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"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 16

"Where's that actor?" Han growled as the group made their way to the lobby. "I'm givin' him a piece of my mind!"

"Han, I don't think you're allowed backstage," said Leia.

"I don't care! You don't portray Han Solo as a moron without consequences!" He stormed through the lobby, weaving through the crowd, hoping he'd be able to find his actor before intermission ended.

"Oh wow, you're THE REAL HAN SOLO! The REAL HAN SOLO came to the play, oh my goodness!"

"Wait, what?" Han exclaimed, turning in the direction of the voice, and there was the Han actor running up to him, grinning in a boyish manner.

"Wow," he repeated. "I mean, WOW. The real Han Solo came to the play, that's just . . . WOO, I can't believe it."

"Yeah," said Han. "About that . . ."

"I mean," the actor continued, "getting this part was such a dream come true. You're like my FAVORITE REBEL EVER."

"Uh, thanks . . ."

"Hey, can we get a holo together?" The actor talked so fast that his words ran together.

"I guess . . ."

Before Han knew what was happening, his actor stopped a passerby to take a holo of the two of them together. "Thanks so much, buddy!" the actor exclaimed after the holo was taken as he gave Han a friendly slap on the back. "Well, hope you enjoy the rest of the play!" With that, he vanished into the crowd, leaving Han staring after him.

"So," Leia said when her husband returned, "did you give the actor a piece of your mind?"

"No," Han mumbled.

. . .

The third act opened with the Vader actor striding across the stage in front of various Imperial and stormtrooper actors lined up. "All right, men," the Vader actor boomed, "I'm very disappointed in your lack of progress. The Emperor wanted this station operational several weeks ago, so what do you have to say for yourselves?"

An Imperial officer actor hesitantly stepped forward, his body shaking. "Uh . . . Lord Vader . . . may I ask a question?"

"That depends on whether or not it's a stupid question."

The Imperial actor gulped. "Well sir . . . just why did we build another Death Star, anyway? I mean, the Rebels blew up the first one – what makes you think they won't blow this one up too?"

The Vader actor shook his head in a mocking manner. "Well OBVIOUSLY we fixed that little flaw that let the Rebels blow up the last Death Star."

"Yes . . . of course," the Imperial actor stammered, "but what if they find ANOTHER flaw? Like, what if they find a passage big enough to fly whole ships into that happens to lead right to the main reactor?"

"Oh, what are the chances of that happening?" said the Vader actor. "Now, I expect you all to be in your best shape for when the Emperor arrives."

The Imperial and stormtrooper actors all shrieked. "WHAT?" the Imperial actor talking to Vader screamed. "The Emperor's coming HERE? As in HERE here?"

"Yes," said the Vader actor, pointing a finger at the Imperial actor, "and he is not pleased with your lack of progress, so I would suggest getting your butts in gear and getting this station operational."

The Imperial actor gulped again. "I think I just wet my pants."

"Then put on a diaper and get to work," said the Vader actor. "The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

"Diaper?" Luke muttered as the Vader and Imperial actors marched offstage and the scene changed.

The 3PO and R2 actors hobbled onstage, the 3PO actor already blabbering just like his real-life counterpart. "YES, I'm worried, R2. Why wouldn't I be when we're going to JABBA THE HUTT? Not to mention that poor Lando and Chewbacca never returned when they were sent out here."

"Beep! Beep!" said the R2 actor.

"Oh my goodness!" the real 3PO exclaimed. "R2 may be rude, but he is never THAT rude!"

The 3PO actor kept hobbling aimlessly around the stage. "I don't know WHY Mater Luke sent us here anyway. Can't we all just sneak into Jabba's palace, grab Captain Solo, and sneak out? Why does this plan have to be so convoluted? For that matter, why do I feel like there's something Master Luke didn't tell me? Oh R2, it's so frustrating when you don't know what's going on – though of course you're used to that, aren't you? You never know what's going on, after all!"

Han ground his teeth. "That guy's almost as annoying as the real 3PO."

Finally the droid actors got to Jabba's palace, where many of the same humans in various costumes were reused from the Mos Eisley scene. Jabba, however, was a giant mechanical balloon whose mouth flopped up and down when he spoke in some more gibberish that obviously wasn't Huttesse.

"We bring a message from Master Luke," said the 3PO actor.

"Beep!" shouted the R2 actor, to which the real 3PO reacted, "Oh my!" yet again.

"Oh yes, and a gift," said the 3PO actor. "Wait, WHAT gift? R2, Master Luke never said anything about a gift! What kind of gift would you give that disgusting Hutt anyway? For that matter, who would WANT to give a gift to that disgusting Hutt? Especially when we're trying to rescue Captain Solo here!"

The R2 actor ignored him and projected the message. A hologram of the Luke actress appeared in the middle of the stage.

"R2?" the Luke actress asked. "Are you ready for me to record? Are you? Oh, okay!" She cleared her throat. "Greetings, most amazing, mighty, exalted Jabba. My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend of Captain Solo. I know you're really pissed off about the whole dumping-his-cargo incident, but can't that just stay in the past? I'd like to have a talk about bargaining for his life – I'm sure we could come up with an agreement, right?"

"My message wasn't like this!" the real Luke exclaimed.

"Well whaddaya expect by now, kid?" said Han.

Meanwhile, the Luke actress was giggling nervously. "Anyway, to further butter you up, I've decided to give you a gift: these two droids."

"WHAT?" the 3PO actor shouted.

"Yup," the Luke actress continued, "I'm giving you my own personal droids, and I haven't even told the protocol droid what I'm doing! Sorry 3PO, but you know how you blab everything and all. So Jabba, what do you say? Will you let Han go in exchange for the droids?"

The Jabba balloon shouted in the non-Huttese gibberish, his balloon-mouth flapping randomly and not at all in sync with his voice.

"What?" the 3PO actor exclaimed. "What do you mean 'favorite decoration'?"

With that, a stage light turned on, revealing the frozen Han prop hanging on the wall.

"Oh my!" shouted the 3PO actor. "Captain Solo's still frozen, and . . . a decoration? Jabba, haven't you ever heard of proper interior décor? A frozen guy on your wall clashes with everything else in this room!"