First I want to thank those, who are following and who favourited this story. I'm very happy to have been able to catch your interest. Thank you, you guys made me really put an effort into finishing this chapter, even though it still took me quit a while. Well, Life. But whom am I telling that? :D.

I always feel as if I'd describe my characters as unnaturally talented. I mean, yes they are heroes and as such belong to the few who inhere the capabilities to overcome such hardship, but I'm getting better at humanizing them I think and hope, since I notice the way a story immerses you depends most on how well you can identify with the characters. A good style of course is the second ingredient and that is just as hard to learn and I'm never really satisfied with my own work. But I try ;). Perfect beings for one, don't exist and they wouldn't be believable if I wrote them that way, since I'm far from perfect myself.

Anyway enough rambling. On with the last chapter of this particular story-line (Hehe not really chapter 6 and 7 still belong to it) :D. I may be changing the Rating of this story after this, since we are obviously drifting into more physical encounters of Cullen and Helena.

Part 5 - I want you but I'm broken

Cullen was at his desk, scowling at the stacks of reports in front of him, while his mind lingered in the highest tower, sitting enthroned above the rest of Skyhold. He was still upset with himself. Mostly because of his incapability of keeping this stupid jealousy in check, that had coursed through his blood whenever he'd thought of Dorian's hands on the Lady Trevelyan. Still did, even though he knew of the defectiveness of his earlier assumption now.

Helena

It must have been years since he had read the saga, telling about a daughter of a god and a mortal woman, who had inherited such unearthly beauty, that every kingdom wanted to tie her to one of their heirs. In the end the circumstances surrounding her led to war and the destruction of an entire kingdom. "A face that launched a thousand ships." It had mentioned at one point. If Cullen had to imagine such a face, to him it would be hers. He'd be lying if he said it was not the first thing he had noticed about her, though it was only the superficial shell, that encased the person he had come to know over the course of the last year. Caring, intelligent and diffident, but also cunning, manipulative and calculating. The combination of the last three, often had her seem rash and foolish in his eyes back at Haven. Taking risks too willingly. Mostly in regard of her own life. It was completely untypical for a mage, whose life had been spent at the circle and therefore cause for his suspicion. Now, that he knew better, he continued to argue with her about some of the strategies she proposed, but was no longer biased and pleased whenever they could come up with a compromise together.

He had never even called her by her given name. Their titles keeping it professional. Inapproachable. Impersonal. When had they left that line behind? Maybe that day on the lake in front of Haven? It had been the first time he had let her magic touch him, had felt the way it had his skin tingling, calm and yet able to flare up to become a pure wave of destruction. Mesmerizing, but also threatening in the face of its potential.

Then

"Say Leliana, since you have your eyes everywhere, do you know where the Herald has disappeared to again?" Cullen asked a little disgruntled, after having searched every corner of Haven, yet he had not been able to get a hold of the woman. Ignoring his backhanded sideswipe, the redhead answered with a bit more sharpness than was typical for her. "Last report said she was sitting in the middle of the lake for no obvious reason. The ice is thick enough to carry a person easily though, so there's nothing to worry about." Cocking her head to the side in curiosity, she added. "My all-seeing eyes also tell me, that you two have been conversing quite a lot outside our meetings Commander. I never figured you to change your taste so drastically."

Oh how he loved those women and their gossiping tongues whenever he turned his back on them. Though admittedly he probably deserved the sarcasm. Waving his hand dismissively he retorted "Don't be ridiculous. We simply need to further discuss our joint trip into the Hinterlands to assess the need for those towers and finally acquire the horses we direly need from master Dennet. I also wrote to the Arl about our consideration towards supporting the mages. As expected he'd be more than happy to be rid of them, although at the behest Alistair's he's not to abandon them as long as they don't cause trouble."

"And we both know where his soft spot for mages is coming from." Leliana noted with a mischievous smile playing around her lips. How could he forget.

"Lady Trevelyan, what are you doing out here?"

"My, Commander it's called meditation, I thought you as a templar should be familiar with the term." Always with those sardonic remarks. "I very well know what meditation is my Lady. I'm simply wondering why out here and right on the ice as well. You intend to catch your death here after the breach didn't do it for you?" His own taunting response had a single sharp laugh escape her before she fixed him with an amused smirk, eyes roguishly glancing up at him from under her long lashes. "There are worse things out there than a little cold Commander." She feign-assessed her surroundings. "Besides it's rather cosy here, don't you think?"

