Weeks roll past.
Christmas comes.
She insists they ask The Room of Requirement for Christmas decorations and decorate the dorm and the Great Hall.
He's not so enthusiastic, but watches her fuss with half amused, half irritated look on his face.
She doesn't care! She loves Christmas, so she's going to make sure they have a proper one.
But even when the castle gives them a grand Christmas dinner, he stays gloomy the whole night.
Until she gets tired of trying to keep the mood up.
"Okay!" She huffs, putting down her knife and fork, "What's the matter?"
He tries to pretend surprised, but she knows him too well already.
So, she waits, not turning her gaze from him.
Finally, his shoulders slack and he looks down to his plate, "I hate Christmas. All these decorations and food. Everything only reminds me of sitting on different sides of the table, no talking, father trying not to lecture how I was, again, only second in my class."
She doesn't know what to say. She thought his parents loved and pampered him. Christmas should remind him of overflowing piles of presents!
"I thought…" She starts but doesn't know how to go on.
"I know what everyone thinks of my family." He says bitterly.
"Actually, I thought you were the most important thing for them." She says silently.
"I was… well maybe for mother. But the family name, the legacy, they were more important." He looks at her, "Actually I always blamed you. If you didn't exist, I would have been top of the class."
"Or not. I think you need the competition." She speaks aloud the first thought coming to her mind.
He shrugs.
"Draco," She takes his hand across the table, "I'm sorry, you never got a proper Christmas. Your parents, they should have…"
Something flashes in his eyes.
She realizes too late, she shouldn't have said that.
"Don't talk about them," He growls suddenly.
"But you just said…" She tries, but he has yanked his hand away.
"I didn't tell you that so that you can pity me!" He spits.
"I don't pity you! I just wanted…"
"To tell me how much better it'll be here? To prove how you can do it better?"
He has stood up.
She's still a little confused what made him this angry.
"You're just like everyone else! Judging my parents and the ways they've treated me, based on the rumors and splinters of information."
She stands up too.
"I think I know some of it!"
"What can you possibly know Granger!?" He spits, "It's just the way you are, thinking you know everything!"
That hurt, even when she's used to him saying things like that. But not here! Not in this reality that includes just the two of them.
He's acting all unfair now.
"I just fought your father and aunt in the ministry last spring!" She's yelling, "I've seen what kind of people they are! Or at least what kind of people they are for people like me!"
He rounds the table and comes to stand before her.
His eyes are angry, blazing like a storm.
"You know nothing about my family." He whispers and then he walks away.
She feels the tears behind her eyes. Wants to call him back, to tell him she's sorry.
But she's not sure she is.
Fine! If he wants to be a stubborn asshole in Christmas Eve, let him be!
But the tears come anyway.
She sits down before the table, before the unfinished delicates, puts her face to her hands and cries.
Because today she misses her family,
and her friends.
She misses the lively Christmas dinner at her parent's place, where all the relatives gather around the same table.
She misses the carols and excitement.
But it's more than that.
This night also made her realize how far she and Draco actually are.
Here they can easily pretend that the outside world does not matter,
that the past doesn't matter…
And it's true, that without the past and the outside world, she likes him!
The person he is when no one is watching, she likes him maybe more than she'd like to admit.
But the things in the background.
The things he is with other people around,
The burdens and the legacy…
It's easy to ignore here, but they're part of him.
Lucius and Narcissa, Bellatrix,
The Death Eaters…
That's the family he knows. The family he stands with, no matter what.
They're his family.
How could she ignored the reality so badly before this?
How could she pretended it didn't matter because the only family he has here is her?
Yes, that may be true,
but in a real world,
against his real family,
she doesn't mean shit to any of them,
so how did she think she could compete?
She can't really change him, because he's a Malfoy.
And the family he will always stand with,
is her enemy.
.
.
.
She sleeps in her own bed that night, in the tower, feeling cold and lonely.
In the morning as soon as she wakes up, she walks to the decorated hall and tears down all that might remind her of Christmas.
Then she sits alone in Gryffindor, staring at the fire.
Until late afternoon he emerges through the door.
She acts like she didn't notice him.
But he stands there, without saying a word for so long she finally has to look at him.
"Look," He starts but she lifts her hand up to stop him.
"I can't do this." She tells him silently, "Not if nothing has really changed. I can't pretend to be something with you, if none of it is real outside of this."
He doesn't try to interrupt her.
"We can't pretend none of what we were before matters here! I'm still a Muggle-born! I still want to destroy Voldemort! And you, you'll still stand with your family if we ever get out of here. And your family wants to get rid of everyone like me."
She stands up and goes to stand before him, "I'm not going to ask you to change that, but I can't pretend to be okay with it. I thought I could, but not anymore… "
His face is static as he looks at her.
He doesn't move,
doesn't speak.
She wants to cry.
Because letting go of what they have here, hurts more than she'd like to admit.
She'd so gladly pretend.
So gladly keep up the light, fluffy, passionate romance they had going on.
But it wouldn't be real, and realizing it any later would only hurt her more.
"I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas." He finally says finally.
She shakes her head, "Never mind…"
It's not important.
Not anymore.
