AN: Thanks again for reviewing!
"The Play's The Thing"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 18
The Luke actress crept onto the stage, grinning at the audience. "Sneak, sneak, sneak," she whispered as she tiptoed around the sleeping creature actors sprawled out all over the stage floor. "Whew, better be careful! Don't wanna wake anyone up!"
The real Luke was already burying his face in his hand.
"Oh no!" the actress Luke cried. "Bib Fortuna! Whatever will I do?"
The Bib Fortuna actor (who had obviously-rubber lekku glued to his head) talked to the Luke actress in that gibberish that still sounded nothing like Huttese.
"Uh . . ." The Luke actress waved her hand in an exaggerated manner that looked less like a Jedi mind trick and more like she was desperately trying to get someone's attention. "You will take me to Jabba NOW!"
"I will take you to Jabba NOW!" the Bib Fortuna actor repeated, suddenly speaking Basic.
The Luke actress giggled, waving her hand again. "And you will hop on one foot while making taun-taun noises!"
"I will hop on one foot while making taun-taun noises," the Bib actor repeated – and then proceeded to do just that, causing the audience to burst out laughing.
"Ooh, this is fun!" the Luke actress said before waving her hand again. "You will flap your arms and recite the Jedi code in a Jawa voice!"
"I will flap my arms and recite the Jedi code in a Jawa voice." Once again he started doing so, his voice squealing as he recited the Jedi code, his words barely-distinguishable.
The Luke actress giggled as she waved her hand yet again. "When we get to Jabba, you will tell him that you are an idiot and you want to kiss him."
"When we get to Jabba, I will tell him that I am an idiot and I want to kiss him."
Sure enough, just then the stagehands pulled the Jabba balloon onstage and the Bib Fortuna actor shouted, "Jabba! I am an idiot and I want to kiss you!" He dove onto the balloon and gave it a big, noisy kiss.
The real Luke groaned. "I guess people think mind tricks are meant for playing pranks."
Han had to struggle to hold back a snicker. "Well kid, this is kinda funny, you gotta admit."
The Jabba balloon's mouth flapped completely out of sync with more recorded non-Huttese gibberish.
"The Mighty Amazing Wonderful Jabba says that he does not wish to kiss Bib Fortuna," said the 3PO actor, "especially since he has a new sex slave."
In the audience, Leia started loudly grinding her teeth.
"Sex slave?" exclaimed the Luke actress. "Who could this be?"
A drumroll sounded as the stage went dark except for a single spotlight. "PRESENTING," the 3PO actor yelled, "JABBA THE HUTT'S NEW SEX SLAVE!"
With that, in danced the Leia actress, wearing the slave bikini – except it looked in danger of slipping off her breasts.
"What the HELL?" the real Leia shouted.
It got even worse before anyone could respond. Loud, seductive music started playing as the Leia actress started dancing, jiggling her hips in tune to the music.
Several men in the audience (and possibly some women) were cheering, but that wasn't half as exasperating as the Luke actress whistling. "WOOHOO!" she yelled. "SHAKE THAT BUTT, HOTTIE!"
The real Leia's face reddened so hard that she looked sunburned. So did Luke's.
Even though the dance only lasted a few minutes, it felt like ages before the Jabba balloon puppet finally called it off.
"Oh wow, I think I've got a boner," the Luke actress said before clearing he throat. "Anyway, Jabba, I see that you've made good use of the droid I gave you, but now you have to uphold your end of the deal. Bring me Han Solo, please!"
The Jabba balloon just screamed.
"Wonderful Incredible Amazing Jabba says that there is no deal," said the 3PO actor.
The Luke actress folded her arms. "Well then you have to give back my droids! No Han, no droids."
The Jabba balloon started laughing and babbling the non-Huttese gibberish yet again.
"The Incredible Superior Mighty Jabba says you will not need your droids back because you will be dead soon," said the 3PO actor.
With that, the trap door opened under the Luke actress and she fell under the stage.
"Well," the real Luke said gloomily, "maybe my battle with the Rancor will at least be interesting."
"Don't bet on it," said Han.
"Oh NOOOO!" the Luke actress yelled from under the stage. "A RANCOR!" A roaring sound came over the speakers, but the Luke actress didn't come out of the trap door. "AAAHHH! HE'S ALL BIG AND SCARY AND HE WANTS TO EAT ME!"
"Okay," said the real Luke, "so when can we see the Rancor?"
Fighting noises and Rancor sounds could be heard from under the trap door, which still wasn't opening. "Take THAT, Rancor!" the Luke actress shouted from under the stage. "And THAT! And THAT and THAT and THAT and THAT!"
"You've gotta be kidding me," the real Luke groaned.
"You're no match for me, Rancor!" the Luke actress was shouting. "I'm a BADASS JEDI! I can defeat you with just a BONE and a ROCK!" More fighting noises. "All right, here comes the BONE!" There was the sound of a Rancor crying out in pain, but the audience still saw nothing. "And now, here comes the ROCK!" There came the sound of a cell door crashing down. "WOOHOO! I DID IT! I KILLED THE RANCOR!"
The real Luke stared in an exasperated manner. "We got to see those incredibly lame portrayals of the space battles . . . but WE CAN'T SEE ME KILL THE RANCOR?"
"Master Luke," said 3PO, "we musn't shout or we could be asked to leave."
"Fine with me," said Han.
"Hey, hey, guys," said Lando. "You've made it this far – you don't wanna be quitters in the third act, do ya?"
Finally the Luke actress climbed out of the trap door. "Wow, that was one AWESOME battle! I feel sorry for anyone who missed it!"
The Jabba balloon screamed in frustration, his mouth flapping so fast that his jaw looked in danger of falling off. In fact, it looked like it actually was starting to fall off at one end.
"Mighty Wonderful Incredible Jabba demands Solo and the Wookiee," said the 3PO actor, after which the guard actors grabbed the Luke actress and other guard actors dragged the Han and Chewie actors onstage.
"Hey Han," said the Luke actress. "Nice to see you again after all these months. So, how are you doing?"
The Han actor groaned. "Well, I'm blind, I feel like I'm gonna puke any minute, and I really, REALLY need a drink, but other than that I'm fine . . . wait, did you say MONTHS? I've been frozen for MONTHS?"
"Yup!" said Luke.
The Han actor groaned again. "Well where's Leia? I sure hope she ain't wearin' a bikini or something – it'd suck if she were lookin' super-hot and I couldn't see her!"
The Jabba balloon yelled again, after which the 3PO actor said. "Wonderful Superior Amazing Jabba says that you three are to be executed immediately. You are being fed to the Sarlacc beast, where you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years."
"Wait," said the Han actor, "we ain't gonna LIVE a thousand years! Does this Sarlacc magically extend our lifespan while it digests us or something?"
The Luke actress, however, was just grinning at the Jabba balloon. "Just you wait, Jabba! You're gonna regret this! Like I said, I'm a BADASS JEDI!"
"And yet we can't even see her fight a Rancor," grumbled the real Luke.