Cullen had noticed quickly how reticent their Herald normally was whenever they'd hold a meeting in the back of the Chantry. The more he had been surprised to become the recipient of a sarcastic, teasing nature the more they conversed. After having discretely consulted with Lady Montilyet it had become clear, that although she had a witty humour obviously, he was the only one she enjoyed treating in that particular fashion.

Clearly she feels right at home with Leliana and Josephine at her side. He had figured back then with dismay, but as time had passed it had become apparent that her mannerism towards him excluded mortifying him in front of others. A fact he respected and that even had him enjoy their little duels of words whenever they were alone. Except of course for the point, when she would turn the conversation towards him, trying to coax more personal and even indecent details from him.

Those always transformed the stern Commander into the young, rambling recruit he always felt slumbering right under his skin.

Right now though, he simply felt the strain on his patience weighing down on him, enforced by the sharp pain behind his eyes, that increased the longer he squinted against the bright reflection of the sun on the frozen lake. Rolling them in annoyance he pulled off his fur coat and dropped it around her shoulders unceremoniously, almost grinning at the scandalized look on her face.

"No it's not. You could have just as well meditated within the warmth of your hut. Or is that not to your tastes my Lady?" Cullen regretted how harsh and sneering it had sounded, especially as soon as his eyes fell upon her face once more. Her own were cast down, head inclined bashfully, lips pressed together tightly. Marvellous. Huffing, he crouched down to be at level with her, or as close as he could get with his height. "I'm sorry. I didn't want for it to sound as rude as it might have." He waited for a moment, before he could make out a scarcely audible murmur coming from her. "Pardon?" He asked into the quiet, again waiting until she finally raised her gaze to him. "The Veil around Haven is too noisy. It makes meditation impossible."

His bewilderment had an understanding smile replace the depression from moments before. "Despite your years of guarding mages, you never had the time to really get to know them, did you Commander?" There was no mockery in her words, as she rose slowly to not knock him off balance.

"As I told you before, we weren't allowed to get too close in case of possession. What do you mean by "The Veil is noisy."? Demons?" He asked alarmed, but was immediately reassured by her reply: "Not in the way you think. Of course due to the Breach, one is more likely to stumble upon them while dreaming, but it all depends on the mage." Her gaze was directed towards the Chantry, overlooking Haven as she continued.

"They taught us, that the Veil is nothing physically present, but rather like a magical vibration that repels the Fade. It reacts to the spirits and demons which try to enter this realm. And they in return are attracted by death and excessive use of magic. I found tomes in the Chantry telling about a cult that resided at Haven." The Herald let her eyes drop before her cerulean-blue met his amber. Sadness lying in their depths. "I found their graves, though I don't think they have been buried there. Leliana told me about the Urn of Andraste and how the Hero of Ferelden had to eradicate the whole cult in order to safe it from their lunacy." A slight shudder seized her body, before she concluded her monologue. "However, what I want to say is, that through the deaths at Haven, may it be that of refugees, the cult or maybe even of those at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, the Veil inside the village is constantly being moved by the spirits pressing against it. The noise and sensation it creates is bearable, as long as you ignore it, but..."

"But not if you meditate and inevitably focus on it." He finished for her. "Yes exactly." She agreed with a sigh, obviously relieved by his comprehension. Thinking back on what she had said, Cullen noticed something. "Is that the reason why you never use other spells than those for healing when you are here? To not attract demons?" Again she nodded. "Amongst other things. The other reason is, I may not like templars who enjoy intimidating mages, but I don't have to try and provoke anyone. They call me Herald of Andraste now but I can see how some of them still perceive me."

Cullen knew what she meant, as much as he wished it to be different. Despite his actions to prevent any of the Templars to act on their scorn towards the noble, he could hardly be around her at all times, but he had informed Leliana of the eventuality of a problem, therefore the extra eyes on her. Eyes, he knew were on him now as well, noting every move he made around the Lady Trevelyan. Not that he had any intentions in regards of her. She was more like one of his charges. One that had surprised him with her sword-skill the day she had come to ask for his aid in brushing up on it again. Every new detail he found out about her, had him wonder more and more if she wasn't really sent by Andraste herself. Too good to have been born in this reality.

