AN: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Sorry it took so long to update – real life and other writing took priority for a while.

"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 17

"Oh no, oh no, I'm so scared," the Leia actress was whimpering as she came onstage in the bounty hunter disguise, dragging the Chewie actor behind her. "What if they catch us? What if we never get to save Han? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOO?"

The real Leia buried her face in her hands. "Tell me when that idiot gets offstage."

"Okay, what was I supposed to say again?" the actress Leia was saying. "Oh right!" She cleared her throat. "Jabba, I seek the bounty on this Wookiee!"

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped completely out of sync with his recorded dialogue. "Oh!" said the 3PO actor. "The Mighty Jabba says that he is pleased to have Chewbacca at last. He wishes to hang Chewbacca on his wall next to Han Solo so he'll have a matching set, so he will gladly pay you the sum of twenty-five thousand credits."

"Wow!" exclaimed the Leia actress. "That's a lot of money . . . uh, I mean, I want FIFTY thousand credits, no less."

The Jabba balloon screamed as its mouth flapped up and down.

"The Mighty Incredible Wonderful Amazing Jabba demands to know why," said the 3PO actor.

"Because I have a THERMAL DETONATOR, that's why!" shouted the Leia actress. "If you don't give me fifty thousand, I'm gonna BLOW YOU ALL UP!"

"Oh no!" wailed the 3PO actor. "Amazing Wonderful Superior Jabba, please save us!"

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped so hard that it looked in danger of falling off.

"He offers thirty-five," said the 3PO actor, "and I do hope you will take it without blowing us all up."

"Thirty-five thousand credits?" asked the Leia actress.

"No, thirty-five credits, since you are an idiot and . . . oh, I don't think I was supposed to tell you that."

The Jabba balloon's mouth kept flapping as it laughed.

"So, will you PLEASE not blow us all up?" pleaded the 3PO actor.

The Leia actor instantly turned off the thermal detonator prop. "Fine. I don't want to blow up anyway."

In the audience, the real Leia groaned. "Even when my double is pretending to have a spine, she doesn't have a spine."

Meanwhile, the guard actors were poking away the Chewie actor while he roared that he needed to do laundry. One of the guards, however, strode up to the front of the stage and took off his helmet.

"Hey! It's me, Lando! I know I really shouldn't be taking my helmet off since I'm supposed to be incognito and all, but I wanted to let you all know I was here! Since I'm disguised as a guard, that probably means I've been here for a little while, but I haven't set Han free because . . . well, I guess I want to see how things play out!"

"Wait," exclaimed the real Han as the lights dimmed. "You were THERE before Leia but you didn't let me outta the carbonite?"

The stage lights came back on before Lando could answer (or maybe Lando wasn't going to answer anyway). Now the Leia actress was creeping onto the stage, where the frozen Han prop was glimmering in the spotlight. The real Han wondered if it was made out of foil.

"Oh, poor Han!" the Leia actress wailed. "My poor, poor Han! WHY did this happen to you? WHHHHYYYYYY!" Of course, she proceeded to burst into tears, causing the real Leia to loudly grind her teeth.

"Just FREE HIM ALREADY, will you?" the real Leia snarled.

Finally, after crying for what felt like several minutes, the Leia actress worked the controls on the frozen Han prop, which resulted in the spotlight on the prop turning off for a few seconds, then when the lights went on, the prop was gone and the Han actor was crumpled up on the floor.

"Huh," said the Leia actress. "In hindsight, maybe I should have caught him when he fell out of the carbonite. Oh well." She kneeled down by the Han actor's side. "Hey Han, wake uuuuuuuuppppp! You're out of the carbonite!"

"Uuuuuugggggghhhhh," the Han actor moaned. "I've got the worst hangover of my life."

"Yeah, being frozen tends to do that to you," said the Leia actor.

The Han actor moaned again. "What's goin' on? I can't see!"

"Don't worry, your sight will return. I know that because . . . well, because I know that!"

The Han actor's head was darting around, as if he were looking for something. "Where's my booze? I need my booze! I feel like I haven't had a drink in months – dammit, I feel sober!"

The real Han buried his face in his hand.

"Oh, and by the way," the Han actor continued, "who the hell are you, anyway?"

The Leia actress removed her helmet. "Ta-da! It's someone who loves you!"

The Han actor cocked his head in a confused manner. "So . . . it's Chewie? When did you learn to speak Basic?"

"What? No, it's not Chewie!"

"Oh . . . so it's Qi'ra? I thought we broke up like thirteen years ago."

"NO, you idiot, it's LEIA! Now kiss me before I put you back in the carbonite! I know we should probably get out of here ASAP, but surely we've got time for a make-out session!"

The two actors sucked on each other's lips for what seemed like several minutes, long enough for Luke to ask the real Leia and Han if they really made out for that long when they needed to escape. Surprisingly, neither the real Leia nor the real Han answered.

Soon Luke was getting uncomfortable with all the slurping kissing sounds, but fortunately the curtain opened, revealing the Jabba balloon with its mouth flapping around as usual.

"The Incredible Wonderful Superior Jabba says, 'Surprise!'" said the 3PO actor. "He also says that he does not appreciate ruining his favorite decoration and wants Captain Solo taken to the dungeon immediately."

"What?" the Han actor exclaimed, looking to the side before the Leia actress turned him in the right direction to face Jabba. "Look Jabba, okay, I may have spent money on alcohol when I should've been paying you back, but trust me this time – I'm gonna pay you double, no triple! Hey, how about quadruple! I'll totally get the money this time, trust me! I'll pinky swear it!"

The Jabba's balloon flapped around again, still nowhere close to being in sync with the recorded gibberish.

"The Wonderful Amazing Magnificent Jabba says that you are bantha poodoo," said the 3PO actor. "Or maybe it was 'bantha fodder,' I'm not quite sure. In any case, you are bantha food, either going into the bantha or coming out of it. The Perfect Exquisite Jabba orders for you to be taken to the dungeon and for the princess to be brought to him."

"Wait, ME?" shouted the Leia actress. "What does he want ME for? Surely he doesn't want to make me wear a slave bikini and chain me to his disgusting body!"

The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped again.

"Why, the Incredible Invincible Excellent Jabba says that you just gave him a wonderful idea, Your Highness!" said the 3PO actor.

The real Leia slapped herself yet again.