~ IX ~

~o~0~o~

Thor noticed that while Loki has always been silent while he slept, now there was some disturbing wheeze from him, every time he took a deep breath.

Only much later he found out that it was the wound in his chest Loki took in the battle with the elves that caused it. The wound Thor believed Loki faked to escape.

~o~0~o~

Loki often sat in front of the illuminator and watched the stars. Nothing has changed. Everyone greeted Thor as if he was their everything.

Your Majesty! So happy. So adoring.

That could not be said about Loki. Even if they didn't scoff at him, talking behind his back, the people ignored the Loki's presence entirely. Like he was invisible. Nothing.

But he thought...

Loki truly hoped, he really believed that things would change.

Wishful thinking.

~o~0~o~

"Do you understand me, Loki?" Thor repeats, pulling from the hug but still keeping his hands on Loki's shoulders. The look in his eye is piercing. "You are my brother and my advisor and I need you by my side. I need you here with me."

Loki couldn't look away. It was really happening. His private, quiet prayers gotten answered. Loki didn't dare to assume, not after that catastrophic talk in the elevator on Sakaar. But thank the Norns – Thor lied then. The trickster got tricked and Thor lied. He needed Loki after all. Not everything was lost between them. That was exactly what he wanted to hear from Thor. And he was happy.

~o~0~o~

Too bad it was just a dream.

~o~0~o~

Loki jerked awake and couldn't stop gasping. A moment too late, he realized that it was not gasping, but the sobs that tore his chest inside out.

Not for the first time Loki has had a dream, a very realistic dream (they all were deceivingly realistic), where he was cared for. He was cared for.

His words were taken into account, his deeds acknowledged.

His family asked after him. His brother sought his presence and advice.

His subjects respected him and treated him as it was ought of his status as a prince.

His friends, his very own friends, called after him when he was free.

His skin didn't frighten him, instead being of great help to the citizens in the need of it.

He was doing his duty and was coming back to his rooms with the feeling of contentedness. Happily accepting to dine with his parents in the garden under the skies of Asgard on a warm evening.

But it was... just... a dream.

A dream.

Things he was craving for his whole life lined in a perfect play. An ideal life.

Loki collapsed back and curled into a tight ball under a light blanket.

What a cruel dream.

Every day waking up, Loki was devastated. These dreams hurt, hurt like nothing else. Even the torture he endured was kinder in a sense – because it was just pain. And the pain goes away eventually.

It was worse. Because every day - for just a moment - Loki felt what a dream-he felt. For this feeling alone, Loki would curse the Norns for letting him feel it just to snatch him back to his reality. When all those things, things that could have been true, they could, could! - were fake. Unreal. Impossible for him to have.

Loki cried. And he cried harder, knowing that no one could see him, or care to come check, because that was the truth of it all.

Parents, brother, friends and subjects. He has never had any.

He was alone as he always was.

And nothing would change that.

Only in his dreams.

~o~0~o~

Loki started to sleep more, often not having enough strength to face the real world when the dream one was so nice.

But he had to. Thor would not hesitate to give him trouble for not sitting in the meetings where all his words were dismissed and he was simply walked over.

After some trying days, were it the Valkyrie degrading him incessantly of the humans scowling at him in uneasy and disgust, or Thor falling back into his habits of treating him like shit, Loki would retire early just so he could go back to his dreams quicker.

Loki gave in in lying to himself that there was something worth living for in the real world.

Besides, he couldn't lie to himself further that he wouldn't be happy to die in his sleep. If only to Valhalla to greet him back as an old friend.

Recently Loki stopped waking up with tear tracks on his cheeks. For some time now, he has accepted the thing that was happening to him. He knew that these dreams were unnatural; maybe it was even magic in action (whose he didn't have a clue). Loki didn't really care.

Sometimes the visions he dreamed about have helped to go about his days.

And that was a relief.

~o~0~o~

"I don't know if you noticed but your brother must be plotting something."

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't seen him around much, you know? And that is the cause for concern."

"You think?.. Hmm. I haven't seen him either."

"I just know it, you know! You must be careful. Stay alert."

"Loki is my brother! And there is no proof he plots any misdeed!"

"Yeah, of course. Just a warning. Its Loki after all."

~o~0~o~

"Loki? Loki!"

"Thor?... Oh. Sorry. I just..."

"… Overslept?"

"Um, yes. Never mind. What is it brother? How can I help?"

Strange wording, Thor thought. Strange everyhting. Something was wrong with Loki. He looked… fragile. Thor hoped Loki was not getting ill. After everything that happened to them, Thor would not lose anyone. Especially not his brother.

~o~0~o~

The dream where he spent all day with Odin was the hardest to forget. The hardest to accept. Because no matter how he tried, Loki couldn't remember when Odin was interested in anything Loki was doing. Mostly Odin just wasn't there. The old man's eye always evaded his second son, dismissing his existence to the likes of anything else.

Now the old man was interested, even amused. Fond of his son. Odin took his time to listen to his grievances, his dreams, his troubles. Shared his own. Odin was a father Loki always wanted. Always needed.

Loki hoped that this dream would come to him again tonight.

~o~0~o~

One day the stress became too much, and Loki realized that he could not do it anymore. He struggles with himself, he has struggled his whole life with his dark thoughts, but recently he just couldn't anymore. He was tired of fighting in a war in which he could not win.