"Do you trust me enough to let me show you something Commander?" Her voice was soft, her gaze curious, unthreatening. In the depths of his soul, he knew he still didn't trust her completely. How could he? She had come stumbling out of the Fade, the only survivor of the explosion, a strange mark on her hand that could close tears in the Veil and a mage at that. Sometimes his mind still wanted him to believe she was a conniving, demon possessed puppet. There to destroy the Inquisition from the inside out. These kinds of thoughts mostly plagued him in the early hours, shortly after his nightmares would awake him. Drenched in sweat, disoriented in the lingering grasp of his dreams. Back in the cage, where she herself had tortured him for hours. Hours that stretched into eternity. Trying to break him. Make him her slave. Why would he dream of her?

"Commander Rutherford?"

The voice was far away, before everything snapped back into focus. Remembering what she had asked, his mouth made the decision for him. "That depends on what you wish to show me." Her smile was playful and Cullen just waited for her next mocking comment. "You are not afraid of me are you Commander?" The young man who had been saved from Kinloch hold may have been afraid, hidden under a mantle of suspicion and judgement, but the man who stood before her now was no longer ignorant. Being honest, Cullen was slightly anxious towards her motives, but he would never admit that openly. "I never fear my opponents Lady Trevelyan, but I respect them as a threat I have to look out for." He noted sternly. "A very valuable realisation." She said inclining her head in agreement.

Circling him slowly, the Herald explained " There are mages out there who have harnessed the ability of bending reality and creating a state, in which their physical form becomes indistinct. They are neither really here, nor in the Fade. You could probably compare it with the Veil. A magical vibration that grants the user the possibility to move very swiftly over certain distances without the limitation of obstacles." Cullen's brows had knitted together in concentration while he had followed this part of her little lecture. "I have witnessed this kind of magic before. Is it true some are even able to freeze those they pass through?"

"Yes. And burn as well. It requires a lot of practice and focus though, but it is possible and very effective." She said nodding. "So, do I have your permission to show you?" Again their eyes met and Cullen's mind went blank for a moment as he was confronted with her mesmerizing irises, gazing back at him in quiet anticipation. "You won't freeze me to the lake will you?" She shook her head, flashing him another of her brilliant smiles before she walked backwards, increasing the distance between them until they stood almost twenty meters apart. The Commander's hands clenched immediately, as soon as he felt the weakened, but familiar tug in the air in reaction to her magic. It started out in a soft whisper on the wind and Cullen wondered, if this was all that was left of his abilities, but before he could dwell on this specific thought, the whisper dramatically increased to a crescendo, that flooded his ears.

As quickly as it had built, it dispersed in one blur of white-blue smoke, tousling his hair in a gush of wind and the merest hint of cold having his skin prickle. It was not the spell, that had him frozen in place, but the sensation that still coursed through his body. How could it make him feel so warm? So peaceful, when the small crystals covering his arms had not even melted? He could sense her presence behind him now, but was still caught off guard by her proximity as he turned around. Their breaths mingling in the cold air as they stood there, unmoving, their bodies almost touching.

Literally shaking off his momentary confusion he joked "Remind me to never get on your bad side."

"Oh Cullen, you have no idea."

Now

The scar over his lip stretched as he smirked at the memory. Never would he have believed that he'd fall for a mage one day. Had he fallen already? More in the terms of hanging on to the edge of a crumbling cliff. The question was could he let go? Fully aware of the impediment that was his withdrawal, this war and the sheer weight of their responsibilities. Had he not decided he wanted more? Right now he was not so sure any longer.

A careful knock from one of the doors had him almost jump in his chair. Expecting it to be her, who asked for permission to enter, his disappointment was even greater when Cullen realised it was just one of the servants bringing him another cup of tea. His "Thank you." was brisk and almost swallowed by the rustling of parchment, while he sifted through the reports in front of him half-heartedly, trying to focus on the task at hand. It was hours later, that he noticed the little note with his name, written in her modest handwriting.

When you are done brooding, join me in the gardens tonight.

Please.