There are more pressing things now.
Like how they're going to be distant again.
He turns to walk away.
She's biting her lip, keeping the tears from falling before he's out the door.
But he turns around again,
back to her.
"No." He says firmly.
She has no idea what he means.
Before she finds her voice, he's back,
towering over her invading her personal space.
She blinks.
"It's not true what you said." He tells her, almost angrily, "I told you before, standing with my family will get me killed anyway! You want this to be real? Well, this is the most real I've ever been!"
She's staring at him with wide eyes.
"This is me, Granger!" He spreads his hands, "If you think this here, is pretending, you have no idea what pretending is like!"
He inhales, "Don't you see? Pretending is all I do in the real world! Because of those stupid rules! But no matter what that makes you think about them, they're still my family! No matter what I might think about them, nothing changes that! But that doesn't mean I agree with everything they do!"
"But you'll still stand by them?!" She protests.
"I WAS FUCKING READY TO KILL MYSELF TO GET RID OF IT"
"And you'll still go back to them if we ever get back!" She's not going to drop that, "You'll still fight me and my side!"
"SHOW ME ANY OTHER WAY AND I WON'T" He roars to her face, "SHOW ME HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS WITHOUT GETTING MY MOTHER AND FATHER KILLED?!"
She just stares at him.
"You know what? I don't even care if I was on different side, if I just knew they'd be safe. But the only way is if I die! That's the only scenario where He won't kill them for my failure."
"Draco…" She reaches for his hand, her anger vanished.
And now she feels stupid, because she assumed,
even when all his recent actions prove her wrong,
she assumed he'd still go back to them. Even when he promised her, he won't fight her.
Is this how much she's ready to trust him?
After all these weeks of being so close to him?
Her shame is reflected in the sadness on his face.
She feels so ashamed.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" She mutters.
"Old ways die hard." He grins sadly.
She shakes her head, "No, you didn't deserve it. I shouldn't… I shouldn't have said those things,"
He stays silent for a while and then, without looking at her he says: "I never had to think of them like that, you know?"
She doesn't know what he's talking about.
"My family, My parents, they're strict and demanding, but they're my parents and I'm their only son. I never had to question what they did. Not before I was let in the Death Eater meetings. Not before I understood what they were doing. Fighting with you in the ministry. They're adults, and they talk like they're fighting a real war. But you're kids."
He looks down, "All I could think of when I listened to them, was Diggory's dead body after the tournament, and how unfair it was. And now, I must kill Dumbledore? I'm sixteen! How can I possibly do that?! I know I told them I wanted it. Briefly, I was even proud of it. But even I know enough of wars to know children are usually not on the front line no matter how they want to!"
He inhales and she waits for him to continue.
"I understand, that what is happening is twisted and wrong. I hate Potter, don't get me wrong! But he's a fucking child! Like you, like me, like all of them! I should stand with my family, but even I understand how sick it is to put children on the battlefield!"
She lets his words sink in, and realizes he's right: it's sick!
The Death Eaters in the ministry last spring, they aimed to kill when their opponents were kids, children!
She thought it was war, but he is right! That was no war!
"But they're still my parents," He says, barely audible.
And she understands: The way he sees them, the way the image of them has formed in his mind, they are his parents, and he's their only child. Of course he loves them!
She thinks of her parents. What if they did something horrible?
There's no denying, she'd try to justify it for them. Because they're her parents and she loves them! They've never been anything but loving towards her.
"It's awfully lonely without you," She whispers after a while.
He huffs, "I couldn't even sleep. I tried the sofa, but the fucking decorations kept accusing me."
"I really am sorry for judging you so soon," She thinks she needs to clear that up.
"It's not like I couldn't do better," He shrugs and then he leans down and kisses her.
And as their lips move together, and his hands sneak around her waist to pull her closer she realizes it was never possible to stay away from him…
She would have made up some excuse for herself.
Some explanation how staying sane enough to get them out of here required her to kiss him, to be held by him.
She's ruined.
All her noble ideas are ruined.
And she'd let him ruin the rest of her, if that's what it took to stay close to him.
Because the world was right when he held her like this.
.
.
.
As the year changes, they stand on top of the Astronomy tower, looking for fireworks but seeing only the dark night.
His standing behind her, his hands around her waist and she's leaning to his chest.
"I can almost sense them if I close my eyes." She tells him.
"What?"
"The fireworks! All the different colors!"
He huffs.
But after a moment he lets go of her and goes to the open railing, pulling something from his pocket.
And then she doesn't have to imagine… because the sky lights up with all the different colors.
"Where did you get them?" She asks in awe as she goes to stand beside him.
"From the Room of course. I thought that since you love Christmas so much the same must go for other holidays too."
She laughs freely and happily.
"Do you think it's midnight yet?"
He shrugs, "Does it matter?"
"It does! We have this muggle tradition…" She turns to him and he raises an eyebrow at her, she smiles.
"It starts with the countdown to midnight"
She starts to count from 10 down and he joins her at 5 rolling his eyes.
When they reach zero, she pulls him to her and kisses him.
The fireworks still flashing on the sky.
And at that moment, she wouldn't want to be here with anyone else!