AN: Thanks for reviewing!
"The Play's the Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 15
"Well Calrissian, did he survive?"
"Yup," said the Lando actor, kneeling by the rather poorly-constructed frozen Han prop. "He's in perfect hibernation too, so he gets to take a nice nap on the way to Jabba."
"HOW COULD YOOOOUUUU?" the Leia actress was wailing. "YOU'RE SO HORRIBLE!" Meanwhile the Chewie actor was growling that he wanted to take an X-Wing out to dinner.
The Vader actor groaned. "Get them out of here and take them to my ship."
"Sure thing . . ." said the Lando actor, ". . . hey, wait a minute, didn't you say they'd be able to stay here?"
"Well I'm altering the deal." The Vader actor folded his arms. "So pray I don't alter it further."
"Oh, okay," said the Lando actor, grabbing at the Chewie actor's arm. "Well, sucks to be you guys!"
The real Chewie was growling as the lights went out again.
"Oh really, Chewbacca," said the real 3PO. "Is this production really worth that kind of language?"
Meanwhile, the stage lights came back on to show the Luke actress sneaking around, blaster in hand. "Yoo-hoo, Leia, Han, where are you? I sensed you guys in danger, so where are you?" She scratched her head. "Huh, for that matter, how did I know how to get here? I guess the Force showed me."
"So there you are, young Skywalker."
The Luke actress sharply turned around to see the Vader actor striding onstage. "Well there YOU are, Vader!" she snapped back, activating her lightsaber. "Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"
The Vader actor again looked up as if he were rolling his eyes under his mask. "Really, is that the best you could come up with?"
"Less talking, more fighting!" the Luke actress yelled, charging at the Vader actor with her lightsaber drawn, though the Vader actor easily blocked her.
"Did you really think you could take on a Dark Lord of the Sith?" the Vader actor scoffed.
"Of course I did!" shouted the Luke actress, swinging at him again. "After all, I've had something like a month of training – why shouldn't I be able to take on a Sith Lord?"
The Vader actor groaned. "You're right – less talking, more fighting."
They sparred for several minutes after that in a rather boring fashion that just consisted of swinging their blades at each other over and over. The real Luke commented that the actual fight was much more intense than this.
"Enough of this!" the Vader actor finally shouted. "Let's just get to the part where you turn to the dark side and join me!"
"WHAT?" screamed the Luke actress. "I'll NEVER join you! Never never never NEVER!"
"Oh really? Well you might change your mind if you knew the truth about your father."
The Luke actress spat at him. "My father was a GREAT JEDI and you could never dream of being half as great as he was!"
"Funny you should say that," said the Vader actor in a sly voice.
"AND," the Luke actress shouted, "YOU killed him!"
Now the Vader actor was chuckling. "Oh, is that what Obi-Wan told you? Well guess what, I've got a little surprise for you!"
"I don't care what it is! I don't accept presents from evil Sith Lords like you!"
"Oh, you'll accept this one."
"NO! I want nothing to do with you! You KILLED MY FATHER!"
The Vader actor chuckled even louder. "That's where you're mistaken, young Skywalker. You see . . ." A drumroll sounded over the speakers. ". . . there's something very important you need to know . . ." The drumroll got louder. ". . . something that will change your life FOREVER . . ." The drumroll got even louder. ". . . here it is, hold on to your butt . . ." Now the drumroll was irritating everyone's ears. ". . . I AM YOUR FATHER!"
The theater burst into applause for some reason while the Luke actress just stared at the Vader actor. She had to wait maybe a full two or three minutes before the applause finally died down.
"Seriously?" she exclaimed. "You expect me to buy that?"
"Wait, what?" the Vader actor exclaimed back. "What do you mean?"
"Well come ON," said the Luke actress. "You don't SERIOUSLY expect me to believe you're my father, do you? I mean, you're in a SUIT, for crying out loud!"
The Vader actor slapped his mask (again). "What do you want, a DNA test?"
"Is there even enough left of you to GIVE DNA?"
The Vader actor growled. "I'm your FATHER, got that? Obi-Wan lied to you and now your whole world is shattered."
"Nope," said the Luke actress, shaking her head, "not buying it. Ben would NEVER lie!"
"All right, that's it!" shouted the Vader actor, swinging his lightsaber at the Luke actress. "You're losing a hand for being such a disrespectful son!"
"OOOOOWWWWWWWWW!" the Luke actress screamed as she dropped her lightsaber and pulled her sleeve up over her right hand.
"There, that's what you get for not believing your dad," said the Vader actor. "Now it's time for you to join the dark side and we can rule the galaxy together as father and son!"
"And WHAT makes you think I'd join you after you CUT OFF MY HAND?"
"Uh . . . gee, you've got a point there."
"Forget it!" shouted the Luke actress. "I'm gonna fall down this conveniently-placed chasm, see ya!" She ran offstage.
"Dammit!" shouted the Vader actor. "Why does no one ever want to rule the galaxy with me?"
Lando was chortling as the stage went dark. "Hey Luke, is that what really happened?"
Luke only scrunched his mouth.
When the stage lit up again, the Lando actor was pointing a blaster at the stormtrooper actors who had the Leia, Chewie, and 3PO actors surrounded. "You know what?" he said. "I've decided to join you guys and help you rescue Han."
"What?" exclaimed the Leia actress. "Why should we believe you?"
"Because I'm SMOOTH, of course! I'm too awesome to stay a bad guy! So what do you say, do you forgive me?"
The Leia and Chewie actors looked at each other for a moment.
"Okay," said the Leia actress before freezing all of a sudden. "But wait! I SENSE something!"
"What do you mean?" asked the Lando actor while the Chewie actor growled that he was hungry for womp rat meat.
"I mean I SENSE that Luke's in danger!" shouted the Leia actress. "Hmmm, that could mean that I'm Force-sensitive . . . but nah, that's ridiculous."
The group proceeded to run to the other end of the stage, where the Luke actress staggered up to them. "Hey guys," she said, waving with the sleeve-covered hand. "I've been through hell . . . wow Han, what happened to you – you look nothing like yourself."
Everyone exited the stage except for the Lando actor, who grinned as he turned to face the audience. "Well, I guess we'll be off on a big mission to rescue Han now. Hmm, it could take months, so you guys probably don't want to stick around for the whole thing. See you next act!" He waved in a suave manner as the curtain closed and a voice over the speakers announced another fifteen-minute intermission.
In the audience, a collective groan went through the gang's box at the thought of sitting through yet another act – but Lando was grinning.
"I LOVE this play!" he shouted.