Helena

The descending sun outside his narrow windows, tainted the room in soft tones of apricot and crimson. Almost time. Any later and he would have probably missed her. Should he even go? He could not just stand her up! But what if she just wanted to push him away for good? Pinching the bridge of his nose, Cullen tried to calm the voices in his head. What do you really want? Wallow in self-pity and hatred until you go crazy, or go out there and tell that woman you adore her?

A few hours earlier

"Dorian? I need to ask for a favour." Her words were quiet and were almost drowned out by the buzzing of voices in the great hall, had she not spoken right next to his ear as the companions were seated together around the dinner-table. Her gaze was stern and a small crease had formed between her brows, that inevitably had his hand come up and smooth it out gently with his thumb. "Well it must be something important, if it has such an ugly wrinkle tarnish that beautiful face. This has nothing to do with that dashing fool of a Commander of yours, has it." He teased. "The one and only and you know it," she retorted playfully offended. "I invited him to meet me in the gardens tonight and I want to keep any wandering night-owls from entering without posting just as nosy guards." Raising her index finger at him accusingly she added "And don't give me that look. We only need to talk things out."

Chuckling darkly, the Tevinter shrugged his shoulders. "Then wards it is. Whatever you wish for sweetheart, however I expect all the details tomorrow. Whenever you two decide it's time to get out of bed, that is." That comment earned him a shove and a warning look from a deeply blushing Inquisitor. "Don't you start. The rumours will be bad enough as it is."

Now

Helena was comfortably seated in the crook, formed by the roots of one of the captivating cherry trees she had immediately come to love upon their discovery in the privacy of Skyhold's inner walls. Its shadow would keep Cullen from spotting her straight away. If he even showed up of course. But she didn't have to worry, because in that moment the main-entrance, that they had left unwarded for him, opened to reveal his tall, broad-build figure. She could have sworn to have caught a glimpse of Dorian's devilishly grinning visage before the door snapped shut. And Helena had thought Varric to pry.

The lonely candle on the chessboard had him automatically walk towards the gazebo, where he gazed around in search of her. His strong profile being emphasized by its light. She had been drawn in by his handsome features right from the beginning, trying to disguise it as teasing humour, whenever those emotions had tried to run away with her and judging by his indifference towards her back at Haven, she had succeeded. The more it had thrown her, when Varric had told her of the events after her collapse in the snow and his following attention towards her. Had she misread him so completely, or had his denial been just as defining as hers?

An uncontrolled chuckle escaped her considering her foolishness and had Cullen turn in her direction at once.

"Helena?" She would have never expected for it to sound so otherworldly as he spoke her name for the first time into the darkness surrounding her. Glad for its privacy as the gooseflesh rising on her skin had a shiver run through her body.

Sometimes when the nightmarish constructs of her dreams, would grant her a moment of peace in the vastness of the Fade, she would hear his voice. Gentle. Reassuring. Could feel the warmth of his embrace, as he held her. His breath tickling her ear, while his lips would ever so slightly touch the sensitive skin. It felt so real, that Helena wondered, if he was too dreaming of her, meeting her in their own little corner of the Fade.

Waking from those dreams, always left her flushed and yearning for his touch in the real world. On those days she'd stay as far away from him as possible, even in the confines of the war room and left the instant their talks had been adjourned, or concluded. Her cowardice vexing her endlessly later. But how could she have approached a man so clearly branded by his past with mages? He had made it clear from the start, that their acquaintance was purely born from the obligation towards closing the Breach. And she had played along. Instead waiting for those "coincidental" meetings, after having carefully lain the groundwork for their occurrence. A rumour here, a little note with his tea there. All for the sake of satiating her curiosity towards this self-contradictory man. Fierce, yet caring and with a gentle heart beating in his chest. Intelligent, but easily flushed and awkward whenever she'd become suggestive. Short tempered in regards of politics and yet endlessly patient, while he trained his charges. All the little details she had collected and grown fond of the more she saw.

Would he forgive her such manipulation? All the secrets she kept still? The urge to share them with him grew, the more she felt herself accepted whenever he was close.

Cullen waited for her patiently, knowing by the familiar hum of magic that she was near. He had frowned in the face of the wards, having the hair at his neck stand on end the moment he had opened the door to the garden. Nevertheless he had entered, although a little more guarded. He'd recognize that chuckle anywhere and was not surprised to find her smiling at him when she approached. It was her special smile, only reserved for him and had his pulse quicken.