Trying not to bring attention to himself, but not caring much if the others saw him trembling, Loki run to his secluded rooms. Opening the locker, the god took out the sleeping pills. He asquired them not long ago from Bruce, who didn't ask any questions, just silently provided the pills. He must have understood that Loki needed them. It was embarrassing, truly, but Bruce did not show he cared one bit.

Ever since they came to Midgard, Bruce became distant. Having spent so much time on the ship, Loki was disappointed that Banner now ignored him. Loki thought they have found some middle ground, forgetting for a time that once they were enemies. Instead, they shared time by talking and studying things – from the ship constructions to magic theories (Bruce studying, Loki schooling and monitoring). The mortal seemed interested, curios, and even friendly. But. Loki had to admit, he wasn't surprised when Bruce Banner changed after coming home, on Earth. Loki knew it will be like that – that Bruce would meet his friends and forget about the trickster god. That he wouldn't acknowledge him if there was someone from the Avengers present. Nothing new, after all. Loki was cut out, whereas the relationship with Thor only got stronger. And of course, the Valkyrie. Even though no one knew who she was, what she did for a living not so long ago, everyone welcomed her, because she was Thor's friend.

Loki knew his musings were pointless and nothing would change because of his moping, but he was hurt. A little. No one had to know, but he won't lie to himself at least.

Loki took the pills, and to make sure that no one interrupted his dreams (he was not sure anyone would bother, just to be on the safe side), Loki spelled the pills for them to work longer and to put him more deeply into sleep.

Loki no longer cared for how long he would sleep. He just surrendered to the blissful fantasy. For him it was his own Walhalla.

But even if Loki no longer cared that his life was in danger after experimenting on the medication, someone else did.

~o~0~o~

Having not seen his brother for so long, nor hear from him, Thor worried. He was busy and the thoughts of Loki slipped his mind often, but one day enough was enough.

Thor asked after Loki, but no one has seen him.

It was midday when he went to his brother's room.

Having heard nothing after his knocking, Thor sighed, then entered the small room and… gone still.

It was so startling to see Loki laying on the bed, his body relaxed and face serene. His expression was so peaceful Thor regretted waking him up. But they really needed to talk. It was long overdue.

As he quietly sat on the bed, Thor couldn't remember the last time he had seen his brother sleeping. On the ship Loki's bed was on the other side of the hall, separate from those Thor placed in his council – Heimdal, Valkyrie, Korg, Bruce.

The brothers became strangers long before his coronation. Thor now started to realize just how much he neglected to even give his brother a courtesy of saying goodnight even once these last… months. Years. Long long years…

Thor was surprised Loki didn't wake up instantly when Thor only came in the room. Loki was always a light sleeper and any noise would rouse him. Now Loki didn't even stir.

~o~0~o~

Loki would not wake.

No matter how desperately Thor tried, his brother remained listless. The king shook Loki, spoke to him, pleaded with him – all pointless. Loki's head would loll to the side, his breathing too deep and heartbeat slow.

Here and now Thor became scared.

Shouting for Bruce, they both wheeled Loki to the hospital where Bruce declared grimly that Loki was in a coma. And the doctor was unable to do anything about it.

By the evening, Thor was beyond himself with worry and fear. It was not like Loki to fall for some illness so easily. There must be something else in play.

Thor needed to know. He went to Heimdal, but the gatekeeper didn't see Loki. No one had seen Loki other than on the group meetings, which he visited less and less.

Desperate, when Loki was senseless for two days already and still no answers, Thor investigated further by going against his promise and watching the videos from Loki's room (the campus was full of cameras for security purposes – and everyone agreed, assured by knowing only few in Asgard had the tapes, no others and definitely no humans).

And Thor saw something that shook him.

So often, his brother would go to sleep and then jerk away from sleep and break down in tears. His brother cried so...

It happened time and again and Thors heart clenched in pain seeing his brother weeping.

But later Loki became calmer. Right until his behavior changed completely and every day Loki rose with a little smile on his face.

It was dumbfounding how much Loki slept. And if only it supposed to make Loki strong and healthy, but no. Loki was only becoming weaker and paler, his movements sluggish and stance exhausted.

More Loki slept, more he weakened.

And Thor made it his mission to find out the reason for Loki's behavior.

~o~0~o~

He would prefer never to resort to it, but it was his last option. But while sitting by Loki's bedside Thor wowed to his sleeping brother that he will make it right by him.

Thor asked Strange for help.

In the end, a wizard found out the truth. He told Thor that Loki's magic was damaged, with scars if he could say so. Loki must have strained it and pushed and pushed, an environment and stress and pains making the magic sick. But the magic was sentient. It cared for its master and to help Loki forget the hurts, the struggle and stress; it gave Loki respite in the form of dreams. Happy dreams, fabricated from memory, because Loki's mental health for the past several years took too much blows.

Too much pain and too little comfort.

So the magic came up with a plan. To help the master, distract him, while trying to heal itself.

However, while Loki became calmer, it took too much of the god's energy to spend on healing. The more he slept the more strength it took. It turned out that Loki cornered himself, like the snake devouring its own tail.

Strange said he could break this circle. Thor was so relieved he thought that he might even hug the arrogant bastard. The god just could no longer look at how his younger brother wasted away.

~o~0~o~

When Loki eventually woke up, he realized with surprise, that something in real world was still worth living for. His brother got sure of it.

~o~0~o~

A/N: I hope you liked it :)