Epic Mindfuck

She was once again in her favorite spot in the library, a pumpkin spice latte cooling on the table in front of her, tapping that pen repeatedly against her chin. She didn't even bother opening her textbook this time because she knew it would have been pointless.

'What the hell did she mean,' Chloe thought frustratedly to herself. 'Could she be feeling the same things that I am?'

Chloe melted into that dance last night. She just went with it. And it felt so freaking good to just let go and let herself enjoy the moment without the worries and fears and guilt she'd been carrying since Beca Freaking Mitchell had walked into her life.

She fought with Tom last night after the Riff-Off. He'd been there and he saw the dance she shared with Beca. She told him not to worry. There was nothing going on between her and Beca. And it wasn't a lie. Not really anyway. Because she wasn't going to let anything happen between her and Beca. She was with Tom. She'd made up her mind and that was that.

But Tom didn't let it go. He wasn't blind. He saw the chemistry the same as everyone else that was there. He saw the way she was looking at Beca, like the world stopped with her and everything else was inconsequential. It was hard to argue with his logic because that was exactly how she felt in that moment. Until Beca said the words that knocked her for a loop.

Because while they were dancing, Chloe was seeing much younger versions of her and Beca dancing in her living room to that very song. Holding each other close. Stealing kisses. Laughing, giggling, and looking happier than Chloe herself had ever felt, and happier than she ever imagined Beca could look. Hearing Beca tell her that she loved her. Hearing herself saying it back, and feeling that she had meant it.

And that was when Beca shattered the fragile illusion she was lost in. And Chloe was far more terrified than she was willing to admit. What the hell was happening to her?

It was Monday morning and I was fucking tired. I hadn't slept much since that stupid Riff-Off and the massive blunder I'd made two nights previously. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling as I replayed our dance over and over in my mind. It was so perfect that it almost brought tears to my eyes. Then I got to the part where she walked away, and the tears actually did fall. Heavily.

The look in her eyes, it was only in hindsight that I recognized it. Fear. Chloe was fucking terrified of what I'd said, and I couldn't blame her. I sounded like a god damn crazy person. I mean, who says that? 'God I missed this'. Missed what exactly Beca? You're supposed to have only known her for a few weeks. And she's been avoiding you for a lot of that. So what exactly are you supposed to say if she ever talks to you again and asks what you meant?

"You're brooding," Stacie said from her vanity as she applied her makeup for the day. To be honest, I hadn't even known she was awake, I was so lost in my own thoughts.

"I am not brooding."

"Are so."

"Ugh, what are you, six?" I said as I rolled my eyes at her childishness.

"Nineteen, but you knew that already. And you are so totally brooding. Have been since the Riff-Off."

I was surprised she'd noticed. Stacie had spent most of the weekend with various boy toys (could have been girl toys, but I really didn't want to know either way). I don't really blame her though, I can't have been all that fun to be around. While the rest of the Bellas were celebrating, I was wallowing in regret and tequila.

"Can you blame me?"

"Depends. Why are you being so broody? That dance looked so fucking hot that I was tempted to join in myself," she said, giving me her signature flirtatious wink.

"Dude, eww."

She graced me with her most flirtatious smirk, "Aww… come on Becs. Don't be like that." Then she got serious and put her best friend face back on. "Seriously, what happened?"

"You saw it. It was sexy as hell. We connected. I held her in my arms. I sang to her. She sang to me. It was fucking electric. Everyone could feel it."

"I'm not seeing the problem babe."

"The problem… I ruined it. I opened my big, fat, stupid fucking mouth and ruined it. I said 'God I missed this' with her in my arms and she ran away. I scared the shit out of her Stace. I could see it in her eyes."

"Yeah. I won't lie, that's bad."

"See! So, maybe I am allowed to brood a little bit dammit!" During our conversation I'd sat up to talk to her, but at this point I flopped dramatically back down on my bed to again stare at our ceiling. It wasn't long until a pillow hitting me in the face caused me to sputter and sit back up glaring at my attacker. "Dude!"

"Get over it. You are Beca Fucking Mitchell. You have died twice, only to miraculously travel across universes to be reunited with the love of your life. And you are going to give up because you said something stupid and scared her a little bit? Come on Mitchell, you are better than that."

With her words hanging in the air, and leaving me dumbfounded, Stacie grabbed her purse and exited the room with a slightly superior look on her face. It seemed she finally believed me. With that knowledge, and the fact that she was right, I allowed the first smile in days to spread across my face.

I was rushing through the quad on my way to rehearsals after my last class of the days, two USB sticks clanking together, heavy in my pants pocket. I was slightly out of breath when I made it to our rehearsal space ten minutes early, but I knew Aubrey was going to be there and I wanted to talk to her briefly beforehand.