"I almost feared you would not come." She said when she finally stood in front of him, her always so vibrant eyes a black mirror, reflecting the dancing flame. Shaking his head, he replied "How could I? I owe you so much more than a simple apology." That had her grin knowingly. "So your presence is only due to your guilty conscience?" she mocked.

This woman always has to take everything I say and turn it into a joke. Cullen thought rolling his eyes. "Maker Helena, I simply meant to say that I have things to tell you." He paused, before adding "Though I don't really know how." There it was again. Her name. Simple and clear, yet filling her with euphoric anticipation. "I'm all ears." She said sweetly.

The part of him, that simply wished for someone to confide in, to be seen as the person he was, broken and makeshift patched up again, wanted to tell her. Everything. But where to start?

Like so often before, she had read his changing expression and tried to ease his inner turmoil by suggesting "Why don't you start small? We once agreed upon sharing the reasons for our common sleep deprivation. I have yet to hear yours." She of course has no idea of the severity of that particular story. He thought smirking ironically. To his surprise she again, immediately caught on to the subtle change on his face and letting her head fall slack to the side she asked in disbelieve "That especially is the worst? Well..." Searching for something to say Helena glanced around the scarcely illuminated garden, until she suddenly locked eyes with him again.

"You know," she started "you don't have to tell me anything. At least not, if it still makes you so uncomfortable. Whom I see now and whom I have come to care for so strongly, is the man right in front of me. Everything else, you'll tell me when the time is right." Her speech was uncharacteristically curt and her voice full of determination.

"You can't mean that." He pointed out critically, a deep frown darkening his already overshadowed features. Her eyes were unwavering, as they seemed to pierce right into his soul. "And If I do?"

"But I'm broken!" He exclaimed still not believing the genuineness of her confession.

"Then join the party." She retorted matter-of-factly. "I can't fix you Cullen, the only one capable of controlling his inner voices is you ,but that does not change the fact that I want to be with you through whatever it is. Provided, that you want the same."

The sensations her dreams had her believe she felt when he would touch her in the Fade, paled miserably in comparison as his hands reached up to cradle her face now. How small shocks coursed through her, while his thumb caressed her lips gingerly before his own firmly pressed against hers, eliciting a delighted little sound from her throat, that only stoked the fire within him more. Now that he could finally feel her. Body perfectly melding against his, her arms encircling his torso, hands gripping his shirt. His leaving her face to explore the landscape of her curves, quenching any remaining traces of demonic poison in his mind, injected by those, who had dared to wear her face within his nightmares and replaced them with her soft, all-imbuing warmth.

Had they not been forced apart to gasp for air, their kiss might have lasted all-night. "I'm sorry. That was-" He touched his forehead to hers, unable to elaborate, for she finished his sentence for him: "Exactly what I wanted." Although hardly visible in the golden glow of the candle, Cullen could have sworn, he saw her cheeks turn a beautiful crimson. His voice was low and a little raspy, as he chuckled, brushing a few strands behind her delicate ear before he spoke. "Good." This second kiss was shorter, but gentler and just as sweet, causing both their minds to go blank again. He could feel her smile against his lips before they parted. "What is it?" He asked unable to keep from smiling himself.

"I was just wondering how long you wanted to do that." Wrapping her securely in his arms, Cullen turned her question around in his head, trying to find the most truthful answer for both of them. When in fact had he consciously started to yearn for her like this? Maybe that night he had escorted her back to her hut, all the while animatedly discussing strategies? He had been most surprised by himself, having been distracted bye her beautiful mouth as she spoke, her hair set ablaze by the fire in the hearth, painting the most alluring picture, he had yet seen of her.

He had put it off as a momentary weakness on his part and hadn't dwelt on it further back then, but recalling it now, Cullen was astonished by his own strength of will, regarding any following encounter with her. How she caused his heart to skip a beat the moment she entered a room, how her smile warmed his skin and how much he wanted to run his hands through her gold and copper waves, whenever she'd free them from their braid.

Sighing deeply he finally spoke: "Much longer than I actually thought I could admit."

Thank you guys so much for reading! I hope you liked it. I'm actually thinking of taking the first chapter under revision again, because I read it again and found it lacking. As always... Maybe if I have time, though work will keep me busy now xD. But I'm trying ;). Thanks again and Cheers!