're in for."
With that the Vader actor, the Boba Fett actor, and several stormtrooper actors stormed onstage. "Oh yes," said the Vader actor, "you indeed have no idea what you're in for."
The Lando actor grinned. "Oh, did I forget to mention that I kinda made a deal with Vader to turn you guys over to him in exchange for him leaving my city alone? Sorry."
Both the real Leia and the real Han watched with bulging eyes as the Vader actor tortured the Han actor and the Han actor gave gigantic screams that blared all over the theater.
"Uh, hey Vader?" said the Boba actor.
"What?" asked the Vader actor, staring at the Han actor on the switchboard as if he were watching an entertaining show.
"You DO know that Jabba wants him alive, right?"
"Hmm? Oh sure, he'll be alive, now let me watch the torture."
"Did you hear me?" the Boba actor snapped. "He's NO GOOD TO ME DEAD!"
The Vader actor looked up as if he were rolling his eyes under his mask. "Come on, you're ruining a perfectly good torture session here!"
By now the real Han was grinding his teeth and the real Leia was squeezing his hand in reassurance, though his teeth kept grinding even as the lights went out and ended the scene. His teeth ground even harder as the lights came back on, the Leia, Han Chewie, and 3PO actors (the play had apparently cut out how 3PO got blown up in real life) being led into the carbon freezing chamber, which was simulated by steam shooting out of the stage floor.
"Hey guys!" said the Lando actor, spreading out his arms in greeting. "So glad you could join us for the big freezing!"
The Han actor sneered. "Look, if you're gonna freeze me, at least let me have a drink or three first."
The Vader actor groaned. "Put him in the freezer and DON'T give him any drinks!"
"Sorry Han," the Lando actor said with a chuckle as the stormtrooper actors dragged the Han actor over the steam, "but you know, business is business, so no hard feelings?"
Meanwhile the Leia actress burst into tears. "Oh Han, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO SO MUUCCCCH! I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU EARLIER, BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOOOOUUUUUU!"
The Han actor gave a loud, annoyed groan. "I KNOW, okay?" He turned to the Vader actor. "Hey, can you just freeze me already so I don't have to listen to this?"
Both the real Leia and the real Han slapped their foreheads.