I grabbed the doorknob and pushed my way in expecting to find Aubrey alone, but I was surprised to find Chloe there with her. They were huddled in conversation in front of the white board master plan Aubrey had unveiled to us a couple weeks earlier, and from the look of it, they were not in agreement. Aubrey was staring Chloe down stoically, while Chloe was whisper yelling and gesticulating wildly. I waited a moment, so I wouldn't interrupt. Chloe was the first to see me, and she squeaked in surprise before blushing and looking anywhere other than me. Aubrey turned to me with that impassive, regal mask and dared me to say something.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to talk to you before practice started," I said with trepidation. Chloe looked up briefly, but seeing that I was talking to Aubrey and not to her she resumed her cataloging of the room's various impressive landmarks and avoided looking anywhere near me.

Aubrey looked briefly at Chloe with compassion, before turning that glare back at me. "Go on."

"Oh, um… just," I cleared my throat to give myself a second and organize my thoughts before continuing, "I just want to give you this. I won't give you a hard time anymore at all. I promise. If you just listen to this. Please?" I reached in to my pocket to grab the USB drives and extended my hand holding the one labeled 'Bellas'.

She stared at it distastefully for a full minute, a full minute where I held my breath waiting to see what she'd do, a full minute where Chloe first glanced at me curiously before turning the full force of her puppy dog expression on Aubrey. At the end of the minute she glanced at Chloe and, like me, couldn't withstand the full force of the expression she found there. So she sighed like a freaking drama queen and took the flash drive from hand.

"Fine. I'll listen to it, okay? But you better fulfill your end of the bargain."

"I will, I promise."

"Okay then."

"Yay," Chloe said, clapping her hands and bouncing like a kid. She looked at me with a huge smile on her face before rushing in to hug me. "She is going to love it. I'm so excited!" Then, remembering herself, or more likely that she had issues being close to me because let's be honest, Chloe didn't have issues with physical affection, she released the embrace and stepped back awkwardly still with a huge, though slightly more subdued, smile on her face.

"Wait!" I grabbed at her hand so she wouldn't get too far and placed the other USB stick into her palm, closing her fingers around it. "Umm. That is for you." She looked surprised as she backed away before looking down at what I placed her in hand. When she saw the small USB drive she looked astonished. Chloe looked up into my eyes and mothed a quick thank you. I just smirked at her and went to get in place as the rest of the Bellas started shuffling into the room.

"What up aca-bitches!?" Fat Amy yelled from across the room as she sauntered into the building causing most of us present to laugh out loud.

"Classy, Amy, Classy," Aubrey said, rolling her eyes. Clapping her hands to get down to business, she launched into her goals for the day.

I was half paying attention when I was abruptly jerked out of my reveries by a whisper to my left. "I've figured it out. You don't really belong here, do you?" I turned to see Lilly looking at me with a serious expression.

Panicking, I looked around to see if anyone heard her, and, seeing no one had, I turned back to her and hissed, "What are you talking about Lilly?"

"You are not from this world, Beca. You don't belong here," Lilly said with such a matter-of-fact tone that I had no doubt what she meant. I guess she saw the panic in my face her words had caused because she decided to take pity on me. "Don't worry, your secrets safe with me," she looked over at Stacie briefly, "and Stacie too I guess."

"Beca wouldn't want you to do this to yourself Chloe," the gentle tone did nothing to rouse her from the all-encompassing depression in which she'd sunk. "She would want you to be happy."

Chloe looked up and met her psychiatrist's eyes challengingly and said, "And how the fuck would you know? You didn't know her dammit!"

Dr. Swanson looked momentarily taken aback, before he made a couple of notes on that godforsaken notepad and turned his impassive gaze back to her.

"No, Chloe, I didn't. I wish that I had known her. From the way you've described her she sounds like she was a wonderful person. But Chloe," Chloe knew what he was going to say next. After seven months, the words still weren't any easier to hear. They still felt like a dull knife right to her heart. "Beca is dead. It's time to start moving on."

It was moments like these that Chloe wishes she were capable of being numb. Because those three words, 'Beca is dead', were still enough to rip her guts out and force her to weep in despair. She knew the only way she would be able to sleep tonight was with the pills her nurse would give her. As soon as she left this office, she'd walk down the sterilized white hallways, head to the nearest counter and ask for a sleeping pill before heading to her room and curling up in a ball on her cot crying to herself until the pills took away the pain for one more night. All the while she'd hear Beca's impossible voice in her head begging her not to leave.

A/N Hopefully the chapter title was accurate. :evil grin: